


What Ithaca means

by DoIwakeorsleep



Category: Forbidden - Tabitha Suzuma
Genre: F/M, Incest, Oral Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-16 11:07:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 53
Words: 157,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5826196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoIwakeorsleep/pseuds/DoIwakeorsleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternative ending and extension for Forbidden. What if Lochan  and Maya had a few seconds notice that their mother was coming home?<br/>Lochan and Maya are siblings who because of parental neglect and abandonment find comfort in each other. But Lochan is intensely aware that his physical love for his sister is regarded with disgust by society. Can their love survive their responsibilities, the years, separations and surprises? Can Maya and Lochie find happiness or will they face a gloomier fate, after all?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Maya

I have returned home soaking wet, after having dropped Willa and Tiffin, my little brother and sister round to their friend Freddie's house for a sleepover. My younger brother Kit has left for his first school holiday to the Isle of Wight. My father left years ago and mum has started living in Dave's flat. We hardly ever see her. So it's me Maya - I'm 16 - and my brother Lochan, just turned 18 - who look after the house and the children. But age is just a number, and the words brother and sister are just labels. That's not what we are to each other. We are boyfriend and girlfriend, and now that we have the house to ourselves for nearly 48 hours I want that to change too. Lochan and I depend on each other, need each other, love each other, and I think we both know that it's time for us to express that love physically. I am pining, burning to feel Lochan inside of me. Lochan tries to fight it but I know he feels the same. So now we have to seize the moment. I think we both know we cannot deny these feelings inside us any longer. It's time for us to become lovers.

I'm standing in my bedroom, trying to get out of my wet blouse. Lochan comes over to me, and puts his hands over mine, to help me with the buttons. I can feel the warmth of his skin next to my own cold hands, the warmth of his breath. But he pauses, as if to listen for something.

'Was that the door?' he asks.

'I didn't hear anything... ' I tell him, which wasn't true. I heard the sound of his breathing, the sound of the wet fabric of my blouse rustling against his gentle hands. Maybe absorbed in that I had missed something?

'Wait a minute,' Lochan says, he looks nervous. He goes down stairs. I hear him open the front door. There's a pause. Then the front door shuts, and before Lochan comes back to me I hear him walking into every room as if checking for something. I have been standing in the same position this whole time, my clothes, my hair dripping water on to the floor. I didn't attempt to undo a single button. I wanted Lochie to do it. I wanted Lochie. He re-enters my room.

'What was it?' I ask.

'Nothing, nothing at all my love,' he says, and he kisses me gently - just on the forehead. 'But I just have this feeling, everything is so perfect, something will go wrong. It's as if we don't deserve to be so happy.'

I put my hands on Lochan's face, and draw it to me. I keep my eyes steady on his. 'We do deserve this, Lochie we do. And it will be perfect, I know.' I think he understands what I mean, what I want.

He doesn't say anything, but returns to his former task of undoing my buttons. He is nervous still, it takes him longer than it should. He gets to the third one and my blouse opens revealing my bra. His hand brushes across my breasts and both he and I breathe inwards quickly. Did it feel the same for him as it did for me? Did he feel a sensation reaching all the way through his body? Did he feel that this was so right?

He pushes my blouse of my shoulders and reaches round me to touch my bra. My bra is not wet. I don't have to remove it, so if he touches it I know he wants more. His hands move across my shoulders and down to my waist as if he is trying to commit each curve to memory. It is thrilling, standing there in front of him, with the daylight streaming into the room, feeling his touch. Though it only takes moments it seems like forever, but then his hands come back to my shoulders and he pushes my bra straps down. Now I know. He stops again, and tilts my chin forward so we are looking directly at each other. He doesn't need to use words, but I do.  
'It's ok,' I reassure him. 'I want this.'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Absolutely,' I tell him. I don't think I have ever been so sure about anything in my life, I say to myself.  
Lochie I can tell is still not convinced. He knows that entering me as opposed to me receiving him is different - at least it would be seen as different by anyone else. But I can only see it as showing that we are absolutely equal, that we support each other, that we love each other. So I have to persuade him. He lets me peel off his t shirt and he looks at me shyly as I take in the sight of his body. Am I lucky that my brother looks like this? I can't think of it as a curse. He's not sporty - we don't have time for that - but he looks after himself. He does press ups in his room, will go for a run sometimes when the children are in bed, before they go to sleep, before he comes into bed with me. But mostly his muscles have developed because of the work he does round the house and in the garden. If a fence blows down, he will fix it, if a tree is damaged he will chop it down. Without a car to rely on he has carried all sorts of things back from B&Q for about a mile when he's needed it - a bag of cement for a fence post, two bags of wood chips for Willa's play area that he made for her at the back of the garden. He looks this good because he looks after us. So it's my turn to take a deep breath as I begin to touch him with my hands, my lips. He presses his cheek to mine, edging his mouth to mine but I don't want to kiss him yet. I kiss his shoulders, his chest, with light, fluttery kisses. I kneel down and trace a path down his abdomen. I reach the button of his jeans, and undo it. I run my hand over his jeans, he is already hard for me. He places his hands on my shoulders, does he want me to stay there to release him further? To take him into to my mouth? But he doesn't say anything, so I stand up again. I am excited by the thought of tasting him, licking him - I have only used my hands on him before. But I want to feel him inside my body first. So I stand up and hold his face in my hands. We press our cheeks together. I close my eyes and our lips meet, our mouths part and our tongues touch.  
Quicker now with a sense of burning need I help him push down his trousers as he pulls at my underwear. We both seem to get in a muddle, stumbling over this simple act as it is so important now, so we both laugh. We look at each other's nakedness. Just us, like this, together. Everything seems right. The grey rain curtain that started the day have gone. The breeze blows in through the window, touching my skin, surrounding us both, drawing us together. I know people would say this isn't natural, but what does that mean? If we both want this, isn't it the most natural thing in the world?

So we stand there, just for a moment, till I take his hand in mine and lead him to the bed. First we sit on the edge, and we kiss again. Then we look at each other. I try to tell him with my eyes that I am ready.  
But still Lochie asks: 'Are you sure?'  
'Yes' I say, 'yes.'  
'You know this will change everything?'  
'Yes I know.'  
'For ever?'  
'That's what I want,' I tell him.  
I swivel my legs from the side of the bed so that I'm now lying on the bed, my legs are closed, and my knees raised. I extend my hands to Lochie.  
'You know this was always going to happen, Lochie, as soon as we knew we felt the same way. Now is our chance.' I think I have convinced him. He takes my hand and I guide him onto me parting my legs so he can lie on top of me. He rests on his forearms, and bends to kiss my breasts, circling my nipples. He has done this before but now with him naked on top of me with no one else in the house I can gasp, cry out, laugh, whatever I want. I'm just so happy, so very happy to be here, like this with him. I reach down to him, to reach his penis so that he can feel something like I feel. He takes in a gulp of air as I push my hand up and down. But as I try to guide him towards my vagina I remember something.  
'Lochie, have you got any condoms?' What a mood breaker.  
'No,' he says and goes to sit up. 'I didn't know we would do this..yet. What should we do?'  
'Don't worry, I can take some pills. I don't even have to see a doctor,' I tell him. I don't want to delay anymore.  
'Are you sure?'  
'Yes I think I would have. 48 hrs. We would be ok.' Delays, delays... I need him  
'Or I could...'  
'What?'  
'I could come outside of you?' Lochie offers.  
'No I don't want our first time to be like that. Besides it's meant to feel better isn't it?' Not that I know much...  
'Yes, but we can't make any mistakes. A pregnancy is the only way anyone will ever find out.' He's being so careful...  
'It's fine. Come back to me, Lochie. I will sort it.'  
I draw him back to my arms, but then it's my turn to cause a delay.'It won't hurt will it?' I ask  
'No, I will be gentle with you. Just tell me to stop whenever you want.'  
'Yes,' I reply. ' I will tell you to stop.' Although I think there's no chance of that. My body actually aches for him.  
He tries to guide himself into my vagina. I can see he is concentrating, but he is missing it. My body is more nervous than I am.  
We have to relax I decide and gesture this to him. He tops trying to enter me and just kisses me. My hands run through his hair and I feel across the muscles of his back as he fondles my breasts. I draw my hips up to him and take hold of his cock again. With my help he enters me. Just a little bit. It doesn't hurt, it just feels a bit uncomfortable, but interesting too. I think I can feel him trying to push deeper and my natural response is to follow his movement with my body so move my hips towards him. That helps and gradually Lochie gets deeper and deeper inside me. I gasp, he groans.He moves slowly  
'Is this ok?' he checks.  
'Faster,' is all I tell him. He does this for me and he feels more powerful inside. It doesn't hurt me, there's a new sensation sweeping through my body. It's exciting. My legs are almost trembling.  
'I think I'm going to...' I know what Lochie means  
'It's ok, do it' I tell him. I might have to beg him soon,  
'I can't stop...' That's all he can say.  
Then Lochie seems to forget about me, he closes his eyes and thrusts, really thrusts into me. He draws a deep breath and nearly collapses on top of me, but stops himself and instead kisses me, as if he's still hungry for me. I kiss him back with desperation for him, but also my body feels satisfied, complete.  
'Was that good?' he asks.  
Words don't seem enough. I kiss him again and again.  
'It was beautiful!' I tell him. 'We will never be apart now. It's not just you and me anymore. It's us.' He nods, kissing me, stroking me. My heart is still beating fast. I want to take him inside of me again, but he is not ready. Everything we have done, everything we had to do lead us to this. My world was dark before this. Now I can see everything before me made new and pure and good because I have Lochie.  
'I love you, Lochie. I really love you.' I gush.  
'I know,' he says. 'I love you too.'We kiss again. But then there's a knock downstairs, more of a banging.  
I jump up and open the curtains. I feel Lochan's semen pouring out of me, dripping down my thigh.  
'Oh fuck, it's Kit!' I yell looking out the window.'He has seen me!'


	2. Lochan

'Quick,' I tell Maya. I'm fumbling for my jeans. I throw a towel to Maya. 'Put this on.' She wraps the towel round her.  
The banging is increasing. I hear voices.  
'Shit, shit, it's mum as well,' I realise. 'Get in the shower!' Maya runs to the shower, I turn on all the buttons and yank the shower head off the wall. Thank god I put the latch down when I checked outside earlier, we have got a few precious seconds. Water sprays every where. I am wet, Maya is drenched. Mum and Kit come careering up the stairs  
'What's going on!' screams mum.  
'The showers broken!' I shout back. I realise I shouldn't be shouting but I'm desperate. Why is mum here? Why is Kit here?  
Kit is glowering  
What does he know? What has he said?  
'What's the emergency, Kit?' asks mum. He doesn't answer.  
The water is streaming out if the shower, pooling on the floor. I try to cover the hole in the wall with my hand containing it to some extent.  
'Turn off the mains, mum,' I tell her.  
'I don't know how,' she says pathetically.  
'Behind the goddam washing machine,' I yell. 'Kit you do it.' Kit hesitates.  
Instead Kit pushes open Maya's bedroom door. Her bed is unmade, my boxers are on the floor but my shirt is covered up. I can see he wants evidence. It's messy so maybe he won't notice my boxers.  
'Yes Kit,' I ask turning to him. 'What's the emergency apart from this fucking shower?' I'm daring him to say something. 'Everything else is fine.'  
'Kit said Maya was in trouble,' explains mum, but there's something in her voice I don't trust.  
'I'm fine, mum,' responds Maya, she has kept quiet until now. I don't think either of us are sure which way this is going to go.  
'Were you messing around?' I ask Kit. 'Why aren't you on your trip?'  
'Because they took me off abseiling. I turned up early and saw the list. You had to tell him about the heights thing. You've ruined everything.' shouts Kit. So that's it. I can hear the hurt in his voice. I think he's going to cry. But it's not good enough. It's not enough for him to come here with mum and ruin my life. To try to ruin my life with Maya. Not now. Not when I have just discovered how good it could be.  
'I've ruined everything? You little shit.' I let go of the shower. I have decided, I am going to win.  
'Go and turn the fucking thing off mum.' She's not part of this family, as far as I'm concerned she can fuck off. She thought she could find a little excitement in her life by finding me and Maya in bed together? Fuck off. She thought she could play the martyr? Fuck off.  
'I've ruined everything.. No I fix everything,' I say to Kit. 'I feed you. I clothe you. I look after you. Me and Maya together. Do you understand? Together. What do you want? Do you want us to do that?' Now's his chance. If he wants to say anything, it is now.  
The water is off. Mum comes back upstairs.  
'So tell mum,' I command Kit. 'Do you want me to take you back to school, or mum? Do you want me to sort this out, or mum?Who do you think can look after you best?' I let my own mother hear those words.  
Kit looks at me and Maya, then mum.  
'You, I want you to fix it,' he says.  
I look at mum, she knows I have won. She looks at Maya, then me. She had come running to the house at Kit's insistence. I seriously doubt that Kit just told her Maya needed her. He must have said more. She can see her daughter naked except for a towel and her son half undressed. She knows. But as long as she hasn't witnessed us in flagrante she is going to let it go. She knows if she acts she has one way or another lost us. And if she loses us the whole family disintegrates. Not that she would care. But she probably wouldn't like the fuss, the bother of the social services. She knows she wouldn't come out of any investigation looking good. Hell, she could end up serving more time than me.  
'Right,' I say. 'Let me get changed, and I will go back with you to school Kit. Everything will be okay, everything. You understand?'  
Kit nods.  
'Mum, we don't need you anymore. This shower looks easy enough to put back, it looks like it's just been pulled off. But if you have got fifty quid I will buy a new lock and get everyone a new key.Okay?' That tells her.  
'I don't have £50 on me,' she replies.  
'Just leave £40 if you don't need a spare for yourself.'  
She knows what I mean. We just don't need her anymore. I'm 18 now. I can look after everyone. No one, nothing can break Maya and me apart.  
Mum looks in her purse. She pulls out a twenty. 'Will this do?'  
'Yes mum, that will do,' I tell her.  
I didn't think I could have less respect for her than I did then, but it was the response I wanted. But now I am sure she knows her son and her daughter are having sex together and she is going to just let it go. I look at her in complete disdain and there is nothing she can do. She turns and goes downstairs.  
'I'll be there in a minute Kit,' I call down as Kit follows her. 'I will just get changed.'  
I turn to Maya, she looks at me with a mixture of relief, admiration and love. She looks absolutely beautiful standing there. Her auburn hair falling wet around her shoulders. She knows whàt I know. It's not going to be easy, but we have just won a little freedom. 'I will be back soon,' I tell her. I will have her in my arms again.


	3. Maya

I couldn't believe that things could fall apart so quickly. One moment Lochan and I were in a state of absolute ecstasy. The feeling I had whilst he throbbed inside me extended right down to my toes. How does that even work? Nothing else mattered for those few precious beautiful moments except that we were finally together, like we were meant to be. I was now aware of what a true emotional and physical love actually was. I loved the man inside me and I loved what he was doing to my body. Then we had barely finished when the outside world invaded our realm. I heard Kit getting increasingly hysterical, banging down the door. I was seized by the horror that it was all going to end for us and my first fear was for Lochie. Not only is he male and older than me, he's an adult. I could hear mum going beserk outside. What does she know? I stood there motionless. I didn't know what to do.

Luckily Lochie had presence of mind. He got himself half dressed quickly, threw me a towel and almost shoved me into the shower before finally, desperately wrenching it from the wall.  
The ensuing chaos seemed to stop mum in her tracks. I could see in her eyes that she wanted to catch us out, and Kit was prowling around like the hunt had not succeeded, still wondering as if he could catch his prey. But Lochie was completely in control. He isn't a confrontational person at all. But he gathered some strength, I don't know where from, so that he could confront her. He did it for us, he did it for me. He shouted and swore but not because he was losing it. There were no gestures in his body to suggest he was going to lash out physically. He just let them both know that this is our space our home, our family, and yes, I think they understand these are our bodies. He didn't let mum get a word in. If she did she may have called us names. She might have pretended for a moment that she was a real parent. She could have threatened to call the police. But she isn't so she doesn't. 

I almost laughed out loud when Lochie said to mum to give an extra fiver if she wanted a new key. He was so bold with her it was as if he has turned from a boy to a man. As if making love to me has made him more powerful. Or maybe it was because our first time together was so good he, like me, wanted more and he wasn't going to let anyone get in the way. Whatever happens to us from this moment onwards I will remember what Lochie did for us. If it wasn't for him, I don't know what would have happened. But in that instant, when he didn't have time to think about it, to analyse it, to worry about what anyone else might think he must have thought to himself our love is right. It is worth defending. Or maybe for the first time in his life he just thought about himself, what he wanted, and he wants me.  
When mum turned to go down the stairs I almost felt sorry for her, she was so pathetic. Almost, not quite. The only thing she ever did that was worthwhile was having us kids and she didn't even know it. But as she left the house - perhaps for the last time - I knew that together Lochie and I will do what we always do, look after the children and keep them safe, together.  
When Lochie took my hand and told me he would be back soon I knew that was true. I almost wanted to pull him to me right there with mum and Kit just in the hall downstairs. But I didn't push my luck. I can't deny that some of the excitement I feel for Lochie derives from the fact that there's danger in it. But is there anything wrong with that? It's nothing to do with us being brother and sister, I don't see us as that. I think it's just because outsiders wouldn't like it. But outsiders don't like lots of things. So mum knows, Kit knows, but that doesn't mean we are going to broadcast it. I know I have to protect Willa and Tiffin. They don't need to know anything. And I will have to talk to Kit so he understands that Lochie and I are different. We haven't been brother and sister for years. We have been partners bringing up a family together. Nothing has changed except the way we express our love together. And when Lochie gets home from taking Kit to school we can express it all over again.


	4. Lochan

Our first time together was all I hoped it would be: tender, loving, exciting. It made us one being. It made us commit to each other in a whole new way. It was also the closest we have ever come to being discovered. No that's wrong. We were discovered, but we were not shamed or separated or ripped apart. I had to fight Kit and mum for what I believed was right. I stood my ground to protect my love for Maya and it worked. Mum left the house. We seldom saw her after that. I got her to sign some cheques up front and I would just text her to let her know when I needed to write one out. She knew I wouldn't cheat her and was careful with money, so she seldom complained. 

I also got in touch with social services and sorted out all the benefits we were entitled to so that made things easier. They visited the house to check that an adult - me - was responsible for the children. I decided to defer my entrance to UCL for a year - I was accepted to study English - so that Maya could turn 18 and be in charge. In that year I got a part time job in Waterstone's which meant we had a bit of extra money coming in plus we kept most of our benefits so we were better off. The manager was very kind to me - she was only 25 and knew I cared for my family. She actually asked me out once, but I told her I had a serious girlfriend, which was true. 

Maya talked to Kit and he understands about us. I don't think he actually liked it at first but we never made any display of affection in front of him. We didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable. In the early days he stayed at home in the evenings more because he knew Maya and I would not go to bed together while he was still up. So we would play a waiting game, which he would usually win because Maya and I would need to get up early to get ready for the day ahead. But gradually Kit got bored with that game and went about his normal life. Except that he was better, not so angry, more helpful. I think he just saw us more as the normal mum and dad that had been missing in his life. So he respected our rules more and accepted - even volunteered to do some chores. Tiffin was oblivious to everything. If Maya and I were to hold hands in a certain way by accident he never noticed or said anything because I guess he just thought that's what we did. Willa too just blossomed knowing she had unconditional love and attention like she deserved from us both. Mum was no longer around but that just meant no one was waiting for her. There was no void like when dad went. Maya and I together filled the hole. 

So that's how life went on for us during that first year. I guess the only other thing was the fun part: sex with Maya was wonderful. After that first nervous exploration of our bodies we became more knowing. Our keenness to know more about each other was only tempered by the need to remain undiscovered by the children. So although I learnt how to touch Maya properly, how to make her climax like me, she had to do so very quietly, which was difficult, but I'd do it to her anyway. We were very careful. Maya went on the pill as pregnancy was our biggest fear. To know we would have to abort any child we conceived was a heavy burden so we didn't take any risks. My confidence improved at school and I had lots of requests to go out with girls. Maya suggested I date a few to keep up a pretence, but it was just a waste of time. Maya invented a pretend boyfriend to satisfy Frankie's curiosity for a bit but that just became too complicated, so she dumped him. Apart from that, life revolved around looking after the kids, doing the housework and paying the bills. The only difference between us and anyone else was probably because we were both teenagers we fitted in as much sex as we could. The fact that Maya is my sister didn't matter at all. So everything was going along well until I started at university.


	5. Maya

When Lochie went to university I had already finished school. I did better in my exams than I thought I would - I got 2 As and a B, but our plan was for me to delay starting university for three years so I could look after the children while Lochan was studying. Then he would get a job that fitted around what the children needed, besides, they would be older. But I decided against it and started some computer and auditing courses alongside my job in New Look - I thought I could improve my job prospects better that way. The pay wasn't very good in the shop but they didn't mind 4 hour shifts which suited me. Kit stepped up too, helping with dinner and picking up Willa and Tiffin from school if I couldn't make it. But Lochie starting university proved to be more difficult for me than him.

Because of our low income Lochie qualified for an accomodation scholarship which meant he got a room in a block of student flats in the centre of London for nothing. He had always intended to to live at home, but we thought it might be fun to have the place as a base anyway, if ever we could sort the children out. Kit didn't mind babysitting for us once in a while if we said we were going to the cinema or anything, we didn't have to tell him we were going to our little love nest. But things didn't always go to plan.

The first mistake we made was in Freshers Week. Lochie invited me to come to one of the club nights. We seldom go to that sort of thing around home because we couldn't dance together like we would want to as we would be bound to be spotted by someone. But Lochie said he was going to go along and I could come as no one would know me. He just introduced me to some people he was going with from the flat below as May. I don't think we really intended to act much more than friends, in fact Lochie encouraged me to dance with some of the other people there. The people he went with weren't friends or anything yet just people he had met the day or two before. But Lochie was watching me dance, my back against this completely random guy, I didn't even know his name. Maybe I was teasing Lochie a bit, acting like I was enjoying this stranger running his hands over me, but it was nothing. But then he started putting one hand up my skirt which just skimmed my bottom and the other under my top, trying to reach my breasts. It was too much, not just for me, but for Lochie. He came over from the bar, he hardly ever drinks because he is always on call in case the kids need him at home, so even though he had only had a couple he was almost drunk. He pushed the man away and kissed me powerfully on the lips swirling his tongue inside my mouth. He put one hand under my top caressing my back and the other under the waistband of my skirt inside my knickers and over my bottom. I could feel his hard cock pressing into me. I was so thrilled to be doing this in public with him, like we were a real couple I just didn't want it to stop. Some of the people round us slowed their dancing and started jeering 'Go on, she likes it!' and Lochie got carried away and picked me up and I wrapped my legs round him. Then the jeers got worse and they started clapping and saying 'Fuck her, fuck her!' and I think Lochie snapped out of it and put me down. Without making eye contact with anyone he lead me out of the club to calls of 'Score' and 'Get a room!'

'I'm sorry,' he said when we got outside.  
'Don't be,' I replied, 'I liked it.'  
'I just can't bear to see you with anyone else,' he explained.  
'I was just playing up for you, Lochie, you know you don't have to worry about anything like that,' I said, squeezing his hand and drawing him nearer to me. It was a cold night for September and I had little on, so drew closer to Lochie for warmth. He put his arm round me and kissed me. I felt then that walking along the streets in London we were just like a real couple and it made me so very happy to know that I had such good loving man to share my life with, because that is how I felt. But of course it wasn't so simple.  
'But we have to be careful. What if some of these people become friends? They will learn who you really are.' He dropped his arm from my shoulder.  
'Oh, I didn't think of that.. ' I said, but he let me take his hand back in mine.  
'We just have to be more careful. When the kids are old enough to support themselves we can move away and start again,' he explained with more certainty. 'You can change your name and no one will ever know. But for now in public we have to be brother and sister.'  
'Are you sure it's not too late,' I added, realising the truth in what he said, and worried about our display in the club.  
'Yes, I just will make sure I don't hang out with those jerks again,' he said. But then he added, 'Oh fuck, I added them on facebook!' He then yanked out his phone and deleted all his new acquaintances from his account, because there were loads of photos of us all as a family growing up together.  
'Phew, I think that's ok,' he said, putting his hand to his forehead.  
We walked through a garden square back to his flat. He let my hand go again and said as we entered his block of flats 'Brother and sister now, ok?'  
'Yes,' I nodded and followed him up to his room. Lochie said 'Hello' to the people we met in the lift and in his corridor. None of these people could become lifelong friends I realised. They could not know Lochie supported his family with his sister and then keep in touch when he started to live with me as if I was his wife, which is what we both planned for. I did feel sorry for him then but I guess that was just a price we had to pay in order to be together.

So we walked side by side as brother and sister until we got to his door. He unlocked it and turned on the light. It was just a small room with an ensuite, a single bed, a cupboard and a desk. But it didn't matter what it was like. Lochie pulled me into his room with a smile on his face making me laugh.  
'Lovers, now?' he said as he closed the door.  
'Absolutely,' I replied, returning his smile as he drew me towards the bed.  
'But Lochie,' I asked, 'these walls, aren't they thin?' I had heard every sound, even chairs banging on the floor through the walls earlier in the day.  
"Don't worry,' he assured me, 'when anyone comes back they will be completely stoned. You can be as noisy as you like.' He took off my top, I had no bra on and he took my breast into his hands and then started to suck on each of my nipples in turn, circling them with his tongue. He held me in his strong arms as I arched my back.  
'Ok I said, make me then,' I told him.  
And God, he did, he absolutely did.

As the term progressed I encountered other problems. Lochie was working very hard but still commuting in everyday. It took over an hour door to door each way. He would work long into the night but would still help with dinner and homework if he could. And he never ever complained. Just sometimes - though he would always share my bed - sometimes he was just too tired to make love to me. It had been hard for me to get used to him being away for most of the day, except Wednesdays which were half day, but I knew that was just normal life. But as my life was just a bit dull without him all I would look forward to was him making love to me at night. So it was me that suggested he should stay in London one day a week. He was really pleased, I knew he wouldn't have asked himself, but it would make things much easier for him. So he would go in on a Monday and not come back till Tuesday evening, and he made an effort to have done all his work for the Wednesday so that in the evening he could concentrate on me, and I on him.

But of course as the workload increased things changed again. He said that he needed to get involved in more extra curricular activities to broaden his CV, so he joined rowing club on Wednesdays. So now he would commute on Monday and come back to me, but he would go in on Tuesday and not come back until Thursday night, so he could save a whole day's fare in the middle. I felt I was being dumped for £6.50. Then sometimes he would say he had to work late on a group presentation. As everyone else lived in halls they didn't follow Lochie's schedule. They'd meet at 8 and work into the night. Sometimes Lochie would crawl into my bed in after 1am having just got the last bus, but again I told him he shouldn't tire himself out even though I longed to have him with me. So rather than come back so late he would stay over another night. I sometimes felt like  
I was losing him, but I loved him so much what could I do? I had to put him first.  
But finally it was jealousy that got the better of me.

On Tuesday and Wednesday nights when he stayed in London we would Skype. I'd tell him about whatever the children were doing, he'd tell me about his studies. On this particular evening when I skyped him he heard my call buzzing as he finished showering. So when he connected the call he had one towel wrapped round him and another ruffling through his hair. I loved to see his hair tousled like that. Often at home when he comes out of the shower I have to be careful as it's too public for us to kiss in the hall and too obvious for me to join him in the bathroom. But when everyone's out we used to make a point of taking a hot steaming shower together at least once a week. Just seeing him like that made me long to touch his wet skin, for him to stroke his hands over the curves of my body as water fell upon us. He dried himself off nonchalantly on camera and slipped into some jeans, leaving his chest bare. At least the rowing is going to good use I thought, admiring his muscular body. We made small talk. How do you make a four hour shift at New Look exciting? And just as he told me a mate was coming over for a study session there was a knock at his door. 'It's open,' he called. In walked a lithe blonde beauty, dressed in a figure hugging body con dress. Study? I don't think so.  
'Oh this is Binky,' he said to me. I think I probably just gawped. Binky? Dear God. I thought we as a family had been cursed by fairly odd names. I like Lochan and Kit but the rest of us? I was not so sure. Until I saw Binky. Yes give me Maya or Willa over Binky any day. But it got worse. Binky spoke.  
'Darling, is this your sister? She's gorgeous, so cute. How old are you? 16?' She said to me as she came over to peer at the screen and draped both her arms around Lochan's neck putting her cheek next to his.  
Lochan looked embarrassed. 'She's 18, 18,' he said, as if that made a difference. He was still fucking his sister. Not that he was going to tell Binky that.  
'Maya, I've got to go. I've got to study,' he stammered.  
'Yes,' purred Binky. 'I'm going to work your brother very hard, I promise.'  
'I'll call you back, tomorrow, later,' be said, finishing the call, he went to close the laptop. But I swear, I absolutely swear I heard them kissing.


	6. Lochan

Oh fuck. What was I going to tell Maya? I know it didn't look good. Binky was the idiot who lived down the hall and had been trying to get me interested in her since day one to no avail. She was nothing like Maya. She just wasn't my type. No that's not right I don't have a type, it's just Maya I want. I couldn't get rid of her fast enough. I wanted to call Maya straight away to explain, to apologise for Binky's behaviour, I shouldn't have let Maya see that. Binky was just putting it on for the camera. She thought it would be funny to shock my sister. I couldn't really explain that as my sister is also my lover she wouldn't be shocked just angry, possibly heartbroken, that's all. But as soon as I got her out the door in walked Rich, my study buddy who was eager to get going. It was close to midnight when he left and I called Maya. But she didn't pick up. I knew she wouldn't be asleep. I put on my shoes and jacket and went to run out the door. I was in such a hurry I nearly forgot my wallet and key. Luckily I caught the door in time, grabbed those items and ran for the tube. I might just make it for the last bus the other side.

It was past 1am when I got home. I opened the door quietly everything was still. I went straight into Maya's room. I had scrimped together some money to buy her - us - a double bed and I could see in the dark that Maya was turned on her side away from the door towards the window. I kept my clothes on but slipped in bed next to her. I put my hand on her shoulder. 'Maya,' I whispered,'Maya.' If she had been asleep she would have moved a little, may have muttered something but she didn't flinch she didn't respond at all. So I knew she was awake.  
'Maya, Maya, please I need to talk to you, please, my love.' I kissed her shoulder and stroked her arm. As I tried to cross her body she took hold of my hand to stop me, and turned over. I could see the tears on her face shining in the light of the street lamp that reached into the room from outside.  
'Why are you crying Maya? I'm here now.' Stupid question I thought, but I needed to get her to talk to me.  
'You don't love me anymore do you?' she answered, holding back tears.  
'Maya, don't...' was all I could say.  
'I can feel you pulling away.'  
'I'm not, I'm not!' I replied trying to soothe her.  
'You fucked her didn't you?'  
'No, no, of course not.'  
'Then why are you here?  
To tell you I love you.' I kissed her shoulder.  
'I don't believe you.'  
'To tell you I'm not pulling away.' I kissed her collar bone.  
'Yes you are.'  
'To tell you I didn't fuck Binky Cooper.' I kissed her breast.  
That at least got a stifled laugh.  
I was already getting aroused just being next to her body. But I got the impression it was talk now, make love later, if I was lucky.  
I apologised for being away too much. I knew she still had three children to look after with just one adult, whereas we used to share it between the two of us. Maya started to allow me to kiss her softly over her body and conceded she had had more time now she wasn't at school, and lots of single mums manage three kids, it was just she was finding it hard adjusting to being without me.  
I was honest and said if I worked more productively and used more online sources I didn't have to stay over so much. And if I played my 'I look after my siblings' card more often my friends would work round my schedule for group work. I admitted that a lot of the women found it quite attractive when they found out I looked after my brothers and sister, but I couldn't help that, could I? I got a nudge in the balls for that, I guess I deserved it. Binky was just a clown. And no, there had been absolutely no kissing with anyone except the girls she had tried to set me up with in 6th form and she knew I hadn't been interested in them anyway. As for anything else, there hadn't been anyone, apart from her, ever. And as far as I was concerned that was how it was going to stay. Luckily Maya could tell everything I told was true.  
'There's just one more thing,' she added. 'I don't think we make love as often as we used to.'  
'Don't worry,' I said, 'I can soon change that.' I slipped out of my clothes as quickly as I could and pulled Maya's satin nightie down her body. This was just for her - though to be honest I was going to get some enjoyment out of it too. She parted her legs for me and my fingers slipped into her vagina, rocking against its wall just at the right spot to make her gasp. I withdrew my wet fingers so that I could trace up and down her folded lips before I began to circle the most sensitive part of her body carefully. Then for my favourite bit. With my tongue I retraced all those steps I have taken already. Maya's legs start to tremble and flicker, as I suck, gently pull and suck and lick again. She drives her hips down into the bed and gasps for air, then pushes back again, and I see her beautifully body pulse again and again. I can't wait any longer I thrust into her deeply, my entrance eased by her readiness for me. We rock back and forth as one till I come too. Then I just caress her wonderful body and we kiss tenderly. She was right, I have been missing this too.

In the morning we realise we have both overslept. Damn that's risky. But we made love three times in the short night we had together so it's not surprising. It's lovely to wake up gently in each other's arms. Luckily Tiffin and Willa have got themselves ready and are eating coco pops. Kit must have left already. Maya doesn't start work till 11 but I take the kids to school. My seminar isn't till 4 so I'm just skipping a lecture. When I return home Maya is washing up.  
'Come here my love,' I say, and she doesn't take much encouragement to join me of the sofa, lying in between my legs with her back against my chest and her hands stroking me.

'Is there anything else you want to talk about before I go?' I ask.  
'No I was just jealous because I miss you.'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Well I liked it when you said we would be together forever, ' she said, leaning back to kiss me softly.  
'You feel the same?' I asked. She has said so before, but because of who we are I like to make sure. I can't keep her with me if it's not what she wants, if she is ever unsure I have to let her go.  
'Of course, but we have such a long time to wait. Willa is 7 so we have got a minimum of 11 years before we can live as a couple openly...to some extent. You know we could work it out so we could have a family of our own' - we had talked briefly about adoption, or more likely sperm donors- 'but not until we move away and I change my name.'  
'But we are together now, we are so lucky to have that,' I reasoned. 'And really, don't you think that the chikdren are our family?' Hadn't that always been the point?  
'I know, I know, but I just want the simple things. Going to the park together holding hands, sitting in the cinema, going to clubs. 11 years seems such a long time away,' explained Maya.  
Then Kit walks in on us. We both sit up abruptly, we never let the kids see us like this.  
'I thought you were at school, sorry Kit,' I say composing myself.  
'It's okay, you can sit how you like. I have a late start this morning because I helped at open evening. I heard what you said. I'm nearly 15. What if I take over, what if you only had to wait 3 or 4 years to be together?' he says, surprising us both.


	7. Maya

We both just stare at Kit. He really didn't seem to mind how we are sitting together. He comes and sits opposite us, finishing his cereal.  
'I'm not a kid anymore. I understand,' he says calmly.  
My minds flashes back to that day nearly two years ago, when Kit brought mum home. He'd basically confessed to us that he had told mum that Lochan was doing stuff to me and managed to coax her to come and see for herself. He had really blamed Lochan for embarrassing him in front of his friends that he was scared of heights, whereas really Lochan had done nothing like that. If Lochan hadn't put down the latch Kit would have been able to use his key and they could have silently crept in and found us in bed together, and everything would have been different. But those precious seconds in which Kit had to break open the door may have literally saved our lives....Kit felt guilty for a long time about what the results of his actions could have been. What would have happened if the police had got involved? If Lochan had gone to prison he might not even been out by now, and I couldn't have coped without him. Or I may have had to go away too even though I was just 16... I didn't like to think of it, but it was ok, we had been together all this time, we were still in love and we were a tight family unit.

Kit was sorry for what he had done, he realised almost immediately that his real mother was a complete dork , whereas Lochie and I, whatever we did together in my bedroom, really cared about him and Tiffin and Willa. Anyway, on that memorable day, Lochie had just managed to get Kit on the coach to the Isle of Wight, had sorted things with the teacher and had told Kit they would talk on his return. Eventually that job fell to me.

I told Kit I would tell him everything, or nothing, whatever he wanted. First he reasoned it's not natural, brother and sister being together. But I told him that's an argument people used to use about gay people, transgenders, transsexuals. They still do, but that's prejudice. But he said, if we had children together, they would be deformed so it must be wrong, but I told him, people with all kinds of disabilities have children, even if they have a much higher chance of passing on a defective gene, but society doesn't stop them from having children. Besides we aren't having sex to make children, we are having sex because we love each other - that made Kit cringe. So then Kit made his final point. He said wasn't what we were doing like being paedophiles? I told him what paedos do was very wrong, they exploited other people, children who were young, who could not make their own decisions and were groomed or hurt. They were abused. I asked Kit if he thought I, as the younger of the two, had been hurt or groomed by Lochan in anyway. He conceded that he thought not. 

I explained to him that we just thought of it as an accident that we were brother and sister. We loved each other in a different way because of the way we had had to lean on each other while we looked after everyone else. So if there had been any abuse it was emotional abuse from our father who had abandoned us and our mother who neglected us, Kit accepted even then that that was true. I also added that Lochie and I had never really been allowed to be children together. We had tried to hide during our parents' fights and comforted each other when we were small even before all the children had been born. Then we had looked after the children as each one had been born as mum never really coped. Did he remember when we used to take Tiffin out for walks round the block in his pram? Lochie was with me taking turns to push the pram and Kit ran along beside us. No football with friends for Lochie. No sleepovers doing dressing up at friends houses for me. We must have looked like little waifs and strays from the 1940's, I'm surprised the social services didn't come for us then. But I remembered Lochie always made sure we were nicely dressed. I was the scruffier one. Gran passed away long ago, but it was Lochie who liked to polish all our shoes, like she had shown us. Then when we were older, I couldn't go round behind the corner shop like Kit did when he was 12 or 13, smoking cigarettes. I'd be at home hoovering, and every time when it jammed it would be Lochie who would sort it out even though he was only 13 or 14 himself. Or when Willa kept taking her potty into her bedroom and had accidents, it was me and Lochie who emptied the room, took out the carpet and painted the floorboards with left over paint in all different colours, and pretended it was our design to look like that. I remember it was so heavy to lift the carpet, it took ages to cut it up into small pieces. Mum said seeing as we had decided to do it, it was down to us. I was 13, Lochie 14. So I think Kit understood, we had never had a proper childhood so we had never been proper brother and sister together. I guess we do have a bond, an understanding because we endured the same things. Other siblings may have had similar lives and not fallen in love, I don't dispute that. But we do try to be good people, so I just don't feel that it could be wrong. 

I don't mind talking about incest - if a mother or father has sex with their child even if they are both adults it is always wrong because it is the parent's responsibility to establish a different relationship. Or if an older brother or sister coerces or grooms a sibling because they are a loser or on a power trip that's also wrong. But Lochie and I aren't like that at all. We are just very ordinary, but we are in love.

We promised Kit he would never see us together being affectionate, kissing. In return he would be able to experience a proper, safe, loving family life. We held up our side of the bargain, and so did he. Our only condition was that he would never tell anyone about us again, including Willa and Tiffin. He agreed but said if he ever thought either of us made a move on him, Tiffin, or Willa be would call 999 immediately. I told him that was good. He was right, if either of us did anything like that then everything I had just said was a lie and he had to do it. Of course, nothing like that would ever happen, and to step forward now to volunteer to take over the family I realised Kit accepted us for what we saw ourselves. Not siblings, but partners. 

'Kit,' I said, 'it's would be a lonely job on your own. It's a huge responsibility.'  
'But single people manage it,' he replied  
'Yes but it's not something you would have chosen. It shouldn't be a sacrifice.'  
'But you are sacrificing something, you said so.'  
'That's different. I'm talking about your youth. You don't get that back.You would still have 7 or 8 years to look after Willa, besides she may need longer. I'm not just going to drop her when she's 18, and neither would you.'  
'But...'  
'But nothing, I was just thinking out loud. I love you kids. You may think you don't need me and Lochie but you do. And Willa is a girl, she especially needs me. We won't go anywhere will we Lochie?' I asked

Lochie had been quiet. 'No, but he may have a point, Maya. Not that we should leave but that you need to think more about yourself. I don't like it that I'm at university and you don't want to go. It may look to other people that I'm controlling you, limiting you.'  
'But you're not. It's my choice,' I stated firmly.  
'Is it, really? I think you are just putting me and the kids first and you may regret it.'  
'No Lochie. It's ridiculous to both go to university at similar times - we can't afford it. Besides a degree doesn't mean a better job. I am studying you know. I have looked into it,' I argued.  
'Are you sure it's right for you?'  
'Yes, I may even end up better paid than you, you dreamer.' I kissed him on the cheek.'Oh sorry, Kit,' I said, apologising.  
'It's ok...really. I'll leave it with you. I'm going to go to school now. You can tell me what you think, whenever.'  
Kit said goodbye and went to school  
'Er, was that Kit or has an alien taken over his body?' laughed Lochie  
'I think that was Kit....He's changed. He looks up to you now.' I really believed that.  
'Well I hope thats a good thing...' replied Lochie  
'Of course it is. You look after 3 kids and you are studying at one of the best universities in the country.'  
'That's what I mean, you could do that too.'  
'We all know I'm not clever enough. I think I take after mum.'  
'No you don't. I work hard. It comes naturally to you. If you more time to study you could achieve anything.'  
'But I don't want to go to uni now. Maybe, maybe later'  
'Ok. But I don't want you to end up hating me,' Lochie said with conviction.  
'Why would I do that?'  
'Because of what binds us together. I don't want to have more of an influence over you because I'm your brother. If we break up...'  
'Don't say things like that.' I moved closer to him.  
'But I just want you to know that if you ever want out, I will support you. I will be your brother again.'  
'Well I'm glad you have got a switch you can flick but I haven't. Does it seem to you that I want out?' That comment made me cross.  
'No.'  
'Well then. If you want to support me you have to respect that I don't want to go to university. I'm going to get a job in an audit office so I will have a good job anywhere in the country. You see, I have better plans than you. Because as far as I can see ahead, I will always be with you.'  
Lochie didn't say anything to me but just kissed me and drew me onto the floor with him. He made love to me very tenderly and was very considerate to me, making sure I came first. So I felt that although he didn't say it then, he wanted to be with me together forever too, just like he had declared when he inscribed my bangle, years ago. I knew then that I didn't have to worry about any Binkys Dinkys or Tinkys ever again. I am Lochie's and he is mine.


	8. Lochan

So somehow we got through my first and second year of uni and into my third. Willa was now aged 9, Tiffin 12 Kit 17 and Maya was 20. The children were doing well, Kit was more practical than academic, but did well at school and played centre forward on the school football team. I went with him to all of his matches and knew most of his friends and their parents. He had really straightened himself out and was popular. So different to me in my 6th form days, but we got on really well. Willa was into singing, dancing and acting. I think she would have been musical too - dad was. But we only managed to get her signed up for free piano lessons for a year before government cuts forced the end of the subsidy. She had been doing really well and a friend gave us their old piano so she still has a go. But Maya found a few clubs that hardly cost anything, like church choir and the community theatre group so she does those - she has had small parts in the local Christmas panto and that kind of thing. She and Maya are very close. I wish I had been able to give Maya those opportunities, but back then I couldn't. The one I worry about is Tiffin. He has grown away from his old play mate Willa, but is too young to hang round with Kit. But that will change in a few years, and his a lot less trouble than Kit was at that age. He is thoughtful I know and luckily has more confidence than I did at his age. People think he looks like me too. Mum has moved with a new partner, Martin, to Cornwall and we don't here from her. Strangely though, Dad has sent Christmas presents this year and a few letters. The presents were wildly inappropriate for our ages, I think he has no idea. He has split with his wife so I guess he has some free time.  
Maya and I have a solid relationship. We are experts at taking on different personas in public and private now. It actually harder at home, now that Tiffin stays up later. Kit actually helps us out. He say he will watch a movie with Tiffin, so we can turn in and first Maya will go up, and then me. I lock my bedroom or and then we bolt ourselves in Maya's room. I guess all that sneaking around does make sex with Maya exciting. Also she is a beautiful woman now. She is about 5'9, her auburn hair reaches to her waist. Her figure is slim but she has all the right curves, my hands and lips know them all very well. Her face is naturally pretty - she rarely wears make up, but when she does she is stunning, and on nights out she has no shortage of interest even when I am with her. And she is totally oblivious to how gorgeous she is, though I tell her all the time. She could have absolutely any man she wanted and yet she has only chosen me, and that can't be right. So I decided to do something about that.

When we began our sexual relationship I read a lot about brother/sister incest. More people were supportive of consensual relationships than against it - as opposed to parent- child which were almost universally deplored, thank god. But recently I have been rereading stuff and I can't help but think what if it's true, what if we were damaged by our childhood and we haven't made this choice to be together at all? What if deep down it's just another symptom of the emotional abuse and neglect we suffered? I think this makes a convincing argument on paper, but in my head I don't feel it can be true. I love Maya with my heart, mind and body. I respect her, cherish her, adore her and I think, protect her. I am not really attracted to anyone else, no more than appreciating other women for their looks, or enjoying their company on a night out. I think everyone thinks I must be gay, but denying it to myself, as they believe I haven't had a girlfriend through university. But though Maya tells me she feels the same, I have to open her eyes to the freedoms she could have without me. I have asked her to date other men, to build relationships with them, try sex with someone other than me, but she won't. She gets really upset when I say that, and says I don't really mean it. She says she doesn't ever want to have anyone else and being faithful, and not having other partners ever is just another way that we are special, because we found true love so young. I have to admit I love her more because she believes that, she really believes in us. I understand her point - why would you try something else when you have something as good as what we have got? If we weren't brother and sister we would probably have been planning a wedding and talk about having children in the future as we fit so perfectly. But that's what I want Maya to have, and she can't have any of that with me. So if she won't try to develop a relationship with another man because she loves me, all I can change is the latter point. The inscription I gave Maya on the bangle is true: I will love her for ever. But I still have to break her heart.

Once I set my mind to it, it wasn't difficult. I told Maya I was going out with the lads - I still have my free student room -and said I would come back Saturday afternoon, as Kit had a Sunday match. I did go out with the lads and after the pub we went clubbing. Starting at the student union we picked up some girls we know from our courses. Matt knew Anna and Kyla from Psychology and I knew Rosie from my Romantic Poets course. There were a few friends of friends so about 10 in total. I was drawn to Kyla, for the purpose of my plan anyway. Maybe that wasn't fair to her...I guess the main thing was her hair. Not as long as Maya's it was a similar shade. She was slim like Maya too, a little more petite. She was pretty, though her makeup was more noticeable - fake eyelashes, defined eyebrows, painted lips. Yes, if I thought about it she was sexy in a kind of obvious way. So for the first time I let the conversation flow the way they want. Yes I do look after my siblings. Yes it's hard work. Yes it's lonely sometimes. Yes it's difficult to get time to myself. Yes you can come back to my room.  
So Kyla ended up half undressed on my bed. Kissing her was good. I didn't have to pretend it was Maya, she aroused me by herself. I liked her. I felt nervous taking off her clothes. That was mainly guilt. My cock was hard though and maybe they are right that's where we keep our brains. Because I didn't want to do it, but I had to do it. I closed my eyes as I entered her. I had skipped foreplay completely so God knows what she thought of my technique. But she was experienced enough, and a bit theatrical, to make the most of it. Once she started moving with me, yes, I enjoyed the physical part of it, but in my heart there was actual pain knowing how much I would be hurting Maya. But even so, I fucked Kyla twice that night, as well as having plenty of oral sex for me and for her. Her riding me was far the better of the two times as she controlled everything really well. 

When I went home the next morning I took Maya some flowers and made love to her so passionately over the weekend I know she didn't suspect a thing. For I couldn't tell her yet. I wasn't ready to lose her. The next week it was the same, I met Kyla on the Friday and she stayed with me till Saturday morning. The next week the same again, and the next week we started meeting in the week as well. And still I couldn't tell Maya. Two months passed. It dawned on me that perhaps I hadn't done this for Maya at all, I had done this for me. I was having an affair. I couldn't give myself completely to Kyla - I didn't feel I could totally be myself and that love and trust I have with Maya just wasn't there. But I liked Kyla, she was warm and funny and put no pressure on me. I realised that I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't a freak, I could have sex with other women and enjoy it. But still I wanted my sister, so maybe that made me a freak and a cheat? But I decided I wasn't going to tell Maya after all.


	9. Maya

I couldn't be more proud of my family - every single person. Willa is my darling and very talented. Tiffin is, well Tiffin. He is easy going but yet to find his own direction, I know he looks up to Lochie a lot. He is always pleased when Lochie is at home when he brings friends round. I have heard him say 'That's my eldest brother Lochan. He looks after me. He is bringing us all up.' It's really sweet. I love to see Kit and Lochan together. They look similar, but Lochan is more manly, he looks older than his 21 years, and he has a commanding presence that Kit now respects. They spend a lot of time in each other's company, which is good for them both. Lochan has done brilliantly at university and is on track for a first. He has a job lined up at a publishing house Aldridge and Fortescue, and will work for a small subsidiary the bigger company.

I think as time goes on I just love Lochie more. I don't know if this is the way most 20 year olds love. But it's complete. I am so proud of him. I want to be everything to him. I want him to be happy. I want to put him first because I love him. He asks me to try seeing other people - just so I know what it's like but that just seems weird to me. Why ruin what we have? We have been so lucky. We have a happy family, mum's gone. The most difficult part of bringing up the kids is over. I am just so excited for our future. I have a bundle of qualifications now in computing and bookkeeping but Lochan really wanted me to take my education to a higher level so I totally changed tack this year, and am doing a foundation in art in textiles. That was always my strongest subject but I thought there was no money in it. But Lochan said I had to imagine what I would want to do if I had no responsibilities, so I told him. I applied and though the workload is heavy, with both Lochan and Kit helping out it has been brilliant. I'm so lucky to have that support and encouragement.

I like the people on my course too. I specially deleted my old Facebook account after saving family photos. I have made two new ones, one under the name Maya Bonita for my friends at home and MayaNaya for college. They are strange names so it's difficult to be found even if I mess up with the privacy settings. In the first account I have a family things and in the second one it's just arty stuff because I haven't told anyone at college about my brother Lochan. For nearly 3 years we acted as brother and sister with his college friends. I want it to be the other way round with mine, so I have told Lochan he has to meet me in London next week and I am going to introduce him as my boyfriend Matthew, his middle name. Lochie says even London is not big enough to do that - that we might meet some of his friends, but I'm desperate to just be with him, to show off my wonderful boyfriend, to go on dates, so Lochie said he'd do it, next week. He has been really busy recently so I am pleased. He says he has been working on a special project but he only stays over in college 1 night a week. When he comes home he has been making a special fuss of me, buying me flowers and presents so I know he misses me. We have more money now as Kit has a job at the bike shop and Lochie had a paid internship over the summer, so everything is going so well, better than I could ever have hoped.

Lochie said he would meet us at the club. We are trying a new one so I hope we get good phone service as it's across 3 floors. I have bought myself a new dress from Topshop, I hope Lochie likes it as I want to look good for him. Jessa, and Shonara are meeting me at Kings Cross and Roxanne is going to be there with her boyfriend too. I am so excited. Lochie is the sensible one I know, so I'm so glad he is doing this for me. 

I met up with the girls and we had a couple of drinks in The Booking Office at the Kings Cross hotel. We are going to a club that's nearby at Caledonian Road. It's April but it's been very warm so we were all happy and bubbly. My dress was quite expensive but I caught a glimpse of myself in a window and I knew I looked nice. I felt really special, and knew this was going to be an important day for Lochie and me, I couldn't wait. We got to the club and met up with Roxy. There are a few other people we know too. We had a bit of a dance then I got some drinks.  
'Where's Lochie?' I kept thinking, he should be here soon. But then I got a text.  
'I'm here, meet me outside.' Brilliant, I thought, everyone is going to love him. I passed my drink to Jessa, 'He's here,' I say, 'I'm just going to get him, back in a minute!' and I rushed out of the club like Cinderella.


	10. Lochan

I stood opposite the main entrance of the club on the other side of the road. Maya has responded to my text immediately. She waited at the door looking for me, but I didn't move. I stood in a doorway on the opposite side of the road. I just wanted to watch her. I do really love her. She is so good, trusting and committed to me. What I have with Kyla in comparison is so hollow, so empty. I don't think I will ever find a love with such depth or magic in it as I have had with Maya.That's why I just stand there, just watching her. She looks so beautiful I didn't want to forget this moment, because after this she isn't going to love me any more. She had curled her hair in waves, she doesn't do it like that a lot, her hair is so long it takes over an hour, but God, when she does she is stunning, like a mermaid or some ethereal being. Now those waves fall over her alabaster skin. Her dress doesn't look immediately like club wear, more sophisticated, it is made of a translucent fabric that shines gold and turquoise, showing just enough skin to be sensual and seductive. I approached her and she saw me, she came running towards me, so happy. She really believes we could do this, that we could be normal. I see now that the dress has petals and leaves sewn into it. If there was a more stunning woman in the club I'd be surprised. And yet she is mine, all mine. But still I have to break her heart. She goes to kiss me but I turn away.  
'It's okay, you're Matthew here remember, my friends are waiting to meet you, I have told them how wonderful you are.' She said, taking me by the arm, smiling so sweetly and lead me into the club.  
'Maya, I'm a bit nervous can you help me?' I asked.  
'Yes if course,' she says with a laugh. I can tell she has had a bit to drink.  
'Can you point out your friends when you see them so I can get in character?' I ask.  
'Just be yourself Lochie, I mean Matthew, that's the point!' I can tell she's excited, she thinks this is new stage for us. It will be, but not like she thinks.  
'Ok, let's see how this goes - you best make sure you get my name right anyway.'  
She looks a bit embarrassed.  
'Ah there they are!' she says, holding me close, but I pull away - does she notice?  
We reach the girls. It's noisy, but I speak especially loudly so I'm heard.  
'Hello everyone, I'm Lochie, Maya's brother.'  
I don't look at Maya right away. One of the girls speaks first.  
'Her brother? We thought her boyfriend was coming.'  
'Oh, Matthew? Yes he's my best mate. I introduced them - wish I hadn't, he's not good enough for her.' Then I turn to Maya. 'Sorry, he said he's not coming.'  
She has gone completely white.  
'Tell me a bit about yourselves,' I say as I reach in my pocket for our old family mobile that I have programmed with a text and send it just by pressing one button.  
Maya's phone beeped. She looked at the message.  
'Are you ok?' asked Shonara.  
I took her phone which she held loosely in her hand.  
I read out the message. 'Sorry I can't do it anymore. I'm breaking up with you. .'  
'What a shit Maya. You are better off without him. I hope it's nothing I told him.' I said.  
Maya still didn't speak, but I pulled her up a stool, she didn't want to but she had to lean on it anyway. Her eyes were starting to glisten.  
'That's a bad way to start the evening... I'm glad I didn't bring my girlfriend,' I continued. Was that too much?  
'Girlfriend?' questioned Maya, finally speaking.  
'Yes, I haven't told you about her have I?' I knew this was cruel, but I had to hurt her.  
Just then a man came up, patted me on the back and high fived me. 'Lochan? Is that you? Great to see you. Is this your sister Maya? Is she ok?'  
'Yeah, sure mate don't worry,' I told him. 'Here I owe you a round. Take this twenty, we will catch up later mate.' He disappeared to the bar. A nice touch I thought, to pay a random stranger to recognise me to show Maya how dangerous this game could be. Her friends had been comforting her, but she still just looked at me, tears beginning to stream down her face. She didn't attempt to wipe them away. I so wanted to take her into my arms. It was my job to look after her, protect her...but not today.  
'Oh yes, I was telling you about my girlfriend Kyla. Yes, it's only been a couple of months, I mainly just see her Friday nights. I thought it was just sex, but I think it might be more...'  
Maya started to sob. I must seem like a real jerk to her friends.  
'Sorry maybe that's bad timing...?' I added.  
Maya almost collapses but I caught her in my arms.  
'Sorry ladies, I think Matthew treated her badly, I'm really sorry. I will get her home.' I told her friends, helping Maya stand.  
She let me lead her out of the club.  
She was crying so much now.  
'Let go of me, let go of me!' she yelled, and tried to pull away.  
I knew I couldn't take her home like that so I pulled her to the side of the building down an alley where the bins are.  
She hit me and screamed at me.  
'What are you trying to tell me? I don't know what your saying, I don't even know what's true!' she cried.  
'It's true, all of it. I'm saying it's over,' I shouted back.  
'No no no! You're lying!'  
'I'm not playing these games, it's too dangerous. I told you!'  
'No! No! I hate you! I hate you!' She's kept pummelling at my chest. I didn't try to stop her.  
'Good, fucking good, that's what I wanted,' I said back trying to seem as cold as I can.  
'So you are fucking someone else?' she asked. I can see she hopes I was making that part up.  
'Yes, I'm fucking someone else' I tell her, 'and I like it.'  
'You bastard! You fucking bastard!'  
Then I do something I never planned to do. I kissed her, I try to kiss her on her mouth, I tried to get my tongue inside her  
'Get off me, get off me!' she pounded at my chest. I took hold of her wrists.  
'Hey, are you alright?' A man is passing at the head of the alley, he took a few paces down towards us.  
'Hey miss are you ok?' he asked. I let go of Maya.  
'She's okay, she's okay,' I answered, staying in the shadows.  
'I want to hear it from her,' he replied calmly.  
She stepped away from me.  
'Yes,' she said trying to stifle her tears.  
'You sure?' he asked again.  
'I said she's okay, it's none of your business, she's fine," I told him again.  
'Look mate, I want to hear from her,' he was quite insistent.  
I was actually glad there are some decent people in the world but I don't want Maya to go yet.  
The man held out one hand to stop me approaching.  
'Look miss, have you got cab fare?'  
'Yes.'  
'Right. If you want to walk up that alley and go home you can go. He won't follow you now okay?' I actually respected this guy but I want Maya.  
'Butt out!' I shouted at him.  
'Hey, hey,' he gestured at me and I stayed back.'But if you want to stay, just say it and I will go,' he continued.  
Maya looks at me. 'I will stay.. Thank you.' She looked down at the ground.  
'Okay, that's all I wanted to know. Mate, I'm sorry,' he said to me, 'but I hope you understand.'  
'Yeah, yeah, it's ok' I replied.  
The man turned and left.  
I grabbed hold of Maya again. She let me kiss her this time. My hands were desperate to feel her flesh and I pulled at the delicate fabric of her beautiful new dress tearing it. I couldn't bear to see her so upset, and it was me who has done this to her. A brother would put his arm round her, comfort her, take her home. But I'm not her brother, not now. I pulled her next to the industrial bin to hide us from the view of the passers by at the top of the alley. I turned her round and pushed her to the wall. I spread her legs out for me and stroked her lovely little rounded bottom with one hand, while with my other I reached round through the tears in her dress to squeeze her wonderful pert breasts. I kissed the back of her neck. I was already feeling myself throb steadily for her. I slipped my fingers inside her.  
'Lochie,' she gasped. I think she may be crying again.  
'Do you want me?' I asked.  
'Yes,' she replied, 'Oh God, yes.'  
I unzip my flies and moved her thong out of the way so I could thrust into her with all the power I can find.  
'God, I love you. I fucking love you!' I murmured in her ear.  
'I hate you Lochie, I hate you!' she sobbed as I continued to drive into her.  
'Good. Can't you see that's what I want? I can't be without you. All I want is you. I'm a freak. You have to leave me. I am too weak. You have to do it.' I pleaded. All I have done is messed everything up.  
'No, I won't do it, I won't! I fucking won't, you bastard,' she shouted.  
'Quiet, quiet.. Just a minute,' I urged her.  
A few more thrusts as she pushed herself into me and I come inside her, and in the next moment I turn her round and we kiss like we always have done, like we love each other. Our hands are all over each other too, hers are under my shirt around my back and mine have somehow managed the same. Her dress is ruined and her makeup has begun to smudge. She felt my cock and goes to bend down as if she is going try to arouse me again, by taking me into her mouth, but I pulled her up.  
'No,' I said, 'not anymore. I told you we can't be together like that.'  
'I don't care!'  
'What about?'  
'Your girlfriend...'  
'She's nothing anyway...' It was true.  
'Have you finished with her?'  
'No.'  
'So?'  
'So I will finish it, I don't need anyone else, but I can't have you, not like this.'  
'Why not?'  
'You have to have space to find yourself. You can use my room, whatever. You have to do it, you have to find someone else.'  
'And if I do?'  
'Then you can make your choice.'  
'And if I choose you?'  
'Then you have me," I don't know if I actually meant that or not, but I was trying to help her break free. I wasn't good at it though. My feelings were so confused. 'But only if you do this, if you try to find someone else first.'  
'Okay I will. I'll do it'  
I kissed her tears away. I just know I'm going to love this woman for the rest of my life.


	11. Maya

It was a week after Lochie destroyed my life. Now it's his turn. We have hardly talked. He wants me to find a lover and sneak off somewhere. He's even given me a key card to his university room to make it easy for me. But I can do better. Kit's out, but Lochie is at home watching one of the Marvel films with Willa and Tiff. I have been getting dressed up and doing my make up, lots of it. I come downstairs.  
'Going out?' asks Lochie. Probably the first thing he has said to me today.  
'No a friend's coming over.'  
'Frankie?'  
'No, Rowan'  
'Rowan?'  
'Yes the girls have been trying to match me up with someone since Matthew dumped me.'  
He's silent.  
There's a knock at the door.  
'Ah that's him,' I say, displaying fake excitement.  
I answer the door. There's Rowan. He's not art school. He's a friend of Roxy's, he's training to be a rugby pro, or if that doesn't work out a coach. He's big and broad not like Lochie. Not my type at all. We met once before, he's okay.  
I take him into the living room, and introduce him to everyone. He's affable enough.  
'We are just going upstairs to listen to some music,' I announce.  
Tiffin sniggers.  
Lochie bites his lip.  
It doesn't take many minutes to get Rowan out of his clothes. I sit astride him but I'm not ready. Rowan has to use his hands on me, but he doesn't really know what he's doing. He probably thinks he does. It's not his fault. I've never had any inhibitions with Lochie. I could always tell him what to do. He would be so patient, so keen to learn how my body responded to his. So all I can do is pretend it's Lochie. I don't think I could do this if I didn't at least try to pretend. But he looks nothing like him. He feels nothing like him, not when I touch his chest or his arms. Not when he's inside me. I try to rock the bed so it bangs against the wall. I want Lochie to be aware of every thrust into me. Then it's over. I go downstairs to get Rowan some pizza and pop in to see everyone.  
'All okay? I ask.  
'Well, at least we can hear the film better now,' says Tiffin. 'I think they are doing some work next door. There was a lot of banging.' He sniggers again.  
Lochie doesn't look at me.  
So I take the pizza upstairs and fuck Rowan again, Tiffin will have missed more of the movie.  
Then it's over and I tell Rowan I don't feel like going out, and he leaves.  
Lochie doesn't speak to me the rest of the weekend. But if he thinks that's all I'm going to do he's wrong.  
The next week Tiffin's out, Willa's at a sleepover and Kit and Lochie are playing poker. I haven't got dressed up. Lochie has been watching me as if trying to work out what I'm doing for the evening. I come and sit down with them.  
'Deal me in?' I say to Kit. I think Lochie is pleased, as he smiles at me. I haven't been getting many of those. I don't really smile back but I sit close to him. I want to feel his body next to mine, he doesn't move away. Lochie goes to put his arm round me out of habit, but draws it back.  
'Are you seeing Rowan again?' he asks.  
'No,' I say, was that a sigh of relief from him?  
'You didn't like him?' asks Lochie but I don't answer.  
'Rowan? asks Kit. I'm surprised Tiff didn't tell him.  
'Yeah, don't worry Kit it wasn't serious,' I explain.  
He looks surprised, and looks to his brother for confirmation.  
'It's okay,' says Lochie.  
Kit deals my hand but there's a knock.  
'Oh sorry boys, I forgot I had someone coming round.' I see a look of disappointment on Lochie's face. Good, I can hurt him too.  
I go to the door and bring in Harry, from college.  
Same thing, I take him upstairs. This time I'm more involved. I fuck him senseless.  
I hear the door slam. Lochie's gone out. I don't see him till the next day, at lunch.  
'I think your plan was a good one, I'm enjoying myself,' I lie.  
'Good,' he says tersely. Nothing else.  
The next week Lochie is prepared for what I'm going to do. When the door knocks this time he opens it and meets Kai. I have Kai back the next week too, but that's all. The week after Michael turns up at the door. I let him knock three times. Lochie is the only one in the house. I have a feeling he stays in so that he can see who I invite home even if he goes out immediately after. He's going to like this one. So I call out to Lochie from the kitchen, 'Please can you get the door, I'm just doing something?' Surprisingly he obliges. I peep round the door. I see Michael holding a bunch of flowers. Michael is about 45 to 50. He's the Dad of one of my friends I was at school with, Harley. I wonder if Lochie remembers him? He's not awful looking but he's passed his prime and he looks like he has made an effort in his clothes, which makes him look awkward. He's even brought a bunch of flowers.  
'Hello,' says Lochie. ''You're Harley's Dad, aren't you?'  
'Ah..yes. I'm surprised you remember me.'  
'Oh of course I do, I remember dropping Maya off at yours for a Cinderella party and didn't Harley have a Hannah Montana one?'  
'Oh yes,' Michael replied nervously.  
'What lovely flowers. Are they for me?' asked Lochie. I nearly laughed. Lochie can be so funny...  
'Er...no, they are for Maya. Er is she in...?'  
'No I'm sorry she's not. She's gone to Peru.'  
'Peru?'  
'Yes, but I can give her the flowers if you like.'  
Michael handed Lochie the flowers.  
'Great,' he said with a faint smile.  
'When will she be back?'  
'Not for 6 months, sorry. Bye. Say hello to your daughter for me.'  
Lochie shut the door and came storming into the kitchen.  
'What the fuck do you think you're playing at?' he shouted at me, throwing the flowers in the bin.  
'I'm playing the game you told me to play,' I replied  
'I didn't tell you to fuck old men'  
'Hes not that old ..'  
'He knew you when you were 8 years old for God's sake'.  
'I didn't know you cared.'  
'Yes you did, that's why you did it.' I can see he's upset so I take a risk.  
'I'm sorry, Lochie,' I say, moving closer to him. He turns his face away from me but stands still. Maybe I have a chance. I put my hands on his chest. He doesn't stop me. If I can just get him to look at me, I know if our eyes meet...  
'Lochie..'  
He turns his face to me, I look in his eyes, he looks in mine. This is it. He moves towards me first. His lips on mine, his hands through my hair. His tongue in my mouth. Oh God, please let him say we can stop this stupid game. I can feel him getting hard against my body. I want him so much I put my hand in his trousers, but that was too much. He pulls away. I've ruined it.  
'No, Maya, no.' he shouts. 'It's not right.. You can bring whoever you want back. You can fuck whoever you want. I won't stop you again.'  
'No Lochie, not anymore,' I plead. There's only one person I want to fuck, only one person I need to fuck. He knows that.  
''Do what you like, you can be nothing to me,' he shouts again.  
I start to cry. I wish I wasn't so pathetic but I love him. And what's worse I know he loves me too.  
'I'm sorry Maya, I didn't mean that ...'  
'I know,' I say wiping my tears.'I'll play your game..but don't forget what you said to me '  
''Yes I know, I'm sorry' he replies. But I'm not convinced he means to keep his promise. The problem is he told me to find someone to love but I know that's going to be impossible so I don't know how this can end. Still, I will play on. Then he will have to take me back eventually, won't he?  
So the week after it's Rory. Just in case Lochie has been thinking this has been getting a bit routine I get Rory to come downstairs afterwards. Lochie is sitting on the sofa. I sit right next to him, I'm wearing a rose coloured slip Lochie bought for me and not much else, in fact, nothing else. I have Rory on the other side of me, Lochie goes to get up straightaway, he looks so uncomfortable. I'm still flushed from the orgasm I gave myself, maybe he can see, it shows up on my chest because of my pale skin. Maybe he wonders how many of these men can make me come like he can. In fact none of them can. I don't let them. I just fake it for them sometimes. I have too much going on in my mind to let go. Besides I want to keep that part of me for Lochie, so that when he takes me back I will know that though these men I chose used my body, they didn't have me completely, like Lochie does. So thinking of this, I take his hand in mine, gesturing to him to stay sitting on the sofa with us. It's the first time I have held his hand in weeks. I shoot him a glance that says,  
'This is what you wanted me to do' - we end up holding hands just a bit longer than we should.  
'Let's watch a movie I suggest, I'll get us some drinks.'  
I go into the kitchen leaving Rory and Lochie to chat together...  
When I return Lochie says 'Rory and I chose a movie on Netflix.'  
'Great,' I reply handing out the drinks.'What is it?' I ask.  
'Deliverance' Lochie tells me. Funny, very funny Lochie, I think to myself. Did he want to ruin my evening with a film featuring crazy Appalachian inbreds?  
'I'll go to my room, you can watch it together,' he says.  
'You chose it, you stay for a bit, we don't mind do we Rory?' I tell him, pulling him back into his seat. I hope Rory doesn't sense the tension.  
'No mate, it's fine,' adds Rory. I think he wants a bit of a rest.  
I lean over to Rory and kiss him, and slide my legs on to the sofa. My feet touch Lochie. My legs are bare, and my slip just skims my bottom when I'm lying down like this. I can sense that Lochie's trying not to look. but I want him to look. I want him to see what he is denying himself. I just want Lochie to touch me but of course he doesn't. I shuffle about a bit. I push my foot on to his groin and flex my toes. Rory is totally oblivious. He must be a real film fan. I prop my self up on my elbow, my other hand stroking Rory's thigh. Lochie turns and looks along my body to my eyes. I don't know how much he can see but he thumps a cushion on to my bottom. He helps himself to another drink and makes his excuses and manages to leave. I bet he is going to go to his room to wank himself off. I make out with Rory for a bit, but tell him I don't like the film, can we go back upstairs?  
Rory has had a bit to drink too but didn't object. So for the first time I keep one of my lovers with me through the night. I know Lochie can hear everything, his room is next to mine. So though I'm not a screamer, I deliberately exaggerated my sighs and cries, hopefully Tiffin and Willa are long asleep. Rory must think he's got the magic touch, whereas he's actually past it. When I slide off him he's actually drifting off to sleep. But I'm not tired. I actually hate having someone in my room. I just want Lochie. I want him to tell me to stop but he won't because he really believes this is good for me. He thinks this is normal life. But even though I have had sex a few times tonight my lust is not sated, because it's Lochie I want. So because of that, or maybe because of the drink, I do something reckless. I leave my bed and put my slip back on and tiptoe out of my room. It's about 2.30, Lochie's door is ajar and there's a light on. I suppose all the noise I was making kept him awake. I want him to put his arms round me and make love to me and make all this pain go away. And then I want him to just hold me and comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. Because sometimes when he holds me it isn't sexual or even sensual, it's just warm and safe and I realise that's what I want from him too.  
One of the floorboards beneath my feet makes the slightest squeak, in the daytime it wouldn't have been heard at all. There is a rustling inside Lochie's room and a lamp goes off. Does he know I'm here? If I go in will he send me away? I pause to think, and in that time realise how ridiculous I'm being, even in this surreal situation. There's a man in my bedroom for goodness sake. So I turn and go back to my room, and get into bed. Rory is sprawled across my bed fast asleep. But even so I manage make myself so small that our bodies don't touch. So I just lie in bed with my arms hugging my chest thinking of Lochie going to sleep on his own too, in the room next to mine.

I can feel the tension the rest of the week, if Lochie heard me in the hall outside his room, he didn't say. Lochie still comes home everyday, does all the jobs round the house like normal, even finds more things to do in the garden. He spends a lot of time with Kit and is more involved with Tiffin and Willa too. Is he trying to push me out?  
The next weekend I haven't arranged to bring anyone home. I can't say it wasn't fun, sometimes, but it wasn't Lochie. It was just sex. With Lochie it's always been more. I am meeting the girls back at the club at Caledonian Road tonight. I didn't want to go back but it's their favourite one at the moment. I tell Lochie that I'm going out with the girls and he seems relieved. But I tell him I might use his university room.  
'Is that okay?' I ask.  
'Yes,' he says. I don't really intend to, but I just say it anyway. What's the point of causing each other such pain?  
I don't get so dressed up to go to the club this time. I want to have a night out with the girls but I don't want to think about Lochie. He seemed so different that day. He hurt me so much, but I really think he was hurting too.  
So I mainly sit at the bar, while the girls dance.  
Then someone comes over to me  
'Can I buy you a drink?' I'm used to this but usually I just say no. Today I say 'yes, sure'. The man looks familiar but I can't place him  
'Do you remember me?' he asks  
'No, I don't think so...'  
'It was about a month or so ago...'  
'No, sorry'  
'Outside the club...'  
'Oh yes.' I must look embarrassed. It's the guy who checked on me when I was fighting with Lochie.  
'Oh god yes. I'm surprised you recognised me..'  
'Well your hair is stunning.. I wouldn't forget it. I was thinking about you, I thought I should have made you leave? ' he looks concerned.  
'No you did the right thing, you were quite brave really.. ' I blush.  
'Brave? Was he violent?' He looks cross with himself.  
'No I mean, he could have been, he was just a jerk. He's gone now.'  
'Okay I'm glad. My name's Tyrese.'  
Tyrese was lovely, really genuine. He told me he was training to be a policeman, on their graduate scheme. We danced together a bit, nothing too extreme, and he met my friends.  
'Will you be here next week,' he asks.  
'Yes," I said. He gave me his number,  
'Call me if you come, I'll be here.' We say goodbye.  
That night I go back to Lochie's college room on my own and lie in his bed hugging his pillow close to me. It smells of him and I imagine he is here with me. I love him still, and I know that he loves me, that's why he's making me do this. I cry myself to sleep.


	12. Lochan

I know I deserved it. Every week Maya brought home a new guy. Harry, Larry, Gary I don't know, it doesn't matter. I told her to find someone to love not someone different to fuck every weekend. But I guess I didn't sign her up for any rules. I'm just glad I managed to distract the kids better after the first week. I guess I'm a bit prudish after all. But I don't want the younger kids to know their sister is sleeping around. Maybe that's a bit warped seeing as she's been having sex with me for four years. But we protected them from that too.  
To be honest they don't seem to care. Tiffin thought it was funny the first time, Willa didn't notice. It's Kit who seems angry.  
'So after all this you've split up?' he says unexpectedly when we are walking home from a match.  
'Yes,' I tell him, I suppose we have.  
'Was it worth it?' he questions  
'Worth it?'  
'I mean do you wish you had never done it?' It seems a sensible question, but I don't have a sensible answer.  
'No, yes...no'  
'What do you mean?  
'I mean I loved her, and I want her to be happy.'  
'I thought she already was...'  
'Kit...,' I plead  
'So you don't love her anymore? It's you, you've made her do this?,' I can hear anxiety in his voice.  
'No... I do love her, but I can't love her in that way anymore. That's not how the world works. Don't worry, nothing will change. I'm not going any where,' I say trying to console him.  
'Yeah right. We'll see,' he replies and we then walk silently home.

So I put up with all the guys she was bringing back. I knew she was doing it deliberately to hurt me - I said she could use my university room, but she wanted me to know all about it. She wanted me to hear it. I seldom was in my uni room anymore. I went to my lectures, seminars and the library, and then I came home. I broke up with Kyla, she was good about it, I think she'd used me like I'd used her. We had no emotional connection. Society doesn't really have a problem with meaningless sexual relationships, so that was fine.

Then one day Maya told me she would be using my room after all. The men she brings here normally just stay an hour or two before or after they go to the pub, none have ever stayed over except Rory, because of the kids I guess. That was bad enough though. But I could hear through the walls it didn't last long, at least. But that night,when she used my room I couldn't sleep imagining her making love to someone all night, like we used to sometimes. I wish the world was different, then I could show her how much I still love her. But the world isn't how we want it to be, so I had to create this stupid game. But still she hadn't fulfilled her promise to me, she was just hopping from one man to another, usually just one night, sometimes two. I'd told her to find someone she could love, or at least try to love, but she wasnt trying at all.  
But then about a month after she first used my room she told me she'd been seeing someone called Tyrese, and she thought I would like him. So I said, I'd like to meet him, but she said she wasn't sure if I could, because he has seen me before - when I told him we were having that awful quarrel the alley behind the club.  
That guy? In a way I was pleased. What I knew about him already was that he was a man of integrity. Not everyone would have intervened in a quarrel by the side of a club in London. I told Maya that I didn't think he really saw me - there were no lights down there and he was more interested in her. He asked her to move forward so he could see she was okay, not me. So she checked, she asked him if he had ever seen Matthew in the club again and he said he was a bit embarrassed, training to be a policeman and everything, but he had really just been looking at her, I - Matthew - had stayed in the shadows, but when Maya had stepped forward the light had illuminated her dress, her hair, her face and that was all he had thought of then and now. So we took a risk and Tyrese met all of us. He was charming and I could see Maya was happy with him. He had his own place in London, was 24 and had gone to university later and had an engineering degree. By coincidence, he had been brought up from the age of fifteen by his older sister who was 10 years his senior, after his mother died of cancer. He had a younger brother, who was now 22. I don't think Maya could have picked anyone better - he could even understand our childhood, at least the part of caring for someone else. He really admired Maya for the role she had taken on and when be talked about his own sister I felt ashamed that I couldn't talk about my sister like that. I felt I had corrupted her, and ruined what was good.

So Maya dated Tyrese quite seriously and didn't bring any other men home. Tyrese had a flat in London, but she was discreet about how often she went there. I don't think she was trying to hurt me anymore, she was trying to build a relationship, like I'd asked. She did say though that she didn't want her time with Tyrese to impact on her family life - she didn't want to be like mum and Dave. So Willa, Tiffin even Kit, I don't think they noticed any absence, she was still around a lot. And she and I began to talk more again. I guess we just had to figure out what our relationship was going to be.

I think we were getting somewhere: maybe things could be normal, whatever that means. But one day the phone rang, Tiffin answered.  
'You've got the wrong number,' he said and put it down.  
'Who was it,' I called to him.  
'I don't know, they said it was Dad,' he replied.  
'Tiff, it probably was...'  
'Was what?' he asked.  
'I think it was our dad then...'  
Tiffin looked confused. I wasn't surprised. I think I had spoken to him only 5 or 6 times sine he went to Australia. Tiffin probably couldn't remember speaking to him on the phone at all.  
'Oh,' he said.  
The phone rang again.  
'Hello dad,' I answered, 'it's Lochan.'

Dad said he wanted us all to come to Australia - he lived in Sydney- for the summer. He would pay for everything. He wanted to reconnect. Kit was adamant he didn't want to go, nor did I. I said Maya could take Tiff and Willa for a month if she wanted, and she said she would. But when it came to booking the tickets I decided to go to, Kit was going to be working at a bike shop and said his dad was no one to him.  
'I remember him, Lochie, even when be was here he took no interest. He never even learnt my friends' names - it was embarrassing.' Kit would have been 8 when he left. 'You always knew my friends'names, their families, even their pets..' he added.  
I hugged him. 'It was different for me,' I said.  
'Yes, you cared. You loved us...'  
Tiffin and Willa had no memory of their father who had left when they were aged 1 and 4 respectively. Willa wanted to see koalas and Tiff wanted to surf. Maya just wanted to be with her siblings, and I did too.  
So we went at the beginning of the holidays. Tyrese drove us to Heathrow, and I gave Maya and him space to say goodbye, they had been together for two months and were going to be apart for one. Maya cried. I think my plan had worked.

When we met Dad, I thought there'd be some overwhelming sense of longing or regret, but there was nothing. I didn't like him much. He was awkward with the children though I could see he was trying to make an effort. He lived in quite a smart area, Manly, a boat trip from Sydney harbour or over the bridge. I went with them to the zoo, the aquarium. He bought the kids toys and ice creams. I didn't like the fact that I could see I looked like him, I didn't want to be like him. Eventually I said to Maya that I was going to go travelling round Australia for the rest of the 4 weeks, the kids would be okay with this stranger that they shared DNA with. Maya to my surprise said she would come with me. I should have said no, but I was pleased, it was like old times. Like before I was 18, like before we had consummated our relationship, I had my friend back. So I said yes. But deep down I think I knew having spent these last 10 says in her company, what I really wanted was my soulmate.

For the first couple of nights we just stayed in hostels in Sydney. I was in the men's dorms, she in the women's. We went to the markets, the botanic gardens, the cafés and clubs - it was wonderful, colourful, exuberant. I liked Sydney a lot. It was smaller than I thought it would be, but it was eclectic. One day we went to Bondi Beach together. It was quite warm for their winter, about 15 degrees and we tried surfing, swimming everything. It turned out a rich uncle of dad's had died and had left him quite an inheritance, so he gave us a a couple of thousand dollars to spend. I didn't say no. We weren't really used to having money so maybe we were a bit extravagant. But for 10 years missing parental support, I don't think it was much. I think we both deserved it really. So we watched the sun setting from the beach and I drew Maya to me to keep warm, and I think the place got to us, seeing couples walking together, surfing together, having fun. It felt like we were removed from our normal life, not just being in a different country, but having money to spend, being free of responsibility. I let Maya talk about the dreams we used to have. We had said years ago that if only we could go where no one knew us we would be okay. And here we were in a whole continent. It just seemed like we could be together again, if only for a short time.

'I have missed you,' said Maya.  
'You know I have missed you too,' I murmured.  
'I did what you asked... I did try.'  
'I know....' My hands were beginning to caress her as she sat between my legs looking out to sea. 'I like Tyrese.'  
'So do I...' she said. 'But I don't love him at all. You said if I did what you asked you would let me chose.'  
'Yes,' I said.  
She didn't say anything but turned round and kissed me. How I had longed for that kiss for months. I took her onto me. There wasn't much privacy, but we were at the far end of the beach. There weren't many people left and they were at some distance. The encroaching darkness helped disguise our bodies as we merged together. It's wrong to say I couldn't help myself. I could. Maybe we were so close to just being normal people and I didn't want to be normal after all. So I took Maya into my arms, laid her on the soft sand and made love to her.

It was all over quickly, too quickly. I should have thought of those happy, exciting, sensual and secretive 4 years we had together already. I should have seen that we had within sight the chance to resume a normal functional life as brother and sister. But in those moments right there on the beach I had thrown it all away. We were back to where we had been months ago. If only I could have looked back and said yes those will be the happiest days of my life but they are over. She is the one that got away. But I hadn't been able to do that. Besides, living with Maya every day meant she was always on my mind. She had been able to move on better with Tyrese than I had with Kyla. And if I wasn't on the scene I think their relationship really had a chance.  
So when Maya asked me her question 'So you choose me too?' I could not give her the answer she wanted, I could not give her the answer she expected after we had brought each other to ecstasy so quickly just by me being inside of her. I couldn't keep my promise. Though I chose to hold her in my arms, to love every part of who she is, to love every part of her body I could not say yes.  
'Maya, I love you, I know now that is never going to end. I can't switch from being your lover to being your brother like I thought I could,' I confessed.  
'So that's okay isn't it? We can just go back to being together again,' she reasoned.  
'No,' I said. 'That's not it. I can't let you risk yourself like this for me.'  
'But you said, I could chose how I want to live, and I want to live my life with you.'  
'I know, I shouldn't have promised that. I was hoping you wouldn't want me anymore. I love you, I always will. And in these next 3 weeks we can live together as if we are a couple, like we dreamed of. We can be together as much as we want - the children won't see us, nobody will. We can do everything together like we dreamed about. But when we get home we will have to be separate. But not like before. Let's not hurt each other anymore.'  
'You have changed the rules like you always do. I know why you do it,' she retorted.  
'Why?'  
'Because for one month in our lives I was 16 and you were an adult. You think I may not have chosen this if I had been older.'  
'That's partly it,' I agreed.  
'But every day I choose you.'  
'That's because our love is like a drug.' I argued. 'You need it but it damages you. Can't you see?'  
'No our love heals us,' she stated, like it was undeniable.  
'No, any love can heal.' I countered.  
'We both know that's not true , or at least it's too difficult to find.'  
'Which is why I need to give you space to find it.'  
'And what about you?'  
'Don't worry about me. I don't want anyone. I will wait for you to find someone, to be secure with Tyrese perhaps.'  
'You would give up what we have, for what?' she asked.  
'Yes,' I replied, 'so that you could be free. But don't hate me Maya. Please don't hate me. I didn't mean to deceive you. Can we just pretend these three weeks are ours? It will be our way of saying goodbye to that part of us. We can look back and know for sure, this is when it ended. But we will have some happy memories. It won't all be about stolen kisses and secrets anymore.' Maybe I was asking too much of her. I was rejecting her and asking her to be with me completely in the same breath.  
'It will never end for me, Lochie Whitely,' she answered. 'But if all you have to give me is 3 weeks with you I will take it.'


	13. Maya

I think I knew when Lochie said he would come to Australia after all that this would happen. Because I knew if he did make the journey I would try to make it so. I cried at the airport when I said goodbye to Tyrese because I knew he was a good man. I think he may even love me. But I don't love him. I have always known the only man I could ever love properly is Lochie. I played his game because he asked me to. But he said I could choose at the end of it. And when we came to the end I knew I chose Lochie. 

I wasn't surprised when he changed his terms again. I think he is always going to do that so I keep having to affirm that I need him, love him, have to be with him. I don't think he even realises he is doing it. I think he simply has a default setting that makes him want to protect me, so three weeks living openly together, I will take. And then when we are home I will make him come back to me too again. I'm not going to let him hurt me like he did the night we went to the club. I don't even argue, I'm not going to waste this precious time. I will take what he offers, and then I will take more.  
We were going to travel all over the eastern coast, see the Great Barrier Reef and then get to Uluru as well. We knew we were unlikely to get the chance again. But after we started making love to each other again, nothing else mattered. We got so far as Port Macquarie and stayed in a cabin for days. It was as if everything was new again for us. It didn't matter than so many men had touched me since the last time Lochie had me - taking me from behind off Caledonian road. Those men, may have touched every part of me with their hands, lips, tongues and thrusted their cocks deep inside me many times. But I hadn't really been there, not even with Tyrese. They had my body, but not me. But Lochie had me completely. We made love to each other as if we were making up for lost time. Just feeling his hands around my waist excited me. Watching him sleep next to me brought me untold joy. Who could say love like this is wrong? We did go for walks sometimes, and we held hands and kissed in public like we have dreamed of doing. We saw pelicans koalas and kookaburras. I hadn't guessed how common they were. We ate in small boutique cafés. and folksy pizzerias. One Sunday morning as we walked around a craft market Lochie bought me a silver ring and slipped it on my ring finger.  
'Just for this holiday ok, like we agreed,' he said. I was really surprised he made that gesture. Didn't he think I might get used to it? That I wouldn't want to ever leave. I really feel he doesn't believe what he says. I think he needs me as much as I need him.

After a week at Port Macquarie we decide we will head up the coast and take a greyhound bus past Brisbane to Fraser Island. It warm there and we walk along the sand, in the rainforest and the mangroves and we saw wallabies and dingoes. We took a boat trip and see humpback whales and dolphins. I can't believe I am really here with Lochie. We spend nearly all the rest of our money on our hotel. It's quite smart, with a canopied bed and a view of the sea. We don't have enough money left to eat in the restaraunt, so we just get snacks from the cafés. But really we aren't that bothered about food. When we chat with other people we tell them we are on our honeymoon and everyone is happy for us. Doesn't Lochie know that this is a dangerous game to confuse our emotions like this. Lochie treats me like I am a goddess and when we aren't outside we spend all our time naked in bed together. We haven't talked about home in England or the future since we left Sydney. We wonder how Willa and Tiffin are getting on and phoned them, and Kit, when we were in Port Macquarie but here on Fraser Iskand it's just been about us. Sex has been so good. My body just knows how to react to Lochie's. Even just kissing him is better than with anyone else. I know it's not just because we have taken time over the years to know how our bodies find that intimate ecstasy, it really is to do with love. I wish Lochie could see that as a sign we must be together, but he can't. It's as if he thinks he has no right to happiness, and I don't know what to do. All too soon our honeymoon is over and we have to return to Sydney.

When we are on the Sydney ferry to Manly, back to a Dad's house, we lean over the edge of the boat as it pulls away from the harbour, looking at the bridge and the opera house, it's such a beautiful view. Lochie kisses me.  
'Can I take a photo of us?' I ask.  
'Yes,' he says. And to my surprise when I am lining up the shot he turns and kisses me again.Startled, I lean back a little, but still he reaches my lips. We are very careful when we take photos and make videos of ourselves. Videos we delete the same night or at least the morning after. Photos we are usually just careful that we seem like brother and sister. But this is one of us sharing a kiss. Lochie takes a look at it.  
'Thats okay, you can keep that one, you look beautiful.'  
I take a look at it too. Doesn't he see what I see? I see a man kissing a woman he loves very much. I see it. And I see they are both happy. His eyes are happy I know they are, the corner of his mouth is curled up like he's teasing me. I love it. How can he tell me one thing, that it has to be over, when his face, his body, tell me something else? One day I will be able to put this photo in a frame on the wall, I know I will. But not yet.

'We can always remember this, Maya,' he tells me.  
I nod. Lochie eyes fill with tears like mine, but only I let them fall. He takes my left hand in his and gently takes the ring off my finger. He raises his hand to throw it in the water, but I reach out to him.  
'Please don't Lochie, let me keep it,' I beg.  
He hesitates.  
'Please Lochie.'  
'No, we promised each other, just these three weeks,' and he drops the ring into the water. I guess that's why he bought it for me. So he could take it away. I watch it fall as the ferry moves on. I'm not angry with him, just melancholy. I knew he would stick to his plan, and I will let him do that for now. But when we get home I will finish with Tyrese and then he will come back to me. He lets me hold onto his arm like a brother and sister might, but there are no more kisses. When the ferry stops we disembark and see Wiila, Tiffin and Dad waiting for us.


	14. Lochan

At the end of our trip, we returned to Manly. Tiffin and Willa had had a good time as far as I could tell. Ian - I don't call him Dad - took us aside later and said he would like to see the kids again. He would come to England maybe at Christmas, and they could visit - maybe on their own next year. I warned him not to go making promises and that he had to respect their decisions. I told him I was their guardian and I would listen to what they wanted too. Ian seemed to respect this. He doesn't seem a very forceful man. I can't see him as a father at all, he seems too self absorbed and immature in a way. But I can see that he has a spontaneity and sense of humour that has kept the children amused in the context of this holiday. I just don't think - I know -he's no good at real life. But though I want to protect the children as much as I can, it's not my place even after all these years to stop them from connecting with their natural father, even though it clashes with the role I have given myself.

Maya has been very good. I tried to give her all my love while we travelled along the coast, and she accepted it. I thought by having such an intense time together we could store it all up and remember it for what it was. But now it is over Maya is happy and friendly with me but she doesn't try to steal a kiss when we have moments alone. She respects that we have to try to be brother and sister again. I'm not naive though, I know when we are back in England she will try to break up with Tyrese and resume our semblance of a relationship. But I can't let that happen. I also know how weak I am when it comes to Maya. So now with a day or two in Manly before we leave I get in touch with my prospective employers. I hadn't told Maya the reason why I chose the travel department - I have applied for their programme that involves living abroad for 6 months, and I have chosen the Sydney office and have been accepted. It starts in September but I ask Ian if I can stay with him till then, and perhaps after and he agrees. So that night when the children are in bed I take Maya for a walk along the sandy shore. We hold hands, I think that's ok?

'Maya, I won't be coming back to a England for a bit,' I tell her.  
She looks at me but doesn't speak.  
'I have a placement here for 6 months.'  
'No Lochie, you don't mean that...' Her voice has begun to quiver.  
'Yes, it's sorted.'  
'You planned this didn't you?'  
'Yes,' I agreed.  
'Why did you ever come back to me?' she cried.  
'I can't help it. That's the problem,' I confessed.  
'It's not a problem - you make it a problem.'  
'It's not me it's the world we live in. We can't change that...'  
'But we can change our place in it Lochie...'  
'No, I can't help feeling it's wrong.'  
'You don't act like its wrong when you make love to me.' That was certainly true.  
'I know...'  
'You act like it's right and it's good.'  
'I'm sorry.'  
'God, don't be sorry. Be a man and accept it. Accept that's who we are!'  
She kisses me and I do accept it. My hands are all over her and if it wasn't that houses bordered the beach and people were walking along the path behind us I know I would have made love to her on the sand again. That's how much I need her. That's how weak I am.  
I pull away.  
'You have to let me do this. I will talk to Kit. His job starts in Seotember, but he can help with the kids. I will send you money so you can sort out any after school care you need, anything, but you must keep up your studies and try to make it work with Tyrese. Then you will have a partner who loves you properly, your own children one day and you will still have me as your brother. If I stay here, you have a chance for all of that.'  
'Will you ever come back?'  
'Yes I promise. I will come back for the chikdren, I wish I didn't have to stay here. Please believe me. You must make them understand after 6 months I will be back. I don't want them to think someone else is leaving them.'  
'No, you can do that. They need to hear it from you,' she demanded.  
She was right.  
'Okay but when I am not there you have to remind them I will be back.'  
'I can't tell them that if I don't believe it.'  
I took her hands in mine and looked her in the eyes  
'Believe it.'  
She looked away.  
'Believe it Maya, I think 6 months apart is all we will need to be normal again.'  
She turned back to me.  
'That's what is different between us. I have never felt dirty or seedy when I am with you. The only time I felt anything like that is when you pushed me into grubby relationships with men I didn't even want.'  
'Maya, it was your choice to have those one night stands..'  
'No it wasn't. You keep saying you want me to have the freedom to make my own choices but you don't accept I have. I think you'd be happier if I said I choose to be a prostitute than if I say I choose you.'  
'Don't be ridiculous.'  
'You know Lochie, the way you play with my feelings I honestly believe the only one who is ridiculous is you.'  
'Maya...'  
'It's true. We both know between ourselves what our love is. Don't you feel it is good? Don't you feel, until we let in the rest of the world, it is natural for us?' she argued.  
'If I didn't have to think about the rest of the world, I would say our love is perfect, but...'  
'Stop it Lochie, I can't argue with you. Can't you see how you keep me hanging on? It won't matter if you are gone 6 months or 6 years or longer for that matter. It won't matter where you are in the world. It's perfect, so you want to throw it away. Well I can't.'  
'Maya..'  
'Don't speak to me.. You'll just say you love me, you don't love me and then you'll want to fuck me.'  
'God, is that what you think of me?'  
'No Lochie, I don't. I know you are hurting. You are so sensitive and thoughtful, that's one thing I love about you. But you won't let me in. It's been hard for me Lochie, really hard.'  
'Maya...'  
'No Lochie. Are you going to come with us to the airport tomorrow?'  
'Of course.'  
'Well I will see you then, I'm going for a walk now, on my own.'  
I let her go.


	15. Lochan

It was hard saying goodbye to the kids, but I think they understood I'd be back. I think having their dad return to their lives may have shown them that he hadn't disappeared so encouraged them to think I would come back. Besides I hoped my word would count, to them at least. I think I was going to have a harder conversation with Kit. Maya behaved normally with me in front of the children, but she wouldn't even let me kiss her goodbye on the cheek.  
'We will stay in touch, okay?' I asked her.  
'No Lochie. If you want distance you have got it. I'm not being petulant, but you will have to just keep up to date with everything via Kit. That's my rule,' explained Maya.  
'Okay,' I agreed.  
Then they checked in their luggage and I watched as my family walked away.

I didn't hang out with Ian much, I just used him as somewhere to board. He was writing a book and didn't seem to mind. I phoned Kit the day Maya and the kids boarded the plane. I could hear sadness in his voice, but I made out it was a career move more than anything. He has been party to too much of the ups and downs of my relationship with Maya.  
It was he I spoke with when I wanted to hear that the kids got back safely and in the coming couple of weeks, true to her word Maya was not speaking with me. I don't think Kit realised it at first for he talked freely about what Maya was doing, such as on a date with Tyrese. I'm not sure if Maya would want me to know that. On the other hand, perhaps she did.

I had a few weeks before my job started so got entrenched with the Sydney scene. I guess I was still playing games, trying to invent a new me, because I just couldn't work out the present, let alone the future, without Maya in my life. I took advantage of that time to go on a few dates with women I met around the city. I know I told Maya I didn't need anyone, and it was true emotionally the only person I wanted was Maya. I was in love with her, of course she was the only one I wanted. But I felt so alone in this place sex was the only comfort I could find, and I just needed it. I brought some women back with me, Ian didn't seem to mind. Before, with Kyla, I'd chosen someone who reminded me, if only slightly, of Maya. Now I chose women who were nothing like Maya at all. Lili worked in one of the cafés on Bondi Beach, she was originally from Korea, but had lived in Sydney for about 7 years. I liked her, she was fun, but she was too much of a social butterfly and to be honest I think she found me too introspective, too dull. Dawn was a punk tattooed surfer, very outgoing and had a string of lovers but made time for me occasionally. So all in all they were fairly pleasant distractions. I had sex with both of them, and some more whose names I don't remember, which satisfied that physical need, that's all. But soon I felt I was being unfaithful to Maya again, which was stupid. She wasn't mine anymore. And I have to admit, I was trying to catch up with the number of lovers Maya had had because I still felt angry that she had taken other men inside her, even though I told her to do it. When I felt like that I wondered if 6 months would be enough for me... I feared I was always going to be jealous because I was always going to love her. Normal? I don't know what that is. Blissfully happy? Yes, I've known that. 

So basically, I didn't feel lonely when I was on my own, it was when I was with other people that being without Maya really hurt. Having sex with Lili and Dawn and all the others just reminded me of the love I had given up with Maya. I felt completely lost and without direction now Maya was not in my life. I knew for her own sake I had to do this, but without her love and the children to care for I couldn't see that I was going to be a better man. I found myself becoming quite cynical, not one of my usual faults and I didn't like the new me. My only consolation was that having treated Maya so badly at least she would be free of me, I was sure of that, whatever she said. It was I who was going to struggle without her. She understood my moods, my sense of humour, my hopes, my fears, my body. And I knew she loved me intensely, and I her, so I had to let her go. She was right, that was quite fucked up, but that's how it is.

When work really got underway I had less time to date, to be honest I quickly grew disinterested. The office was quite a fun environment, but I don't know if that's really me. I began to miss the chaos of home life and routine that had been such a big part of my life. I think I was annoying Kit with my daily phone calls, especially when I got the time difference wrong. I think he now realised that Maya wasn't speaking with me. Sometimes I would ask him to put her on the phone when I heard her in the background, but he'd say, 'sorry mate she won't talk with you." Then as the weeks went on and I would ask him what Tiffin and Willa were doing, he'd tell me. So I would slip in, 'and how's Maya?' but he'd say, 'sorry she has asked me not to talk to you about her'. I think she knew how I would miss her voice nearly as much as everything else.  
So I slipped back into the routine I knew best. I stopped dating, worked hard, came back to Ian's in the evening and worked in his garden at weekends. He said he needed to replace the decking, so I did it. He said he wanted to fix the treehouse for when his other family came to stay - he has two kids I have yet to meet - so I rebuilt it from scratch. I even took his dog for it's walks. I was counting the days till I got home so much I should have been marking notches on a stick like Robinson Crusoe.

It couldn't have been much more than two months since Maya returned home that I got a call through on my mobile from home. I thought it was Kit, but it was Maya.  
'Hello Lochie,' she said as if we had been in contact all this time.  
'Maya, it's lovely to hear you. It's so good to hear your voice.' Calm down, Lochie I said to myself...'Is everything okay?'  
'Yes the kids are good, they miss you but I do tell them you will be back.'  
'Thank you. I miss them too.' I told her. And I miss you, God I miss you. I didn't tell her that.  
There was a pause.  
So I filled it with 'Are you ok? You still with Tyrese?'  
'Yes I still see Tyrese. He says hello.'  
'Oh yeah, tell him Hi.' That was a bit empty after what Maya and I had done in the summer.  
Another pause  
'Lochie..'  
'Yes?'  
'Lochie I wanted you to know.. Before Kit works it out...'  
'Yes?'  
'I wanted you to know I'm pregnant. I'm going to have a baby.'  
'Oh..gosh...' I tried to cover my surprise.  
'That's good, that's great I think...?' I knew Maya wanted to be a mother so my plan had worked, even she would see that now. Now she could have a family with Tyrese.  
'Yes,' she said, 'it's good. You know it's what I wanted. I'm keeping the baby.'  
'Yes Maya, I think that's good. You will be a wonderful mother. I'm happy for you,' It was true, I was. But I suddenly felt desperately alone, knowing for sure she really wasn't mine anymore. Half the world away was just a distance. This was a void. 'Is Tyrese ok with it?' I added, now wasn't the time to be thinking about me.  
'I don't know...'  
'You haven't told him yet?'  
'No.'  
'Okay, it will be a surprise I guess. It's a bit soon, but he's a decent guy.'  
'Yes.'  
'I'm sorry I can't be there...'  
'Yes.'  
'You'll tell him soon?'  
'No.'  
'No? Why not?' I asked.  
'He's not the father...'  
'Maya, I thought you were just with Tyrese. Are you sure it's not his?' I know that sounded patronising.  
'Yes.'  
'How can you know?'  
'I know. We still use condoms, it's not his.'  
I think I knew where this was going.  
'So do you know who the father is?' The tone of my voice became anxious.  
'Yes.' Her voice remained steady.  
'Are you going to tell me?'  
'Yes Lochie,'  
'And....?'  
'Lochie,...'  
'Yes?'  
'it's you.'  
'Oh fuck Maya!' was my only response.  
The phone went dead.


	16. Maya

I didn't really plan it, but I wanted it. I had come off the pill the day after our argument in the club. I simply forgot for a few days, then I didn't see the point, if I couldn't have Lochie. Then when I started sleeping around I had to use condoms any way. When I started dating Tyrese we said we didn't need to be exclusive though I was and I think Tyrese was too, he just didn't want to seem too serious at first. Then with the excitement of going to Australia I just hadn't got round to ordering any more pills. But even when Lochie made love to me on the beach, when I let him come inside me I thought this is okay I can get something over the counter in the morning. It was only when he said we could just pretend for three weeks, I thought 'yes I'm going to pretend too.' But I guess there are consequences even when you play games. It's not that I wanted to force Lochie to come back to me, if our love, in all it's wonderful glory can't do that, nothing will. It's just I wanted part of him with me. And I thought that if I could show him we could have a healthy child then he wouldn't think our love was unnatural any more. I hadn't read up about it recently but I did a few years ago and if you can trust the internet a baby born to a brother and sister could have anything between 1% to 60% chance of having a defect. But we are a healthy family - strong hearts, lungs, eyes, ears so I thought if anyone would be ok, we would. So I was happy. I knew Lochie wouldn't be but it was too late now.

I told Tyrese we had to end it. I said my family came first and with Lochie staying in Australia I couldn't commit. He was genuinely upset, and said we could work around it, he would even help out if he could. He told me how his sister had shut down her life to care for him and his brother, and they were older than my siblings, and he didn't want that for me. So in the end I said to look me up in 6 months if he wanted to but I didn't mean it. I thought by then I could disguise my baby bump and make it so the baby was conceived in England, and that would be enough to make him put me out of his mind. And if he was interested to know if the baby was his, well the colour of its skin would be proof that it wasn't. 

I told Kit and he wasn't happy. I guess I had crossed the line. When he was a boy he believed having deformed children was one reason what Lochie and I did together was unnatural. But I think he felt better knowing Lochie wasn't to blame, well Lochie didn't chose this. I told him it was an accident and I didn't want to get rid of the baby. Luckily perhaps, Kit respected my choice. Plus I think he thought it might ensure that Lochie came home too.

I wasn't sure how long I could keep it from Lochie. Maybe if I could have talked to more people about it I could have lasted longer. But I couldn't face telling my friends and have to go through inventing a fake holiday romance right away. So I made the call when I was just around 2 months pregnant. I knew he would be disappointed. I thought he would be sad, worried, want to comfort me, tell me he loved me, tell me that it would be okay. But I admitted too quickly that I was happy about it, that without discussion I was not only pregnant but I was keeping the baby. Even so I didn't think he would say 'Oh fuck' when I told him. He sounded so frightened I just cut off the phone. I saw he tried to ring immediately but I didn't answer. Again and again. Then he tried to ring the home phone, but no one else was in and I slammed that down too and disconnected it at the wall plug so it wouldn't ring. I didn't think he would ring Kit right away. I wanted him to calm down, to think about what he was going to say. It was early days so I realised he would try to talk me into having an abortion and I didn't want to listen.

So I avoided talking to him and when I talked to Kit I asked him not to give me the phone. Kit could talk to me or Lochie if he wanted, I could see he might want to do that but I could not talk to him. I was feeling fine - I guess morning sickness comes later, and I went to college like normal and looked after Tiffin and Willa, making the most of the last few good weekends of autumn by playing in the park and just thinking ahead about practical things like how I would have to change the house round because it wasn't very baby friendly. I didn't really think about any problems. My life has been full of problems but I have been able to overcome them. Maybe that's a bit naive.


	17. Lochan

I know that wasn't the right response when your lover tells you from the other side of the world that she is pregnant, but given the fact of our circumstances maybe I can be forgiven. I tried to phone immediately and throughout the next few days but Maya didn't pick up and she must have done something to the home phone too. I sent her a text but I got no reply, so I sent another to tell her I was going to phone Kit. I was getting worried, so I thought I'd warn her that I was going to talk to Kit so she had a choice to prepare him or not.

Kit spoke with me a few days later. He was angry with me and Maya. At first I was defensive. 'Look Kit, I agree with you, this shouldn't be happening.'  
'It's a bit late now isn't it?'  
'No it's not too late, you have to let me talk with her,' I demanded  
'I can't make her do anything and neither can you, to be honest. Not about this.'  
'But you know it's not my fault...' I volunteered, like a coward.  
'I thought it takes two?'  
'Yes, but I didn't know. You know, I think she did this on purpose to keep us together,' I tried to explain.  
'Well she says it was an accident. Besides if you are fucking her you are together aren't you?'  
'It's not so simple....'  
'Look, I have had to grow up with this. And the only way I can get my head round it is if I do see it as being simple. If you love her, now you have come this far you should be together.,' he said plainly.  
'But there are so many problems....'  
'The only problems I have seen are the ones you have made. You really messed her up when you told her to sleep around,' said Kit.  
"I didn't actually tell her to do that...'  
'I think you did Lochie, at least you should have known that would happen.' Yes I should have. My brother was talking a lot of sense.  
'And how could you set her up with Tyrese and then ...' He didn't finish his sentence.  
'Yes that was a mistake...'  
'Just once?'  
'No..'  
'Lochie, what did you do?'  
'Well, we went away for three weeks together..'  
'Lochie, that's a bit shady to do that to her after everything. I think you should come back.'  
'No, that's what she wants.'  
'I think it's a bit late to start quibbling. Come back, mate.'  
'No I can't...' Why? Why couldn't I go back home. What did I want? What did I really feel?  
'Look, she doesn't want you to know this but she was...'  
'What?'  
'She was heartbroken when she came back without you I didn't like it. She was crying, she couldn't concentrate. She wouldn't hardly eat or anything. She couldn't hide it from the kids.'  
"I'm sorry I didn't know.'  
'She didn't want you to know. See, I don't think she did it to get you back. But I think you should come back home. She needs you to help her through this.'  
'No, I told her, no I can't.' To be honest I didn't know what to do.  
'Well maybe you aren't the man I thought you were,' said Kit and I could hear his disappointment. 'I'm sorry I have got to go. You can call Maya if you change your mind.'  
'Kit?'  
'No Lochie. You convinced me what you were doing was okay because you loved each other. But the way you have been treating her this past year it's not love at all.' My brother had grown up. How come he could see things so clearly?  
'Kit...'  
'Look do you remember that day I brought mum back?' he asked.  
'Of course I do.'  
'I was a spoilt brat. I could have ruined our lives.' Yes that had been a very difficult time for all of us.  
'You were just a boy...'  
'Yes I was. Do you remember what you called me?'  
'Yes I'm sorry. I never talked to you like that again did I?'  
'No you didn't. But I deserved it then. So Lochie understand what I mean, the way you treat Maya, that's you now.'

He finished the call. Every word he said was right. I'd messed Maya around to assuage me of my own guilt. I couldn't accept that she had chosen to be with me freely so I had manipulated her to have sex with men whom she hardly knew. Then just when she perhaps had the chance of a relationship with someone else I whisked her away on a emotional fantasy trip of brazen sexual fulfilment. Then I had dropped her again. Oh, and I had got her pregnant too. I really was a shit like Kit had implied. Yet being with Maya was the closest to magic, the closest I had got to perfection in anything in my life. God, I hoped I was not too late. I called Maya and Kit but over the next few days neither of them picked up. I didn't know what to do. If I could just talk to her, if I knew she wanted me, or needed me, but she wouldn't talk to me. To leave my placement would mean leaving my job, as saying my sister was pregnant was hardly an emergency, but as the days progressed with no contact I felt I had no alternative but had to go back home. But within two weeks anyway I got a call from Kit:  
"Lochie you best come home. I'm serious. Maya is in hospital.'


	18. Maya

I had been feeling okay I think. I hadn't been to the doctor's but I knew I would have to eventually. I didn't know what would happen. They wouldn't need to do blood tests if the baby was healthy. But what if there was something wrong with it? If I said the father was unknown would they be able to tell we were in fact related? I was pinning all my hopes on the fact that the baby would be well. What had I done? I wanted the baby so I could have something of Lochie but maybe it just meant I would lose him forever. 

It was Saturday, the ground was wet with dew, there had been a mist in the morning. Willa and I were just going to have a run, she had been picked for the cross country team and wanted to do better than last year. A wood skirts the park so we were going to cover both types of terrain. I knew enough about running to know I should make Willa vary her pace to improve her stamina. I have watched enough of Tiffin and Kit in these types of races to know that kids get burnt out by starting off far to quickly so I was going to teach Willa to pace herself too. We did some warm up exercises and started a slow jog for a few minutes. I had to tell Willa to slow down. Then we sped up for a few minutes, slowed down for the next 10 -12 minutes before running at a steady pace. Willa I could see was really quite strong and we managed about 30 minutes before heading home. 

I got cramping pains a few hours later. I thought it was probably due to running for the first time in months so went to bed with a hot water bottle which is what I used to do when I got period pain in my teens. I couldn't do dinner but Tiff did it as Kit was out. I felt better after a nap and there wasn't any bleeding so I thought if I rested I would be ok. But in the night I woke up because I could feel wetness between my legs and I knew what that meant. I cried as I cleaned myself up and went back to bed. There was more blood by morning, and I asked Tiff if Kit was home but he wasn't. I still had cramps and there were quite a few clots of blood so I took a bath. The water ended up quite red. I knew it was an early miscarriage and in a way I hadn't got attached to the baby yet, but when I got out of the bath I couldn't stop crying. It wasn't just that I'd lost this baby but that I knew I'd never have a baby with Lochie at all. He probably hated me now for deceiving him. If only I had waited a few more weeks he would never have known. And of course though I knew there's a huge percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage he would say it was nature's way of getting rid of something abnormal we created, and that meant our love was abnormal too. I hated Lochie for not being here with me, yet I loved him too. I wish I hadn't been with all those other men. I wish I had just been with Lochie. How stupid to be thinking of that now.

Kit came home and knocked on the bathroom door. He saw me sitting on the floor sobbing. There were enough blood stains on the towel for him to work out what was wrong, and he helped me get to bed. He wanted to call a doctor right away but I said no, there's no need. I wasn't cramping anymore and I just didn't want anyone to know. He said he was going to phone Lochie but I said no, I'd do it, but I had no intention of doing so, not after the way our last conversation ended. So I went to bed. I couldn't go into college the next day, so Kit stayed at home with me because the cramping came back, and I was still bleeding. The next day was the same, but I told Kit to go to work. On the next day the pain was more like a numbness spreading over my insides and I convinced myself that was better, but the day after the cramping came back more severely as if my body was trying to expunge itself of something horrible. I didn't want to tell Kit because he would take me to the doctor. But the next day the cramping was so bad that the pain spread down my legs so I couldn't help but cry. Kit didn't ask, he just called a taxi, left Tiff in charge of Willa and took me to hospital. I could see he was worried, but I thought what's the worst that could happen? Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I can never have children - but that didn't bother me. If I couldn't have a child with the man I love then I don't want one anyway. After I had seen one of the doctors, Kit said he had phoned Lochie to tell him I was in hospital, and he was annoyed that I hadn't told him I had miscarried.   
'He's coming Maya,' he said. 'He asked me to tell you everything will be all right, and he wants you to know he loves you.' I just started to cry again.


	19. Lochan

God, long haul flights are painful. The best one I could get involved a long stop in Hong Kong. But I was lucky to get that. Every minute dragged on and on. What with the time differences and phone service limitations I had no further information about Maya until I reached Heathrow when lots of messages beeped through. I wasn't sure if they were in the right order. 'She's ok' 'She's seeing a specialist' 'We are still here' 'Having an ultrasound.' I should have been there. It took a couple of hours to go through customs and reach the hospital via a taxi. Ian had paid for my flight and given me some emergency cash. Money makes things easier doesn't it? I told him what had happened to Maya, and that Kit couldn't look after the children on his own. Of course, it wouldn't cross his mind that the baby had been mine.   
Thankfully I arrived at the hospital at 6pm which was still visiting hours. I took about 20 minutes to reach the right department going up and down the same lift and misreading the colour coded stripes which are meant to guide you the right way. Eventually I found Maya, she was in bed, and though she looked drained she was sitting up laughing with Kit.  
'Kit, thank you. Thank you for doing my job for me'" I said as I approached, flustered.  
'No problem,' he replied rising from his chair.  
'I mean it, not just for looking after Maya but thank you for what you said to me.'  
'It's ok. I'm glad I said the right thing. She's all right by the way.' He then turned to Maya and kissed her on the cheek 'Love you' he said to her. She smiled at him and held his hand. 'Thank you Kit, for everything,' and she put her cheek next to his and hugged him.  
'I'll see you at home,' he said to me, ' I don't like leaving Tiff in charge too long,' and off he went.  
'I know what you're thinking, he's just like you when you were 18 isn't he?' said Maya to me, but her eyes quickly looked away.  
That had crossed my mind. He looked like me, though a bit bulkier, he was naturally strong and did a lot of heavy work in the machine shop. I didn't bulk up till uni. But yes, I liked to see him looking after Maya and going home to look after the kids. But I also saw the way he looked at Maya, even when he kissed her and told her he loved her, it was different to me. They were brother and sister. We were not. 

I pulled a white curtain halfway round Maya's bed to give us some privacy. I took her hand in mind to judge how she would receive me. She took my hand to her lips and our eyes met too.Looking at her, looking at me I didn't know why I had ever tried to keep us apart. We are meant to be together. I am right, everyone else is wrong. I couldn't believe she was so forgiving. She was so easy to love. I leant in and kissed her on the lips.  
'How are you?' I asked   
'I'm okay. They just needed to do some routine tests.'  
'And the baby?'  
'No,' she said shaking her head, and she bit her lip to stop her from letting the tears flow.  
'It's ok Maya, everything will be better now that we are together again.' Maya looked up at me as if she didn't believe what she had heard. But before she could speak a nurse came in and drew the other side of the curtain closed around her.   
'That's exactly what she needs to hear,' said the nurse. 'Miscarriages are very common, it's nothing to worry about. It was nothing to do with running..no reason you can't have another baby..You must be...'  
I didn't know what to say. It was obvious I was the father of the baby but had Maya given a name? Would she notice I was almost the spitting image of my brother, who had just left? I just covered as best I could ' I'm Maya's partner ' I said 'Thank you for looking after her.'  
'Wonderful. Not at all. We just had to run some tests because of the bleeding but she is fine. I can get the paperwork ready so you can go home. I will just take her temperature.' That job done, she left and I was left alone with Maya again.  
'Are we together Lochie?'  
'Yes, if you'll have me.'  
'You know that's what I want. I never changed. Please no more games. I just want you.'  
I could see she was wearing the silver bangle I had given her five years ago. 'Love you always' it said...love you always. I felt disgusted with myself that I had not had the strength to defend my love for her. She had been constant. I should have stopped her the first time she brought someone home. She wanted me to stop her. I had been worse than a pimp. Yet she had the strength not only to love me but to love our baby too.  
'I don't know why I have been so stupid this past year. I'm so sorry for the things I've done, the things I have made you do. I don't deserve you.'  
'Please don't say that, just tell me you love me. Say you forgive me' she murmured, looking down.  
'I love you, Maya, I love you.' I kissed her lightly. 'Forgive you, for what?'  
'The baby. I wanted it.'  
'There's nothing to forgive you for. We made the baby together. I loved making it with you.i know what I said at first was wrong It's me that needs forgiveness, for what I have said and done. Can we start again?'  
'We already have, haven't we?' she replied. I knew that just like that she had forgiven me, because that's who she is. No blame, no recriminations. She was the sweetest, kindest, most beautiful woman in the world.  
The nurse came back and said we could go. Maya said they had just kept an eye on her because the bleeding had lasted too long but she was okay. Then there was a mark on her records because I was the carer of the family so they just had to do a check but it was fine because she was an adult herself, it was just a historical formality, they asked about the children but it wasn't invasive.  
We got a taxi home and we went in the living room first. Kit said he would join us in a bit to watch a movie. So I knew I had just a few minutes to say what I needed to say. Maya sat on the sofa and I sat on the floor in front of her.  
'I bought us something before I left Sydney,' I told her. I produced a small blue box. 'It's nothing expensive like you deserve but I didn't want to draw attention to it.'  
I opened the box to show her two simple silver bands one was smooth and one was engraved with leaves. They didn't match in pattern or texture, which was deliberate.   
Inside the plain one it said 'Maya' and in the other 'Lochan'. 'Would you wear this ring for me? I know you liked the other one.' I asked.  
'Yes Lochie,' she smiled. I slipped it onto her ring finger.  
'And I have one too." She slipped it on mine.  
'Are you going to wear that every day?' she asked.  
'Yes.'  
'Aren't you afraid of questions?'  
'No. I don't think people will really care. I'm a keep to myself person anyway.' I explained.'And it will be okay for you, won't it, because you wear all sorts of rings?'  
'Yes it's fine for me, I love it. But tell me, what does it mean?"  
'It means you are all I ever wanted, all I will ever need. I wish I could marry you so that you knew I would never push us apart again, but I can't so these rings are my promise that I will be good to you.'  
'Yes I like that. That's all I want too.'  
'But Maya, please if ever I do anything stupid again...just remind me it's okay to love you like this, it's okay to be so happy.'  
'I'll make you believe it Lochie. This is what love should feel like. I know it. You just aren't used to thinking about yourself. You have to realise I gave myself to you freely long ago, so if you want me too that's all that matters. Nothing else.'  
'Come here,' I beckoned. I sat on the sofa next to her. I pulled her onto my lap and she sat astride me, I was hardening against her as she kissed me.

Just then Kit came in. 'Cup of tea anyone?' he asked, putting down two mugs in front of us.  
'Sorry Kit,' said Maya.'I'm just so pleased to have him back.'  
'I can see that. I'm glad. But you're not in Oz now, Tiffin's just playing on the Xbox in his room, and Willa's not asleep,' he warned.  
Kit I could tell had stepped up while I was away.  
Maya stole one more kiss from me, then turned round so her head was leaning against Kit, her feet curled on the sofa next to me. They pretended to fight over some popcorn and Maya showed him her ring. Kit put his arm round her and glanced at me as if to say, don't hurt my sister again, like brothers are supposed to do. I put a Tom Cruise sci-fi movie on for them.  
'I'll be back in a bit,' I said, covering Maya with a blanket.

I went into the hall and took my rucksack upstairs to my old room. Tiffin was in the loft room now. Kit and I had changed things round a few years ago. I'd paid someone to fit a loft window and do the electrics and Kit and I had improved the insulation of the space with foam and taken out two slanting supports and replaced them with larger verticals, to make more space. The roof was still holding up, so that was something. Kit had moved downstairs - we had made the old coal bunker part of the house and double insulated that too, and we had run a radiator in there. As it was single brick it was still cold in the middle of winter, so sometimes Kit would sleep on the sofa. I'd offered to take the room and he have my box room before I stopped spending the night with Maya. He tried it out but said, as it was next to Maya's room, he couldn't sleep well. We always tried to be quiet but I guess in the middle of the night even murmured voices seem loud through thin walls. Luckily the other side of Maya's room is the bathroom, so nobody hears us there.

First I went to see Willa. She put her arms around me and showed me the scrapbook she was making of her trip to Australia. There were sweet wrappers, postcards, ferry tickets - all stuck inside in between photos and diaries she had written. There were quite a few pictures of her dad.  
'Did you like it in Australia?' I asked.  
'Yes, I loved it, but I thought it would be hotter.'  
'Would you like to go back there, in their summer?'  
'Yes, but then I'd miss Christmas here, wouldn't I?'  
'You could have Christmas there?'  
'But it wouldn't be the same. I like our Christmases.'  
Our Christmases had often seemed so poor to me. We had only had a real Christmas tree the last two years, as before then I couldn't justify spending £30 on something that would just last two weeks. So we made it a family ritual of getting the fake spruce out of its box and decorating it with home made decorations that were kept and added to year after year.  
We didn't have turkey for years for dinner either, but had chicken instead - after I wasted a huge one I'd saved up for and didn't cook it properly so it was cold inside..noone seemed to mind though as we had plenty of special treats and vegetables as Maya and I always went to Sainsbury and Asda at 3 o'clock on Christmas Eve to buy up the reduced food and would end up with more than we could eat. So we weren't too much like the Cratchits after all. Except that yes, we were happy like them.  
I hugged Willa and held her close to me, I don't know how I could have left the children for so long.  
'I missed you,' I told her.  
'I missed you too, but Maya said you would be back soon so it was ok.'  
'What do you think of Dad?'  
'He's okay. But he's not like a dad is he?'  
'I think he wants to try,' I replied.  
'Yes but he's not like you.'  
'What do you mean?'  
'Well he just wanted to make everything fun. It wasn't real,' she explained.  
'So I'm not fun?'  
'Yes your are, but I know I have to listen to you. I like it when you can take me to school and go to parents evening and things like that.'  
'Yes I like that too.'  
'Some people in my class think you are my dad.'  
'What do you tell them?'  
'I tell them you are my brother and my dad.'   
'Well I'm not that exactly...'  
'They know what I mean.'  
'Yes I know what you mean. You mean I set the rules and you listen to them?'  
'Yes sort of...'  
'Okay well it's time you went to bed. We can play something like monopoly tomorrow yes?'  
'Yes Lochie . I will be the dog. Is Maya okay now?'  
'Yes she's fine.'  
'Why was she in hospital, Kit wouldn't tell us.'  
'Oh it was just a stomach upset, she's fine.'  
'Oh good. I thought it was homesickness.'  
'Homesickness?'  
'Yes but the other way round. I thought she was sick for Australia.'  
'Well, she liked it I think, but this is home.'  
'Yes it wasn't Australia she was crying so much about, it was you.'  
'Me?'  
'Yes but Kit looked after her.'  
'Ok. That was good. It's okay to be sad when you miss someone you know. I missed all of you.'  
'Yes, but you missed Maya the most didn't you?'  
'Well, I think you miss people in different ways.'  
'What do you mean?'  
'Well you are my little sister and she's my....big sister. We have been best friends a long time.'  
'Yes I know,' she said with childish innocence.  
'Night then, Willa, in bed in 10 minutes. Okay?  
'Yes Lochie, Night' I hugged her once more and left her room.

Next I went to see Tiffin. He was in the middle of a Star Wars game and didn't stop when I entered his room, so I waited till he was killed by a battle droid and he cut me in for a two player game.  
'How have you been?' I enquired.  
'Good.'  
'And how's school?'  
'Good.'  
'Any new teachers?'  
'A few. I like the new art teacher.'  
'Who's that?'  
'Miss Richards.'  
'She a good teacher or is she pretty?'  
'Both,' he smirked.  
'Yes, I used to like the art teachers.' I replied.  
'Did you?'  
'Yes.' Most people do don't they?  
'Which ones?'  
'Is Miss James still there?'  
'No.'  
'Miss Kelmscott?'  
'Yes, she's Mrs Davies now.'  
'Well she was nice.'  
'Okay so you liked her?'  
'Yes I think all the boys did.'  
'Okay.'  
'You sound surprised.'  
'Well...'  
'Well what?'  
'It's nothing...'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Yes, it doesn't matter."  
'You can talk to me, you know,' I reassured him.  
'No, I feel stupid,' he admitted.  
'I think I know what you were going to say.'  
'You do?'  
'You think I'm gay?'  
'I did...'  
'Well I'm not, but would it matter if I was?'  
'No,'  
'Because you know it's okay to love anyone you like?'  
'Yes I know that.'  
'You just have to be a good person and hope they love you back.' I hope that covered my relationship with his sister. I wanted to tell him as much as I could without being direct about it.  
'Yes. I don't mind if you're gay.'  
'Good, I've brought you up properly then. You see, if I was gay and if I had a serious boyfriend I would have brought him home to meet you. But the girls I've been with, there's been no one I could introduce you to.' I didn't want to get too close to the truth.  
Tiffin smiled. 'But you don't bring anyone home. You've never had anyone you've been serious about?' He seemed concerned for me.  
'Well I lived at uni some of the time didn't i?'  
'Oh yes.'  
'And Maya hasn't brought many people home has she?'  
'No, not until recently. You didn't like it when she did, did you?'  
'No I suppose not. Because she wasn't serious about them, except Tyrese.' That was true.  
'Okay'  
'And Kit hasn't brought many people home has he?'  
'I know but you never brought anyone - you don't even talk about them.'  
'Well I guess I keep some things to myself. I've done okay Tiffin, don't worry about me. There are three adults in this house and you two kids. We just keep things separate, it's better that way.' I guess that could be seen as a lie, as I didn't keep my home and love life separate at all. But I didn't mean it that way - I meant there were some things children needed to know, and some things they didn't.  
'Yeah I know. How's Maya?'  
'She's good, she needs a rest.'  
'Was she pregnant?' he asked.  
'Who told you that?'  
'No one but she broke up with Tyrese.'  
'Well you can talk to her if you like. That may be best.'  
'She really missed you, you know.'  
'Yes Willa and Kit told me.' I didn't like to think of the pain I caused her.  
'So you are staying now?'  
'Yes my boss won't be pleased but I can get another job. You are what's important.'  
'I'm glad you are back, I like it being us 5,' he said sweetly. I knew it was difficult for a boy his age to express his feelings, but I think he is a sensitive boy really - not that he'd want me to say that.  
'You know that will change one day,' I reminded him.  
'Yes but not yet... What's with the ring?' he asked, I think he wanted to change the subject.  
'Oh that's just a souvenir, so I don't forget what Australia meant to me.' That was at least half of the truth, because being in Australia had shown me what normal life could be like with Maya, at least a heightened example of it.  
'So you liked it?'  
'Yes.'  
'Would you go back?' he asked.  
'Yes, but not on my own, only if we all could go...'  
'Yes, I'd love another holiday there.' He sounded excited.  
'I don't mean a holiday I mean to live there?'  
'Oh yeah, yeah! he said putting down his controller. 'Could we do that?'  
'It might take a few years but maybe we could. I will look at the education system if you like, see if it would be good.'  
'Yeah great!'  
'It's just an idea I had coming back on the plane...' I had just been wondering if Maya had been right, if we would be all right there, if we could make it work if we could live a normal life. But there were complications.  
'Yeah I know... Great!'  
'Okay Tiff, don't stay up too late. Well I'll see you tomorrow.'

I went downstairs. The movie was nearly finished. Maya was asleep, her head on Kit's lap.  
I sat down with them  
'How's things been Kit?'  
'Pretty awful really.. But okay now.' I knew I could count on Kit to tell me the truth.  
He put a hand protectively on his sister.  
'Don't worry Kit. We are okay. I've grown up,' I reassured him.  
'I think your problem is you've always been an adult, Lochie.'  
'Well maybe I just can accept who I am now. Maybe I'm even going to like who I am.'  
'Yes you should. You're ok. Most of the time.'  
'Thanks, Kit. You've turned out all right I guess.' I smiled at him. 'Don't you think you'll ever want to see dad?'  
'If I had the time I might. But who is he to me anyway? I just think he has got some free time and more money now so he looks us up. He isn't really thinking about us,' he explained.  
'Well maybe he wants to make things better..' I suggested.  
'You really think so?'  
'No, you're probably right.. ' We both laugh, Maya stirs.  
'You know what scares me is if hadn't been for you and Maya we probably would have all been in care.'  
'I don't know...' I didn't like to think about that.  
'It's true. We would have grown up without each other. I wouldn't have Maya asleep on my lap now. I'd be out on a street corner selling drugs or drunk in a squat somewhere.'  
'It might not have been that bad...'  
'It could have been worse... I want you to know that I will always remember what you did for us. If ever you need anything.... Anything at all, I will do whatever I can.'  
'Thank you Kit. I know what you mean.' I knew Kit was aware what discovery of my relationship with Maya would mean. I was sorry he had to carry that burden too.  
'It was awful with mum messing us around. I'm not surprised you and Maya turned out like you did."  
'Oh...'  
'Look I'm sorry, I didn't mean it as a bad thing. But it is different isn't it?'  
'Yes it is. I know there has to be laws against it to protect people but I just know we are okay. I'm not going to hate myself for it anymore. I feel inside it's right for me, because I know what love really is now." That's the best way I could explain it.  
'Yeah that's good. I guess it's like shoplifting.'  
'Oh yeah?' I couldn't see where this was going.  
'Yes, well, you shouldn't really punish people for snacking on the pic 'n' mix - that doesn't hurt anyone but if there's a gang stealing to order from M&S that's wrong.'  
'That's a really rubbish analogy Kit,' I laughed.  
'Yeah I know..but you know what I mean. I prefer it if I know you are serious about each other, it isn't wrong for you.'  
'I'm confused now, you want me to be serious, but I'm still snacking on the pic 'n' mix?' I teased.  
Kit threw a cushion at me and that combined with our laughter woke up Maya.  
'Did you like the movie?' I asked.  
'Yes, really good,' said Maya, still half asleep.  
'You saw 20 minutes,' said Kit.  
Maya went to hit him. But he caught her hand. 'Too slow! he laughed.  
Maya sat up and shoved him.  
'You want to go up now, Maya?' I asked  
'Yes I want to get out of these clothes.'  
I went with her to her room and turned to go to mine.  
'Lochie , where are you going?'  
'I thought you may want to be alone?'  
'I have been alone for months. I thought these rings meant something?'  
'They do.'  
'Well come on then.' She took me by the hand and lead me into her room


	20. Maya

I knew that something was missing from me when Lochie stayed in Sydney. I couldn't eat or sleep and was crying all the time at first. I couldn't help it. I just didn't see it coming, I hadn't dreamt he would leave the kids - or me - for so long. So I didn't even try to hide my tears from Willa and Tiifin. If it hadn't been for Kit, things would have fallen apart. It's been hard loving Lochie, not because of him really but because of his fears about the world judging us. But it's so much harder being with out him, some nights I was so lonely I thought I couldn't go on. I just kept looking at that picture of us on the ferry back from Manly. The one he said it was okay for me to keep, even though he was kissing me in it as I smiled and leant back. Maybe hr just looked at me in the picture, and thought I looked happy in it so it was sexual, it wasn't incestuous. But I know what I was thinking then, how happy I am when I am in bed with him, how he makes me laugh even then. So just remembering those times now, I start to smile. Maybe that's it, maybe he knew this picture would keep me going. That's the sort of thing he would do. He sometimes says things he doesn't mean, and doesn't say the things he should. I don't know why. He's the one with a degree in English...So that picture made me think, yes he will come back. Gradually I pulled myself together, but though I told the kids Lochie was coming back, I hadn't felt sure till now it was true. l still felt a void that even the prospect of having a baby couldn't fill, but that helped, as did dear sweet Willa who I knew could tell something was the matter with me, and tried to keep me busy.  
Kit did his best to look after me all the time and I love him for it. He made me smile again after my miscarriage. But as soon as Lochie approached me in the hospital bed I felt whole again. He was dishevelled from his flight and he looked like he had been running. I saw anguish on his face, but also I saw love in his eyes, which warmed me. Kit had told me Lochie's message that everything would be all right, but I didn't know what that meant till I saw him. He also told me Lochie said he loved me, but he's played with my heart so much I wasn't sure if he meant he would love me again in the way I had always loved him. But as he came towards me, I could tell...He looked so handsome - he had caught some of the Sydney sun on his skin and it was a lovely soft bronze. I really do adore him. He wasn't dressed properly for our autumn and I could see his strong bare arms, which I just needed to hold me right then. His hair was tousled like he was going for a surfer look. I knew he was brightening the day of the patients in their beds. He's more attractive simply because he doesn't seem aware of it. He doesn't walk with arrogance or swagger at all. But everyone noticed him.  
I'd worked out that some of the nurses scored the male visitors. There's a 4 to the left. An 8 in the hall. Completely inappropriate perhaps, but quite funny and usually accurate...Lochie right then would have been off the scale. We could have had a beautiful baby, I thought...I took his hand, he kissed me, he let me know what making everything all right meant. He had come back to me. Body and soul he had come back.

When we got home we just had a normal few hours before bed. We watched a movie, or parts if it, chatted with Kit, Lochie checked on the kids. How I revelled to be back to that routine. Except one part was so different. Lochie gave me a new ring, to wear everyday on my ring finger and he would have one too. So now we know we won't just love each other always, we are now partners always too. It may not seem like much to anyone else but it's the most formal recognition of our commitment to each other we can have. Those rings captured the magic we had in those three weeks along the eastern coast but instead of being just a memory we have pledged ourselves to the other. No more games, no more separation, just love.

Lochie waited for me to ask him into my room. I think he was worried because the nurse said we couldn't have sex for a few days and Lochie thought I was more delicate than I was. I felt stronger as soon as he came back. So he came in and locked the door. He undid my buttons on my shirt and let it fall to the ground. He ran his hands over my shoulder to my waist. He undid my jeans and kissed my knickers as he pushed my jeans down. He stroked his hands back up my legs as I stepped out of my clothes. He then came back up and niftily undid my bra in a swift movement, then fondled my breasts in his hands. I stood still eager for the man I love. He pulled me to him and we kissed passionately. He pulled off his t shirt and I helped him undo his jeans. Then he stood naked in front of me. Standing like that reminded me of that first awkward, wonderful time on a late spring morning before we made love for the first time. So full of fear, curiosity, lust for each other. We had no idea then that we would come so far, hurt so much, love so completely. I remember then how nervous Lochie had been, how I had to help guide him into my body. Now he knew me intimately, and I him. We were experienced at helping each other reach that wonderful ecstasy. We could love each other and hurt each other like no one else could. So here, in this autumnal night, we stood, together again.

Lochie was already hard for me and I took his cock in my hands and rubbed him back and forth. He carried me to the bed. He touched me gently, caressed me, stroked me but did not enter me. Yet still my body arched in response just to his touch, his breathing, his lips. My hands familiarised myself with his body, his back, his neck his chest and his abdomen, once again it belonged only to me. He covered me with little kisses leading to my stomach, which he then rubbed in a circle so softly with the palm of his hand before kissing it again. Was he thinking, as I was about the baby it so recently had contained, the baby we had created and so very nearly shared? My hands reached down for his cock and I played with him as we kissed until he came on me and I swirled it round my body. Then we went to sleep in each other's arms. I know I held him tightly.

I woke late but Lochie was already up. He was just packing away monopoly. Willa was in the garden, Kit in the kitchen and Tiffin I guess was in his room.  
'Who won?' I asked.  
'Tiffin,' replied Lochie. 'But only because Kit traded Pall Mall and Vine Street for Mayfair. He never learns to stick with the smaller ones. He goes for glory. It never pays off.'  
Kit walked in. 'I heard that... Why you think the utilities and stations will ever save you I don't know.'  
'I'm not playing to win, I'm playing to annoy people. Everyone hates paying £200 on each station...'  
'Excuses...' chided Kit. It was so wonderful having Lochie back. I loved to hear them laughing about these small things. But that was what he was like: he always took responsibility seriously but he had always been able to find pleasure and joy in the smallest things. I guess it was something to do with when we were poor. Once Willa had come home from school and said her friend Chloe had been swimming with dolphins and could we go? So Lochie said we could one day, but we'd have to wait a long time. But he could take us to see pond skaters and water boatmen that weekend. What did she want to choose to do? She chose the insects. He told Tiffin and Willa how clever those creatures were and he made them seem really exciting. Then the day before we went pond dipping I asked Lochie, 'Have you actually told her how big they are? I don't think she understands. She's going to be disappointed.'  
And Lochie said, 'Why would she be disappointed? She's 6 years old. They are rather wonderful aren't they? Aren't you always happy when you see a butterfly or a dragonfly?'  
'Yes,' I conceded.  
'And would they be any better if they were bigger?'  
'Actually no.'  
'Well there you are then.'  
Of course, Lochie was absolutely right. We went on a bus to the nature reserve and we used jars to scoop up the water and looked at the creatures with a magnifying glass. Willa loved it, mostly because she had Lochie there but also because that was the start of a love of nature he instilled in her which she's never lost. He bought her a triops set for a present after that and she raised them herself, starting a craze for them in her class. Yes, we all have happy memories because of him, and a happy future to look forward to now as well.  
'How many times have we played that game? You know it too well.' I said  
'We used to play this with Dad didn't we?' Kit asked.  
'No I don't remember,' I remarked.  
'We never played it with mum,' recalled Kit  
'She didn't have the patience,' said Lochie.  
'Oh by the way,' said Kit, 'I didn't tell you, she's moving to Spain?'  
'What? How do you know?' asked Lochie.  
'I went to see her in Falmouth.'  
'When?' I asked.  
'When you were in Sydney.'  
'Why?'  
'She phoned. She wanted to see who was here I think. She was surprised I answered. She knew that dad was having the kids.'  
'Who told her?' I wondered.  
'I reckon it must have been that friend she had. Pat? The one that knew his cousin. She used to get a lot of gossip from her,' suggested Lochie.  
'Well, she wanted to come and see me, I think she wanted to see the house, see how we lived but I didn't want her here. So I borrowed a bike from the shop and went to her.'  
'You've never ridden that far..was the journey okay?' asked Lochie.  
'Yeah it was great, I overtook everyone past Stonehenge, the Cornish roads were fun. I went to Lands End after I finished. I slept on a beach one night.'  
'Kit..' I said concerned. I could imagine him not being prepared for anything, just doing things on a whim. He was quite a free spirit, or had been in the past.  
'It was fine. I liked thinking I was on a Cornish beach at night and at the other side of the world you were probably on the beach in the day.'  
'You softie...' I gave my brother a hug.  
'What did she want?'asked Lochie.  
'Well I was worried so I specially went down on the bike in my leathers so I'd look older. I think she was expecting the scrap of a boy she remembered.' I bet she was surprised. Kit looks a lot older than his years anyway.  
'Yes, you have really changed since we last saw her - I guess that was three years ago?' I said.  
'So what did she say?' continued Lochie.  
'She wanted all the gossip on dad. I think she had this warped envy that after all these years he was in touch. I think she also didn't like it that he was giving you a holiday. I think she was jealous in a way.'  
'What else?' he asked. Like me, Lochie new any renewed interest by our mother was probably not a good thing. 'Well she still drinks but she is an artist now. She makes pots and she has a partner who makes carvings out of wood with a chainsaw. His name's Martin. He seemed okay. He wanted to strap a wooden eagle to my bike, but I said no.'  
'Did she mention us, me and Lochie?'  
'Yes. That's why I didn't tell you...'  
'What did she say?'  
'Well she said it wasn't too late to protect the kids. That she could tell someone before she left.'  
'Oh my god.' Lochie took me in his arms  
'She wouldn't.... ' he said.  
'No I just told her, did she really want to ruin our lives? She only said this when Martin went to get the eagle so I don't think she has ever told anyone. She really doesn't want to have Willa and Tiff. It was just spite. She thought you'd helped get in contact with our dad. But I told her that wasn't so. I said you nearly didn't go too but went for their sake. I think it was good that she knew I wasn't interested.'  
'So you think she won't?' he asked.  
'I'm sure. I wanted to tell her I'd fucking kill her if she did.'  
'You didn't did you?'  
'No. I said if she broke this family apart she would have nothing ever. I said if she ever dreamt that at some time in her life she would need any one of us she couldn't do it.'  
'That was good,' said Lochie seriously. 'Do you think it worked?'  
'Well I said I didn't need her to promise me, because if there was the slightest feeling left for us she wouldn't do it. I just told her the truth that you two had brought up her children. We have all done pretty well. Well we have haven't we? Why ruin that?'  
'That sounds brilliant Kit, thank you.' Lochie hugged his brother.  
'Well it was just the truth,' he replied.  
'So is that it? Has she gone?' I asked.  
'Yeah I think so. She said she would forward an address but nothing's come yet.'  
'So that's it isn't it?' I said.  
'Just us in the whole country....' added Lochie  
'Yeah, but it's been like that for years...' said Kit.  
'Yes but it's been okay hasn't it?' I wondered.  
Lochie stood behind me and put his arms around me. He kissed my neck and whispered 'Better now...' His breath tickled me and I laughed and squirmed in his arms.  
Kit was pleased to see us happy but he was the voice of reason  
'Guys, I know you had freedom to be yourself in Australia but you're here now. It's never safe to do that here. Remember how I was at 13? It's not easy to understand...' Kit was absolutely right.

Within a few days Lochie and I went back to making love together and it was just as good as I remembered - better even than when we were in Australia, because I could tell that Lochie did not just admit that he loved me to me, he admitted it to himself. I know if anything happens in the future, if anyone finds out he will try to take the blame, try to protect me. But for now he talks about spending our lives together and well, he just seems happy and contented, more than I have ever seen him before. And that makes me happy and when he makes love to me he seems more self assured. He will tell me he loves me while he is thrusting into me, which satisfies me so much. And in return I say it back or I call his name at just the right time for him. He never asks me about the sex I had with other men. I think we both just want to pretend it didn't happen. But sometimes the way he devours me is so eager, he seems so committed to making me come I wonder if he is imagining he is in competition with them. I don't bother telling him, no one ate me up half so well as this. Why stop him? So it's all good, very good.

I had had sex with seven men, including Tyrese, when Lochie had told me to find someone else. But even when I had to rush sex with Lochie for whatever reason I still enjoyed it more than any time with anyone else. I guess every time with Lochie I was bonding more and more deeply with him, if that's possible. Every intimate moment with him I treasured, because I knew our love was special, had meaning to us both. In fact apart fromwith Tyrese I hadn't enjoyed sex with anyone else really. I may as well have been using a vibrator when I had sex with all my one night stands, the person just didn't matter. I think for me love just makes a difference. And I feel so much love for Lochie. He is just so good and gentle and kind. 

When Willa asks him to do anything for her he will, he always has. She has him round her little finger. In the spring she said she wished she had a place of her own in the garden, so she could go there and write like Roald Dahl. She didn't actually ask him to buy a cabin, but I think she knew he might. In the end it was too expensive, so he built one using tongue and groove and decking boards. He made it really pretty with flower boxes and a porch. Willa painted it herself, stripes of pink blue and white that Lochie finished off. Kit ran some electrics in. He had been doing plumbing and electrics courses alongside his job in the bike shop and he got someone to check his work, it was all okay.

So things went on as normal. I completed my textile degree, Lochie got a job at a different publishing house. The biggest change was Kit moving out. He probably earns more money than either of us. He works with a friend who runs his own handyman business, and pays Kit well. He often works 6 days a week, but used to come round a lot still until his girlfriend Charlotte moved in with him. She's nice, a nurse in the paediatric department. I wish we could go out, us four together, but we can't. I don't know how he covers for the fact that Lochie and I don't date anyone but it's early days for them so it's been okay so far. I guess in years to come if they stay together it will look strange. Those kind of problems will always be with us. Kit still was giving money for the kids, but Lochie tells him not to. So Lochie doesn't know but Kit is putting money away for when the mortgage has to be paid off in a few years. He also does stuff like fitting a new bathroom for us. Willa loves the shower he put in - it has lights that change from blue to red as the water gets hotter. 

Lochie and I have talked about having children. I want them, but not yet. I know it would be too complicated. I still think having a healthy baby would show the world our love is right, even though we couldn't proclaim it. And I would want to live somewhere where the child could call me mum and Lochie dad. But Lochie feels strongly the opposite to me anyway. He says our love is good, no one is hurt by it, but a disabled baby would confound that. I have shown him articles which prove that one generation of offspring born to brother and sister are most likely to be healthy. It's constant in breeding between cousins, such as in the old European royal families where weakness and deformity flourished. He wanted a vasectomy, but I asked him not to incase I could have a baby with donor sperm and he use a surrogate. And he agreed to wait, just to keep that dream alive for me. 

There have been problems though. Kit never brought friends to stay overnight. Looking back, I'm sorry for him, because though he accepted us he felt awkward because at 13 he couldn't really comprehend it. Tiffin now uses Kit's room in the extension and often has mates round and is casual about who is staying over and when just like any teenage boy would be. Willa too is popular and has sleepovers. When ever that happens Lochie and I can't sleep together. To be honest we don't even touch when their friends are over. Then Tiff got a paper round and Lochie thought he best be in his own room by the morning, so he leaves me at some point in the middle of the night. Now the children are both older it's less predictable when anyone will be up so Lochie doesn't stay with me every night anyway, and often we just make love very quickly and quietly. Then when we know on other evenings we have the house to ourselves we look at each other, rush upstairs and completely fuck each other as noisily as possible in my bedroom, his bedroom, in the shower. Sometimes we don't even get upstairs. It's wonderful, but it's becoming rarer. I don't think sex is the most important part of our relationship, but it is a big part of it. Neither of us are satisfied by the two or three times we have managed in the past couple of weeks. Now that the children are older we can leave them on their own for a bit, so we sometimes we go to the woods and have sex there, if we really need it. We know where to go, but that tends just to be good for instant gratification which isn't really us. The best time in the woods was one warm day in mid May. The bluebells were having a long season and they stretched and stretched from the borders of the fields into the woods. We trod carefully between them getting as far away from any semblance of a path as we could. The scent of the flowers was heady, soporific even. The blue was one of the richest I'd seen in the bluebells ever. It was a magic place, I felt we belonged there. Pixies, elves and faes, they wouldn't mind a brother and sister making love in their realm, so we lay down- we usually just stand up when we have sex outdoors - and Lochie thrusted into me really slowly. Then he let me turn him over and I hoisted up my dress, a little white cotton one and I rode him really well. It was quite tiring and we lay down together in each other's arms and went to sleep. We only woke up when a pheasant came picking its way through the bells, making that funny croaking sound. So although I will never forget the excitement and beauty of times like that, we both have a real frustration that we need to change things so we can live together fully.


	21. Lochan

One Saturday I was talking with Kit in the kitchen, he had popped round to fix the washing machine. We had never heard from mum again, though she did forward an address, but dad had kept in touch. He had not visited us in England but Maya and I went with Willa and Tiff the next summer. We had our special three weeks together again which only made the need to move forward together greater. The following year I couldn't get time off work to coincide with the school holidays. We just didn't feel comfortable putting the children on the plane and them being on the other side of the world with just Ian there to look after them, so rather than Maya just go with them, Kit said he'd go with Charlotte. He paid for his own ticket and met his dad, but then went backpacking around like Maya and I did. So those weeks, although it wasn't the same as when we can hold hands and kiss and just be ourselves like we can in Australia, at least we just got to lie in bed on a weekend morning - and stay in bed all day if we wanted to. So this morning Kit was talking with me about about Australia - we both liked it there.

'You know I've talked to Tiffin about moving there,' I explained. 'If we do it for his studies it would have to be this year. He's 15, so would just have two years left'  
'Yes, and you never know with Ian, he might just be interested in the kids till they are 18. If you need any help it may be too late after that...' suggested Kit.  
'I was hoping not to have to ask him. The kids would stay with us anyway.'  
'How would that work with you and Maya living together?'  
'I don't know...'  
Maya came to join in the conversation. We had had it many times but couldn't come to a conclusion. We didn't want to tell the kids about us yet so relocating wouldn't solve any problem. If we went there as Willa's brother and sister, we would have to stay like that.  
'Kit,' I asked,'you still not interested in coming with us anyway?'  
'Maybe in the future, but the business is going well here and Charlotte and I aren't ready for that sort of commitment yet...she wouldn't leave her mum anyway. Don't you think you could tell them, then?' he asked.  
'They are too young, particularly Willa. I couldn't deliberately burden a child with secrets.'  
Just then Willa walked into the kitchen. She got out some cereal and milk from the fridge. She sat down and started to eat.  
'What secrets do you want me to keep? I'm good at keeping things to myself..' she said, nonchalantly.  
'I was just thinking out loud..' I said, 'it isn't good for children to keep secrets,' I added aware of my parental role.  
'Oh,' said Willa,'do you want to know what I know then?'  
'Yes, of course.' I thought it was probably to do with one of her friends pretending they didn't like One Direction, while keeping a picture of Harry Styles in their bag.  
'Well I know you and Maya sleep in the same room together,' she stated calmly.  
Dear God...how could I get out of this one? What did she know? What had she seen?  
'Er well, I had a nightmare once, Lochie looked after me, that's all.' said Maya, stepping in quickly  
'That's not true. I've seen you' she replied adamantly.  
Shit this was getting worse, but Willa was just eating her cornflakes. Kit didn't know where to look. Maya was in shock  
'What do you mean? What did you see?' I asked  
'Oh it was a long time ago. I think it was before we went to Australia. I couldn't sleep because of the fireworks. I went to Maya's room and you were there.'  
'Oh yes, I remember,' I lied. 'We were having a sleepover.' That sounded rubbish but maybe I could trick her memory.  
'With no clothes on?' she said calmly. But I couldn't speak anymore.  
Kit actually laughed, nervously. How could we get out of this one?  
'Yes it was hot that firework night ...I remember.' I was desperate. Hot in November...this wasn't good.  
'Do you think so? asked Willa. Maybe I had a chance. 'Because it happened quite a few times..' she said. A few times? I thought we'd always locked the door. 'I spoke to you once to get you up but you just told me to go back to bed.'  
'I did? I don't remember Willa...' I pleaded.  
'Well you must have been very worn out Lochie, not to remember something like that,' remarked Kit.  
'Please don't joke about this Kit..' I had had dreams that someone had walked in on us - was one of them actually true?  
'We were just asleep though Willa?' Please God, she couldn't have seen anything else?  
'Yes I know.'  
Phew, could I get away with this...?  
'But I've heard you having sex when I went to the bathroom.'  
Oh fuck.  
'She knows mate,' said Kit, "you can't get out of this one...'

I thought Maya was going to cry. 'I'm sorry Willa. I didn't know. It won't happen again.' she said to her sister.  
But I took her arm, she couldn't say that, we both knew that would never be true. And I knew all I could do now was to tell Willa the truth even though it was uncomfortable.  
'Willa I'm sorry you shouldn't know things like that. I know I tell you you must follow rules and Maya and I have broken one. But we love each other. We shouldn't love each other like that, but we have for a long time and we won't stop. Do you understand?'  
'Yes,' she nodded.  
'But you mustn't love Tiffin like that?'  
'Gross!'  
'You understand it's not right, but for us it's not wrong?'  
'It's okay..'  
'Is it?'  
'I just think of you as my mum and dad anyway. I used to think you actually were, when I wasn't very good at maths. I thought my evil godmother had forced you to act like brother and sister.'  
'You mean mum?'  
'Yes'  
'Well she's your mum and you know who your dad is?' I wondered how much we had confused this child.  
'Yes stupid, I know.'  
'Oh good..you haven't told anyone have you?'  
'No, why would I?'  
'Just incase you were worried...'  
'I wasn't worried, but there was nothing to talk about anyway. I didn't understand about Tyrese though.'  
Ok this was going to be difficult.  
Maya interrupted. 'Lochie and I had an argument and I started seeing Tyrese, but just for a bit. I didn't love him like I love Lochie. It's important you have a proper boyfriend Willa, someone you chose.'  
'Er yeah...'  
'And you know I love Kit but I don't have sex with him?' she said.  
'Maya!' shouted Kit.  
'Gross, I know that,' she said. That was a relief.  
'I have to tell her Kit, she has to know the difference,' she insisted.  
'I think I do. Kit's my brother. You and Lochie are different. You always have been. No one else has a brother or sister who look after them like you do.'  
'Please don't tell anyone...' begged Maya  
'I'm not going to...'  
'Look we could go to prison..' I told her, sadly she had to know how serious this was.  
'Really oh... Is it that bad?' she looked surprised.  
'You tell me ...is it?' I wanted to know what she really felt.  
'I don't think so....if you are both happy? They stone gay people in some countries don't they? So I suppose some rules aren't always right.'  
'Yes it's a bit like that. Maybe when you are older Maya can tell you why it happened that way for us.. I'm sorry but you are going to keep that secret always.'  
I could tell Willa looked concerned. She hadn't told anyone because she thought we seemed normal, she hadn't considered what we did was really wrong. But in making her appreciate the rules of society we had made her view us as an aberration. I guess I'd stuck two fingers up at society's values for years, - with a few falterings - because I thought the disdain, the disgust people would have for Maya and me just didn't reflect what we did, how we loved, or who we were. But to disappoint my little sister in anyway, to confuse her and make her feel uncomfortable, that really broke my heart.  
'I have known for a long time Willa,' comforted Kit. 'It's okay. If you ever want to talk about anything you can talk to me.'  
'I'm good , at least I thought so...'  
'Yes, don't think about it too much,' he told her.  
'Er, I don't..' Willa mumbled.  
'I mean that's not the most important thing about them, it's just a small part, a private part,' he explained.  
'Yes I get that,' she said, biting her lip like I do when I'm worried.  
Poor Willa. She spoke with the forthrightness of a child about things she shouldn't know about.  
'Willa, does Tiffin know?' I asked.  
'I haven't spoken to him about it,'  
'Really?'  
'No, he would have just turned it round to start teasing me.' she suggested.  
'Okay. That's good. Let's keep it like that for now.'  
'Okay.'  
'So Willa, I have got a question to ask you. You know Dad asked if you wanted to live in Australia? Well you can do that if you want, but Maya and I, we don't want to lose you, so if we went too we could still be near you. But we would be living like we were married. Do you understand?'  
'Yes I think so.'  
'I think you were right, she's too young to be involved in any deception...' said Kit.  
'Yes I know, I wouldn't have chosen this.'  
'It's okay I understand. I'd call Maya my sister and pretend you were her husband? That you weren't my brother?'  
'Yes'  
'I could do that...But would I have to live with Dad?'  
'Yes, I suppose so..'  
'Well that's the bit I don't like..'  
'But you see if you lived with us dad would work out how we lived together because that's what we want to do. But he can't know that,' I explained.  
'Oh, but I don't want to live with dad. He's okay but something would be missing... he's not family, not really.'  
'Okay Willa that's all I wanted to know. That's fine. We won't do it. It's fine.'  
Kit stood up, he'd been fiddling with the washing machine.  
'Willa what about if I went with you? You and Tiffin could live with me, and Maya and Lochie could live not far away and we could see each other all the time.'  
'Kit ...what about Charlotte?' I asked.  
'Yeah I know... It's okay. She's good but she's not my soulmate or anything. You have made sacrifices for me. I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.'  
'But how could we afford two homes. This house is still in mum's and dad's name, and over the years I have only been paying the interest.. There won't be a lot of money even if dad says we can keep some of it.'  
'Well, I have some money saved up. And I helped at Fat Harry's bike shop when I was there last time...and they need qualified plumbers easy. I'd have no problem getting a job. Besides, have you ever asked dad for anything ?'  
'No'  
'Well, maybe you should. All he's done for 10 years is paid for a few holidays. You know he's buying a boat? And a holiday home in Port Macquarie?'  
'Yes I know....But I don't want him to think he can buy us..' I countered.  
'It's not buying you, it's providing for his children'  
'Yes....I will think about it. But look everyone - don't tell Tiffin. He's the one who has been excited about Australia. I don't want to ruin things for him. I will tell him about us if, when, we get to Australia.'  
'He's older than I was, Lochie,' advised Kit.  
'Yes but it didn't turn out to well at first, did it?'  
'I'd tell him Lochie.'  
'Tiffin and I have a different relationship than you and I had Kit, I don't want to let him down.'  
'I don't know..he won't want to be the last to know,' he warned.  
'Well, he already is. I'm sure it's the right thing, please.' I had such an abiding sense of shame having to admit to my little sister that I loved her older sister in a way that was completely, in the eyes of others, taboo. I just couldn't face telling my younger brother too. It especially hurt because whereas Kit and I were brothers, equals, I couldn't help but feel that to Tiffin and Willa I had been in all respects a father to them. I'd never had a wild youth, I'd always been conscientious, responsible, a carer, a provider, but I felt that my relationship with Maya suddenly negated all of that, I felt I had let them down.

But everyone acquiesced to my demand. I went ahead with sorting out schooling, accommodation, jobs, visas everything. As I suspected Tiffin was overjoyed that he would be finishing his schooling in Australia. There were a few friends he was going to miss, but the prospect of surfing more than made up for it. Willa was okay. In the first few weeks she withdrew from me a bit. She was all right with Maya though - she gave her the letter about parent's evening. I asked her if she minded if I went - I'd never missed one - and she said she assumed I would. On that evening one of the teachers said she needed to work harder on her maths so she would be top of the class like he knew she should be. And he said 'Who is in charge of seeing she could do that?'  
I said I could monitor her progress no problem  
'And you are her brother? Is there not anyone else who could help her?' he replied, as if doubting that I could take on such responsibility.  
'He's not just my brother,' interjected Willa. 'I don't need anyone else. He's better than most dads I know of...and he's really boring. He will make me do my work.' I smiled at Willa, that was probably the nicest compliment Willa could give me then.


	22. Maya

So we finally made the big move to Sydney. We went in the Christmas holidays - their long summer break before the new school year. We had rented out our house in Bexham, in case things didn't work out. Lochie and I were going to rent a small apartment - the top floor of a townhouse in Glebe, on the outskirts of Sydney so that there was some distance between dad and us. But Lochie didn't want to be possessive about the chikdren, so they were going to live in Manly. Kit was getting a bungalow ready that Dad had bought for him, Willa and Tiffin. It was actually quite big, but that's how Australian property is. It needed some work doing to it but Kit and Lochie wanted to do it. Neither of them are men who like sitting around doing nothing, they like to be busy. There was an open plan living area, a pool, and a large open garden. Dad hadn't even quibbled when we suggested he support them like this. I think he saw the fact that the children were in Australia, but not living with him as the best of both worlds. Not so much guilt, not do much responsibility. I didn't want a penny from him, neither did Lochie or Kit but he gives Kit some money for utility bills. Lochie pays for all the kid's food and clothes, he told dad he was used to doing that, and he felt he should seeing as they were living separately. And I know Kit buys them anything else they need. I work in a coffee shop near the harbour at the moment, but I also make clothes which I sell through some of the surf shops but I'm not looking to expand into having my own stall, though the markets are vivacious. Eventually I'm going to take a different route in marketing for some of the fashion stores that are based here, but I want to be around for Willa and Tiff as Kit has already picked up some emergency call out shifts, and I don't want them to think too much has changed since coming to Australia. Dad doesn't get involved on a daily basis, he made it quite clear that his writing takes him across the country and overseas frequently. Lochie of course was very happy with that, he is used to looking after the children on a daily basis and I know that he was giving up some of his authority - he wouldn't have been able to surrender it all. 

We realised because Kit came with us, Willa and Tiff have to acknowledge both Lochie and him as their brothers, as really all the males in the family look similar, and it was me who changed name, from Whitely to Rose. We had to tell Tiffin about us in the first fortnight, it had to be done quickly, before he started school. It soon became apparent that Lochie had been wrong about the timing. Tiffin was more emotional about leaving his friends than we anticipated. He was also nervous about starting school which we hadn't predicted.

Lochie wanted to tell Tiffin about us on his own, but I said that was wrong, Tiff had to see that whatever he said was true for both of us. We asked Kit to take Willa down to the beach. And I let Lochie do the speaking, which probably was a mistake as since he realised Willa knew about us that burden of guilt he used to carry about our relationship has been slipping back onto his shoulders.  
'Tiff, there's something I, we, want to tell you about why we are living in Sydney not here with you,' he began.  
'It's okay, I know that's where the jobs are...'  
'No it's not that, we could commute from here.'  
'Oh...'  
'It's just Maya and I want to be together...'  
I thought he should just come out and say it.  
'Oh.That's okay, you have done a lot for us. A new start? Yeah?' I could see that Tiffin saw this as a bit of a rejection, but was being stoic.  
'Yes a new start because....well you know Maya changed her name?'  
Lochie was actually rubbish at this.  
'Yes, because she didn't want dad's?'  
'No, because she didn't want mine.' This was actually getting painful, even for me.  
'Why not?'  
'Because we don't want to be brother and sister anymore.' I took Lochie's hand into my lap and he interlaced his fingers with mine nervously.  
'But why? You're like best friends aren't you? You said you were going to live with each other...'  
It was obvious he had worked it out as he spoke those words. I couldn't help it, I drew Lochie's hand to my lips, I could feel his pain.  
'Is this some kind of sick joke?' Tiffin shouted, tears of despair welling in his eyes.  
'Tiff, we love each other,' I told him  
'Don't say that. It not true, it's not possible,' he yelled, standing up and moving away from us.  
'It is true,' said Lochie, but he hung his head. I wished he hadn't.  
'Shut the fuck up! I feel sick!'  
'Tiff,' Lochie tried again, approaching him. I really wish Kit had been here.  
'Get away from me you pervert. Is this why we came to Australia?' His voice was breaking between sobs.  
'No, not really. Well yes, but you wanted to come here didn't you?' argued Lochie.  
'Only because you suggested it, you freak.' I hated hearing Tiffin talk to his brother like that. 'Does Kit know?'  
'Yes of course,' I said.  
'He should have told me. I don't want to be anywhere near you. I wish you'd left me and Willa on the other side of the world.' His tears of rage, sadness, disappointment overflowed.  
'We couldn't do that.. ' muttered Lochie.  
'Why not? That's not so bad as fucking your own sister. You do that don't you?'  
'Yes, I told you we love each other.' Lochie was biting his lip now.  
'Oh spare me the details. Maya, you can stop him can't you? You can get help?' he pleaded with me.  
'You don't understand Tiff, it's not like that. I love him and he loves me. He's tried to break us up many times over the years but I need him even more than he needs me. It's wonderful Tiffin. It's the best kind of love there is. I cannot be without him.'  
'No Maya that's not true, you know how much I need you.' Lochie looked at me lovingly, which enraged Tiffin more.  
'Stop it, You make me sick.' Lochie let go of my hand. 'And what do you mean, years?'  
'Well we have been together quite a long time...' I said.  
'How long?'  
'You don't need to know....' replied Lochie.  
'I fucking do!'  
'Well you were still in junior school.' I offered.  
'Fucking hell. When mum left?'  
'Yes,' I replied.  
'Is that why she left?'  
'No I don't think so,' said Lochie, but that wasn't entirely true. That old confrontation certainly helped her departure - but we had been better off without her.  
'But she knew?'  
'Yes.'  
'And she left us with you?'  
'Yes, she knew we'd look after you,' said Lochie.  
'She trusted us with you? You sick fuck!'  
'Tiffin. Don't say that to your brother.' It was my turn to plead now.  
'Why not? That's it, he's my brother and he's yours.' he reasoned. 'Oh god - you don't want to fuck Wiila too?'  
Lochie grabbed hold of him, but stopped short of hitting him.  
'Yeah go on, hit me, let's get the police involved. You paedo!'  
I pulled them apart "Tiffin, you're the one who's sick if you think he'd do anything to hurt Willa ever. Willa knows about us, she's fine with it.' I managed to make Lochie back off.  
'Willa knows? What the fuck? Where is she? Where's Kit?' He was getting desperate.  
'They'll be back soon,' said Lochie. 'I sent them out.'  
'Well I'm going out too. I don't know when I will be back...'  
'Tiffin, please don't go,' I begged.  
'Maya, don't touch me,' he drew away from me.  
'Please, you don't understand...'  
'I fucking do!'  
'Please, please don't go..'  
'I'm sorry Maya, I can't stay in the same house as you. I can't be near him. I don't know when I'll be back'  
'Please don't... But it was too late he was out the door 'Please don't tell anyone...'

I turned around and saw Lochie crying.  
'I'm so sorry Maya.. I've ruined it. I've hurt him.'  
'It's okay, I will get Kit to talk to him when he comes back.'  
'What if he doesn't come back?'  
'He will, he has nowhere to go.'  
'What about dad's? Oh God he might tell Ian.'  
'I don't think so...'  
'I'm so sorry Maya.'  
'It's okay Lochie I just know it will be all right. Please don't be sorry that you love me...'  
'No I'm not sorry about that...' He let me kiss his cheek...'I'm sorry we didn't wait to come here...' He let me kiss the corner of his mouth... 'I'm sorry I didn't tell him in England....' He let me kiss him again and again. But I was conscious that we mustn't let Tiffin see us like this. He could be gone for hours or minutes, maybe days? But however long it took I was aware that our happy family life was broken.

If Kit hadn't found Tiffin on the beach that evening I don't know what would have happened. Tiff was crying, throwing things in the water. When Kit approached him, Tiff was abusive to him, for knowing, for not telling him. Kit pacified him long enough to call me and get me to take Willa home, and they stayed on the beach together. I don't know everything that Kit said to Tiffin, I probably wouldn't have agreed with, or liked some of it, but after a few hours Kit was able to bring him back to the bungalow. Tiffin demanded that we leave the property before he came back, so we left Willa alone, then went away.

Kit suggested we not come back for a few days, but Tiff refused to see Lochie at all for weeks. He let me come by because I had to be there for Kit, he couldn't do everything, and neither Tiffin nor Willa are as competent at looking after a house as Lochie and I were at that age. It wasn't easy, Tiffin had mood swings, holding me and crying, wanting to protect me, angry with me, hating me. But because he would talk to me we started to get over it. I kept telling him how much I loved Lochie, how special and meaningful our love was but I think that only made it worse. He didn't want to be in the same house as Lochie, and that made Willa upset as she loves her eldest brother so much. Kit would bring her over to ours whenever he could, but that wasn't as often as she'd like. Lochie would go and pick her up and take her to the gardens and sit and talk there, but it wasn't the same as living together as we had done before, We had thought we would be staying over at the bungalow at least two nights a week but Tiffin would not have it. 

I know Lochie was relieved that Tiffin would talk to me, but I also think the fact that he was treated differently by his brother meant that he felt that all that he had believed before, that he should feel guilty about our love - not me, was true again. I tried to explain that wasn't so, it was really because Tiffin had always respected, admired, even loved his brother more than he did me. I was still at times just an annoying sister - someone who spent too long in the shower, who left the place messy and would moan about the noise. Lochie wasn't like that. He always put the children first, did everything for them without complaint and without seeking thanks. New shoes needed? Sorted. Trouble at school? Dealt with. Homework help? Resolved. Football matches? Attended. He absolutely loved those children unconditionally. Whereas a parent may say 'No I don't have the time' or 'No, I don't have the money' Lochie never did, he would always try to do his best, do without things himself. He was aware that he couldn't buy everything, but he was free with his time. He told me once that he didn't want them to think that they had missed out on anything just because they didn't have parents but I knew if mum had stayed, they would have had nothing anyway. So while I was Tiffin's and Willa's friend, Lochie was much more their parent. Basically Tiff had put him on a pedestal, then watched him fall.

Within a couple of months Kit and I persuaded Tiff that he could be in the same house as Lochie, but he ignored him or would stay in his room. I felt it was an improvement, however slow. But it had taken a toll on Lochie. We had so been looking forward to being together here, but Lochie was undoubtedly saddened, not just by his brother's rejection, but because he was acutely aware that we had lost that sense of family that he had nurtured really since he was a child himself. 

It affected our relationship, not physically, but emotionally. I think Tiffin wanted that, at least. We introduced ourselves as partners to people we met, that was important, that was why we came here. Luckily Dad did not have a wide social circle, apart from a neighbour or two he hadn't introduced us to anyone else as his son and daughter, so we felt safe. His ex wife and two children had moved to Melbourne, we had never met them. We went out together as a couple and it felt good to me, so normal. But I could tell for Lochie there was an underlying sadness, so that even when he was happy, if for example he would kiss me on a night out, like we hadn't been able to do in London I would see a look of melancholy in his eyes as if he was guilty exactly because he was happy. I knew it was because of Tiffin, not just what he said about him, but because he missed him and was aware that their relationship had changed forever. I love Lochie because he cares about things so much, but just briefly I wondered would this pain be enough to make Lochie think twice about us, to want to break us up again. So I had to ask him. 

We were at home, sitting on the sofa, he was just flicking through the channels. We really have to get a better package - I really miss British TV and HBO. It seemed like a good time to talk.  
'Lochie, I think Tiffin's coming round a bit, isn't he?'  
Lochie just shrugged his shoulders, not looking at me.  
'But Kit said he talked to you today?'  
'Yes, Willa was going clothes shopping with her friends so I asked her how much money she wanted.'  
'You spoil her...'  
'Its okay, she said she was just browsing, so I gave her $50'  
'What did Tiffin say?'  
'He said he wanted money for an Arsenal shirt.'  
'Stupid jerk. You didn't give it to him any money did you?'  
'No.' He sighed and turned the TV off, and pulled me into his arms. He just held me quietly, stroking my arms, kissing the top of my head.  
'Lochie, do you think we made the right decision, coming here?' I asked.  
He sat me up, and looked at me, concerned.  
'Why, do you think we shouldn't have come?'  
'No, I love it here. I love being able to live here with you. It's just like you always promised me.' He smiled at me. God, he could melt my heart with that smile. 'But...you aren't happy are you?'  
'Happy? Of course I'm happy, I love you. You know that.'  
'But all this trouble with Tiffin, I know that he has hurt you, I know you are sad about that...'  
'Yes, I am. Of course I am. I don't know how much space to give him, if I should confront him...I don't know. But that doesn't affect me and you.'  
'But I know when you feel guilty about us...you remember last time...?'  
'Oh god, Maya. You haven't been worried about anything like that? That I'd leave you again?'  
'Well...'  
'Maya, you couldn't think it. I've been brooding again, haven't I? I'm an idiot.'  
'Well you are broodingly handsome most of the time...' Lochie squeezed me and I laughed and so did he. I was glad I could make him forget his troubles, if only for a while.  
He held my hand and touched my ring. 'What was this for? I told you, we are partners, forever. I don't say it enough, but I think of you as my wife. You are the person I have chosen to spend my life with.'  
I kissed him.  
'Yes, I get sad sometimes, that's just me, I will always be like that a bit I guess. But it's nothing to do with you. I know Tiffin's testing me..but it will pass, I think ...eventually. Won't it?' His eyes grew anxious again.  
'Stop it Lochie.. You are doing it again, you can't sit there with your big eyes and your bronzed skin and your tousled hair and look so sad and not think all I will want to do is absolutely anything to make you happy again.'  
'Oh yeah?' he smiled. 'What do you have in mind?'  
'Come in to the bedroom and you will find out?' I said as I pulled him up. 'Oh, and does your phone have a lot of power?'  
'Yes, why?' he asked. I knew he was being coy.  
'You might want to film it tonight..'  
He let me pull him up, he followed me into our bedroom, and he picked up his phone.  
Yes, I think we were going to be fine after all.

Our flat was simple, but for us it was wonderful just to have it. It had two bedrooms. Lochie kept his stuff in one, and mine was in another, just to be cautious. Lochie's room we kept for Willa and we thought Tiffin would come over sometimes and sleep on the sofa - of course, he never would now. My room was actually our room. I knew what it was like to make love passionately with Lochie, and with our own space we were able to do that freely. Now we could do so every night, every day that we had together. So we would spend all the time we wanted satisfying each other's physical desires from one hour to another. After 7 years together already, this was like starting all over again. Being able to experiment more, spend more time together making love, being able to make more noise. Feeling him enjoy me with his tongue and then feeling so powerless, rendered absolutely helpless as he made me come and being actually able to call out whenever I wanted was very special for us. Being able to say his name loudly as well as hearing him murmur mine, was absolutely lovely. It made me think sometimes of something else we could do new one day. Maybe I could bear him his own child...But the prospect of that happening whilst our own brother's rejection of him was so keenly felt meant that Lochie's own doubts about that issue would be insurmountable. So it was so important for Lochie to know I trusted him completely with my body, to reassure him that my love for him was special. So physically our relationship was intense.

One time we were messing round on the beach, having had a surfing lesson, and we were just tripping over the waves as they hit the shore, kicking at the sand, laughing together. We weren't doing anything overt but I guess from the way Lochie supported me, the proximity of our bodies, maybe even by the way we laughed together we would have seemed to anyone like we were a couple. Unfortunately, Tiffin was there, thankfully alone. Lochie hadn't seen him for weeks. Tiffin saw us too late and barely looked at us, immediately swerving to avoid us. Lochie went to run after him. I tried to hold him back. I told him, 'he's not ready, Lochie,' but he replied 'I have to talk to him, he looks so unhappy' so I let him go. I don't know what they said, I saw Lochie extend his hands to him, and place them on Tiffin's arms as if to make him stop, but Tiffin shook him off and backed away, I heard cursing and shouting from him but Lochie just stood there and walked away, not to me, but to sit on the beach alone while Tiffin walked on.

Who should I go to first? I ran to Tiffin. He was walking without purpose so I caught up quickly.  
'Tiffin, what happened?'  
'I told you, I don't want him near me!'  
'But it's so hard for him he loves you like a son.'  
'Well he's really mixed up with relationships isn't he? I'm his brother, and we know what you are to him really.'  
'Tiff, you know what I mean don't you?'  
He stopped abruptly.  
'Yes Maya, I know what he was. Don't you think I know? I looked up to him. I was so proud of him. All my friends were envious that I had a brother like him. I wanted to be him for God's sake, or as close as I could be."  
'Oh Tiff, can't you forgive him?' I didn't think Lochie needed forgiveness but I thought it might help Tiffin to find a way to reconcile with his brother.  
'I just don't want to, Maya. You know I don't think I will not want to talk to him forever. I don't have a plan or anything. I don't want to stop Willa seeing him or stop him from hanging round with Kit. I know you can all deal with it but I can't. Does that mean I'm wrong?' I think he really wanted to know.  
'No Tiff, I don't think it does. I think Lochie more than anyone would want you to be guided by your conscience. But thank you for not telling anyone.'  
'Fuck Maya! Do you think I would want you - or Lochie - to go to prison? I'm not stupid, I know it's serious. Look Maya I love you, and I love Lochie, you can tell him I said that if you like. But it's not just that your together. It's that he lied to me. Why did he tell me last?'  
'Well Kit found out when he was younger than you and he struggled with it.'  
'Yes he told me what he did.'  
'Well so he wanted really to tell you both when you were 18, but Willa told us she knew last year.'  
'You know I knew something was strange when we came back from Sydney the first time.'  
'You did?'  
'Yes you were crying so much for Lochie and I guessed you were pregnant, weren't you?'  
'Yes, I didn't know you knew.'  
'Well I wasn't sure. I didn't want to think it was true. I didn't want to ask. Did you have an abortion?'  
'No... I miscarried.'  
'Oh, I'm sorry.'  
'Are you?'  
'It was Lochie's?'  
'Yes.'  
'I don't think it's right but.. '  
Yes?'  
'But I'm sorry you were so sad. I'm sorry if you really wanted it.'  
'But how can you say that when you think what we do is so wrong?"  
'I guess because I know just because I think something is wrong it doesn't make it so. But I know I will never accept what you do even if I accept you.'  
'That sounds fair, Tiff."  
'You see when I was younger I think I would have accepted anything. I never knew we were poor until recently. I just knew Lochie worked really hard looking after us, I knew we made do with things but that just made things more important. I was never envious of friends who had lots of stuff.'  
'I know, you were always very easy going, not like Kit.' Tiffin smiled.  
'But I knew there was something different about our family especially when mum started just coming and going.'  
'Yes it was difficult.'  
'But I thought it was different in a good way...I liked that I had you and Lochie.'  
'So doesn't that help?'  
'No, because he lied to me.'  
'He didn't ever lie.'  
'By not telling me why he came back from Sydney he lied. He lied by omission.'  
'How could he tell you then? How could he tell you he had made me pregnant?'  
'If he could do it, he could have told me. I asked him why you were so sad. I wanted him to tell me.'  
'He wanted to protect you..'  
'But he didn't...he confused me. That you could be so sad, that you had just started to have men stay over. That you started wearing rings."  
Okay so we hadn't been subtle I thought.  
'But I thought if there was something he would tell me. So now I don't know what else you aren't telling me.'  
'I think we told you everything.'  
'But do you do anything else?'  
'What do you mean?'  
'Kit says you are just ordinary..'  
'I think we are.'  
'But do you do anything else weird?'  
' I don't know what you mean by that. I think some things are private Tiffin.'  
'Yes I suppose so.'  
'But if you want to know if we are faithful to each other we are. Apart from sharing marijuana occasionally we don't do drugs. We go to work, we clean the house, we go out, we might get drunk sometimes and we have lots of sex. So yes, pretty much like any other 20 something couple round here who try to live an ordinary life and love each other very much. Does that make you feel sick still?'  
'No it doesn't. Maybe just sad.'  
'I don't think that's wrong. You said you don't understand it and in a way I don't either. It's like trying to understand an episode of Star Trek.'  
Tiffin laughed.  
'You know it makes much more sense if you don't try to understand it.'  
'Yeah I suppose.'  
'But you have to understand Lochie. He didn't tell you about us, but like you said, you never felt poor. But we were. Especially when mum was spending all her money on drink. Do you remember the empty cupboards?'  
'Not really,' he admitted.  
'Do you know we had to reuse tea bags and water down the milk?'  
'No.'  
'Remember how you used to complain about doing your school work and doing your paper round?'  
'Er, yeah.'  
'Well imagine what Lochie had to do, work, kids, school, everything.' Tiffin was chewing on the inside if his cheek 'Did you ever wonder why you got new trainers and Lochie dressed himself in charity shop clothes?'  
'Er, I thought that was his style, he always looked good.'  
'Yes he did, but he didn't have a choice. He spent the money on you because he never wanted you to be without, he didn't care about himself.'  
'Oh I didn't know...'  
'Well of course not, that was the point. Without him we would have had miserable little lives. But with him we have been happy, haven't we?'  
'Yes but...'  
'But you should know that I really pursued him. He wanted me but he would have let it go. I really believe he is a very special person. That's probably why I love him like I do.'  
'Ok...'  
'So if you have forgiven me you have to forgive him.'  
'Yes but I just wish it wasn't true.'  
'But I don't. How could I wish away loving someone so much, and being loved back so deeply.'  
'But is it love?'  
'I believe it is. I think at first it wasn't, it was just need. But now I think it's the best kind of love there is. It's deeper. It has more meaning exactly because there is a risk to it. There's no seediness about why we live each other like this. Do you want to hear this?'  
'Ok, if you want to tell me.'  
'Well Lochie and I were both isolated because of how mum was, drunk on the sofa, disappearing...we were really afraid if we told anyone though we'd be taken in to care and that would be worse. So we couldn't even confide in anyone, just each other. So we had that together from a young age. We became reliant on each other and I guess we were older than our years so when we wanted to comfort each other we wanted affection. And there wasn't a parent to put an arm round our shoulder or anything and we were teenagers so we felt these urges....shall I go on?'  
'Yes, but not too much detail.'  
'Okay, well for me, seeing how he loved you three kids really like he was your parent even though he was virtually my age was very attractive, because that's what was missing in our home. He was responsible, thoughtful, generous. So there wasn't that automatic 'ugh' reflex that you are meant to have for a sibling when your hormones go crazy. Instead I wanted love from him but I didn't need parenting, I was used to that void, like he was. And I didn't need love like a brother might usually give, I had that from all of you. What I needed was something physical, and because we kept details of our home life secret from everyone already....'  
'Okay..'  
'Well, once we both knew we were having the same feelings in our minds and bodies it didn't seem so much of a step to go that bit further. And yes, there was lust.... Lochie has always been so handsome and sensitive...'  
'Less of that please.'  
'Oh yes sorry...so any the first time was so good because we had really waited for it.'  
'Maya!'  
'No I'm just telling you because Kit probably told you it was then that mum came round and I guess it could have stopped right there. But it was like we already had a bond together. We had so little, but we had each other. We had only ever thought of other people, well that's true of Lochie, and I don't think either of us could bear to lose that. So he basically said to mum it was true but we liked it that way. And you know I think she understood that because of her our lives had been pretty crap - or they would have been without you kids. And she could either take away that little bit of happiness we had or just let us be.'  
'And that's what she did?'  
'Yes well she was never conventional herself and I guess she felt to blame. And to be honest, it just made it easier for her to turn her back on us'  
'Was she to blame?'  
'Partly, I believe so. We were socially isolated, because of her, and we were emotionally dependent on each other like we shouldn't have been. But if the result of that was love and responsibility, don't you think we just found something good in a bad place?'  
'Yes, I know what you are saying.'  
'And once you have this bond, once you have broken this taboo well it just makes it you against the world. So although I have been with Lochie since I was 16 I don't doubt I will be with him for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be with other people but Lochie said I should. And now I'm pleased I did it as I can honestly say I know what love is, and I have it with Lochie. I did try to be with other people, and Lochie did too. But it wasn't the same. Sex for us doesn't have the same meaning without love, and the love we have for each other has so much depth nothing else could ever compare to it.'  
'But that can't be right Maya, or everyone would do it.'   
'I can't speak for anyone else. But that's where our circumstances lead us, and I'm not ashamed. I know you will never really be able to understand it, to feel what we feel, but that's the truth for us Tiffin. I think it is good. It helps us concentrate on one thing, family, because we still support each other to support you. I wish I could explain more fully how beautiful it is to be with him like that but maybe when you are older and find someone special you will understand a bit. Because I guess it's like that only better because you know that person really does know all your faults but they still love you. And you know that they really do care for you, forever.'  
'You make it sound like it's perfect."   
'Well, we have had our ups and downs, but that's mainly when we were worried about what other people would think. But yes, between ourselves I think we know it is perfect. But if you can't forgive Lochie, you know what, it will hurt him badly, but he will understand. Because that's who he is.'  
'Ok. Maya, I get it but I can't say it's ok when it's not. It is different. I need time. Please.'  
'I know Tiff. I love you. We both do. I'll leave it with you. Thank you for listening to what I had to say.'  
'That's okay.'  
'Are you going home now?'  
'Yes.'  
'I'll be coming over after work tomorrow okay?'  
'Yes sure. Just you?'  
'Yes just me.'  
'Ok I will see you then.' He kissed me goodbye.

I went over to Lochie. He was just sitting on the sand looking out to sea. I sat next to him and took his hand in mine.  
'I was selfish to want to come here,' he said. ' I don't think we will ever find somewhere we can be happy. I guess I should be used to that now.'  
'But I'm happy.'  
'How can you say that, Tiffin's been in this mood for weeks?'  
'Because I have you like I never had you before. Look, we are on a beach and I can kiss you.' So I did. I pulled him up, kissing him and holding my hands.  
'This is my husband,' I called out to some seagulls nearby. 'I love him!'  
Lochie tried to shush me, he didn't want any attention, but I continued laughing kissing him and calling out, making him laugh too.  
An elderly couple walked by arm in arm and heard me.  
'Thats very nice dear, you look after each other and you might end up like us.'  
We smiled at them, and I told them I hoped so.  
Lochie picked me up in his arms, spun around and then fell down into the sand.  
'Yes Maya I'm happy with you too, even if I don't sing and dance about it...How can you always be so bright and positive?'  
'You don't really need to ask, do you?'  
He smiled a shy smile at me as I ran my fingers through his hair.  
'But look at Tiffin...you were talking for a long time...I don't know what I can do. He won't change him mind. He doesn't want to be near me.'  
I leant into him. 'I think it's hard for him.'  
'I know.'  
'He just needs time.'  
'I don't know about that...he hates me.'  
'No he doesn't.'  
'How do you know?'  
'He told me.'  
'He did...what did he say?'  
'He said he loves you.'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Yes, he said it himself. And he wanted you to know.'  
'He did?'  
'Yes he said to tell you. He said "Tell Lochie I love him."'  
Lochie turned to me and said 'You must have said the right thing. What would I do with out you Maya?'  
I kissed him ''you will never...'I kissed him a second time...'ever' I kissed him again 'ever' more kisses 'have to find out.'


	23. Lochan

It pained me that my brother hated me. I couldn't go near the house for a few weeks - that was one of Tiffin's demands. He relented only because of Willa, and even then he would lock himself away. I was glad he would talk to Maya. I think he is right to blame me, as the man in the relationship. Men are stronger. It is more easy for men to manipulate by threatening violence. And of course I was older so I guess Tiffin thought I had influenced Maya, groomed her. I knew I would be viewed like that, though Maya kept saying to me time and time again that that wasn't what happened with us at all anyway. But I understand Tiffin's point of view. Maya says she wanted me more, sooner than I would allow, but I know how my body reacted to her, I tried to delay things, but I knew it would happen, so I am responsible. I guess looking back it was meant to be. That is the string the Fates spun for me, and I have been tied to it ever since. And I have to admit to myself, though it's difficult for so many reasons, I'm glad simply because I have found the woman I want to share my life with.

For someone who has never been to church, apart from a few Christmas carol services as a child, I do seem to carry a lot of guilt. But this argument with Tiffin forced me to consider what is good and bad about my relationship with Maya and about me. I'm a quiet person - not introverted- and happy like that, good at my work and supportive of my family but it's my love for Maya, emotional and physical, that completes me. The way she asks me to pleasure her body, the way I can succeed in doing so, the way we both reach this feeling of ecstasy really is perfection for me. It is almost a spiritual experience, I don't know if that's strange, but it was consideration of this that lead me to go into a church one Sunday morning as the service was starting when I went walking down to the harbour to get the papers and coffee.

I slipped in the back unnoticed. The church wasn't like the happy clappy one I knew in my street, back home. This was very formal, but not austere. I've always liked images of Jesus and Mary even though to be honest I don't know if I believe in God. I like the fact that others believe, if it makes them good people, not bigots. And I studied religious verse from about the 10th century at university. So I was trying to remember some of that when they came round with the collection. I was looking at a statue of Mary looking so sad but loving, even as she cradled her infant son, when a velvet and wooden purse was passed to me. I was not ready for it so caused a delay as I reached for my wallet. I don't know why but I just put all my crisp notes I'd withdrawn from the cashpoint just that morning in there. It was about $250. I then listened to the service on forgiveness, and I liked all the rituals, the blood, the wine, even though I couldn't join in. I wanted to leave before the end, but I found it very peaceful and wasn't sure when it would end anyway. Maya had been sleeping when I left so wouldn't miss me.

In the end at the the end of the service I decided to wait in my pew to avoid people at the door, but in fact that gave one of the priests, dressed in black to come and talk to me.  
'Good morning son, I have not seen you here before,' he remarked.  
'No, I am fairly knew to Sydney, and to be honest I don't really go to church,' I replied.  
'I see, I am glad that you have come today. But one of my assistants was concerned that you may have not have realised how much money you put in the collection?'  
'Oh yes, well I don't really know, I just gave all I had.'  
'Well, I will tell you I believe it was $270. Is that how much you would like to give?'  
'Yes it's okay. I haven't given anything before, and I'm unlikely to come again.'  
'Well your generosity is much appreciated, and it will go towards the upkeep of this beautiful building and our outreach work in the community.'  
'Yes that's fine, thank you.' I tried to make my exit.  
'Before you go, my child, can I enquire not to the details, but perhaps the emotions that brought you to our door, today?'  
'Well I was curious.'  
'Yes, there comes a time when people are.'  
'Yes, I'm afraid I didn't listen to everything that was said but I was interested in the sermon on forgiveness.'  
'Does that relate to anyone in your life?'  
'Yes I suppose it does.' Then I explained, 'I suppose I need to forgive myself.'  
'That is one of the hardest things of all. But god sees all, he can forgive you.'  
'Yes but it's not something I did, it's something I do.' This was turning into a confession, but I suppose they are used to it.  
'And you want to change?'  
'No, that's it, I don't.' He looked concerned so I explained as much as I could, it felt good to be able to talk to another person about my relationship with Maya, however vague I was being. And I guess I was not just talking to another person at all.  
'I'm in love with someone whom I shouldn't be, and I always will be.'  
'Yes, I understand. And who says you should not be in love with this person?'  
'Society, and the church.'  
'And yet you came here?'  
'Yes.'  
'Then I will tell you some words on this matter, spoken by our Pope: 'If someone', such as you, 'searches for The Lord and has good will who am I to judge?''  
He clearly thought I was gay.  
'Well I don't know if I'm actually searching for God.'  
'It seems to me as though you might not know yourself as well as you think. But tell me in your heart do you think you have a good will?'  
'Yes I do. I certainly try to.'  
'Then, my son the sentiment applies.'  
I felt it was perhaps a bit dishonest to be talking at cross purposes, but I answered that particular question in good faith.  
'So you appreciate it is that what matters more to God than the money you have generously given?'  
'Yes I see that.'  
'Then I hope you will find your way to our door again. And whomever you would like to bring with you would be welcomed too.'  
'Ah, yes. Thank you for your time.'  
'May The Lord go with you.'  
I left the church and with the change in my pockets I bought the papers and I had enough for a coffee for Maya. I don't know if it was the church, the priest, something in me or something else but I did feel lighter, like I could really forgive myself for loving Maya so much, and for so long. I kind of thought it didn't matter that the Priest didn't understand what I was talking about, exactly. It just made me realise no one could really appreciate what had lead us to this. Except Maya and me. After all this time we both knew what we had and it was no one else's business. It felt like a weight had been lifted from me, like my own personal absolution.

I had talked to Maya about having a vasectomy. I didn't have the same desire for children as Maya. I think though I could see the attraction of creating a baby, bringing up a child together because of my love for her, in our case there was a barrier I did not want to cross. Not only because of the physical factors, but the emotional factors for the child too, as they grew up. Maya felt the risks were worth it, but she respected my thoughts. We still agreed she could in the future use a sperm donor if ever we wanted a child - she thought she could do that. That child would still share my DNA anyway, but she asked me not to have the operation in case her first miscarriage has been to do with her, and because she wanted me to have a child with a surrogate in the future too. I didn't see the harm in keeping options open if that made her happy. There were other reasons why in fact neither of us wanted children for a while anyway. For a start being able to live openly as a couple was new for us and really made our relationship beautiful. We didn't take any of the small things like holding hands in public for granted, so the slightest touch was significant for us. My arm round her shoulder on the beach, a kiss even on the cheek outdoors became a heightened pleasure. Guilt free sex also made the physical side better. I'd always known in myself that the reason I'd been attracted to Maya was nothing to do with being excited about breaking a taboo anyway. So we had all of that to enjoy before we even thought about having a family. Besides because our own childhoods had been devoted to bringing up our siblings, as much as I had enjoyed it, I needed a break. I just wanted to be a couple for a while, and though Kit had taken over daily responsibilities, both Maya and I were there for Wiilla regularly throughout the week once Tiffin allowed it. And finally although there's only 12 years between Willa and me, and Ian is in contact with her fortnightly, she says she can't think of him as her father, because she says that is the role I fulfilled. I thought Ian would be involved more, but he soon treated Willa and Tiifin as a novelty that had worn off. They were too old to be taken to the zoo and homework help was simply not what he was interested in. He would drive them to one of the national parks for walks when he wanted to do something like that, which left me in charge of Willa for her education and things like that - and I would have done the same for Tiffin had he allowed it. I still provided financially for Willa and Tiffin, though he chose to ignore it. But anyway I still felt involved in the family which was rewarding for me.

Gradually Tiffin came around a bit. I know it was hard for him, and I don't think he will ever accept it. I guess although he isn't religious it's like hating the sin but loving the sinners. I think his relationship with Maya is more or less back to normal. He will sit next to her, hug her, laugh with her without self consciousness. With me he is more formal in his manner, his conversation, his posture. He has joined me for things like surfing in a group but just kicking a ball on a beach with me is awkward.  
When he first let me return to the bungalow I saw he had been watching dramas about brother sister incest and reading books about it too. That's something I had always avoided but I was curious about what was shaping his ideas about me. As it happened many of the films were art house, and were liberal about the presentation of incest. Generally they were sympathetic and told of a sweet love story against a background of emotional turmoil, which I can relate to. However they, novels as well, always proceeded to a state of melancholy that resulted in the death or suicide of one if not both of the protagonists. I thought that was quite depressing for me and damaging for Tiffin. It was as if the film makers and novelists would be sympathetic up to a point, and then seek punishment for the characters as a means of closure. I spoke to Tiff about it to remind him that these things were not real life. Yes, I had passion for Maya. But the rest of my life had always been filled with down to earth ordinariness and responsibility and though I questioned myself I had never been depressed about anything. That wasn't me. I asked Maya if she had ever felt so low about us and she said when she returned from Sydney the first time, when I stayed behind, that was her lowest point. But her sadness only convinced her that we had to be together someday. Even with the possible addition of mood swings due to her pregnancy she was nowhere near suicidal. She felt our love was vital, it kept her going, quite the opposite of these movies. So we told Tiffin that he shouldn't look to those sources for information, when he could talk to us, but he actually taked to Maya and Kit more than me, so I didn't push it. At the end of the day the characters in these stories related to me and Maya, it wasn't relevant to him.


	24. Maya

Though Tiffin eventually allowed both Lochie and I back into his life, it was never the same as before he found out about us. I know he still loved me and was kind and good like he always was. He didn't go off the rails, but as he went through his final years of school he wasn't the extrovert I thought he was going to be. He had plenty of friends, but I don't know if he had many good friends. He didn't bring many people home. In a way he reminded me a bit of Lochie at that age, but I guess that's part of the problem, Tiffin knew he was like him, and I think he was frightened to think how much he was, as if in different circumstances he could have been like us.

We saw him on nights out occasionally, by accident. Sometimes he would be with mates but we saw him with the same girl a few times. He hadn't told us he had a girlfriend. Once we had to introduce ourselves and the girl, Grace said she could tell Tiff and Lochie were brothers, and wasn't it funny, I looked similar to Willa when I smiled. I think Tiffin just wanted the ground to swallow him up. I think he finished it with Grace shortly afterwards. There was another girl, Cody who he was with quite a while though, Kit generally knew what Tiff was doing, and though we saw him at least once a week, he never came to our apartment. 

He finished school with good rather than excellent grades which he had been on track for...I think Lochie and I contributed to that. Lochie could have helped him with his studies, but Tiff didn't want that. After school he said he would take a gap year but in fact was in his 2nd gap year, travelling round the country, working on farms when we got a call from Martin, mum's second husband, to say if we wanted to say goodbye, now was the time. They still lived in Spain, in a cave house outside Granada. Mum had been ill we knew, from liver failure. She was still an alcoholic so had been very low on the list for a transplant, but I was surprised it had happened so soon. When Kit last saw mum he had told her if she ever needed her children again she must not speak about Lochie and me to anyone. Talking to Martin I felt confident he didn't know. So Kit made arrangements to fly out, I said I'd go too and Willa wanted to as well. Lochie said he wouldn't go - he felt she wouldn't want to see him, and we couldn't get in touch with Tiffin in time.

So the three of us arrived in Granada. Martin was actually pleasant, I guess he had no reason to be otherwise. When we sold the house in Bexham, mum had taken her half and the other half - dad's half - was split 4 ways between all of us except Lochie. Considering for years Dad paid nothing that was fair, and mum got a good deal which I could see she had invested in her Spanish home. It was two cave houses knocked into one so there were about 6 large rooms - two were like enormous caverns, which was appropriate. There was a patio and it sat in its own arid land.  
We went to see Mum in hospital the same day we arrived, she was very weak. She smiled at Willa and Kit in particular, but she held my hand. She said I reminded her of my father, which surprised me as it is the boys in the family who take after dad, but maybe she saw something in me. She asked us if we were, if we had been happy. We all answered yes. 'Yes,' she said. 'I think I did the right thing, you were better off without me.' At that point, I realised it was not time for a debate or to apportion blame. She asked a few questions about Tiff but spoke of Lochie only once, as if he was still a child. 'I know he was a good boy,' she whispered. 'I wish I could have loved him more like a mother should. Maybe that would have helped.' Though we visited every day for the next few days she didn't manage to talk to us again. When she died in the night a few days later, Kit and Martin were with her.

We stayed in Spain for a few days, for the funeral. I took Willa to the Alhambra and went shopping, I guess we didn't feel that sad about mum, more sad for her. Kit hired a bike and went on some long trips. Towards the end of our stay I got food poisoning, so Martin was quite good I think - he took Willa to a spa in an old monastery nearby so she got a pamper day while he came back to the cave house to sort things out, he said he'd probably stay on inSpain even without mum, and I had to stay in bed, I was so ill. Then after a few more days we set off home.

I didn't want to believe that it was true so I left it a while. I didn't want Lochie to think I had deceived him. So I even went to a clinic to check, to confirm what I thought was true, I was pregnant again. I had taken the pill effectively for the past year after I had my IUD removed because of bleeding. Lochie had asked me to have it fitted when I asked him not to have a vasectomy. He felt there was less room for error. But when I said I had to use the pill again he didn't bring up the subject again. The nurse said my trip to Spain had probably messed up timings, and that combined with my food poisoning my body had allowed an ovulation. We should have used a condom for a week when I got back, but we didn't.

When I told Lochie, he was calm, but didn't say much. I told him it was an accident, I'd never stopped taking the pill and he just nodded. He said he just needed to think. So 3 hours later we still hadn't talked. It was 10pm and he said he would go for a walk to the opera house, but I guessed he might try to go to St Mary's. He goes there about once every couple of months though he doesn't talk about it much and never asks me to go with him. He came back just after midnight I was still up.  
He looked tired, and his eyes were red.  
'Ok Maya. Tell me what you want to do.' I was not yet 12 weeks pregnant and I had told him, before he went out, we should decide together.  
'Well...in an ideal world I'd want to keep the baby,' I answered.  
'But it isn't an ideal world. We live in this one. So what do you want to do?'  
'I love you Lochie. I want to have children. I just can't imagine aborting our baby.'  
'So you want to keep it?'  
'Yes.'  
'You know what that means? The baby may be unhealthy.'  
'I think for us that's really unlikely...'  
'But if anyone finds out at any point that child would be taken away from us.'  
'I know.'  
'And if that happens we would both go to prison for a long time.'  
'I know but we have been ok for years...'  
'But you know a child makes it different. Even Tiffin may not like it...'  
'I know...'  
'And how would we live? What relationship could I have with my own child in front of Ian?  
'We could work something out...'  
'There's lots of things to think about..'  
'I know.'  
'So with all those problems, what do you want, my love?'  
'I want you to stay with me, and I want to keep our baby.'  
'I'm not going any where.'  
'So?'  
'So you have to remember we have made this decision together.'  
'We have?'  
'Yes I think we have. If God allows it, we are going to have a baby.' He the picked me up and carried me back to bed. His clothes were off in seconds and he made love to me as if it was the start and the end of everything.

We told Kit and Willa about the baby after I had passed the 12 week mark at which I had miscarried before, but before I started to show. Willa was happy at the prospect of being an Aunty and she didn't mention the fact that that relationship was two fold. She just told me everything would be all right. Kit was philosophical, saying he didn't think it was right but he knew it would happen one day, that part he believed was human nature. I could tell he was nervous. When Lochie said he could take Willa to any university she wanted to go to in Australia or the Uk after her gap year, Kit said he would do it. This would happen after the baby was born, but I don't think Kit was worried about us spending time with the baby, he just thought we might not be around anymore, that we might be in prison.

We couldn't get in touch with Tiffin even if we wanted to, he was still travelling around the country working on farms and ranches. He would call or send texts sometimes, but less than even poor signal would warrant. We decided it was better if he found out after the baby arrived if he didn't come home before then. Then there would either be good or bad news....

I told Dad I was having a baby once I started to show and after the first scan went ok. I told him that the father was uninterested and I could no longer get in touch with him. I think he was disappointed in me but he has long understood that he is not relevant in my life, although I am friendly enough. He has a better relationship with Willa. Kit keeps his distance still but Lochie has tried to spend more time with him. They have never been like father and son, despite their physical likeness. I think Dad is a bit envious of him really, how he has managed to look after his siblings, have a career, have respect.

The second scan went well too. I asked if the baby's head and heart were normal and silly questions like that but I guess a lot of expectant mothers are like that. The technician said yes the baby was all in proportion and it's heart was strong. As my date approached I grew more and more nervous. I decided to have a home birth, but at the bungalow, our flat wasn't really suitable. Partly I thought if we were away from hospital, and there was something wrong with the baby, I would have a chance to hold him or her a little bit longer, before they took them away.

When the contractions came I waited for as long as I could before we drove to the bungalow and I called my midwife. I was really close to needing to push before she even arrived. I swore at Lochie and cursed myself, 'Why did I do it?' I yelled.  
Lochie held my hand and rubbed my back as much as I would let him. He must have been as frightened as me but he didn't show it. He was calm and good and loving like he always is. The birth took longer than I thought it would, sometimes the midwife was cross with me for not pushing hard enough as once or twice I think I just wanted to keep the baby inside me a little longer. I didn't mind the pain, I had no gas and air or anything else. I felt I deserved the pain and I wanted to be conscious of every millisecond of the birthing process, with the baby pressing forward towards the destiny we had given it and with Lochie's hands touching my face, my body and speaking to me so softly.

But with one last push it was over and our baby a girl, drew her first breath. the midwife drew her all sticky onto my chest, and Lochie cut the cord that had tied her to me. I felt elated. I looked at Lochie for reassurance. He nodded at me and kissed me. I thought he looked incredibly proud of his baby.  
'Is the baby...well?' he asked the midwife.  
'You have a perfect baby daughter. Yes she has the right number of fingers and toes.. I'm just going to take her measurements in a moment.' She then took the baby from me and helped Lochie clean her and wipe her down. The nurse weighed her, 3.5 kgs, a good size. She had soft dark hair like her father and grey eyes. She was beautiful, and she was ours.

We named our daughter Freya. The goddess of love and war. We thought the former reflected how she was made and the later was a reminder of the battles she may have ahead, though hopefully we could protect her. We loved her completely. I don't think either of us believed that we had made her together. I was very tearful for the first few weeks. I couldn't hide it from family or friends who visited. Some suggested I might have post natal depression but it wasn't that. Lochie understood. Firstly I couldn't believe we had been able to take her home. I dreamt that someone would knock on our door and tell us they were taking her away because she hadn't passed a test, or I dreamt that the police were coming for Lochie. Secondly for years I had believed that society was right to label every case of brother sister incest in the same way. But if Lochie and I loved each other and could create beautiful babies was it really so wrong? And in every way Freya did seem perfect. She was attentive, quick to smile, strong in her reflexes, and very very easy to look after, because she is calm and peaceful like her father. So day by day my nightmares and tears disappeared. I thought that was a good time to get in touch with Tiffin. He hadn't come home all the time I had been pregnant. I don't know, maybe he didn't think of Sydney as home anymore. We had talked periodically, sometimes once a week, sometimes not a couple of months at a time. He said it was flown to the signal, he often took farm or building work where there was no connection at all. I didn't like it at all. I had hoped that he would vote home and see the baby , see how perfect she was and maybe think it was okay for Lochie and me to love each other in the way we did after all. But when he didn't, I knew I had to call him. I wasn't going to pretend my beautiful baby didn't exist. Luckily, the first time I plucked up the courage to call him about Freya, he answered the phone. First we just made small talk. Tiffin is always entertaining. It first seem like we talk together so rarely. I love speaking with him, and I think Tiffin always sounds happy with mr. Today was no exception. But I knew I had to talk to him seriously. I did dread the fact that he might find the news appalling.  
'Tiffin,' I mumbled 'I have some important news to tell you..'  
'Don't sound so nervous, Maya.'  
'But you might not like it...'  
'Maya, I know what you want to tell me. I was just waiting for you to say...Congratulations.It's wonderful news.'  
'Oh..Kit told you I guess?' I thought Kit was good at keeping secrets? But then I realised, he probably didn't want Tiffin to be late getting the news...again.  
'Yes, he told me. I can guess why you didn't want to tell me, Maya. That's my fault not yours. Of course I'm happy for you, I hear Freya is lovely.' 'Yes, Tiffin, she is. I wish you could meet her. When will you come home?'  
'Not yet, Maya, I can't yet.'  
'Are you in any trouble Tiff? He seemed adamant, rather than worried.'  
'No, Maya I promise you it's not that.  
'Then what is it?'  
'Nothing Maya, nothing. Just saving up. Let's talk about the baby. Lochie is standing by you isn't he?  
'Yes of course.'  
'It's just I remember he said he wouldn't have children?'  
'Well things turned out a bit differently, but he is very happy, we love her. We can't believe we made her but I guess all parents feel that way. She's perfect Tiffin.' I still wanted to stress that, but to be honest I think Tiffin just seemed so pleased for me that her perfect health didn't seem to matter.  
'I know Maya, I know. And you will be the perfect mother. But if anything changes, if Lochie changes his mind..' 'He won't Tiff, we are a family now.'  
'I know, I know, but if something changes...' I knew what he was alluding to, in case Freya's birth lead to our discovery. 'If anything happens you call me. I will come back then, you don't have to rely on Kit. I will be there. I will look after you Maya. Do you understand?'  
'It's okay Tiff, I think we will be okay.'  
'No Maya. I don't want you to think you have to keep protecting me. You didn't need to hide your pregnancy from me. I can cope. Tell me Maya. I need you to say it. Tell me, if you need me, you will let me know.'  
'Yes Tiffin, if it comes to that, if I need you I will tell you.'  
'Good. Now let's talk about the happy stuff. Tell me more about Freya.'

I think I surprised myself that I could talk for half an hour about baby matters to my 20 year old brother. But Toffin was kind and interested in everything. At the end of the conversation, I told him this.  
'Tiffin, when I talk to you it's as if we have never been apart. You know we want you back. Do you think you will come back to us?'  
'Yes Maya. One day, I don't know when, but I promise you I will be back.'  
'We said goodbye and when I finished the call I felt terribly sad. To be honest I missed him so much I needed him already. I just wished he would come home.   


It was awkward when Dad came to visit to see his first grandchild. He has seldom come to our home, although door to door the journey is about an hour. We had to remove all cards from friends that said congratulations to Maya and Lochie, and made sure the bedrooms looked like they were both used. Dad wasn't a natural with babies but affectionate enough. He said the baby was definitely a Whitely, which was very true...He asked me about the father again and I said he just wasn't around, he wouldn't be back. There was no father's name on the birth certificate, but Dad didn't know that. I had to put her surname as Whitely as otherwise our daughter would question why she did not have her father's name. I told Dad I was going back to using my old name. I thought he would be pleased, but he didn't seem to be. He asked if I needed any money for baby things, and I said no, I'd manage. And he asked if it was time Lochie and I got separate apartments? Maybe that would have made my relationship with the father easier. I said no, that didn't make any difference, and I'd rather Lochie stay for a bit longer. I reminded him that Lochie was very good at looking after small children - he'd looked after Willa since she was a baby more or less. That stopped Dad's questions, but maybe I had been nervously fiddling with my silver ring too much.

Lochie took two weeks off work to help me after Freya was born. Of course he was a natural with the baby. When he went back to work it was still he who would wake first when Freya cried in the night to be fed. He would sit with me as I nursed her then lay her gently back in her crib. It was times like that that he would hold me and say 'Making this little person is the best thing we have ever done. You were right, Maya, you always are.' And that reminded me how long ago, seeing him take on responsibilities that adults had shed, the love I had for him as my brother fell away and was replaced by something deeper, more permanent. And watching him now cradling his own child, I loved him even more. He was the very best of men. On Sunday mornings from when she was about a month old he would take her with him on his walk, in a sling to get the papers, and sit by the harbour. He would tell me when he had taken her to St Mary's - he was going more often now. He often would not manage the full service because although he would take a bottle of my milk she preferred me, so at first his time away from me was limited. Also on those Sunday walks he would never take his mobile with him, so I couldn't call him if I had forgotten to ask him to pick something up. He said he liked Sydney when it was quiet and he just wanted time completely alone with his baby and not think about anything else, because she was precious to him.

I was completely happy, and I was in no hurry to return to work. With Lochie's promotion to assistant marketing manager at the publishers we were secure financially, plus I had my maternity pay from my design work. I enjoyed my work, but I enjoyed being with Freya more. In fact Lochie said we could rent a bigger unfurnished house with a garden, slightly further out if we wanted. We had the money from the sale of the house in Bexham in the bank, plus Lochie's salary. The only problem was that a bigger house would look to dad as if our living arrangements were too permanent. But we had now been living like this for over 3 years, so we started to look at houses, planning another new phase in our life together.


	25. Lochan

I don't know why but when Maya told me she was pregnant I wasn't surprised. I really thought it was meant to be. My thoughts on things had changed since going to church though I only attend very intermittently. I went out for a walk that night when Maya told me. Maybe I should have stayed with her, she could not have known what I was thinking. But I just wanted things clear in my head. I cried for everything I might lose, my reputation, my career , my freedom, my family, my baby, Maya. But I was selfish, I wanted to have what other people can have so easily, I wanted a child with the woman I love.

Maya was the epitome of a beautiful expectant mother. She carried herself with grace and poise as her pregnant belly started to swell. Having not had the joy of knowingly making the baby together I made the most of making love to her whilst she was pregnant. There was almost something erotic in the perfection and power of her body to create new life which combined with her heightened sensitivity made sex even more satisfying.  
Once we had made our decision to keep the baby we didn't talk about it again. We knew the seriousness of what we had done. But I wasn't going to let that ruin the enjoyment of the baby's arrival or of thinking of our future as a family.

In fact I probably began to forget there was anything different at all about us. One evening, Maya was about 6 months pregnant, we had just said goodby to Willa and Kit in their home. Maya hadn't fancied eating much for dinner but now on her way home she was desperate for a chai latte. She had gone from loving to hating to loving again very sweet things. So we popped into a cafe just down the road from the bungalow. There was a queue of about 5 or 6 people in front of us. Although Maya's bump was still neat the way she has to sleep at night sometimes hurts her back so she was fidgety in the queue as we stood still. I slipped my hand under her shirt to rub her back and felt her arch against me. I turned to whisper nothings into her ear, my lips just brushing against her skin just short of a kiss, like she likes. She smiled and laughed and put her hand on my chest.  
'Next!' came the call from the till.  
I ordered the drinks.  
'Oh you're Ian's son?' asked the barista.  
My hand was holding on to the waistband at the back of Maya's skirt. Our bodies were still in close proximity. I didn't even recognise this person. How did she know me?  
'I live opposite Ian,' she revealed. 'I'm Ellen.'  
'Oh right yes.' I think she could see I didn't place her  
'I moved in 3 months ago?'  
'Okay. Yes. The house with the big eucalyptus?'  
'Yes that's right.'  
'Great. Hope you like Manly. Thanks for the coffee. Keep the change.'  
We then hurried out the cafe. 'I think we will have to keep a low profile round here whilst you are pregnant,' I suggested. 'People love baby news, we will be easily spotted if we act like...like we want to,' I warned. Luckily the houses are generously spaced in Manly and I had made a point of never talking to Ian's neighbours. But it was clear the longer we lived in Sydney the more likely we would be recognised as brother and sister in Manly and as partners on the other side of the bridge. However even this close call could not deflate the happiness I felt as the due date approached.

Maya was anxious when her contractions started, I think she realised this was it, it could go either way. I had no idea how anyone could guess that the baby was conceived through incest. It's not something you can ask about at ante natal clinics. All scans showed normal development so I suspected only if something transpired later, such as a heart condition, learning difficulties etc, would anyone know. However I felt nervous too, but knew that showing it would not help Maya. During the birth, everything was going well, except near the end I could see Maya was growing tired. I told her I could see our baby emerging from inside her and held her hand so she could push through the pain. I just knew straight away that our daughter was perfect and I had someone new in my life to love. Maya was completely beautiful and serene after the birth. She reminded me of the statues of Mary I like to look at when I go to church. I knew she was always meant for this.

Two weeks at home with Maya and Freya wasn't enough. But I know I have got a lifetime with my family. I can't understand how any father can leave their child behind, as mine did. I love everything about being a father, I guess that responsibility is something I am used to. I love seeing Maya take Freya to her breast, I love holding Freya close to me and soothing her when she cries. Maya asked me before Freya was born if I wanted to have the vasectomy done seeing as birth control had failed. But I didn't want to. Then when we resumed sex a few weeks after the birth she asked again, but I told her I would one day but if she wanted, I wanted to have another baby with her. One we could plan for. She was was delighted that I should want that. I think she still felt I had only said yes to having Freya because she was already on the way, but I wanted her to know that wasn't so. I may have preferred to wait a few years but I had already known that I would want a family with her. My only suggestion was we should do it quickly. We seemed to have got away with having Freya. She was developing well, in the following months she showed a lot of interest in the world and people around her, and by 4 months she was already starting to cover ground just by rolling. She seemed absolutely fine. So I asked Maya how she felt about trying for a baby so soon. One reason I put to her was that if anything should be wrong with our second child we would lose Freya and I didn't want her to remember too much about us if she had to start a new life. But though I verbalised this fear I really felt we would be okay. So we started to try for a baby then. When you have are used to having sex purely for pleasure, it does seem different when you start having sex for a purpose. I liked it. More than ever I was aware of being one with Maya. Maybe I imagined it, but even the way Maya arched into me, the way she whispered my name was different, even more sensual. Even though we had a new baby to look after, our determination to conceive quickly also meant we were both very dedicated to the task.

We also continued to look for a house further west big enough for Willa to live with us if she needed to when she finished university, to free Kit to live his life more fully, but hadn't found anything yet. Tiffin I suspected would never return home now. We also bought a car as before, as city people, we had been in walking distance of work and backpacked into the forests at weekends. Now as a family things were different, richer, better. I couldn't believe how far we had come.


	26. Lochan

Maya fell pregnant with our second child when Freya was 6 months old. It was difficult for her being pregnant, looking after Freya and living on the fourth floor. But Freya was a dear sweet baby like I remembered Willa had been. I think perhaps it was because her arrival triggered memories for our own father that he became more interested in us. With Maya not working she found it difficult to discourage his visits. She said she was still in contact with the father of this second child, but he had no plans to be involved with it. Ian said he would like to meet him, but Maya said no, he had moved to Perth. She said rather than pay maintenance he had given her a clean break settlement, to allow her to add that to money from the Bexham house and therefore help to rent a bigger home. I thought that was quite a good cover. I, she said, would stay in the flat until I found somewhere smaller, more central, whatever. I thought that gave us some time. When he came round to us I would make some excuse to go out. I didn't want him to see how attentive Freya was to me, and I wasn't going to play games which confused my own child. It was difficult though as I was devoted to her as she was to me.

The birth of our son was easier for Maya. He was another perfect human being. Freya had my colouring and though her features were round and soft we thought she was going to take after me in looks too. Our son Aran was fair, with lighter coloured hair,we thought he may take after Maya. After his birth I told Maya I didn't want that operation after all.  
When Aran was two months we were able to move into our new home. It had a big yard. The living accomodation was all on one level apart from one room in the loft which we thought Willa could have or we would just keep as a spare room. There were three bedrooms downstairs but the children were going to share a room and maybe have the other room as a playroom. Everything else was open plan. It was fairly ordinary, but it was something we could sensibly afford and I knew we could make it into our home for a couple of years. We had very little of our own belongings, our flat had been furnished. So we kept the flat on for a few months so that we had chance to get all the main things we needed delivered: beds, sofas, chairs, tables. One Saturday we went over there to sort out some more things, I had curtains and blinds to fix up, the landlord was fine with that, so Maya came too to play with the children in the garden. Our bed had already been delivered so Maya went to our room to feed Aran, and I suspected she had fallen asleep. Freya was playing with all the boxes we had kept for her and I readied the tools I was going to need. I hadn't started the work yet as I didn't want to wake Maya. Just then there was a knock on the door, it was Ian.

We had had to give him our address, we had no choice really. Though as far as he was concerned this was Maya's house. Luckily we still had the flat which made it seem like we were going to live separately. When he arrived it dawned on me that we should perhaps keep the flat permanently even if it wasn't affordable. And pretty soon I knew Ian wouldn't be able to see me with Freya at all. We wanted to stay in Sydney till Willa had finished university, but perhaps that was going to be too much. I fixed him a cup of tea and we sat down together. He sat on a turquoise velvet chair and I on an informal brown leather sofa. Freya played in front of us happily. He asked about Maya, I said she was sleeping. I had rarely been with him on my own in a domestic situation since Freya was born, so this felt awkward.

'Do you know the father of this new one?' he asked.  
'Yes.'  
'What's he like?'  
'I liked him well enough but he's gone now,' I said not wanting to continue this conversation  
'Why do you think she has such casual relationships and insist on keeping the children?'  
It upset me to hear him talk of Maya and his grandchildren like that  
'Well I think that's her business, besides she did have a dysfunctional childhood,' I added.  
'Yes, I understand how that could be a factor. I'm glad you have got separate places now, to be honest I never thought that helped'  
'Well that was always the plan, to have our own places.'  
'Was it?'  
'Yes.'  
'Well it took a long time, how long have you lived here 4 or 5 years?'  
'That long? Yes...well...house prices...'  
Just then Freya stumbled over a box she was trying to climb up. It wasn't high but she landed on her back on the wooden floor. She was thinking about crying, but pulled herself up. I forgot everything and held out my hands to her and beckoned her 'Come to ...' I didn't finish my sentence  
'Daddy!' she said running up to me. I swooped her up and put her on my lap.  
I ignored what she said but I could feel the silence.  
'Why don't you correct her?'  
'What?'  
'She called you daddy?'  
'Oh, she calls everyone that. She has a vocabulary of about 20 words.'  
'I've heard her say Kit'  
'Yes that's one of them.'  
'What does she call you then?'  
'Well Lochie is harder for her to say... There's a reason mummy and daddy are usually a baby's first words you know, they are the sounds they can make first.'  
'Ah yes. Come to grandad,' he said  
I let Freya toddle over to him and he picked her up.  
'Where's Freya?'  
She pointed to her tummy and laughed.  
'Who's this?' he said pointing to himself. She said nothing..  
'Grandad, grandad' he repeated.  
'Who's that?' he said pointing at me.  
'Daddy!' she said smiling  
'Tell her who you are.'  
'No I'm not playing games with her.'  
'Daddy!' she said again reaching out to me but my father held her tightly. She started to wriggle in his arms.  
'Tell her who you are.'  
'Give her to me you are upsetting her.'  
He reached for his phone. I had a bad feeling...  
'Dad, give her to me.'  
'I don't think you've called me dad since you got here'  
'Well there's a reason for that...'  
'Daddy,' Freya was starting to cry.  
'Please...'  
'Tell her who you are..'  
'She knows who I am...give her to me'  
'Daddy...'  
'Give her to me. She wants me, please, give her to me.'  
Ian shook his head.  
'Daddy!'  
'Give me my baby'  
'I knew it...all this time...' He was quiet now but moving towards the door.  
Maya came out of our room  
'Lochie?' she asked.  
'Why did you have to breed?'  
I went to grab Freya but I didn't want to hurt her. So I only held onto her loosely but Ian held tight and pulled her away.  
She cried, Maya screamed.  
'I have dialled triple zero I just have to press one button. Don't do anything stupid. We can sort this out, it will be better for everyone.'  
'Lochie..' Maya wailed.  
'Give me our child'  
'No. She shouldn't exist.'  
'She's a baby...'  
'If you take one more step..'  
'Give her to me, give her to Maya'  
'It's for the best. I wish I didn't have to do this..'  
'You don't have to, please. Please put her down. Please give me our baby. There's nothing wrong with her, we love her.' I kept begging and begging for her.  
'I'm going to the door now'  
'Lochie get her,' cried Maya.  
'No Maya, I'm sorry I will press this button,' our father said.  
'He's bluffing Lochie get her'  
'I'm not bluffing, Maya. I need time to think about this. You don't know what you've done. Don't follow me I swear I will phone the police right now.'  
As he opened the door I lunged at him, Freya made a gurgling cry I'd never heard her make before and I heard a beep.  
He stepped back.  
I heard the operator ask, 'What service do you require?'  
I froze. I let him go.  
I let him go with our baby daughter. I didn't chase after him, I knew if I made a scene in the street it would be over.  
I knew immediately I had done the wrong thing.  
I just got to the porch and was sick.  
Maya was hysterical. Aran woke up.  
'Maya you have to compose yourself. Get the children's things. Don't go back to the flat. I will go there. Drive to the car park at Beluhdelah park. You know the one?'  
'Yes...but Lochie he doesn't even have a car seat ..he'll kill her'  
'Don't worry I will get her, I swear I will get her.'  
'You need the car Lochie...You need to find her...'  
'Yes okay. Oh shit. Call Kit. Tell him you need his car. God the car seats... I'll leave you a car seat.' I didn't know what the hell I was doing...I didn't know where to go, but I thought he wasn't going to call the police immediately. I drove to his house, he wasn't there. I drove to the bungalow, not there I drove up and down along the coast. I don't know what I hoped for. Maya kept texting, I had to tell her no news. Kit called - he said he had given Maya his own car and he was searching too in his van. He wondered if he had gone to his cabin in Port Macquarie so was heading there. It was a long drive, did I want him to do it? Yes I agreed, that was a good idea.  
Even Tiffin coincidentally called, after months of not hearing from him. I didn't pick up. Maya called again. She'd now been waiting for hours in the car park. I told her to drive north. I wanted her further away in case the police were involved but I didn't say that. Find somewhere to stay the night and let me know. She was upset at the thought of spending the night alone without me, or Freya. I told her to tell Kit to join her there in a bit. How much cash did she have? Kit had given her a lot. She had enough. Don't use your credit card I said....

I knew this was taking too long. I couldn't bear to think how Freya was. Ian was no good with children..he had no nappies, he didn't know what she liked to eat...I couldn't help but think of the practical things. And Maya was heading out of the city emotionally wrecked and I knew we may never be together again, I drove to all the places I could think of Ian could go to just on the chance I could catch sight of his car. The hospital, the supermarket the shops in Manly, then back and down the coast, back and forth over the bridge. I sat in the police car park for half an hour, trying to get up the courage to let them know my daughter had been abducted. But I couldn't do it. I just had a tiny hope left that he might not do something stupid. But as the evening drew on that was fading. It was futile. I got a call from Kit, no one was at the cabin. Should he stay? at the moment that was our best hope, but I told him Maya was going to need him soon. I kept calling Ian's phone, if I could talk to him maybe I could at least find out how Freya was. But he didn't pick up. My battery was fading. I turned my phone off to save its power. I needed my USB charger but what if the police were at our flat? I hadn't eaten or drunk anything all day. I hope Maya is okay...

It was close to midnight. I had tried a couple of garages, but they didn't have the charger I needed, so I had to go back to the flat. I parked the car some distance away and walked along the street. The road was full of parked cars, but I couldn't see any police vehicles or anyone sitting in one. That surely meant my arrest was not imminent. That must mean Ian had not called the police? I made it to the front door and into our flat without hindrance. I retrieved the cable and returned to the car. I plugged it in and drove down to the harbour. I couldn't reach Maya or Kit they were either not in range or my phone was playing up - it often did that if I let it run out of power. Shit. What the fuck had I done? I should have taken Freya even if it meant knocking Ian out or him hurting her. But I hadn't wanted to frighten her.. I didn't want him to make that call. But it was too long.. I didn't think he was going to harm her, but I'd never seen him like that...he said she shouldn't exist.. So I decided I had to tell the police, at least they would find her, they would keep her safe. I just had to tell Maya to stay away. She could disappear with Aran, Kit would help her. I could perhaps phone the police, confess everything and then escape, trusting them to find her. But I couldn't leave her alone. Surely they would let me see her again, let me hold her one more time. So that is what I resolved to do. I would just wait for my phone to wake up and tell Maya my plan. I had let her down, but perhaps this would help. I had no other ideas. I could tell her I loved her, that I always would. I knew I'd be looking at up to 10 years but her life could go on. Australia is a big place. Kit would see she was all right. And she was too far away to stop me. Maybe Kit should be with her now, he would look after her. I waited for messages to beep through but nothing came. I walked along the harbour. I loved this place. I loved bringing Freya here. The botanic gardens were closed. I remember the first time Freya saw the bats flying, she thought they were funny. My feet took me to the church. It was closed too. But I had nowhere to go. I sat on the steps and wept and for the first time prayed for my baby, for Maya, for me.


	27. Lochan

Finally the phone rang. It was Tiffin. But I answered, perhaps I could relay a message to Maya through him.  
'Are you okay mate? I've been calling for hours?' he asked.  
'Yes, yes I'm sorry, I've been busy,' I replied.  
'Yeah I know. I've got something of yours.'  
'Oh fuck Tiffin! Where are you? Have you got Freya?' I couldn't believe it.  
'Yeah I have her- well Willa has. Maya and Kit are on their way back.'  
'And Ian?'  
'Yeah I'm here at his house. I knocked him out but he's come round. Don't worry about him, he won't hurt you the crazy bugger.'  
'Tiffin...'  
'Yes?'  
'Is she okay?'  
'Freya? Yeah she's fine. She's sleeping now at our house, Willa said she cried for her daddy but she rocked her to sleep. I think she's gone to sleep with her. She didn't pick up the phone just now....'  
I stopped listening....I dropped my hand to my side and staggered blindly to the car. Texts beeped through.  
'Tiffin's got her, please call,' from Kit.  
'I'm heading back. I love you,' from Maya.

I got to The bungalow in 15 minutes. The longest 15 minutes of my life. I let myself in. I found Willa asleep with Freya in her arms in her bed. I woke up Willa.  
'Thank you,' I murmured. Willa got out of bed and kissed me.  
'She's fine,' she told me. 'But she will be pleased to see you. Here, get in.' Willa left the room and I slipped in next to my sleeping child. I stroked her face and her beautiful curls, waking her up. She opened her eyes and looked at me pulling my nose and holding onto my hair.  
'Daddy...' she said.  
'Yes, Daddy's here.' She smiled and went to sleep in my arms, and I fell asleep with her.

I must have been sleeping lightly, for I jumped when Maya touched my shoulder and slipped in the bed next to me. I was disorientated about where I was and what had happened. Seeing Freya in my arms brought it all back to me, the terror, the desperation, the relief. Maya moved across me so that Freya was in the middle. She put her arm across her so that it held mine. She kissed her little girl's head.  
'Have you seen him?' she asked.  
'No. He's still with Tiff. What time is it?'  
'About half one.'  
I couldn't have had 20 minutes sleep but I felt wide awake.  
'I think I have to see him,' explained Maya.  
'I can't ... I think I might kill him Maya. I honestly do,' I confessed.  
'Yes I know.' She took my hand to her lips. 'I don't want to see him but I have to. Aran's asleep in his car seat in the living room, but I will take him with me, he hasn't had a proper routine at all today. Is that okay?'  
'Yes of course.' I kissed Maya on her lips the familiarity made me feel safe at last. 'I don't want you to go alone. He's completely lost it.'  
'Yes I know. But if we have to leave I want to do it as best we can. Tiffin can't hold him prisoner indefinitely. We've really only got until tomorrow night to see what he will do. I will take Kit with me too if you are worried. Willa's sleeping in Tiffin's room but you can get her up if you need her.'  
'Are you sure you want to go now?'  
'Yes, I will do it. I want to know what he did all day. What he wanted to do... He'd have to be really sick to rip a child from its mother.'  
'But that's what he did,' I countered.  
'I don't think he planned it. Tiffin says..' she hesitated.  
'Says what?'  
'That he's been cursing you...'  
'Yes he thinks I'm sick.'  
'No, that's not what it's about...He says you took his children from him.'  
'What does he mean?'  
'Look Lochie, look what Kit, Willa and Tiffin have done for us today. You didn't even have to ask. He's known all along they love you not him, even with all his money. He won't do anything. He's a broken man, he has nobody. You have everyone.'  
She got out of bed and kissed me and put her hand very lightly on our daughter. Is your phone working now?'  
'Yes, I think so.'  
'Well here's Willa's she's taken the lock off I will try it if you don't answer.'  
Aran was stirring.  
'You best go, Maya I'm so sorry.'  
She kissed me again. 'It's okay you stay with Freya. I will fix this.'


	28. Maya

I had been on autopilot for most of the day. If I hadn't had to keep Aran safe I wouldn't have left. I felt sick not knowing what he...I can't say his name...what he had done to my baby. Just seeing Freya pulled from her father's arms was unbearable. Should Lochie have tried harder to stop him? I don't know if he could. Not when one word to the emergency services would mean the end of everything. I guess he thought the bonds of family might just be enough to delay him. Yes, we'd spent the day in complete anguish but we were together again. He hadn't called the police. So perhaps Lochie had been right. But if Tiffin hadn't been there I dont know...

Kit came with me to that man's house. The door was on the latch, so we just went in. He and Tiffin sat on opposite chairs. Tiffin looked completely relaxed looking at his phone. I hadn't seen him since before Freya was born. His skin was a dark brown. His hair was lighter, blonder because of the sun. I could tell he had been working outside probably for the best part of 2 years since I last saw him. He wasn't a boy anymore.His arms and chest were strong. He looked like his brothers but he was the tallest and possibly bigger than Kit when he was going through his biker phase. No wonder that man was just sitting there.

I didn't make eye contact with him, but hugged Tiff who stood up and held me in his strong arms. Kit had told me Tiff had knocked that man out with one punch, and I could see that was possible. But I saw as well as a black eye he had a cut lip and he was holding his arm so there was possibly more to it.  
'I'll take over Tiff, good work mate. I'm glad you're back,' said Kit. They embraced each other.  
'You've really fucked up,' said Kit to his father.  
'Kit,' I said, 'leave it, please, for me.'  
'Yeah sure.' He sat in Tiff's seat and picked up a paper.  
His father just hung his head.  
'Tiff can I speak with you?' I asked.  
'Sure Maya.'  
I lead him to the kitchen  
'Thank you Tiff,' I burst into tears.  
I hadn't seen Tiffin for around two years. Seeing him now in front of me after all this time was enough to make me cry, never mind the circumstances. When he left he was a boy, a kind, loving thoughtful boy, much like his eldest brother. But he had been troubled by my relationship with Lochie. He had tried to put it behind him I know. He was always good to me, maybe he became a little protective, and he did in the end try to reestablish a relationship with Lochie, though there was still some distance there. But I think he surprised us all when, just after his final exams, he left. He had no plans and no money, but I persuaded him to take some from me. He did phone us, not regularly, but he did call. He never could tell me what he was trying to achieve by leaving us, it didn't seem that it was the usual gap year thing. I missed him incredibly because the previous two years we had spent so much time together, just talking, watching tv together. He had pushed away a lot of his friends and I felt responsible for him. Besides I liked his company. He was warm and witty and affectionate. The perfect brother in other words. Now after such a long time he was back. He had changed so much. Like all my brothers, twenty years old seems to mark the point they become men. Tiffin had grown. I knew he had done a lot of physical labour and he was muscular because of it, but his shape was broad anyway, more like Kit than Lochie. He looked tired, but he also looked more confident than I had seen him in years. He really was a handsome man now and from what he did today I knew he was protecting me still. I was so pleased he was back.  
'Hey it's okay, come here.' said my brother. He held me close till I managed to stop my tears.  
'If it wasn't for you....'  
'He's a sick fuck.'  
'Tiff...'  
'It's true. I knew straightaway something was wrong.'  
'How ?'  
'Well he didn't want to let me in but I heard Freya crying, he knew I heard but he didn't move, so I had to push my way in. He didn't really stop me. He looked like he had either just come in or was just going out.'  
'How was she?'  
'Well she was red in the face. I think she'd been crying a long time Maya, she was kind of having difficulty breathing.'  
'Oh God...'  
'Look, he said he didn't hurt her.. Willa checked her over she said she seems okay...'  
'Thank God...'  
'So I knew it was Freya, poor thing, she looks just like both of you. She let me pick her up, he didn't stop me. She didn't mind me Maya, I guess I reminded her of Lochie. She was getting calmer..'  
'Then what?'  
'Well I said 'What the fuck's happening? Has there been an accident?' Because that's what I thought. And he said did I know who this was and I said 'yes Freya, Maya's daughter,' because that's what you told me to say.'  
'Yes sorry.."  
'Look I don't have a problem with it, not for you and Lochie, not now she's here. I mean father daughter that's sick but...You know once a child is in this world... Anyway I've grown up a bit. I know you haven't hurt anyone and your daughter is beautiful.'  
'Oh Tiff...'  
'Yeah well, I just knew I had to look after her. She's just a baby, an innocent...'  
'Thank you..'  
'It's ok... Anyway he said did I know who the father was and I said 'No, did he?' and he said it's your brother. He said Lochie had been raping you for years....And I said 'Shut the fuck up, that's not true.'  
'Oh God..'  
'So then he said ...' I could tell Tiff didn't want to continue.  
'What did he say?'  
'He said did he fuck me too. Is that why I left? Or did we all fuck each other....'  
'Oh God.'  
'Yeah well, I think he's been reading too much about that cult in the news...I was just calm then. I couldn't argue with that crap, and I put Freya down - she was okay, Maya. And he looked at her and he said more stuff, he said he had to save her from you, give her away.. '  
'Oh thank God...'  
'Thank God?' asked Tiff, not understanding how I could say that.  
'He wasn't going to kill her. Oh god I thought he might...' It was true, at my darkest point when I was alone with Aran I really thought my father might do something horrific.  
'Fuck no. Come on, he wouldn't do that... For God's sake no, he wouldn't do that.'  
'Yes I know, I know, I just felt so sick...'  
Yes, Yes, I understand, it must have been, I don't know, I can't imagine what you've been through.' He held me closely as I nestled into his arms. I really needed someone then. It felt warm and safe, like Lochie. 'It's ok, it's ok. Do you want to know what happened next?'  
'Yes please, tell me..'  
'Well, we argued some more I said stuff about you and Lochie being better patents than him and then..'  
'Then what?'  
'Well it was then he said Freya shouldn't exist but maybe some of us shouldn't either. He was crazy. I just hit him. Well it was more than once. It was lucky I didn't beat him to a pulp but Freya was crying so I stopped. I'm sorry Maya, she saw it.'  
'No it's okay.'  
'I kind of thought that's what he really thinks. I just lost it...'  
'Oh God I'm sorry Tiff.'  
'Yeah, well...I think he was provoking me, I think he wanted me to punish him. I could only get Kit and Willa so I told them what had happened. Willa was here in about 10 mins and I just got her to take Freya. We couldn't get hold of you so we didn't know what to do except wait.'  
'Yes it was Kit who got me. I had been waiting for him. I just couldn't drive anymore..'  
'God yes, I can't imagine what you were going through.'  
'Absolute hell Tiff, absolute hell. But Lochie's worse, because he let her go. He let her go...'  
'Yeah I know...it's difficult...I don't know.'  
'He looks broken Tiff, I think he's aged 10 years.' It was true, I know how deeply he loves his children, and if anyone knows about self recrimination, it's him.  
'You will just have to help him, Maya, I don't know what to say..Kit told me what happened. If dad was threatening to call the police maybe he thought he could buy you time, get you and the baby away...I don't know. If dad had been holding Freya I couldn't have got to him...I just don't know.'  
'Maybe you could talk to him?'  
'Yeah I'll do that...there's lots of things I need to say to him.'  
'Thanks Tiff. So since he's come round he's been cursing Lochie is that right?'  
'Yeah I just let him talk. He's been quiet now. He knew not to try anything unless he wanted another nap.'  
'Okay Tiff. I think I'm ready now to see him.'  
'Do you want me in there?'  
'No Kit will stay. Look go home. Lochie will really want to see you, to thank you.'  
'No, not yet. I don't think I will go to sleep tonight. I will stay here with dad and Kit. We'll see he doesn't do anything stupid.'  
'Thanks Tiff. I will never forget what you did for us today. It's been such a very long time Tiffin. Why did you come back? Are you going to stay?'  
'I'm here for you now Maya. I'm sorry I was gone so long. I don't know why... But yes, I will try to stay now. I know this is home.'  
'Tiffin, don't just say you will try, please say you will stay. I have missed you so much. And the fact that you came back on this day, of all days, surely it's meant to be that you are here?'  
'Yes, it does seem that way. I thought for a long time you needed me, and it looks like you still do,' he said as he put an arm round me, trying to make me smile.  
'Yes, Tiffin, I think you are absolutely right, but I don't just need you here. I want you here with me, this is where you belong. I love you Tiff, we all do.'  
'I love you too Maya, you know I do.'  
'Well you have a niece and nephew to love too now, don't forget...'  
'Yes Freya's gorgeous, she will be ok....I am really looking forward to spending time with you all,' he said.  
I hugged him again. I was so pleased to have him back, really back.

I went back in to the living room. Aran was still asleep in his car seat. I carried him in with me.  
'Dad, why did you do it?' I really wanted to yell at him, to hit him but kept my voice lowered so I did not wake my son. Besides, he looked pathetic.  
He didn't look up.  
'How could you hurt a child? How could you hurt your own children?'  
'Answer her,' said Kit  
'Ever since you arrived there's been a wall between the children and me, because of you two.You have turned them against me.' he muttered.  
'What? Lochie persuaded them to come. Kit didn't want to come. Willa only came because she didn't know who you were. She wanted to find out. You left when she was one!'  
'Yes but you still did everything for them once you arrived.'  
'Exactly we've been doing everything for them since we were kids. Because we had to. Why should we drop everything so you could play happy families?'  
'You didn't let me try...'  
'You had them for three weeks on their own for 3 or 4 summers in a row. You just bought them lollipops.'  
'Don't mock me...'  
'I'm not. I'm just telling you the truth. Don't you remember you missed Willa's very first parents evening here? She was waiting for you to pick her up and you never showed? Lochie just got there before it closed. He had stepped aside for you and you let her down.'  
'I wasn't used to that routine...I had a meeting...' God, I hope he realised how pathetic he sounded.  
Aran seemed conscious of a different voice and began to stir.  
The best thing about you was you were just some air headed eccentric father. Lochie covered for you even then. He didn't want Willa to be disappointed with you, because that would have hurt her. Look at you now. You abducted a child, our child.'  
'You say that with pride..' He sounded so bitter, so I determined to tell him everything.  
'Because I'm proud of her. Because I'm proud of her father. Because he's a good man and a good father. Because I love them both.' I wanted to stir him up, because I had to know what he would do.  
'He's your brother....' was all he said. Aran began to cry. He had only been in my life two months but I could distinguish between his cries, and I knew all he needed now was feeding.  
'I'm not getting into that now.' I took Aran out of the car seat and held him close to me.  
'Why not? That's the point.'  
'If that was the point why didn't you bring it up before? Why act like its a problem now? You've known for a while, haven't you?'  
He nodded.  
'Since when?'  
'Looking back, always.'  
'So you didn't care if we were taking care of everything. You are a hypocrite. How did you know?'  
'The way you looked at each other. But why would I believe it? It's unnatural.'  
'So we looked at each other like we loved each other and that's unnatural? And you dump two families - 7 children? And that's ok?'  
'There were reasons....'  
'Yes and there were reasons your son and your daughter fell in love. You do realise that don't you? You understand we were emotionally damaged then? It was only by loving each other that we got through it.'  
'Other children have parents that leave, how common is incest? Every family that separates?' he countered.  
'Don't be so facile. Mum was an alcoholic so you left her with 5 kids and went to Australia. Nice move.'  
'I thought you'd be ok...'  
'You didn't bloody care. We've raised those kids for you and when we came here that was your chance. All you did was give them money, not your time, not your love. And Lochie did the opposite. No money but all his time and all his love. And you hate him for it.'  
'I don't hate him..' That surprised me.  
'Well you know he hates you. We all do. I don't know how you can come back from this.'  
'Yes, I see that's not possible..'  
'So what were you going to do?' I asked.  
'I hadn't thought it through. I hadn't planned it but seeing him, seeing Lochie with his little girl...'  
'You were jealous? You were jealous..' I couldn't believe it.  
'He has everything...'  
'We have no more than you had... Except you had five of us. You can't believe that a child managed to hold things together. I really wish that you could have seen what you had then and now . ..' Aran was beginning to get restless.'Look dad, I have to feed the baby. Do you want me to sit somewhere else?' I thought he might find the sight of me feeding my child disgusting.  
'No you can stay there'  
'Thank you,' I said.

I undid my blouse. Aran was whimpering now, soft little cries, I couldn't turn down my bra fast enough for him. He could smell that he was close to his source of comfort and turned his little head to me with his mouth open. I had to guide my nipple into his mouth. It was like a magnet, he latched on and began to suck greedily. I felt the pressure in my full breasts release, and had to stop the overflow in my other breast with tissue. I stroked my baby's head. He was so beautiful. His cheeks were chubby and glossy. His little hand with soft delicate nails reached for my breast to squeeze it, sometimes managing to do so, sometimes just waving a little in the air. I covered myself with my blouse as much as I could. When I feed in public I usually put a little blanket over me. I could have reached for a cushion if I had wanted now but I didn't. I didn't want to act as if I was ashamed of breast feeding my son. If Kit or my father wanted to look away, they could. I took my eyes off my baby for a moment. My father was staring into the middle distance, wringing his hands. Kit was looking at me and smiled, then turned to his phone.  
'What did you do with Freya?' I asked.  
'I drove here first.'  
'Where did she sit?'  
'On my lap,' he answered.  
'You idiot!' said Kit  
'Then what?' I asked.  
'Then I drove back to your house..'  
'I don't believe you...'  
'I did. No one was there.'  
'Why didn't you call us and save us all this pain?' I couldn't believe it could have been over so quickly.  
'I couldn't make that call...' I think I did see a look of regret.  
'So what did you do?'  
'I went to the bungalow to give her to Willa, but she wasn't there. I called her.'  
'Yeah,' said Kit, 'That's true, Willa said she had a missed call from him, she was at work.'  
'Then what?'  
'I took her to the zoo.'  
'You did what?'  
'She liked the penguins.'  
'This is surreal. You took her on a day out? We are driving round the city, round the east coast absolutely out of our minds and you are taking her on Grandad's day out?' I felt like I'd finally been hit with a shot of epinephrine.  
'Yes, I didn't want to punish her, but what you have done is wrong. What would people say?' he offered, weakly.  
'They will say bloody nothing unless you tell them. You do know we were all absolutely frantic..'  
'Yes.'  
'Is that what you wanted?'  
'Perhaps...'  
'So then what? What about food and nappies?'  
'Well I asked a young mother to help me with that in the zoo.'  
'You did what? That's bizarre.'  
'And I bought her an ice cream and some fries. She liked them with ketchup.'  
'Yes I bet she did...'  
'But she didn't drink a lot.'  
'No, she likes her sippy cup.'  
I couldn't help it but I started to cry.

Kit came over to me and put his arm round me.  
'See what you've done? If only you had had the balls to call them in the first five minutes.'  
'Yes I know.'  
'But you aren't saying sorry are you?'  
'No. What they did was wrong, but I can't make it right. But Freya was all right for most of the day..until it was bedtime and I didn't know what to do. That's when Tiffin arrived...'  
I nodded.'Do you still want to hurt us? Do you still want to take our children from us? Because you can. You can still do it. What we have done is illegal. If you are going to do it, you should do it now.'  
'Maya..' said Kit. I think he didn't want me to provoke him, to give him the chance...  
'I'm not going to live in fear. I'd rather they go now than when they are 5 or 6. If you do it you know you will never see us again, and if you don't same thing. You've lost us anyway. Keep your money. Keep everything. You have to decide. You decide what's morally right. My children will be brought up by two parents who love them, unless you have them taken away. You decide.' I paused.' Kit, let's go.'  
'But Tiff said we should stay.'  
'What's the point? We can't stay with him forever. He either will or he won't. You should try to get in touch with your other kids, try doing some good to that family. You've lost this one. Let's go, Kit.'  
'Maya?..' said my father.  
'Yes, dad?'  
'Nothing.'  
I turned away from him, put my contented sleeping son back in his seat. 'Let's go. Tiff!' I called. 'Come on, we're leaving'

When I got back to the bungalow I took Aran out of his car seat and did his nappy. He little eyes opened and he extended his hands to me.  
Tiffin was sitting on the sofa, flicking through the channels on the tv. Kit had got a couple of beers out of the fridge and opened one for himself. Tiffin declined, which was a first, but it must be around half past three in the morning.  
'Aren't you going to bed?' I asked.  
'Yeah in a bit,' said Kit, 'I just want to talk to Tiff.'  
It sounded as if Tiff disagreed with leaving our father alone so soon. But Kit's tone of voice sounded like he was reassuring him.

Aran just wanted to go back to sleep. I took him into Willa's room. I kissed his little head and rocked him some more till his eyes closed again. He had no idea how his happy little life had come close to changing today. I lowered him onto his back into the travel cot we keep there, someone had moved it into Willa's room, and covered him over. Tears began to well in my eyes. I really needed Lochie now. I knelt by the bed. Lochie turned round and saw me.  
'Was it ok?' he whispered. His daughter was still in his arms.  
I nodded.  
Lochie went to get up, carefully removing his arm from underneath Freya's head.  
'Stay there Lochie,' I told him  
'But I want to know what he said.' He was sitting on the edge of the bed now.  
'It's okay, I will tell you tomorrow. It's been a long day'  
'Yes,' he said. 'I'm sorry.'  
'Don't,' I said softly, and I lay my hand on his shoulder and squeezed it as I looked at our contented, sleeping little girl.  
'You know you probably did the right thing.. He would have called the police right then...but in the end he just took her to the zoo.'  
'The zoo?' He was as surprised as I had been.  
'Yes I don't know if I should laugh or cry....'  
Lochie drew his hand up to hold onto mine. He twisted round so we could both just look at Freya together.  
I took the throw off the bed and folded into a thick rectangle and lay it on the floor. I went to pick up Freya, but Lochie stilled my hand.  
'Can't she stay with us?' he asked.  
'Please Lochie, I need you.'  
'I don't know why.. I still think I was weak.'  
'Don't say that..' I picked up Freya in my arms and lay her on the throw, she turned over and stayed asleep.  
I took off my jeans and slipped into bed. Lochie took me into his arms and we just stayed like that, awake for a long time.  
'Can't you sleep?' I asked Lochie.  
'No, I don't want to,' he replied.  
'But the children will be awake soon, we should get a couple of hours at least.'  
'I can't sleep.. I hurt you again.'  
'Lochie please don't..'  
I turned and kissed him. At first he didn't respond. But I persisted and he turned to me and ran my fingers through my hair.  
'Thank you for giving me these children,' he said.  
'We gave them to each other..'  
'I know. I have been so complete having them in my life but I think I thought it couldn't last like that ...I think that's why I let her go so easily...'  
'I was there Lochie, I saw what happened. Don't blame yourself. Please don't talk about it now.' I kissed him again and slipped my hand down into his trousers, he had all his clothes on.  
'I can't,' he said.  
I kissed him again and rubbed my hand up and down his cock which I had released, trying to arouse him.  
'Please, I said, I need you.'  
He kissed me back. It was working.  
'The children .. ' said Lochie, stopping my hand.  
'They are asleep Lochie, it's fine.'

I moved on top of him, pushing my knickers out of the way so I could take him inside of me. I bent over to kiss him and he ran his fingers through my hair and down my back, but I could tell I was going have to do all the work. So I sat back up and just gently rocked on him so that every time I hit the right spot, making my body tingle, making me feel better. I was grateful that Lochie was letting me use him like this. I wanted to forget everything that had happened in the past 24 hours, and this physical pleasure was the only way for me to do it. I squeezed in pulses round his cock and every time I did so Lochie breathed in deeply until he grabbed hold of my bottom and then my waist helping me to find a rhythm he liked as he raised me up and down.Still we moved quite slowly. I think Lochie like me didn't want this to be over. I made Lochie pull off his t shirt so I could feel his skin better and I bent closer to him so he could feel my hair on him like he likes. Then Lochie quickened his pace and I knew he was close to coming. He turned me over and finished pumping himself into me. We both sighed then, making Freya stir. She would have gone back to sleep, but Lochie kissed me, and held me closely. 'Thankyou for loving me' he said. He then sorted himself out and picked up Freya and brought her into the bed, he lay on his back with her in the crook of his arm. I turned on my side and put my arm across them both. Even in the dim light I could see that Freya was going to be a little feminine copy of her father, and was as beautiful as he was. In the background I heard Aran making sweet little sucking sounds. Our two little babies were safe again. I watched Lochie watching over his daughter until his eyes gradually began to close, then I too fell asleep.


	29. Lochan

I didn't think I would ever feel the same after that day when Ian took Freya, though a year has passed. Maya said straightaway it wasn't my fault but I believe it was. The problem wasn't that Ian felt that we shouldn't have her, it was that I didn't. I thought we had created something far too good and perfect. The presence of our children in my life made me feel like I was living in a dream and that at any moment someone would say those children do not belong to me anymore. I didn't just fear that would happen, I was waiting for it to happen and on the day when my little girl repeated over and over again that I was her daddy was the day I let her go.

Maya doesn't feel like that. We have been together nearly 13 years. Our memories are more of us as lovers and partners than the old times when we were brother and sister. So she doesn't think any differently towards her children than anyone else would. They are our children, of course we deserve them, as long as we love and nurture them, which of course we do. After all, she says what do we have left of those times except shared memories of lonely Christmases? Our father leaving? Walking round and round the park with one of our siblings until we thought it was safe to come home because our parents would have finished rowing or mum's drunken wrath would have lead to a less frightening stupor? By the time things got better, when I started running things with Maya in our mid teens we weren't brother and sister anymore, we weren't sexually active but we had already shed our familial bonds and were partners together. And I have to admit we did a good job. Kit has a nice girlfriend, Annie, they seem very much in love. His homecare business is doing well and he employs staff now. He's moved out of the bungalow and rents his own place. Tiffin hasn't found his permanent career but he's always in work or travelling because he's made enough money to do so. But the best thing is since he came back, whenever he's in Sydney, he stays with us, not at the bungalow. I guess what he did for us, about Freya, just brought us all back together. After all those years when he wouldn't even visit us, he now takes the loft room in our house. I think he had come back to Sydney on that day because he had realised being away from us all was what didn't feel natural after all, time had healed things. Then because he was aware of his role in saving our family he seemed to become very protective of his niece and nephew. He's great with them and spoils them with toys and things they shouldn't eat when he comes back from one of his trips. And I feel like I'm getting to know him all over again. I don't know quite what our relationship is yet, I will never be the father figure to him that I am to Willa, but that's good. I'm happy to be his brother. He's good company, and I know Maya likes having him around.

Willa finished her BSc this year and will probably do her MSc in Marine Biology in Hong Kong, then return to do a PhD in Sydney, at least that's the plan for now. She has had a couple of girlfriends and boyfriends, most of whom I liked. She's with someone called Mark at the moment, they are planning to go to travel round Europe in the summer. Willa lived in halls the first year of uni, but then moved back to the bungalow to save money. I'm not sure what they want to do with it now - it may be wiser to sell it and split the money three ways between them. It will be strange not having a base where we can all be together. I guess I'm the sort of person who would have liked to keep hold of the family home even as children grew up and left so that they could come back to visit, bringing growing families year by year. But Maya and I are still here in Sydney, and at the moment Kit is too, though he is thinking of expanding his business to Melbourne too, so may move there. But at least we have room for Tiff.

Willa actually asked Ian if he wanted the house back. She is the only one who still sees him. She says it was a moment of madness born out of years of misplaced resentment, and she wants to help him. She's a better person than me. I have only seen him once, in the distance soon after it happened. I was walking along the beach on the Manly side after being round for Willa. I was still having trouble sleeping so often went out for a walk. I don't think he saw me, I changed direction so we avoided each other. But I hoped he's having trouble sleeping too. 

Maya has seen him 3 times, by accident. Well, accident on her part, she told me afterwards that she thought Ian had engineered it. He already knew she went to various toddler groups in town and now that we are further out she would often go to the Botanic Gardens on those days. I guess he just kept hanging round there around lunchtime hoping to see her, and after he saw her once he worked out what day of the week she could be there. That's one of the bonuses of being a writer and having time on your hands The first time she let him talk to her, but was nervous for the children. He apologised for what he had done. The second time she sat with him on a bench as Aran slept in the buggy and Freya played, for about 15 minutes before she said she had to go. She already guessed he was planning it as we had never bumped into him there before. So she stopped going to the park except with me at weekends. Then just recently she went back and he was there. She felt sorry for him because she realised he must have been going there every week. She let him hold Freya and she told her this was her grandad. I didn't feel comfortable with that when she told me, but Maya can chose to do what she thinks is best. I could never have him in my home again. I think everyone knows that, and I would much rather he never saw our children again. He wasn't a father to us the first time round. We gave him a second chance to be a father, at least to the youngest two but he wasted that as well. And as for taking on the role of grandfather, well clearly that wasn't for him either. I guess those words are just labels and people just wear them as they will or not. Who am I to judge? I've picked the ones I wanted, and discarded others too. Maya still thinks it is better for everyone if he can see what an ordinary family we are, besides Maya doesn't deal in guilt like I do, but forgiveness. God, she's forgiven me enough over the years.

Maya was very strong that day that she went to talk to him and left him alone with his thoughts, daring him if you like to make that call. We both thought for months that he might do it, though Maya didn't confess that to me until later. Kit said to me one day that she was like I had been years ago, when I confronted mum when Kit brought her back to the house, as he was there for both of those scenes. All he wanted then was to break us up - he didn't know what his actions could have meant - prison for us, the care system for him. But I knew and I fought for us, for all of us that day. If I hadn't, none of the years we have had would have taken place. I probably would have come out of prison a few years ago. Maya may have served less even if she said sex with me was consensual, or she may have walked free as she was 16 if I said I raped her, which to be honest I don't believe she would have gone along with. She loved me so well even then. I probably would have been restricted from seeing her on my release and perhaps my other siblings too, even if I could trace them. My perfect son and daughter would not exist. In that life then, I may as well be dead. All I am is what my family makes me. A father to my children and Willa, a brother to Kit and at least that to Tiffin, a husband to my wife. That's all I want. Maybe I'm not as strong as I was, or maybe I'm strong in a different way. I know my love for my family is strong and true.

I have made better plans for us to disappear in an emergency, if it ever happens again. Kit set up a bank account in his name with some of my savings in it, and he gave me a set of keys for one of his work vans. I carry them with me. Ian knows we have travelled along the east coast a lot so I started looking at rental places around the south instead. But each passing day made things easier. In fact now that Ian knows about us we can stay in Sydney if we want to. We thought we would have to leave when Freya started talking more, but now it's out it the open anyway, we can stay. 

Maya hasn't gone back to work. That's her choice, I will support what ever she wants to do, like she supports me. I have been promoted a few times but try to keep out of the wining dining circuit - it's not me, so I have probably reached as far as I can go in this company, which is fine. I think one thing in good at is work life balance, and material things aren't really for me. I prefer the outdoors - we have already taken the kids camping with us, even though they are just one and two. We went to one of the family campgrounds in the Blue Mountains, all facilities were fine. They loved it. We thought we might as well get the used to it, then by the time they are a bit older they will manage the rural sites no problem.

I wish we could have more children, but it's difficult. On the one hand there seems to be some liberalisation not of the law, but the interpretation of it. A sibling couple were allowed to keep their baby but the circumstances were different, they met as adults. So it's difficult to know what to do. Maya always believed having children was her right. She has always loved being pregnant, breast feeding her children, looking after them. She's just a natural. She even says she doesn't mind the whole birthing process. I do wish Freya and Aran could have a big family like we did. I know we supported our family when they were growing up but since then I realise that they have really been supporting us too. They gave our lives a sense of purpose when they were young and as adults they have always been there for us too, not least when they all rallied round to search for, and save, Freya.

So although my life with Maya is all I could want, that shadowy fog, guilt keeps nipping at me, because I can't forget how I felt I had nearly ruined the lives of my daughter, my wife. Before, when I needed assurance I went to church. I know what the church preaches. Maybe I shouldn't have used their pews, looked at their art, read their prayers but I did and I reached out to a god who could accept me and could forgive me. The rights I have done in this life outweigh the wrongs. But the feeling I had of letting down my daughter, letting her be taken away from us could not be taken away by the church, or God. Only her mother could do that. That first night when she made love to me helped me so much, to know she didn't hate me, to be able to believe that she needed me. As the weeks went on I still had self doubts and though I still needed sex I had lost confidence and would have lost sight of what making love to each other really was. Sometimes sex for me was just that, just for me. I didn't try to pleasure Maya like I usually did, I think I wanted to give her a chance to reject me, to punish me, but she never did. She never stopped making love to me, thrilling me, delighting me with her body.

One night she asked me to try to put my whole hand inside her again. It's not something we've tried often, I've never asked to do it to her, just when she wants. My hand is not too broad but I have never reached the widest part of my hand inside her. Having given birth again I think made it easier though she is still tight. Maybe this time she had more confidence to let me do it. I think she did it for me. For though she bit her lip and her body writhed as I entered her, we managed to get my whole fist inside and I moved it slowly within her until she asked me to help her come another way. It did arouse me. It was erotic putting as much of me as she could take into her body. I was more aware of the softness and warmth of her body using my whole hand than using my fingers. Also so I didn't hurt her, everything was slowed down, out of time. I liked the fact that she wanted me to do it to her, and the fact that I could watch her body move with me inside her, but from a different angle, more like an observer, that was good too. I enjoy just looking at her anyway - that alone arouses me. I loved her body pre pregnancy, but I think I love it more now. Everything is still taught and firm, maybe her stomach is just a little softer, but I like it that that. She was self conscious at first of a few stretch marks she got there, but they have turned silvery now. I kiss them for her. I can't think of more beautiful markings on her body. Besides in a way I put them there. Her breasts are a little fuller, which is a bonus as far as I can see. She's always been slender but with curves in all the right places so she looks good in whatever she wears or if she wears nothing at all. And importantly she is confident with me, we always have been with each other. I guess that's how we knew loving each other was right. So when she asked me to fist her I know she wanted me to feel like I was dominant, that I was strong, that she trusted me. There was something about it too that which was beyond erotic ecstasy. It was loving because I knew I was the only one who had ever done that for her. Yes, it was what I needed. She always knows how to help me. 

In fact she had shown that she trusted me in other ways too. I always used to take the children out on a Sunday morning. But the week after it happened with Ian, I didn't want to do it. I felt I didn't deserve to be with the children on my own. Maya woke up at about 8 - it's her day to have a lie in - and she heard us in the house. She asked me why we were still there and I said I wasn't going to go. So she said she was really going to need a proper coffee and could I get her one? I told her of course I could - was she okay with the kids, but she said no, please could I take them out? She helped get them ready, and made me go. For the next few weeks my trips were short, I kept Freya in the buggy mostly and would text Maya to tell her where we were, how long we'd be, which rather defeated the point of her having a lie in. But gradually Maya convinced me I could be a responsible parent and I went back to driving to one of the beaches and letting Freya play in the sand until Aran need to be back with his mother really.

I wish I could do something more for Maya, and all I can think of is maybe pledging ourselves to one another somehow. I can't marry her, that's out of my control. But we have thought of ourselves as being married for a long time. Maybe when I came back from Sydney I could have made more of a thing about sharing our rings - which we still wear. But I had been so anxious about Maya when I was travelling back on the plane I just wanted to tell her as soon as I could that I had changed. I would never be insecure about our relationship. I would never doubt the fact that Maya had chosen me, and I her. I would always love her, we would never be apart. And really, that's how we have lived our lives so it seems right that we celebrate it in some way


	30. Maya

It was strange that the confrontation with our father made our life in the end completely normal. Lochie and I had talked before about how long we could stay in Sydney once Freya started talking properly, as even if Lochie didn't come with us on visits to see our father she would be able to tell her grandad that her daddy was at home or her daddy was with Aran or anything that would have given the game away at some point. Even afterwards we wondered if there was some protection in getting the children to learn to call Lochie by his name instead of daddy after all. But he didn't want that. His name couldn't be on the birth certificate but Freya would know she was his natural daughter because she looks like him, so when she needs to see that document when she is grown up we'll have to talk about why his name isn't on it. But we really hope we won't have to tell them about our family bond until the children are both settled and have families of their own. We don't want it to influence their lives. If we bring them up properly there is no reason for them not to grow up as confident, generous and kind people like Willa, Tiffin and Kit. We are going to tell them when they ask how we met that I was a friend of the family who came to live in the house in Bexham when I was 16. Then Willa, Kit and Tiffin can talk freely about a lot of things we did together as a family without fearing that they have said too much. It's not a total lie, I did become a different person at that age, for that's when Lochie and I made each other new. 

So I think I delight in the fact Lochie's little girl and boy call him daddy nearly as much as he does. He never takes anything they do for granted. He always looks them in the eye when they speak to him, never fiddles on his ipad or his phone when he is with them like I see all other parents do (including me). He is delighted by their progress at preschool. I know he doesn't need any validation for their existence, but I can tell how proud he is when they tell us at preschool how advanced Freya is. She's not yet three and is learning to recognise many letters and sounds - Lochie has been teaching her - and she can count out over 30 items. Apparently, that's good. I'd worry that perhaps she had inherited too much of the same intelligence gene from us, and that she is going to turn out to be a to terrible geek - except that I know I was never like that at school. It's just that she is very bright like her father. So we would love our children whatever they were like, but the fact that they are healthy means we can keep them.

Lochie never had a vasectomy. We would love to have more children but we can't chose to do so anymore - if anything went wrong we would lose what we have and they are too precious to us. But Lochie has become a great believer in fate and says if it happens, it happens. I think he was pleased to read a comment by a judge who said in reference to a particular case, although the siblings had to be punished according to the law, he could see a time when consensual incest between siblings is no longer a crime. His grounds for this were to do with human rights, being able to chose who you love freely, and he believed birth control limited outstanding concerns about reproduction. However I think any change to legislation is a long way away and we won't see it in our lifetime. Besides I dont like the idea of enforced sterilisation. Maybe one day Freya and Aran would come forward and say it's ok, look at us, we are happy and healthy, our parents made us because they loved each other and they loved us. Maybe that would help someone, maybe that would help people realise what we had was good. But of course the stigma for them would be too great, so they couldn't do it. 

I used to think I was fated to love Lochie because of our dysfunctional family life but I'm not sure I totally believe that anymore, and I still don't feel guilty. Why can't I believe in fate like anyone else? Why can't it be that Lochie was perfect for me? That I loved him for the type of person he was, how he looked, what he did, what he said? What if having sex with him really did make me complete? I don't care anymore about the childhood I had, it made me into the person I am, and I like myself. Sometimes I wish I could return to work but then I think no my vocation is to be with our children. I think of how mum never put her children first, and I don't like to think about how that hurt Willa Tiff and Kit. So I want to be with our children for as long as I can.

Another good thing in my life is Tiffin. He came back to us just at the right time. I don't mean just by saving Freya, but because Lochie and I were aware that at last our family was dividing. Kit one way, Willa another, like families do, but still I felt sad that that time had come. But now we have Tiffin back, and I just want to keep hold of him. He's 22 and he reminds me of Lochie at that age. He's more of a free spirit - he's without the responsibilities we had, but he's thoughtful and kind like Lochie. I know that's why he took our news so badly - he thinks too much, like his eldest brother. I love to see Lochie and Tiff together. Chatting out in the garden, or when Willa babysits and we go out together, he always has a new girl. I don't think he stays with anyone for more than a month. Partly he is just too charismatic. I have seen women flock to him on a night out. His smile, his demeanour when he is out is confident, charming. I just wish he would try to develop one of those relationships into something more. Another thing that worries me is his drinking - he drinks too much and sometimes gets in trouble because of it. Even when Lochie and I are with him, we have seen him get into arguments when he is just a little drunk. He seems to seek it out. Even Lochie can't talk him down. Thankfully Tiffin listens to me, like he always has done, but I can't be with him all the time. He has come back home at night with bruises and cuts on his face many times.

I asked him about both things - women and drink- recently. It was Sunday evening. We had been in the garden most of the day, we had a barbecue and a Tiffin entertained us with his guitar. He taught himself when he was away. I had never thought of him as musical - I guess we never were able to afford lessons for him to find out. But he has a good ear for it. He can play any song I ask him to and he has a gentle masculine voice whenever he sings for us. He is often shy and would just strum a tune, but when he did sing, I told him I loved it and he was pleased. Lochie was just putting the kids to bed, he does that Friday through Sunday, I do it the rest of the week. He takes ages though, even though they are just 2 and 3 Freya manages to get him to read one more story, then another. So I sat in the garden with Tiff. He was just lounging on the bench. I could see they'd got through a crate of beer, again. Well I knew it was mainly Tiff, so I brought up the subject with him.  
'How are you doing, Tiff?' I asked. He seems to spend more time out of work than in work at the moment, though when he has a job on, usually construction these days, he can be gone for a few months.  
'Yeah, good.' He saw me looking at all the rubbish. 'Dont worry about all this stuff, I'll sort it out.' He pulled me onto his lap. 'I was just looking at the stars. It's a big place out there.' He didn't seem drunk, but if he was contemplating his place in the universe, perhaps he was.  
'You sure you're okay Tiff?'  
'Yeah, I'm good. I'm just thinking whether to take a job in Perth. It pays well, for 6 months.'  
'Thats good isn't it?'  
'Yeah, but I don't like Perth much.'  
'Well it's up to you, something always turns up. Lochie will be pleased if you aren't gone for 6 months.'  
'And what about you, will you miss me?'  
'I shan't miss buying all these beers...'  
'Oh yes, sorry, I haven't given you any money this week have I?' He pulled out a wedge of notes from his pocket.  
'Put it away Tiff. I didn't mean that. Sometimes though I wonder, do you keep track of how much you drink?'  
'Maya,' he moaned, squeezing me. 'It's the weekend. And this -' he pointed to the empty cans- 'was me and Lochie - and you'  
'Lochie probably only had one or two'  
'Yeah you are probably right. He's the only Aussie who drinks one or two on a Sunday.' It was true, Lochie never drunk much.  
'And I didn't drink any.'  
'Why not? You aren't pregnant are you? His hands dropped from my waist.  
'No, don't be stupid. There are other reasons not to drink. I don't want to get fat. And neither should you.'  
'Well, you don't have anything to worry about.' He ran his hands up and down my back. Then drew his hands around my waist and squeezed me. 'No wait a minute, maybe you do," he said, smiling.  
'You oaf!' I laughed, and tried to pull myself away. But he held me tightly.  
'I didn't mean it...you always look good.' He kissed the back of my neck, and blew on me making me shiver. He then squeezed me again making me laugh and wriggle on his lap.  
Lochie came outside and Tiff let me go. I fell to the ground laughing.  
'Glad you two are enjoying yourselves,' Lochie said, smiling.  
'You've escaped quickly,' I replied holding out my hands to him.'How many stories did you get away with tonight?'  
'Just one.'  
'Really?'  
'Yeah. The same one, 6 times. It's driving me crazy,' he laughed. 'Anyway, I just came out for Aran's Georgie. Ahh here it is,' he said picking up a much loved little monkey. 'Back in a minute.'  
'See you in half an hour,' I replied. Lochie knew what I meant. Freya would trap him again. He really was too much of a softie with them. But they were happy, and so was he.  
So it was Tiff who pulled me up, I sat next to him, with his arm draped round me. He reached for a beer and opened it.  
'Tiff I'm serious, do you even know how many you've drunk today?'  
'No, I'm not counting.'  
'Well maybe you should...'  
'It's the weekend..'  
'Yes but you treat everyday like the weekend when you are here.'  
'So?'  
'Well you know, someone has to look out for you...you know...mum..'  
He turned the can upside down pouring it onto the grass.'You're worried about me? He kissed my hair. 'See, I'm not like mum. I'll never be like mum. I can control it, see?'  
'Good, I'm glad. You are my baby brother. I want to look after you.'  
'Is that how you think of me, your baby brother? I'm twice your size.  
'Yes well, you're a big baby aren't you?'  
He picked me up with one arm and spun me round till we fell on the ground both looking up at the sky. I guess I'd asked for that.  
'Here we are then, back to star gazing' I said. 'What you thinking about Tiff'  
'Nothing...everything'  
'Ah I see, quite the philosopher.' I leant on top of him, but he wasn't smiling now.'Whats up...'  
'I was just thinking I hope one day I find something like you and Lochie have,'  
'Really, I thought you are more into keeping it casual...very casual.'  
'No that's not me, not really. It's just something to do. You wouldn't like to be like me.'  
'Tiff, that sounds so sad. You need someone special.'  
'Yeah, one day. I just need to the right woman I guess." He held my hand as we looked upwards.  
'Well,' I said, 'when you are ready you will find her. I don't think anyone would turn you down,' I took my hand from his and ruffled it through his hair.  
'You think so?'  
'Yeah, just cut down on the drink. You want to make a good first impression.'  
'Oh I always do...' he said with a twinkle in his eye.  
'Tiff...Too much information!' I knew what he meant. 'Just for that you can clear this all up by yourself!' I managed to get up before he went to grab me again, and met Lochie coming out. I put my arms round him and kissed him.  
'All done?' I asked.  
'Yes, they are sleeping like little angels, the little monsters.' He kissed me again and put his arms round me. But then he noticed Tiff still sitting on the grass.  
'You all right mate, you need a hand?'  
'Yeah I'm okay..I don't know maybe I have had too much'  
'Go to bed, Tiff' said Lochie, pulling his brother up. Tiff did look worse for wear. He probably shouldn't have spun me round.  
'No mate it's okay. I said to Maya I'd sort this out.'  
'You sure?' Lochie asked.  
'Yeah I'm good, I'll just sit out here a bit longer, you staying out?'  
'Yeah, I'll join you for a bit,' replied Lochie, pulling his brother up and sitting next to him. So we just sat and chatted for a couple of hours, about nothing in particular, just enjoying each other's company. Lochie reached for a beer but I stilled his hand and gave out some water to him and Tiff as well. Then Lochie said to Tiff 'I've got to look over some work. You sure you okay sorting this out?'  
'Yeah sure,' replied Tiff. He seemed more sober now.  
'Thanks Tiff,' Lochie said, turning to come back inside, and taking me by the hand.

'Work?' I asked when we went into the kitchen. 'I thought you said it was all done?'  
'Yeah it is.. I just want to get out of these clothes. I'm going to take a shower. Join me?'  
'Yes, of course..' I answered. 'You get ready. I'll just be a minute.'  
The kitchen was a mess, but we could do it later, I suppose. Or maybe I'd do it in the morning...so I went into the bedroom too. We had a lovely wet room fitted onto our bedroom, with a window that looked over the garden. We had negotiated a deal with the landlord and had upped the spec ourselves. We really need to buy our own place now so we could really make it ours. 

Lochie was already in the shower so I went in to join him. There was plenty of room. The water was hot. So I slipped in next to him, the water falling onto us as we kissed, stroking each other's wet bodies. I knelt down and played with his cock, licking the whole length and taking it into my mouth as deep as I could. The water splashed on my face as I looked into Lochie's eyes as he moved his hips gently, leaning above me with one hand against the tikes, the other hand runing through my wet hair. But I didn't want things over too quickly so I stopped sucking on him and stood up again, just kissing him as he slipped his fingers inside me, rocking his thumb against me too. Then he turned me round to face the wall and swapped his fingers for one of my toys and pushed it into me easily. He rocked it gently at first, finding the right spot to make me cry out every time. And then he moved it faster and faster so that I was really on the point of coming. Then he took it out and pulled me out of the shower. He sat on the toilet and I rode his cock facing forwards, then backwards, stopping each time he was about to come. All the time his hands were running over my glistening wet body. I loved his touch. I called out noisily, my cries made louder because of the tiled walls, Lochie just murmured 'Maya...Fuck...yes,' alongside groans of pleasure. So we were surrounded by the sounds of our own ecstasy, immersed in the joy of fucking each other really powerfully. I had forgotten that Tiff was in the garden, and the window was open, but it was too late now. Lochie pushed me on to the ground on all fours and came inside me. Then Lochie lead me back into the bedroom, our bodies still wet, and lay me on my back, pushing my legs up and wide for him. He pushed his fingers into me and licked them before hungrily eating me out till I came too. We fell asleep naked in each other's arms.

We didn't emerge from our room again till morning, when the kids woke up in time to get a kiss from Daddy before he went to work. I saw that Tiff had done a good job in the garden. The kitchen was tidy too. He really is a sweetheart. Then I saw a piece of paper that had fallen to the ground.  
'I'm going to take the Perth job. Sorry I didn't get to say goodbye. I'll be back in June. Tiff'  
Lochie is really going to miss him. So will I.

***************************

The 6 months Tiffin was gone turned into 9. Luckily Willa was back in Sydney doing her MSc in Marine Biology. Her area is Invasive Species affecting the Great Barrier Reef, with special consideration of Perna Viridis, the Asian Green Mussel. I think she's going to spend five years on that subject. Good Lord. Usually we know when Willa's coming round. Sunday afternoon, an evening in the week. But on this particular Saturday she just turned up. That is usually good or bad news. When I answered the door I guessed it was the latter.  
'Whats the matter Willa?' I asked immediately.  
'Do you know where Tiff is?'  
'No...is he ok?' My heart quickened.  
'Well, no I don't think so...'  
'Good God, what's happened?'  
'He's in rehab...'  
'Rehab? Thank God. I thought he'd had an accident.'  
'Well no, he's on suicide watch..'  
'Oh God please no....' I thought I was going to collapse.  
'Lochie!' Willa called 'Lochie...'  
Lochie came running. He was organised. He used Willa's information to find out where Tiff was - in Melbourne - and flew there immediately. He stayed a week there, then brought him home.

To look at him, you wouldn't think anything had happened. He was bright and loving with the kids, affectionate to me and centre of attention with his brothers. He told all the usual stories, where he had been working, disasters that had befallen him in the outback. Anecdotes about strangers he had met, women he had hooked up with. Everything was amusing to him, he took nothing seriously. And that's what made me realise, the boy who had left at 18 was a thoughtful young man, still troubled by the relationship between me and Lochie. The person who came back was a charmer, an entertainer, a ladies man. He had been in denial and so had we. We had done this to him. The only person he would confide in was Kit. Kit honoured his confidence so I knew I had to talk to him myself.

'Tiffin, darling, why could you not tell us, why could you not tell me?'  
'I wanted to work through it, I didn't want to worry you.'  
'But you nearly did much worse than that. You nearly left us.'  
'That was a mistake, I didn't mean to. I had too much to drink.' He had jumped off a bridge onto a train track in front of a train. Just by chance the train had switched lines before it reached him. If he hadn't broken his leg in the fall I don't know what he would have done. A teenager who saw him jump actually had to pull him off the tracks.  
'Tiffin, don't lie to me. If that boy hadn't been there you would have stayed there, wouldn't you?' Tiffin just chewed the inside of his cheek. He wouldn't look at me. 'How could you do that to me, how could you do that to yourself?' I tried to take him into my arms, but he wouldn't let me.  
'Tiffin, please, please let me look after you.' He glanced at me just briefly and let me pull him close to me. He cried in my arms.  
'I feel so alone Maya. I'm surrounded by people and I feel so alone.'  
'You aren't alone when you are with me. I know what it is Tiffin. I know it's me and Lochie. Why don't you just hate me? Why do you have to hurt yourself?'  
'I can't hate you. I love you, both of you. And that just makes it worse.' he cried.  
I thought about all the things I'd made him do - lie to his friends, his father. Accept something he didn't think was right. And all the time he didn't have good enough support to get him through it. Willa had Lochie, Kit had both of us, they had managed to deal with it. Tiffin had only turned to me. And I hadn't been enough.  
'If you love me you must promise never ever to leave me. Never to hurt yourself at all. If you can't promise me that I will never ever let you go.'  
'Do you really love me Maya?'  
'You know I do. We all do, very much. ... You are going to stay with us now okay?'  
'I don't think I should.'  
'No I insist. And so will Lochie. You don't need to worry about work. You can work for us. We are buying our own home, but it needs work. Will you help us?'  
Tiffin smiled. 'Yes I'd like that.'  
'Good. That's settled. We will be a family again.'  
He kissed me sweetly on the cheek and I sat with him a long time. Lochie checked on us, it was my turn to read a story, but Lochie said he would do it so I could sit with Tiff who had fallen asleep in my arms.


	31. Lochan

We were moving to a small town about an hour's drive from Brisbane, which was where my new job was based. It meant a long commute, but we didn't want to live in Brisbane. Besides when we were looking for a house I found something I just had to have. It was a converted church. Not huge, but the living room was full height, looking up to a vaulted ceiling. A split staircase lead to bedrooms on either side. It had all the features I liked, brickwork, stained glass windows. There was lots of beautiful wood inside and out. The garden was overgrown with lots of large palms, but I liked it like that, it was mysterious. It didn't face the beach, but there was a path from the garden that lead down to it, past some other houses. You could see the beach from the master bedroom too. It was a bit extravagant, but I wanted something special for my family. It was only affordable because the original conversion needed work. I was relieved when Tiffin said he would move up with us and do most of the work. That would save us a lot of money. I knew that Maya felt responsible for what Tiffin had done and wanted to look after him, though that responsibility lies with me too.

I was glad with my new job. It's a travel magazine with an online presence. It has linked offices in Auckland and Bali. It was bought up, with a selection of other titles by a company in London that specialises in breaking apart businesses after they have restructured them. Several titles were sold off immediately. But ours they think has potential if we can attract a younger demographic and draw advertising to the website. So that's my job. I have two years at the most to make it happen. And if it sells for more than is currently predicted, I will be in line for a percentage of the sale, a large bonus, which would really make our family secure. That's why I took the job. I didn't want to tell Maya exactly how much I could earn as financial things like this could always go either way. But if things turned out well I really thought maybe I could make sure our family was safe. It's a challenge, but I think I can do it. More responsibility, smaller office are two things I liked, so I really wanted to work hard so I could succeed.

The workload and travel time means it's about 7.45 when I get home. Maya keeps the kids up for me most nights. I don't think I could do the job if I didn't see them at the end of their day. Maya was supportive. She doesn't want to go back to work until the children are both in school, and I admire her for that - I know she was enjoying her fabric designing but maybe more than any other parents we both value the time we have with the children, in case they are ever taken from us. But I just have a feeling that won't happen. The more we are entrenched as a happy, secure family I can't see the authorities splitting us up, at least I think they would let the children stay with Maya. What would happen to me, I'm not so sure, but I don't want to live my life as if I'm frightened. I will just do what I can, provide for my family and hope that's enough. So I'd like more children, but then Maya might not want to return to work for longer and lose her chance at a career at all. My work has always paid well enough for everything. We don't spoil the kids, books and simple toys yes, designer clothes and gadgets, no. I drive a car from a to b, that's all I need it for. 

I guess my weakness is Maya. Whenever I see anything beautiful I want to buy it for her. Whether it costs $50 or $500 I have to buy it for her. I love to see her childlike excitement at opening a present - we both remember having nothing. I love thinking I can give things to her. I like her to have the best of everything because she is everything to me. But the cost of the move is putting a strain on our finances for now so I may have to be more careful. Once I found this house, I had to have it. I guessed it would cost a lot to do up, and to be honest if Tiffin hadn't done most of it we may have had problems. There was more work needed on the house than we suspected, but we will manage. After two years when I get the bonus it won't matter anyway. I'd never dream of asking Maya to return to work if she didn't want to. 

Tiffin saved us a lot of money, and he taught Maya some decorating skills too - Maya liked learning from him, working alongside him. He's very different now. He doesn't like to speak about the past. But sometimes I think though he loves Maya, me and the children for ourselves it's as if he doesn't see is as a family unit. It's as if he loves us but doesn't accept we love each other. He loves the kids but sometimes doesn't act as if he knows they exist because we made them, because we love each other. I think his way of dealing with it is to pretend we are all just one happy family, all equals. If I come home from work really late and all I want to do is be with my wife, he will still sit on the sofa with Maya in his arms telling tall tales - admittedly entertaining ones - long into the night. Or he will tell Maya, he organised a boat trip for the kids, can he have them for the afternoon? She only told me about that because she was so proud of him, but I think she is being naive. I want to ask her, does she really know why he was in rehab so much - he told us eventually that he has been in and out every year since he left us. Mainly for drinking he says. He says he never tried to hurt himself before but I think there's something else there. But she's right, it is so good to have him back. It many ways it makes up for having lost those years with him when we got here. 

One evening after putting the kids to bed we did seem to have the living room to ourselves. So it was a good chance to have a proper talk with Maya. Those chances are limited now, with my long hours.  
'Maya,' I asked,'is there anything that you would have done differently in your life if you hadn't been with me?'  
'How would I know? I would be a completely different person if I wasn't with you,' she replied.  
'Really?' I felt a bit disappointed by that answer and Maya could tell.  
'No silly. I mean if I hadn't chosen to share my life with someone as gorgeous, wonderful and breathtakingly handsome as you I don't know what I'd be like so I don't know what I would do differently.' she replied, mocking my self doubt.  
'Oh I see. I'll try not to get big headed about how wonderful I am ...but you know what I mean. Would you have lived elsewhere, had a career?'  
'Well I hope I will have a career one day.'  
'Yes, of course,' I replied.  
'But I think I may have liked my children younger, had more of them. Got married, you know a wedding. Nothing big but you know I'm sort of traditional.' Then she kissed me and laughed and said, 'well, in some ways.'  
'Well I can't help you with the first one. But what about the other two?' I asked.  
'You want more children?'  
'Yes I do, but if you don't ..'  
'I'm not sure. I think we make beautiful babies. I'm not worried about health issues. I'm just worried about being able to afford one...' Maya was not usually so practical.  
'That is wonderfully ordinary for us isn't it?' I said, holding her close to me.  
"Yes I suppose it is. Let me think about that one,' she said as she crawled onto my lap.  
'Okay, that's good. Thank you.' I kissed her. 'What about getting married then?'  
'That's something you know we can't do. We would have to show our birth certificates. Besides when you gave me my ring I thought that was what it meant for us.'  
'Yes darling, it did. But we could maybe have a ceremony, say some words to each other, in front of our family, if you wanted?' I suggested.  
'On a beach maybe?' said Maya  
'Yes. You could wear a beautiful dress. Have flowers everywhere, all through the house..' It sounded good.  
'We could go away together?'  
'I could get you a new ring, a diamond?'  
'I don't need a diamond. I want to keep this one.' She twisted the ring on her finger and smiled at me. I knew I was a very lucky man. She was as beautiful now as she was when I had first loved her when she was 16. No she was more beautiful now. 'Do you know how long it's been, since I gave you that?' I asked.  
'It's been 11 years Lochie.'  
'Have they been good years for you?'  
'You know they have been. Everything you said that day has been true. What about you?'  
'You know I have loved every minute I have had with you, and the children. I know I am the luckiest man alive to have you all. I know my job has been hard on you, but it will get better.'  
'Yes I know. And maybe then I can get a job, I know you have been under a lot of pressure with the house'  
'It's fine Maya..there's lots of ways we can manage things. And I'm in line for a huge bonus once the sale goes through. That's ljust over a year away. You don't have to work if you don't want to.'  
'And if I want to?'  
'Then you can. Of course you can.'  
'Good. I have been looking. Not that there's anything here for me ...' She sounded agitated.  
'I'm sorry Maya...when we were looking for houses we weren't thinking of you getting a job. But there must be something here to keep you busy?' I offered.  
'I don't just want to be kept busy...I could join a knitting club or make jam if I wanted that,' she said crossly.  
'Maya... That's not what I meant..' Perhaps I had been insensitive.  
'Well I can commute to Brisbane too?'  
'Don't you think the kids are too young for you to do that?' It was just a suggestion...  
'Oh so I can look for a job of it's a little one. If it brings in some pocket money. Like when I used to look after Willa and Tiff and work in the coffee shop?'  
'Maya that's not it..''  
'When I looked after the kids and you started your career.'  
'You know why we did it like that...I had a job as soon as we got here...'  
'Yes, I know...'  
'I didn't know you felt that way....' We never had arguments and I was sorry that I may have been selfish, getting the job I wanted, the house I wanted. I thought I was doing it all for my family, but maybe I was just doing it for me.  
'I'm sorry Lochie. That was unfair of me. But look at you, you are running the office of a magazine, Kit has his own business, Willa is getting a PhD in whatever it is. It's me who hasn't achieved anything. Me and Tiffin I suppose.' She sounded despondent. 'You have achieved something, Maya. Our home is a happy one isn't it? Isn't that what we would have wanted most of all when we were growing up?' 'Yes.' 'So have more confidence in what you have done well. And whenever you want to do something else I know you will do that well too.' She took my hand, 'Thank you Lochie.You are right. I made my choice and it worked out okay, well I guess we had that problem with Tiff but he's getting better now, isn't he?'  
'Yes, just be careful with him. I know he seems okay but he hides things. Don't toy with him.' I just wanted her to be careful.  
'Toy with him? That's a horrible thing to say.' Maya became flushed.  
'Maybe that wasn't the right word...'  
'No it wasn't. I love him and I look after him,' she stated firmly.  
'Yes I know. Just remember he's your brother.'  
'What the hell does that mean?'  
'I just mean when I come home I want to be with you.'  
'So what do you want me to do, pack him off to his room when you walk in the door?' This wasn't turning into the conversation I planned.  
'No Maya. Just if sometimes he would chose to leave us alone that would be something...'  
'Okay, I'm sorry...I know what you mean. But he tried to...you know... Because of us..he tried to end it all...he tried to...' I didn't want to make her cry.  
'It's okay, it's okay. I like him here, you know I do. I'm not saying I want him to go. It's just sometimes I walk in and you two are on the sofa and I get the kids ready for bed and then sometimes you say you and Tiff have already eaten and I have had such a long day. And I come back into the living room, and there you are still with him...I feel like I...'  
'Oh Lochie don't be stupid. You don't feel like your a gooseberry do you?' she said, trying to raise a smile.  
'No Maya.'  
'Come here then.' She pulled me onto the floor. She slipped out of her underwear and took my hand to her body.  
'You have been working too hard Lochie. I see that. I'm going to make you feel special.'  
'Maya, what about Tiff? Shouldn't we go to our room?'  
'He's out for the night...he does have his own life too you know. I'm not holding his hand all day. Forget about him.'  
She unbuttoned my trousers and I took off my shirt. I sat up by the sofa. She rode me masterfully, giving me and herself the greatest pleasure. It's always been her favourite position. I licked my fingers and tried to help her come but I could see the way she moved against me she was doing very well herself. She knows my body so well she knew how to make me last as long as possible to give herself more time. Just a couple of times I squeezed her arm or had to tell her to pause to let her know I was close. She managed to come and she called out my name and then as I came inside her she said 'I love you so much. I'm sorry I was cross with you...I wasn't really cross at all. I'm in no hurry to change anything...' And I told her 'But if you want to I will do everything I can to help.' I meant that.  
'I know...besides you are right maybe this is the best time to have more babies. You know I love making them with you,' she murmured.  
I kissed her. She was still astride me. I slipped my shirt back on.  
'There's no rush. I just wanted you to know how I felt. We have to let each other know what we think and feel. That's what keeps us strong.'  
'I know Lochie. You are always right. And I love your idea about having a special day. I'd like that very much. Maybe in November. Just something simple.'  
'Yes but I want you to have whatever you want...so you remember it was was important. So we remember our past and look forward to our future.'  
'Lochie, I do that anyway.' She ran her fingers through my hair and kissed me. 'But I'd like a special dress. And I'd like the children to see it. Then they can always have an image in their minds to remind them how much we love each other, how we are just like anyone else.'  
'Yes Maya,' I knew what she meant. There would come a time when they would find out we were different. 'That's a beautiful idea. You tell me when and I will book some time off work for afterwards. So we sat on the floor, just talking, kissing together and it felt good. We don't get much time like that except when we are in bed because of the kids and, well, Tiffin.  
Then I heard a key in the door, and Tiffin staggered in, plonking himself on the other sofa opposite us.  
'Don't mind me,' he said. I saw he had a cut lip. Maya jumped up. I quickly picked up her knickers and put them in my pocket. She sat next to him, turning his face towards her  
'Oh Tiffin. You've been in a fight haven't you,' she asked, concerned.  
'It was nothing. It was just a couple of punches..'  
'Oh Tiff, you've been drinking. Lochie get him some ice.'  
'He looks okay.' I thought if he wants to drink and get in fights he should really look after himself.  
'Oh Lochie please,' she begged so I got up to get some.  
'Oh Tiffin, you promised me no more drink.' She ran her fingers through his hair. 'You must look after yourself. I won't let you out if you get into trouble.' Great I thought, that's all we need. No privacy at all.  
I brought back the ice, and Maya nursed him, while I sat opposite them.  
'Well I'm going to bed. You coming, Maya?' I said after Maya had been tending to Tiffin for ages.  
'Just a minute,' she said. 'I want to talk to Tiff.' Tiffin turned and smiled at me. I don't know what that smile meant. He put his arm round her waist and kissed her forehead.  
'Thank you Maya I'm fine, you go with Lochie.'  
'If you're sure...?'  
'Yes, of course.'  
'I will talk to you about your drinking tomorrow then.' She stood up holding his hand and slowly let it drop. She bent down and kissed a bruise on his forehead.  
'Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you?' she asked.  
'Sure sure...I'm fine'' he replied.  
So with Tiff's permission, Maya came upstairs with me .


	32. Maya

Lochie liked his new job. It was a smaller office, but he had more authority. It was travel writing but there was a lot of restructuring going on. Lochie's contract was for two years. So although it wasn't permanent it was a challenge for Lochie and he likes that.  
I missed Sydney, the city, my friends. But the project with the house kept me busy. Thank God I had Tiffin. It was great to be working alongside him. He taught me tiling and plastering. He said I was good, a quick learner. He was such a patient teacher, and we had a laugh too. I like to see him happy. Most days he would take a break when I had to pick up Freya and Aran from Preschool and he'd put one of them on his shoulders as we walked back home. We would have lunch on the beach and then Tiffin would go back to work. I think the routine was really helping him and he was drinking less. I know Tiffin will have to leave us one day again, but for now I get to have him with me. I know he is getting better. By Christmas most of the work to the house was done. Lochie loved it, not just because of the beauty of the religious structure but because although it had some modern touches inside, it had a history. He said it was a bit like the juxtaposition of the Natural History Museum he used to take the kids to in London. Old brick walls which hinted at the discoveries from the past next to modern metal and glass installations that highlighted the dinosaur bones in their glory. I pointed out that we had no dinosaurs here, just our own little monsters. But I new what he meant. The old and the new gave the place a sense of mystery and I liked the fact that he'd chosen it and I had with Tiff's help and dedication made it better.

Tiff said it was time for him to do some real work, I didn't want him to go so soon. We had paid him for working for us of course but he insisted on paying for board, which we really didn't want him to do at all. So then we'd give him more money for his work and he'd give us more back it was getting ridiculous. So though I didn't want him to go, I knew he wanted his independence and he seemed well. He had a job lined up in the new year, near Cairns, building an Eco village. He had a three month contract which would be renewed afterwards so he thought it was a good one. It gave him the chance of some flexibility but it was a project be wouldn't mind being involved in. Willa often goes to Cairns to research her invasive mussels and we said we would come up and see him too.

After Christmas, Lochie was told be would be needed in London before the end of January too. I was really annoyed as it was our last holiday before Freya started nursery school and we were going to go camping to Barrington Tops. We hadn't really discovered much of the surrounding areas in the past few months. Lochie had been busy with work I'd been busy on the house. So I had really been looking forward to getting to know the wilderness here. Lochie was just pleased he was going to be back for Freya's first day.  
'We could always go for a weekend ?' suggested Lochie.  
'You know you don't have weekends any more,' I reminded him. His workload was getting too much.  
'That will change after this trip I promise. This is what the work was leading up to,' he reminded me.  
'Yes I know..we'll do that...maybe the weather will be better for the kids later anyway...but they were so looking forward to it.'  
'I can take you, if you like,' suggested Tiffin.'Is that the problem, do you want me to help you with the kids? I know Barrington Tops - there are some easy walks and some things worth seeing.'  
'Yeah why don't you go with Tiff?' suggested Lochie. I guess he knew the chances of him committing to a family trip were actually quite remote at the moment.  
It wasn't exactly what I wanted. It was a long time since I had been on a proper camping trip with Lochie, I really wanted to spend more time with him. I think that's partly why we had an argument before Christmas, I want to have more attention from him, and give him more too. I loved to be with Lochie in the wilderness. He was unencumbered there. He had the same joy in the huge forests and mountains as he did in the tiny nature reserves he used to find for us to visit in London. He still had a joy in small things and liked to learn as much as he could about the flora and fauna of his adopted home. But it was true the kids would love it - I had built up their hopes of this wonderful adventure we were going to be having. And it would be good for Tiff.  
'What about work Tiff?' I asked.  
'Oh that's okay, they are flexible with start dates, it's fine. When are you going?' he asked Lochie.  
'The 11th.'  
'And when are you back Lochie?'  
'The 25th.'  
'Yeah that's good, I will do it.'  
And he picked up Freya and put her on his shoulders and had Aran in his arms. 'See we will be able to cover a lot of ground!' he called out happily. 'I will take you to places where no one else goes!' he said to the children happily.  
'I've booked the family campground Tiff,' I reminded him.  
'No you don't want that...we'll have a real adventure won't we kids. I will show you all kinds of beasties...' He was getting them really excited  
'What are you afraid of Maya. You like the wilderness don't you ...?' he said to me.  
'Yes but you know with the kids...water, walking...'  
'They will be fine. I will carry everything we need and them too.'  
He put them down and they ran to their father, climbing on him and asking him to tell them about the beasties they were going to find.  
'It's you, isn't it Maya. Are you scared of the beasties?" He picked me up. 'Will I have to carry you?' He spun me round and round. I thought he would fall over, but he didn't, he kept his eyes fixed on mine the whole time.

Lochie was pleased I was still going to get my trip with the kids, and he said he was going to try and see a bit of London in the evenings and on the weekend. I know he used to love it, he knew all the smaller museums, the quirky places, the galleries. And he would still be back for Freya's first day at nursery school.  
'Make sure Tiff doesn't get carried away,' said Lochie before he left.  
'What do you mean?' I asked.  
'Well don't do too much if you don't think it's right. They are our kids remember. You know what they can do,' he seemed a little concerned.  
'Don't worry he knows proper wilderness. We'll only be a few miles out from anywhere,' I reasoned. 'Tiffin's going to be a help, that's all.'  
'Yes, I know,' he agreed.'But also...' He hesitated  
'What?'  
'Nothing. Enjoy it. I will be thinking of you when I'm cooped up in the office in London in the winter.'  
'Anyone else going on the trip with you?'  
'No just me from this office. Someone I know from the Auckland office though,' he said.  
'Oh good.'  
'You wouldn't say that if you knew them,' he joked.  
'Oh?'  
'Yes, not the demographic they are going for anymore.'  
'Oh well I'm sure there will be lots of new people to meet.'  
'Yes. I'm not really going for that though...'  
I realised that although he was going back to where we grew up Lochie had really no one there he could meet up with and talk about old times. He had to have stunted friendships at university because of me and he had been too withdrawn for most of secondary school to build long lasting friendships. In the last year of sixth form he became more outgoing but how could he reconnect with any of those friends and talk about his wife and children, when he would be talking about me?  
I wasn't sure I would want to go back. I liked our life in Australia. It had been a bit difficult moving here. I guess I was getting a bit bored with my life and that made me feel worse because I knew for us having children at all was such a wonderful gift. It wasn't really the children though, it was more about me, I couldn't think of anything I was good at. Except maybe looking after Tiff. He always said he was happiest when he was home with us so I tried to do my best for him, it was easy to do that. Maybe if I could just make sure I had done everything right by Tiffin everything would be better.

I hated saying goodbye to Lochie. We hadn't been apart for so long since, well that awful time when he stayed away. We haven't been separate for a week at a time since and that has been rare. It was worse for Lochie though as he would be missing the kids, I know - and they would miss him terribly. He made bedtime so fun for them with his own stories I would be a poor second choice but Lochie said I would be just fine and it just meant we could look forward to being together again. He made love to me really gently on the last night before he left. He stayed on top and he moved slowly so it lasted a long time. I didn't come during that part but I loved every second of it.

So by the 11th Lochie was on his plane bound for Heathrow. Tiff kept himself busy with a few small jobs he found round the house, window frames, the decking, and I got ready for the trip. Camping with kids is different - you still have to be covered for every possibility. At least I didn't need to take any nappies, but food and water were going to take up a lot of space. I still wanted to use the campground but Tiff said we should do one day rural. So he packed a smaller tent for me to sleep in with the kids. He said he would just be sleeping outside anyway and it was easier to carry.

On our first day we set up camp and just let the kids play on the grass and in the river. Tiff kept them amused easily. I had brought nature books to help the kids learn about some of the plants and insects but Tiff was too distracting for them. Lochie would have been splashing around with them too, but he also would have been pointing out to me what all the birds were in the sky just by looking at their outline or the way they flew. Tiff wasn't like that but the kids were having fun with their uncle. I remembered when I had been worried to tell Tiff that I was expecting Freya. He had been pleasant enough with us by that point, well he'd always been good to me, but I thought he would be disgusted that we were having a baby. So I didn't tell him about her till she was born. I called him up and we had a long talk and he was fine. I found out later that he had been in rehab for one thing or another every year but he told me it was never anything to do with the children. He had come to terms with how we lived but drink problems from the early days had stayed with him, that was all. And I knew that day he came back what made him land a punch on our dad was when he said Freya shouldn't be in this world. So I knew Tiff thought she should. I could see he loved our children very much and I wish he would have his own soon, that would really ground him. But knowing how he had really struggled with the idea of Lochie and me being together and yet he just treated the children as if there was nothing unusual about their parentage just made me love him more.

The next day Tiff said we would head to Wombat Creek. It looked too far, but we could drive part of the way. The children loved trying to be explorers like their uncle and really walked further than they had before. The tree canopy offered some shelter from the heat and we found water to play in too, even little waterfalls. Sure enough Tiffin found the children all sorts of beasties. I was cross with him though when he said he was about to catch a really big snake in the grass for the children and then pretended he got bitten. They thought it was hilarious though. I told him off and said I wouldn't be able to sleep. That just made him laugh more. When he pretended there was a huge spider on my back though I just hit him I knew he was winding me up.

I let him decide where to camp and I set up the tent while he got a fire going. I gave him some matches but of course he said no. He told the children he really was a wizard in disguise and could make a fire just using sticks. Of course he could, he was used to the outback and I think could survive better there than the city. So then the children asked if I could do magic too and I couldn't think of anything to impress them. So Tiff said I could do the best magic of all - I had made them. And that made them really happy, and me too. Freya asked if I could magic another baby for them. Tiffin encouraged her. 'Yes Maya why don't you make a baby tonight?'

When it was time for bed I put the children to sleep in the tent and got my sleeping bag ready too. But it was too early to for me so I sat outside with Tiff. In the end Tiff got out his sleeping bag for me and just lay on the ground himself with some clothes propping up his head for a pillow and we looked at the stars - they were so bright. Tiffin pointed out ones he knew, Orion's Belt, Ursa major. I was surprised he knew them. But he said when he had been cattle driving, at night that's all he did. He conceded though some names were just told to him by fellow ranchers and he hadn't checked if they were true. That constellation was the flying fish he'd been told, and he wasn't sure that was so. And did I see those three stars in a row? I looked hard to see which ones he meant.  
'Yes I see them,' I said. 'They are very bright, what are they called?'  
'That's called the Big Dick,' laughed Tiff.  
I just went to pound at his chest.  
'You are incorrigible!' I was laughing too.  
'Am I? I don't know what that means. Is it a good thing?' he asked.  
'No, it isn't,' I replied.  
'What does it mean?'  
'Well it means...' and I was for a second lost for words.  
'You don't know do you? You just think it sounds good. Say it again,' teased Tiff.  
'Incorrigible,' I said.  
'Now say it three times quickly.'  
'Incorrigible, Incoridibull, ingogidibull.'  
We both laughed  
'There I told you,' said Tiff 'you are just showing off.'  
'No,'I replied. 'It means you are impossible to reform.'  
'Well that's not even true is it? You know you can. You already have.' He pulled me closer to him.i liked nestling in his arms after our long day.

After a bit I told him I was going to go in the tent so he could have his sleeping bag back.  
'I don't need it I'm used to sleeping like this. Stay with me. The kids are fine,' he implored.  
'It's not just that... after you were catching all those bugs I'm worried about all the bitey things.'  
'Yes I could see that's a problem,' he said pretending to look serious, and he quickly leaned in biting and sucking me on the neck making me shiver.  
'Don't be daft Tiff,' I squealed.  
'Shh. You will wake the kids.' he said. I went to get up but he stilled me. Instead he got up and went to the tent. He pulled my sleeping bag out and laid it down for himself by the opening of the tent, next to mine.  
'The kids are fine. Stay with me. Sleeping outdoors is the best thing. I never feel alone then, but I'd like to share it with you tonight,' he whispered softly. I knew I couldn't refuse him so I curled up next to him. He turned on his side and held me in his arms.  
'Do you feel better now Tiff? I asked.  
'Yes I love being here with you...and the kids,' he replied.  
'No I mean all the time, not just here.'  
'Yes I think so, I think I understand myself better now,' he said thoughtfully.  
'I'm so pleased Tiff.' I turned towards him, I'd been looking straight up. 'You are very special to me.' I could never forget how when he was just 16 and he learnt about me and Lochie he had never said a bad word to me, had never turned away from me.  
'And you are to me,' he said.  
I smiled at him and kissed his cheek. I turned over so that my back was towards him. It was hot so our sleeping bags were unzipped, loosely covering us. I could feel him breathing softly on my neck and I thought I like this. I knew I shouldn't but I really liked it. As I was drifting of to sleep Tiff put his hand round my waist and he drew himself closer to me. I wasn't sure if he was too close? But I liked him holding me like that.  
'Night Tiffin,' I murmured. He didn't reply, I think he was already asleep. So I stayed in his arms and stretched my toes making my body fit perfectly along his. I could tell he had a hard on in his sleep and that made me smile, I knew he couldn't help it. I thought maybe I should move away after all, should I wake him up? But I didn't want to embarrass him and the rhythm of his breathing made me feel tired. I went to sleep in his arms thinking how much I liked being with him, not here in this sleeping bag, but just all the time. He was always so attentive to me, I wanted it to stay just like that. But things always change.

In the morning I was disorientated. I heard Aran and Freya babbling together, but instead of the walls of my room there was a tree canopy. I turned over to kiss Lochie my fingers were interlaced with his as he held me to him. But I stopped as I remembered I had fallen asleep in my brother's arms and Tiff was holding me, still.


	33. Maya

We enjoyed the next day or two camping, back in the lower ground again. Freya missed her a Daddy so I fell asleep with the children both nights in the tent, I apologised to Tiff for going to sleep so early but he said he understood. He was glad we had all had a busy day. So on the fourth day we headed back home.

Lochie wasn't due back for a few more days. I asked Tiff when he needed to set off for Cairns and he said not yet, he could stay till Lochie came back. So we just spent time altogether, going to the beach, having picnics when and where we wanted. I had been feeling a bit low around Christmas because I couldn't see where my life was going, but spending time like this as a family made me think that life was good anyway. I just wished I could spend more time with Lochie. I had missed him a lot these 10 days and I wanted to show him how much. Luckily Tiff kept us all busy. So on a Friday afternoon we had just come back from the beach and were sitting altogether in the shade of the palms in the garden when in walked Lochie. He told us he had finished work in London early and had swapped flights, he wanted to surprise us. He put his bags down on the decking and the children ran to him, smothering him with kisses.  
I had been sitting on my sarong on the grass - with Tiffin next to me. I got up to kiss Lochie, but I could barely get to him. Aran was attached to him like a little bush baby and Freya was pulling him by the hand.  
But just seeing him, just touching him briefly made me so conscious of how much I wanted him. Freya let go of his hand momentarily so that he could place his hand on the small of my back - I just had my gold bikini on - and he kissed me quickly.  
'I have missed you,' he said  
'I have missed you too. We all have Lochie.' I wanted him to hold me more, longer, but Aran was in his arms and Freya began to pull her Daddy to sit on the bench. He pretended to stumble making Aran laugh and sat down with Aran and Freya beside him. 'How was your trip?' he asked everyone.  
The children answered first, talking together about the rivers they walked in, the creatures they saw and all the games they played with Tiffin, including the snake he supposedly caught. I liked watching Lochie with the children. I know he dotes on them too much and in return I know how much the children love to be with him. He listened so patiently and with such engagement to every little story they wanted to tell him, so I knew it would be a while before I got a word in. I got up to pour Lochie some water, and took a glass over to Tiffin too. He took it from me and pulled me onto his lap.  
'It's nice to see them together, isn't it?' said Tiff, but the way he said it didn't seem to match his words.  
'Yes,' I said.'He is very easy to love and so are they.' I could see Tiff looked a bit sullen. 'Don't worry you will have all that one day.'  
'Will I ?' he asked.  
'You're only young Tiff. You will be a brilliant dad when you are ready.' Tiff smiled at me and rubbed his fingers down my back, tickling me.  
Lochie looked up. 'Did you two have a good time?'  
'Yes,' I answered, and I began to tell him about some of the details of our trip, but Freya turned her father's face to hers to have all his attention.  
'It was great,' said Tiff. 'Maya and I slept together, under the stars.'  
Lochie didn't look up.  
'Tiff?' I said.  
'What?' he asked innocently.  
'Er, there's a better way of putting it?' I suggested.  
Tiffin looked blank.'Oh what you mean us sleeping together? Oh yes, I suppose so, sorry. But Lochie's not listening anyway. He's not even looking. Watch.' And with that announcement he turned round and stuck his tongue in my ear as he drew his fingernails down my back, then tickling me again, this time round my waist. I jumped off his lap laughing and he made me falll to the ground.  
'You idiot, Tiff.' I laughed.  
'You alright there?' asked Lochie putting Aran and Freya down. He gave them some stickers and pens that were filling his pockets and they began to sort them out between them.  
'Yes,' I said. 'Its just your brother is...'  
'Incorrigible?' filled in Tiffin.  
'Exactly.' I replied. Seeing my opportunity, I walked over to my husband and sat leaning next to him. Lochie ran his hands over me and through my hair.  
'Thanks for making the trip special for the kids Tiff,' Lochie said. 'I'm sure they will always remember it.'  
'It was nothing. I was pleased they were happy without you.' Tiff went to stand up.  
'What were you saying about the stars before Tiff?' Lochie asked.  
'Oh, there's nothing much to tell. Maybe another time.... I'll let you have some time together. Maya's had plenty of me these last two weeks. Shall I get some dinner ready?'  
'Yes Tiff, that would be great,' I said, and he went inside.  
'Is he okay?' asked Lochie.  
'Yes he is fine. Sometimes his moods are a bit up and down, but he's been happy. I think he's okay to go to Cairns if that's what you mean.  
'Good, that will be best for him. I don't want him to get bored round here. Have the kids been busy today?'  
'Yes, we have been on the beach.'  
'Good, maybe that means they can have an early night?'  
'Yes,' I smiled.  
'Asleep by half seven?' he suggested.  
'At the very latest. If they play outside till dinner I think we could be talking about seven o'clock.'  
'Even better,' he replied. So we just sat there talking together, watching our children play until it was time to go inside.


	34. Maya

After dinner, Tiffin went out. We both put the children to bed. I read them their last story while Lochie had a shower. He never sleeps well on planes and wanted to stay awake now. When I came into the bedroom Lochie was waiting for me. I had had a shower earlier to wash the sand off me and was just wearing a white linen tunic over a nude 50's pin up bra and knickers Lochie had bought me recently, as I knew he liked it. He helped me out of the tunic, but I was right, he liked my underwear and asked me to keep it on. He just had a towel round his waist and his hair was wet. He looked tired but absolutely gorgeous.

He took off his towel and lay in bed next to me. I lay on my side, propped up next to him so I could just look at him. The creases round his eyes that reminded me of all the happy times we have already shared. I stroked his beautiful body, that only belongs to me. We just talked for a while, his hands just running along my curves. It felt like there was no one else in the world but us. Nothing else mattered.

Lochie told me he could have stayed on in London and waited for his flight but decided he wanted to come back. He had had to pay to swap flights but it was worth it to come back to us. He said he had walked round London in the evenings along the Thames, past the Globe, both the Tates. He had walked round Kings Cross and Waterloo past all the places we used to go. He went to one of the art galleries that was open late on a Friday and he said he realised he didn't miss it. He wanted to come home.

'I'm glad you did Lochie, that means we have the weekend together. Do you have any work to do?' I asked.  
'No I got it all done before I left, I might be busy the next few weeks, but this weekend it will be just like it used to be,' he replied.  
I remembered when we would spend lots of time together enjoying each other's company even when the children arrived. Or when he would take the children out so I could have time to myself. We had been so happy I think that's why I had taken the move badly. I just didn't see enough of him anymore. He was just so good to me, so good for me.

'You're tired Lochie, let me look after you,' I said sliding my hand across his abdomen to his cock.  
'No, not yet. I'm not that tired. I have got some presents for you. Can I show them to you now?' he asked sweetly. He always spoils me with presents  
'All I want now is you,' I told him, which was very true.  
'Let me show you some of them now. You will like them,' he said.  
He was clearly excited, so I let him. He had bought me some pretty little hair clips and a hair band from Anthropologie. Delicate little metal flowers. And a long dress from there as well, it started with blue flowers at the top then they faded out to orange at the bottom. Everything went nicely together, he was good at that. He was going for a hippy chic look, I liked it. Then he got out a bag from Agent Provocateur. That's usually fun. This time he got me a tiny emerald green triangle bra and matching little knickers in a slightly shiny fabric.  
'These are pretty,' I said, kissing him. 'When do you want me to wear them?'  
'It's a bikini, it's for the beach.'  
'In your dreams Lochie, I'm not wearing that on the beach,' I laughed. There was very little fabric involved in this rather stunning creation.  
'Why not? You can.You would look beautiful. Your body is beautiful, it suits your hair,' he said kissing me and taking me back into bed with him.  
'I think it would only stay on in the water with a lot of luck and a bit of a prayer. But I like it. Maybe if we go to a secluded beach, just me and you? I will wear it for you then. Maybe we could set a date for saying our vows to each other, and we could have a few days alone?  
'That would make me very happy. I'm looking forward to it already,' he said gently, kissing me.  
'Thank you Lochie, for everything. I hope I never forget how beautiful my life with you is."  
'Why would you forget? I won't. That's what our love is,' he replied tenderly.  
'I know, I just mean I don't want to take you for granted. I really missed you these past days that's all.'  
'It's okay Maya. We live in the real world, there's always going to be times when we are busy. But I know I always love you and I think - even when you are annoyed with me - that you love me.'  
'You know I do. And it have been thinking, I would like to have another baby with you. I can't have a career here so it's the best time to do it. Maybe we could start trying soon?'  
'Maya, you know how much I would love that, but only if that's what you want.'  
'It is. I will just have a look at when is a good time to start. Our children need to be born for the beginning of the school year so I will work that out. It never takes us long does it?'  
'No, it doesn't,' agreed Lochie with a smile. 'Just let me know when you are ready.'  
'I will, Lochie. But now let me concentrate on you. Let me show you how I love you with every part of me.'

So then Lochie let me make love to him as best as I could. I put on some Tropical House music seeing as it was early and I didn't want to think of Tiffin coming back into the house. Though I started gently I didn't want either of us to feel like we had to hold back.  
At first I did all the work, putting on a show for Lochie as I rode him. He likes that. But he soon got involved. I can honestly say every single time we make love together I enjoy it. It's never routine. Maybe other people have that too, I don't know. But maybe there is always that unsaid gratitude that we found each other like this even though society said we shouldn't. So I managed to make Lochie come twice, once inside me, which is my favourite, I like to feel him throbbing into me. The second time he asked to come over me, which he likes. I know he's a very visual person, and it arouses him to come over my breasts. I think there's something territorial about it too, not that he has anything to worry about there. Besides whatever he likes, I like. He made me come in between too - he's quite the linguist. So we fell asleep together quite early but very very contented to be together again.


	35. Lochan

Maybe there's some truth in the old phrase 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' because when I got back from my trip to London it was as if I had Maya back. She was clearly pleased I had returned not just that day, but ever since. She has been back to her normal self. She has been very attentive to me, and I to her. I tried to be as efficient as possible at work so we could spend as much time as possible together, as I know the move has been hard on her. Work is creeping up again, but it will be over soon, I can see the end is in sight and it will all be worth it.

We have set a date for our vows, which we will do on Fraser Island, with our family. Willa will then keep the kids for a few days so we can have a holiday together, the first since the children were born. That's what has delayed setting a date - I knew I wouldn't be able to take any time off work for a bit, and then we had to think of Willa's and Kit's schedule so we have to wait nearly 6 months. Tiffin doesn't have a schedule so that was easy. The waiting part is good, but Maya said she didn't want to be too pregnant on the day so we have just delayed that for a couple of months too.

Tiffin left for Cairns shortly after I got back from London. As much as I love him, I think that's better for all of us. I think Maya was beginning to get as dependent on him as he is on her. Working on the house at first and having him around all day I don't think she was making an effort to make friends, but she is now, and she seems happier. I'm glad she has that bond with Tiffin and I'm glad they had that camping trip together. I was worried that he may be impractical with the children because he is all about having fun, but it seems like they had a good time. I like him to take responsibility for things - I guess he just seems young to me, compared to what I had to do at 24, or a lot younger come to that. He thinks I don't know when he's trying to wind me up, but I do. His sense of humour is well, a bit close to the edge, but if I ignore it he seems to give up. I'd like him to get a permanent job, I think that would help him. Then I'd be happy for him to live with us a bit longer if that's what he wanted. I know he is going to need our support for a bit longer.

So if Maya is happy, the kids are happy then I'm happy. It's all good.


	36. Maya

There was just over three months to go before Lochie and I say vows together, and I was getting excited. Even though it was just going to be us and the kids and Willa, Kit and Tiffin, it was still important for us, and having that to think about has made me less down about living here. Lochie already had a linen suit in a sand colour and a white shirt. He had tried it on for me and he looked absolutely gorgeous. Just the right mix of formal for our special occasion and casual enough for the beach. I asked him if I could make love to him right then when he was wearing it, and he didn't say no. So I was ferocious with him. My libido has gone crazy thinking of our big day, I guess that's the reason, anyway it's fun. I seem to always be thinking about sex, especially if I have more time to myself when Tiffin is away. I thought I might be pregnant, but I'm not, we aren't trying yet. As soon as we put the kids to bed I need him. Lochie doesn't seem to mind... Because Tiff isn't here we don't have to confine ourselves to the bedroom. Lochie likes to make love to me in the living room, where the stained glass windows are. It must be good to need each other so much after 16 years and 2 kids. I guess that is our special bond, we make the most of it.

I hadn't found anything right to wear yet.There was too much choice. My idea was earth mother but sexy, but not too sexy...I don't know, I couldn't decide. One thing I wanted to wear was the emerald bikini that Lochie had bought me in London. It was so special, and so little of it that I had never worn it, but I liked it and so did Lochie. Maybe I could wear it under my dress or would it show through? So one day I was just trying it on its own to see what I looked like. I turned my standing mirror round to face the the mirrored door so I could see myself from all angles. Yes that might do the sexy part. It really was quite eye catching. I could see I looked good in it. I knew Lochie would like it. Just then I heard the door. The kids were both on play dates, I didn't have to pick them up till 6. It was unusual for Lochie to be back this early.  
'Maya,' he called, 'are you in?'  
'Yes I'm in the bedroom,' I answered. 'Come find me!'  
I heard him run up the stairs, he must be keen I thought to myself. He will be pleased to see me like this.  
Then I suddenly thought maybe I didn't want him to see me in the bikini yet, maybe I should save it for our day so I began to slip out of the top. Too late he was at the door.  
'Oh hello Maya, you look...lovely. So do I get a prize for finding you?' .....said Tiffin.  
'Tiff!' I exclaimed drawing my arm across my naked breasts. 'What are you doing here?'  
'I don't know my mind's gone blank,' he said, quite seriously.  
I went to pull a sheet of the bed to hide myself but Tiff came over to me.  
'Let me help you...it's caught in your hair. Are you putting it on or taking it off?' he asked.  
'On,' I said. It was true, in the hurry to take it off it had got a little twisted in my hair. I could have sorted it out myself but that would have meant exposing my breasts again. I suppose I should have asked Tiff to leave, but I didn't .  
I let him approach me and he put one hand on my waist. It wasn't the first time he has touched me there but it felt different. Then he removed that hand and untied the string from my hair, touching my shoulders softly. Then he turned around so I could pull the bra back on.  
'Are you decent?' he asked.  
'Yes,' I said although I was aware I was still standing in this very special bikini I was keeping for my husband in front of my brother.  
'That's very nice,' he said turning round.  
'Lochie got it for me.'  
'He has good taste. He's very lucky.'  
'Oh shut up Tiff,' I said 'I'm going to wear this for our special day. Did you get my text about that? I said, coming to sit down on the bed.  
'Oh yeah, sorry, I thought I replied. I will be there of course. So tell me did you miss me?'  
I had been keeping myself really busy, making new friends and being a better homemaker than I naturally am since he had gone. But seeing Tiffin again I realised I had just been trying to fill the void his absence had made.  
'Oh Tiffin, you don't know how much...' I confessed.  
'So it's true absence makes the heart grow fonder?' he said, smiling.  
'With you yes, because you are so rubbish at keeping in touch. I worry,' I explained.  
'I'm sorry Maya. But it's the same for me I really miss you and the kids when I'm away. If I phoned you all the time I'd just want to come back. But you got my texts yes? You know I'm okay?'  
'Yes, I knew. I'm proud of you.'  
I took his hand and gestured to him to sit down on the bed with me. He smelled of wood chips, saw dust. I love that masculine scent on him.  
'Have you come straight from the building site?' I asked.  
'Yes,' he replied,' I couldn't wait to get home to you. I had my bag packed ready with me. I wanted it to be a surprise. Sorry, maybe I should have had a shower first...'  
'Well it is a very nice surprise ... Don't worry you smell very earthy. I like it. I'm glad you are back.'  
I hugged him and he held me, and I kissed his cheek.  
'You look really well Tiff, I'm so pleased.'  
'Thank you Maya, I feel very good now. I'm very good with drinking. If I don't touch it I'm fine. But enough about me, tell me about you. What about your big day? Apart from this bikini, will you be wearing anything else?'  
'Don't be daft, I'm wearing this after or maybe underneath..'  
'Mmm yes that will be good. Lochie will be pleased to unwrap you..' he murmured, looking me over. 'Oh it's still a bit twisted. 'Can I fix it for you?'  
'It's okay...'  
'Are you sure? I want to see it properly.'  
'Okay, yes, Tiff,' I agreed.  
He ran his finger under the tie round my back.  
'Hold up your hair, he said. I did as he asked me.  
'I'll just tie it up again for you.' he explained. To do that of course he would have to untie it first. He pulled the string. I gasped a little and my chest heaved. I put my arm across my front knowing that the tiny green triangles would fall away from my breasts. Tiff hesitated just for a moment then retied the strings.  
'There Maya, that's better. What are you putting on top of it for your day then?'  
I didn't answer him straightaway. I suddenly felt as if I was naked in front of him. I liked his scent, I liked the way he looked in his work clothes. I liked the way he touched me so gently. It made me self conscious.I reached for a shirt I had discarded and put in on, leaving it unbuttoned.  
'I haven't decided yet.' I explained to him the look I was going for, pleased to have something to take my mind off things.  
'Yes that's quite specific. I can't quite visualise it. Can you draw me a picture?'  
I pulled out a pen and paper from the bedside table and drew a quick sketch, I have had training when I was at art school and can do fashion sketches quickly.  
'That looks amazing. Have you left it a bit late though?'  
'I hope not, but I kept changing my mind. I got a few things from the internet but they were nothing like the pictures. I don't want anything too expensive....' I took the sketch from him and out it back in the drawer.  
'I think you should splash out. This is a day you should always remember. Although you'd look gorgeous in anything. Lochie loves spending his money on you.'  
'That's just it I hate spending his money.'  
'I didn't mean it like that,' said Tiffin.  
'I know but I need to get a job - this house has cost us a fortune but I look at the jobs and I can't do anything ....'  
'That's not true you can do anything,' he said, putting his arm round me again.  
'You're my brother you would say that...' I mumbled.  
'It's true for you,' he said.  
'I can do lots of things but none of them very well...'  
'I know that's not true. And you wouldn't have let me or Willa say anything like that. Now it's my turn to encourage you. Remind me what you can do.'  
'Well I have audit certificates that I never used, a textile degree that's too specific. My design work wasn't much more than pocket money. The thing I'm best at is being a barista...' I sounded defeatist.  
'Look it's just because you have always looked after kids - me and Willa then your own, it hard for women with responsibilities. Lochie walked into a job and has been promoted every year because he didn't take any breaks but if you want a career you can have one.' he said earnestly.  
'How come you understand all this?' I asked.  
'It helps to be a good listener with women..' he smiled.  
'Is that so?' I knew he was a ladies man but he actually was genuinely interested and sensitive though he puts on a laddish show.  
'Maybe I can help you?' he offered.  
'How?' I asked  
'You took before and after photos of the house? Give them to me. I can get jobs all the time just by walking into offices and building sites looking for work. I will network for you. With your design background I will get you something if you want it. See if you can find me your certificates, and update your CV if you want. I will just go and talk with people I know, but I know lots of people.' he explained.  
'I don't know Tiff..'  
'Give me a month I will find you something I know I will.'  
'I love you just for having faith in me. You don't have to do it.'  
'But I will do it. Then you can do it if you want to, or not.'  
'You're wonderful.' I told him and I smiled, maybe a little shyly. I hugged him and he pressed his cheek next to mine, I kissed him near the corner of his mouth, like I normally do. We both took in a deep breath. His hands accidentally went under my shirt, over my bare back. Then be drew away, lost in thought.  
'Where are the kids now?' he asked.  
'Just at a friends,' I answered.  
'When do you have to get them?'  
'6.'  
'6? So you have an hour till you pick up the kids?'  
'Yes Tiff. An hour.'  
'Won't Lochie be able to pick them up?'  
'He won't be home till 8.30, you know how late he works.'  
'Okay....' he said. I didn't fill the silence. One of my hands was resting on his thigh and I suddenly felt conscious of it being there. Buy I also didn't want to draw attention to how close I was to him by drawing it away. We both were still for a moment, maybe a moment too long. The silence just sat there between us. I had a terrible feeling in my body. No it wasn't terrible at all, it was good.  
But then Tiff spoke. I was relieved. 'Okay. I will just clean up and take a shower. Maybe I can come and get the kids with you? Suprise them I'm back.'  
'Yes they'd like that. You haven't bought them any monstrous soft toys this time have you?'  
'No, they will just have to make do with me.'  
'That's just fine. That's all they want.'  
'What about you? What do you want?"  
I almost went to answer him with a kiss and and I love you like I always answer his questions like that. But this time I couldn't.  
Maybe Tiff saw my hesitation for he didn't insist on an answer, he just placed his hand on my shoulder and walked away. I wished he hadn't gone.

When Lochie came home the children were already in bed. I told him Tiff was back, but he was out. I think he was pleased about that - the latter part. I don't know if he was pleased Tiff was back so soon. He carried me upstairs and he didn't ask if he could do anything to me, because he knows he can do everything to me. He alternated between thrusting inside me, licking me, putting his cock in my mouth, as if he wanted it all at once. And I let him decide, I loved it all, besides I wanted him to use me, but he isn't like that, he loves me.

The next day, Lochie and I went for a walk together with the kids, but mainly we stayed at home. I worked in the garden and Lochie played with the children. He got them to do some paintings which he stuck to the fridge and said he was going to take the very best ones to his office. So Freya made him about 6 - one of a frog, one of the moon, one of all of us, though she forgot to do Aran, and a few more. Lochie was enthusiastic about them all, even though to be honest I couldn't tell some of them apart. Tiff was scarcely around at the weekend and spent more time with the kids than with me, but they were happy. He said it was just a quick stop, but he would be back again soon. I don't think that had been his original plan at all. I hoped I hadn't ruined anything. I didn't mean anything, what we did, how I held him. He's my brother, that's all it is. He knows that.  
All too soon, he was gone again.


	37. Lochan

Planning our wedding vows to each other seems to be good for us. It's made me think about everything Maya has done for me in so many ways. I keep adding to it, changing it, it's a bit like an essay I have so much to say about how I love her. Maya said she's been writing something, but I don't know if she works on it as much as me. One thing she has been working on though is sex. Since Tiffin's been gone this time she has been like a teenager, wanting sex as soon as the children are in bed. I think she took on board my comments about needing more time together. Although I didn't just mean sex, I can't complain.  
So maybe I seemed a bit disappointed when she told me Tiff was back. It was a bit soon I thought. But to be fair, he has hardly been around. I think Maya must have asked him to give us some personal space because I noticed some tension between them when they have been together, not their usual playful selves. I'm sorry if I'm the cause of that.

Everything is good. Work has crept up again, with the website to work on everything moves so fast to maximise revenues I have to keep ahead of everything. I'm determined to do well. I'm half way through my contract, and Maya has been supportive of me again even though my hours are increasing once more. I think we are going to get through this with no problems.


	38. Maya

Tiffin was true to his word he was adamant he would try to find something for me. He hadn't been with us for many days when he said he had to go again, which isn't like him, so I suspected he just wanted to keep his promise to me. I don't think it was anything to do with what happened in my bedroom. I guess we were a bit distant with each other afterwards - maybe we were embarrassed about the bikini thing that's all. He took copies of my certificates, a portfolio of my textile work and photos of the house we had done up together, well more him than me, but he said that didn't matter.  
In three weeks he was back. I didn't ask him about whether he had found anything for me at first, I was just pleased he was home. Lochie was working later and later so I was looking forward to some company. Tiffin looked serious, so I thought he might have a problem with me after all. He said hello and that he was tired, he had caught an early flight from Cairns. He said he needed a drink, and I was worried he was going to have a beer so early, it wasn't midday. But he just poured himself some sparkling water. Then he sat down on the sofa. I sat down with him.  
'Tell me what you got up to Tiff. You are back quickly this time.'  
'Yes well I wasn't working really, was I?' he explained.  
'No?'  
'I just had a few things to do. I went to Hong Kong.'  
'Oh...' Maybe I sounded disappointed...maybe he hadn't been looking for work for me after all.  
But Tiffin tilted my chin up and smiled at me. I has a feeling he might have some good news. 'Just for a few days,' he explained. 'Then I went to Cairns. I worked on an Eco village there last time?'  
'Oh yes.'  
'Well that's nearly all done now. But the company is expanding. They have a subsidiary that is converting a jail into a hotel. '  
'So you have some work coming up?'  
'Well I could. That's not what I went for though.'  
'No?'  
'No, you know what I went for..'  
'Well I wasn't sure....'  
'When I say I will do something I do it...' He was really smiling now.  
'Oh Tiff have you found something for me...?' I asked anxiously.  
'Yes I have. Well they have a team of designers they want to come in at weekends when the site is clear to get some rooms ready for investors. Then they need the whole thing done. They are just at the beginning of the project. There are some meetings to attend, they need more juniors to do sourcing. They are going for something different not all magnolia walls. They want edgy, boutique...you know...your sort of thing.'  
'Oh Tiff ...that sounds wonderful. I bet you had to pull in some favours...'  
'Well no...not really. You might think I'm a bit of a layabout when I'm here, but when I'm on site I'm good. I supervise people you know. I'm not just a brickie. Anyway this isn't about me, ' he pulled me on top of him, running his fingers through my hair. 'It was all you.'  
'Oh Tiffin, you are so good to me.' I was straddling him now and bent to kiss him, lots of little kisses all over his face. He didn't kiss me back,he just laughed. But then he stopped me, and looked at me.  
'Maya,' he said 'Can you....er would you?  
'What ?'  
'I'm not very comfortable. Can you get off my lap?'  
'Oh, sorry Tiff, I was just being silly. I got carried away. Did I hurt you?"  
'No, you didn't hurt me...' He couldn't mean anything else? I didn't give him a hard on had I? I wasn't thinking about that. Was I being naive? This is what brothers and sisters did, wasn't it? I used to muck around with Kit all the time. I guess we were younger then, we would have play fights, food fights. Even a few years ago, before I had children I guess, I would muck around with Kit, having a laugh. Lochie would just groan. Maybe I didn't use to kiss Kit so much, but I was tactile, we all were.  
'Tiff, I....'  
'It's nothing, it's just my back, forget it,' he said, readjusting how he was sitting and putting his hand on his forehead like he was trying to refocus.   
'Its brilliant Tiff,' I said changing the subject. 'You are brilliant.'  
'No you are. I'm just so pleased to do this for you, after everything you've done for me.' He ran his fingers through my hair. I liked the way he was looking at me. I knew he meant what he said.  
'Tiffin I owe you already....' I didn't mention why, he knows why.  
'It's okay Maya, this is for you.' He kissed me just quickly near my lips like we might do with anyone when saying hello or goodbye but I didn't know why he did it then. And I don't know why it made my toes tingle. He seemed almost shy, it was so sweet. It was lovely.   
'Tiff,' I said, 'how ever can really I do it...Cairns?'  
'No that's why it's so good. It's from home a lot of it. There's a week in Cairns coming up then Friday evening through to Monday will work. They don't want you there while the builders are there.That's what I worked out for you.'  
'But the kids?'  
'We'll sort something out,' he said. 'Lochie will step up.'  
'It's not a case of stepping up, it's whether he can.'  
'Well look here he is you can ask him.'  
Lochie had just come back from a trip to the beach with the kids.  
'Hello Tiff , you're back soon. Freya, Aran, you can go in the garden if you stay in the shade. I will bring you a picnic in a minute. You can set your toys out if you want,' he told them. I knew they would do exactly what he said.  
The kids ran round gathering their teddies, chatting excitedly together, but not before they had a hug from their uncle. Then they disappeared outside. Lochie even makes an ordinary Saturday lunch time fun for them.  
'So what's up now?' Lochie asked Tiff.  
'Yeah don't worry I'll be off soon. I just had some news for Maya,' he replied.  
'Oh yes?'  
'Yes Lochie , Tiffin has got a fabulous job for me - in interior design,' I exclaimed.  
'He has? How come?  
'Don't act so surprised. Who do you do you doubt me or Maya?' questioned Tiff. I don't know why he was so defensive with Lochie, angry even.  
'I don't doubt anyone,' Lochie explained. 'It's just a bit sudden that's all.'  
'Well she's waited over 5 years to think about going back to work so it's not that sudden..' said Tiffin sharply.  
'She has only just been thinking about it though, Tiff.' replied Lochie.  
'I can talk for myself,' I interrupted.'It's just something to try..it's temporary...'  
'No it's fine. I want you to do what you want...you know that,' said Lochie.  
'Yes I know.' I took his hand.  
'Tell me more about it.,' he asked. So he sat down next to me and I filled him in on the details.  
'It sounds fabulous, just right for you. But which jail? I don't know anything round here,'  
'It's not round here...it's in Cairns,' I explained.  
'Cairns? How can you work in Cairns?' He didn't shout but I could see he was surprised.  
'But it's just the weekends...' I suggested.  
'I don't mind that Maya...that's fine..but you said Mondays too? '  
'Well we could find childcare...'  
'I'm back at half 8 Maya ...how could I sort that out?'  
'You could take some Mondays off?'  
'Maya my job's not like that. You know that....I run the place...' He was beginning to sound frustrated.  
'Well just one or two...it's not forever...we could find a babysitter to pick them up and come here.'  
'Great...that will work.'  
'We could try?' I was beginning to plead.  
'I don't like it...when does it start?'  
'Oh I don't know,' I realised. 'Tiff when does it start?'  
'Next week, the week away is next week.'  
'Fuck Maya, a week away? Next week?' shouted Lochie. 'That's not going to work. Stop getting her hopes up. Stop humouring her Tiff.'  
'Lochie!' I exclaimed. I felt totally defeated by his words.  
'I'm not humouring her, I'm supporting her.' Tiff retaliated. 'Which you know is actually your job...but if you're not doing it, I'm happy to.'  
'Fuck off, Tiff!' yelled Lochie.  
'Don't get angry with me mate, I'm only doing what a brother is meant to do for his sister,' Tiff retorted.  
'You fucking shit!' Lochie yelled again.  
'Lochie, Tiff. Please God don't. Tiff how can you say that? You are insulting me when you say that. You are insulting my children.' I begged.  
'Our children,' said Lochie.  
'I'm sorry,' said Tiff. 'I didn't mean it like that... I'm sorry. I really just wanted to help. I can't do much...I just wanted to help. You are right Lochie there's not enough time. I'm sorry I got your hopes up Maya.'  
'It's okay Tiff,' I said to him.'if there's this there will be something else. Please be friends.'  
Tiff extended his hand first.  
'I'm sorry Lochie. I really didn't mean to offend you. I'm sorry . Do you want me to go?'  
Lochie took his hand. 'It's okay. No I don't want you to go. Maya doesn't want you to go.' Was that a qualifier?  
'Thanks for trying for me Tiff,' I said. He tried to smile for me.  
'Wait! You know there is one way you could do it though...' he exclaimed.  
'How?'  
'If I come with you for that week. I will look after the kids, they will be with you in the evenings. Then on the Mondays, over the next few weeks, I can be around, I will mind the kids here...and Willa would be able to spare a couple of days too I think...That could work Lochie, couldn't it?' suggested Tiff happily.  
Lochie looked like he was considering it, but wasn't convinced.   
'I don't know ...' I said, 'there's school.'  
'She's 5 she can miss a week of school can't she Lochie?' he asked.  
'Yes I suppose so,' he replied.  
'And you'd put up with me wouldn't you Lochie? If you needed to work later then you could, so you would have more time together when Maya comes back?'  
'That could be helpful,' Lochie agreed.  
'So I can do it Lochie?' I asked.  
'I wasn't stopping you Maya. It was just knowing how to care for the children. It was so sudden. But you can try this and that will give us time to sort out childcare for the future if we need it.'  
'Thank you Lochie.'  
'You don't need to thank me. It's Tiffin you should thank I believe.'  
I kissed Lochie and I hugged Tiffin. 'I'm so lucky. I love you both so much.' I said. I thought afterwards did that sound right?


	39. Maya  - Cairns

We left for Cairns before midday on Sunday so that the children could have an afternoon there with me before I devoted myself to work. I was in a whirl for most of the weekend so hardly got to spend any time with Lochie. He was busy most of Saturday anyway, though he put his work aside on Sunday morning to be with the kids.  
'I will miss you,' he said to me as we left. 'The house will be very empty without you.'  
'Its just 5 days, we will be back before you know it.' I reminded him. Luckily perhaps, he was finishing work so late these days he wouldn't miss us. 'Maybe you will be able to have some time free next weekend if we are out of the way this week?'  
'Absolutely. Enjoy yourself. You will be fantastic, Maya. Call me whenever you like.'  
'Yes, I can't believe it's really happening. I will get the kids to talk to you before you leave the office. Around 7?'  
'Perfect.' Lochie said to me. 'Thank you Tiff for doing this. Take care of my family.'  
'As if they were my own, mate,' replied Tiff. 'You know we will have fun....and yes, I might get them to learn something too.' He patted Lochie on the back. I know Lochie had concerns about Tiff having sole charge of the kids in a new city, but I reassured him he would be fine. I was the one after all who always saw them together, and although Tiffin was a joker with me and his friends, he was responsible, but still fun, with the kids - which really is what you want from an uncle after all. So I had full confidence in him and knew I would be able to concentrate on my work. I would finish at 5 every day, work was just a short walk from the hotel so I could take charge of the children in the evenings so that Tiff could find something to enjoy in the city, which I was sure wouldn't be difficult for him. I had just told him not to drink because I didn't want him hungover in the mornings when he had to look after the kids. He promised he wouldn't touch a drop.

Tiff had found somewhere for us to stay: it was a two bedroom suite. He said he knew the hotel owners and he had arranged a good price, he'd been owed money for work he'd done he said. He wouldn't let me pay him. 'I want you to have all the money from your first paycheque,' he said. 'You have let me stay with you rent free enough...' He insisted, he wouldn't hear of taking anything. There was one twin which Tiff had and I slept in the double with the kids. There was a lounge with a good size sofa and two chairs and a little Kitchenette. There was a table for me to do some work in the evenings so I thought it would be just fine for the next 5 days, so I looked forward to getting started.

I had been in touch with the team on FaceTime before I arrived. They were all friendly, and in person they were just the same. I was meant to be the lowest member of the team, but they didn't treat me like that at all. They were actually impressed with my experience and my degree, and they virtually put me in charge of curtains, bedding, sofas. It was fun coming up with different looks for all the rooms. A forest, a grungy fairytale, a faded 50's theme all met with approval. A dungeon did not. But the guy who said it had a sense of humour I thought. Maybe he was just a bit creepy. So we were going for exposed brickwork and gold in some rooms, embossed leather- clad wall in others. There were communal areas too. All within a specified budget - that was difficult for me as I had no idea of scale but thankfully someone else kept us in check. 

The first night Tiffin brought the kids to meet me outside the office. My colleagues who were with me were impressed with my beautiful kids and my handsome young husband. I had to tell them he was my brother in law, but I still felt proud that Tiffin was with me. I was so pleased to tell Tiffin and the children that I had enjoyed my day at work. I was excited to tell Lochie about my day too. When he face timed the kids I managed to get the ipad off Freya when she said goodbye and I asked Tiff to look after the kids while I locked myself in the bedroom. I put on a little show for Lochie. Nothing too much. I just wanted to tease him a bit, so he knew I was thinking of him too. Tiff had spoiled the kids of course. And that evening for a surprise it turned out he was determined to spoil me. The children were already in bed and I put my notes on the table to look through them. Tiff came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder as he flicked carefully through my folder of notes, swatches and drawings. 'This is just your sort of thing isn't it? I'm proud of you.' I turned around the swivel chair and he moved out of the way, standing up in front of me. I wanted to say something to him too but I didn't know what to say. He was only 24, he kept coming back and forth from our home, I knew because he still felt awkward about Lochie and me, even if he denied it to himself. And yet he had, amongst other things so much faith in me that he had gone to I don't know how much trouble, to get me this job. What can you say to someone like that except 'I love you'? So I put my hands on his hips and looked up at him and that's what I said, just 'I love you Tiff.' He's my brother I can always say that to him.  
He crouched down next to me and put his hand on my cheek. 'And I love you Maya. I always have.' He is so sweet and earnest. 'I know Tiff. You are the best brother in the world. But don't tell Kit that,' I said with a smile.  
'What about Lochie,' he said with a look of frustration, 'surely he's the best brother to you?'  
'No Tiff, you know that's not who he is. You and Lochie aren't the same. He is my partner, my husband, the father of my children. Not my brother. That's your job and you do it very well.'  
'Mmmm if you say so,' he agreed. 'Then as your brother I have got you something for you to celebrate your first day of work. He reached round to the side of the sofa to pass me a bag with something folded and wrapped in delicate purple tissue paper.  
'You shouldn't have,' I said.'You are as bad as your brother, buying me things.'  
'Well I thought of you as soon as I saw it. I haven't forgotten that bikini you were wearing that day. It's just the same colour,' he replied. Inside was a beautiful emerald green bodycon, made of sequins.  
'Wow, this is beautiful Tiff. But where would I wear it?'  
'Here Maya. Tonight. I'm taking you out tonight. You never go out anymore, but tonight I'm taking you.'  
'Tiff. I have work to do. And the children? I think you have forgotten them?'  
'How much work?'  
'I have to file these papers and do a mood board using these things.'  
'Oh that's not much. I will help you now.'  
'So it's just the kids then Tiff. Shall we wake them up? Are they coming with us?' He had obviously got carried away with his attempts to make the day special for me and had forgotten the obvious flaw in his plan.  
'That's sorted too. There's a babysitter coming in a bit, so you better get changed.'  
'A babysitter? I'm not leaving my children with someone I don't know Tiff.'  
'It's okay. I have used this company before. They are national. They vet all their sitters. They are security checked and usually are nurses, teachers that kind of thing.'  
'Tiff, when have you ever needed a babysitter?'  
'Well Maya some of the women I have been with were mothers with children, so I know about this company. I chose a student teacher for us. If you don't like her you can just send her away. It's okay.'  
'You have thought of everything. But I don't know if Lochie will like it...' I explained.  
'What part?'  
'The babysitter.'  
'Well just have a look. You are their mother, you should decide. I told her we would just be up to two or three hours but we can be quicker if you like.'  
'Okay. I will have a look.'

I just did everything Tiff told me to do. If I had stopped to think about it, I wouldn't have done it. But he is so kind and patient with me, just like Lochie. He even helped me with the mood board and had some ideas I could use because of his own experience in building renovation himself, so I actually finished more quickly.  
'Where are you taking me, Tiff?' I asked.  
'Well there are two clubs here, but I won't take you to one of them. You are too classy for it. They have jelly wrestling nights and that sort of thing.'  
'Thank God for that Tiff, I feel old enough as it is. I'm no good at jelly wrestling.'  
'Well I'm not sure about that. I told you you can do anything you like,' he said smiling.  
I would have hit him for that only I was at the other side of the room curling my hair. Tiff was watching me closely.  
'How are you making curls like that, with straighteners?' he asked.  
'It's just how you twist it round, Tiff. There's an art to it,' I laughed.  
'Let me try,' he said.  
'No way, Tiff, you will singe my hair!' I cried.  
'No I won't, let me have a go.'  
So I did. Tiff was so gentle. He must have been watching me very well, because he knew how to divide my hair into sections, how to twist it, how long to hold it, everything. He stood very close to me, his body leaning against me at times. He didn't say anything as he took each lock in his hands. Usually I don't enjoy the process of curling my hair, but I like the results. But this was different, having Tiffin do it for me. I didn't want him to stop. I felt myself tingle inside and I felt guilty but it was nothing, not really. I was being pampered that's all. And then he ran his fingers through my hair.  
'Did I do it well?' he asked.  
'Yes, you did, Tiff. I might have to ask Lochie to do it next time.'  
'Hasn't he ever done it for you?'  
'No.'  
'I'm surprised. I've always wanted to. Your hair is gorgeous, like a Pre Raphaelite beauty.'  
'What do you know about Pre Raphaelite art?' My brother kept surprising me.  
'There's more to me than you think Maya.'  
'I don't doubt it,' I replied.

'Is it okay if I use the shower now Maya?' he asked.  
'Yes, I will do my make up out here. You haven't told me where we are going yet though, so I don't know how to do it.'  
'Well there's a better club, they have dancers in podiums, fluorescents that kind of thing, but it's classier. You will be fine in that dress. Just do your make up how you like. If you don't feel comfortable, we can just leave.'  
I liked the sound of the club. I always found them so exciting. I loved watching all the dancers move so well on the podiums and the atmosphere of loads of people just having fun, trying to impress their dates or enjoying it for themselves. But I hadn't been to one for years. So I did understated make up, big eyes, nude lips. I wasn't even finished when Tiff came out of the shower. He had his jeans on, and he was just doing up his shirt. His hair was darker, being wet, and he ran his hand through it, just like Lochie does. He looked so much like Lochie then, it was like going back in time.  
He came over to me and crouched down, finishing buttoning up his shirt.  
'You look so handsome Tiff. Do you promise not to leave me alone when we get to the club?'  
'What do you think?' he replied looking straight into my eyes.  
'Well I don't mind really. I'm just a bit nervous, I haven't been out like this for ages.'  
'I'm not surprised. That sleepy town you live in isn't really you, is it?'  
'No, not really. But it's okay, I'm just a mum there.'  
'You shouldn't be just anything Maya.'  
'Tell that to Lochie,' I said, and I immediately felt disloyal.  
'Well if he doesn't know what he's got it's his own fault ,' said Tiff and I wasn't quite sure what he meant. But just then there was a knock, and in came Emma, she was a student teacher, had all her ID and I felt completely confident that she could stay with the children. They were asleep anyway. So I slipped on some gold sandals and went out with Tiff.

It was still warm out but Tiff took me by the arm and drew me to him.  
'What do I call you here in Cairns? Are you my sister?'  
'No Tiff, I'm never that.'  
'Never?'  
'Well except at home, but maybe not even then. I'm just Maya to you. Your sister in law.' I felt sorry that he still had to ask, so I squeezed his arm and kissed him. He smiled at me.  
'You are never just Maya to me,'he said. I smiled back at him.  
'You know someone thought you were my husband today, when you came to pick me up with the kids,' I told him.  
'And what did you say?'  
' I said you were my brother in law but my husband looked just the same.'  
'Yes we do don't we? Freya looks like me. I could be her dad.'  
'Yes I suppose so. You would have had to have been quite young though.'  
'Not that young. You forget how old I am. I'm not your little brother anymore.'  
'I know Tiff. You have grown up a lot since you went away. But you don't mind me looking after you do you?'  
'You know I don't. But sometimes now you let me look after you, don't you?  
'Yes I suppose I do. I guess we are equals now, after all.'

Shortly we arrived at the club. Luckily it was already quite late so the place was busy with students who must be visiting the place, and tourists. I thought I would look out of place, but I didn't. Besides, everyone was having too much fun to notice me. We had a few drinks at the bar. Tiff ordered something non alcoholic for himself, I was so pleased. But he said I could have what I wanted. So I had just one to settle my nerves, maybe two. We just chatted for a bit at the bar, watching everyone. Women came up to him to dance but he didn't want to leave me, and I wasn't going to dance with anyone else, without Lochie. So I said Tiff, you dance with me. We got up and just had a laugh together. Glitter tumbled from the ceiling, clouds of smoke filled the room. The music pounded. It was just fun. I realised we didn't have much longer here if we were to keep to our two hours. Then one of my favourite tracks came up, by Robin Shultz, but in a heavier club remix.  
'Hold me, Tiff,' I said.  
He came up behind me and I let him put his arms round me, and I just enjoyed the music, thinking how much I missed all this. I pushed myself against him moving in time to the music, moving with him like we were one. I raised my arms in the air and he held my waist tightly, controlling my hips. I brought my hands down and put my hands on his just briefly. I wanted him to know I liked what he was doing. It was such a long time since I had danced like this. Then I don't know why I did it but I tilted my head to one side and swept my hair to over, exposing my neck. Tiffin did exactly what I wanted him to do. He kissed my neck. I loved it. I absolutely loved being with him like that, just dancing. And then he let me go.  
'I'm going to the bar,' he said.

So I was alone on the dance floor, surrounded by people. But I had lost my inhibitions and stayed there on the dance floor, dancing with people I didn't know, and it was fun. After a couple of tracks I knew it was time to leave, so I went to find Tiff. He was talking to a gorgeous blonde, she was wearing very little. His hand was on her bare waist and she was whispering in his ear. Before I approached she walked away.  
'Who's that?' I asked.  
'Oh nobody. She wants me to go home with her. She's just telling her friends she's leaving. Is that okay Maya? I know I said I wouldn't but..but I think I have to...'  
I paused. I saw the woman making her way back through the crowd to Tiff. 'No Tiff. I don't want you to go. Why do you have to do it?'  
'Maya...please. You know why.'  
I ignored him. 'I don't want you to go with her. I want you to come back with me.'  
'Okay Maya, that's fine.'  
'I don't like her. I just want you to come back with me. Please Tiff. I need you. You don't need her. You have me. I need you to come back with me.' I don't know why but I felt really upset.  
'That's okay Maya, I said I won't go.' Our eyes met and we held each other's gaze. I knew what I was trying to say to Tiffin and I think he wanted to say the same to me. 'Do I have you? Do you really need me?' he asked like he was pleading for me to explain exactly how. I paused. I didn't know if I could explain what my need was.  
But then I saw that woman coming back and I turned away as she approached. Tiffin took my hand, lacing his fingers with mine. I didn't listen to what they said to each other but she gave me a dark look and walked away.Tiffin lead me out of the club.  
'I'm sorry Tiff, I didn't mean to ruin your night. I must just be a bit emotional because it's my first day at work.' I knew that was taking the easy way out to explain my feelings. But Tiffin didn't protest.  
'It's okay Maya. I do understand. It was wrong of me to think of leaving you alone. I'm sorry. It wasn't what I wanted anyway. I'm just so used to doing it. It's difficult for me Maya...'  
I knew he wanted to talk more but now we were out of the club I couldn't bring myself to say anything so I tried to stop him.'It's alright. What did you say to make her leave? She didn't look happy.'  
'Well you told me not to say you are my sister, so I told her...I told her you are my girlfriend.' He stopped walking and turned to look at me. 'Was that okay?'  
I avoided looking at him. 'That's alright Tiff. It got rid of her. We can forget about it now, can't we?' I wanted to laugh about it, but I couldn't. And neither of us could talk about what happened between us on the dance floor. 'Yes, you're right. Let's forget about it.' replied Tiff. We just walked back quietly, me holding my brother's hand.

The next morning I didn't really have time to talk to Tiffin. I had let the kids sleep in and he was busy getting them ready, but I knew he'd cope. I kissed them goodbye, but not Tiffin. I don't know why I didn't. I was just in a rush. He said he had a lot of things planned for them. I told him whatever he wanted was good and I would be in touch in the day. It was more of the same at work, but all good. Maybe I had just got lucky, but I loved this type of work. We were still thinking of ideas for rooms. Over the weekends we would be sourcing individual items. Throughout the day I sent Lochie some snapchats of me pulling faces, my lunch, that kind of thing. Lochie never sends me snapchats back, but he texts me comments so I know he doesn't mind. Tiffin is usually my snapchat buddy, but I didn't do any for him today. I kept thinking how he made me feel so special on our night out, he always does. But maybe, I thought, do I let him do too much for me?

When I got back to the apartment I could tell Tiffin had looked after the children well, taking them a boat trip, to lunch and even to a pottery painting place, and that was just one day. But I was busy with work, giving the kids their bath, talking to Lochie on a Facetime so I sort of ignored him. When I sat at the table to do more work when the kids were in bed, he just sat on the sofa with earphones in his ear, bouncing one of the children's balls against the floor and wall. It was really annoying.  
'Stop it, Tiff. I need you to stop that. I'm working,' I said, but he didn't hear me. I had to say it three times. But I think he had really heard me the first time. He mumbled an apology yet said 'You need me to? You want me to? You'd love me to? I don't think you know what any of those words mean, Maya,' and he just sat on the sofa with his phone. Even that annoyed me so I didn't reply to him. I thought I'd call Lochie instead. I hadn't got to talk to him earlier when he chatted with the kids. I didn't bother to move into another room because Tiff had his headphones in anyway. Lochie was home, working. He asked if he was going to get part 2 of the show I had put on for him the night before but I couldn't because the kids were already asleep, and it wouldn't be right to do it in Tiff's room. But I wanted to tell him about what I had been up to. I talked more about the club than work though. I don't know why I wanted to tell him about it so much. Perhaps in doing so I could somehow change what had happened, change my perception of those events. I wanted Lochie to be pleased that Tiff was looking after us all well, but he wasn't. He didn't like the fact that I had got a babysitter. He didn't seem to like that we had gone dancing together, and worst of all he didn't like the fact that Tiff had got me an emerald green dress that I told him matched the bikini he had bought me. Lochie was cross that I'd even shown him the bikini. I didn't say that I had been wearing it - well half of it - at the time. So I told him it was because Tiff was helping me decide what to wear for our day, and he seemed furious. So I just said to him, well I shouted really, that Tiff was my best friend so why couldn't he? Then I just said I was tired and finished the call.  
Tiffin took out his earphones.  
'Were you talking about me?' he asked.  
'Sometimes,' I replied.  
'Am I your best friend then?'  
'You know you are Tiffin. Who else have I got?'  
He looked pleased. 'But I can't go out with you tonight.' I told him.'It was fun, but I can't do that again. Ever.' Why did I add that last word? 'But you can go out, Tiff. You can go out and amuse yourself.'  
'Amuse myself? ' he sounded cross. 'You didn't want me to amuse myself last night.'  
'What do you mean?'  
'With the blonde. You didn't want me to amuse myself then. Why not Maya?'  
'I didn't like her.'  
'You glimpsed her for maybe 5 seconds.'  
'And I could tell she wasn't right for you.'  
'Well she was right for me. Right then she had everything I needed to amuse myself.'  
'Don't be so coarse Tiffin. I was just trying to look out for you. Why should I care who you fuck around with? That's all you do isn't it? One after another, after another.'  
'So you want me to stop?'  
'Yes. I do.'  
'So tell me what you want. I don't know what you want from me Maya.'  
'I told you. I don't want you to keep picking up women who don't mean anything to you.'  
'Why not?'  
'It's not you.'  
'Why does it matter to you Maya?'  
'I don't know. It just does.'  
'Please Maya, tell me why.'  
'Stop it Tiffin, I've had enough. I have got work to do. I have just had a row with Lochie about you and I'm tired. Just go out, go out. I don't care if you fuck around, just do it. I don't care, I don't care Tiff.'  
'Okay - if that's what you want, I will do it. I wish you would just make up your mind. I will go out and I will amuse myself. I will be back by 7 in the morning, for the kids. So don't wait up.' He grabbed his jacket and was gone.

I was so frustrated with him. I couldn't even work then. Within 5 minutes I had arguments with both of the men in my life. But the only one I could think about then was Tiffin. Of course I didn't want him to fuck around. He knew I didn't want him to spend his life like that. I had told him so before. I told him he needed to find someone special. I thought about him going back to the club without me. That woman might even be there. The one I didn't like. I bet he would specially try to find her, just to spite me. But I didn't care. Why should I care? I couldn't work. I couldn't go to sleep. I just sat on the sofa doing absolutely nothing. I just didn't want think of Tiffin being out without me. I didn't want him to be reckless. What if he drank because of me? What if I made him start drinking again? I was so upset. I started to look out of the windows, I paced the room. It was stupid. He wouldn't be back for hours. It was just gone midnight. He had only been gone two hours. I missed him.

I was sitting at the table doodling crossly if that's possible. But I nearly jumped when the door opened. He had come back.  
'You are back early.' I said. I think I smiled.  
'Maybe you are just up late,' he replied.  
'Did you go to the club? Did you meet anyone.Did you...' I wanted to ask if he had fucked anyone but I stopped myself. That wasn't my business.  
'No, if you want to know, I just went to the beach. And no, I didn't meet anyone. If anyone else was there I didn't even see them. So no, if you really need to know I didn't just go and fuck someone for the sake of it. You are right I'm not like that, not anymore. I don't want lots of women. I want to have someone special.'  
'I'm sorry Tiff, I'm sorry. You can have that, you will find someone. I have treated you appallingly. Yesterday and today.'  
'No Maya. That's not the problem is it? That's not the problem at all. Just forget it. You said it didn't you? We are best friends. That's why we like being together. That's why we can hurt each other. If you want to punish me for how I feel, you can. I'm going to bed. I will see you in the morning. Goodnight.'  
I thought to myself, best friends don't do that to each other do they? That's just not what they do. What did he mean punish him? Does he feel about me like I feel about him? The way he makes me so happy when I'm with him, the way I miss him when he isn't there. The way I felt so jealous last night. We aren't best friends at all. We were becoming something else, and I think I knew what that was, and I wasn't sure I wanted that for Tiff. I loved being with him. Everything I needed I got from him. He was dependent on me, he had been for years and I liked it. I did help him in some ways, with his drinking and things like that, but I never encouraged him to leave home. I would have kept him with me all year if I could. I liked it that he paid me compliments. It's not that Lochie didn't anymore, he did. Just not so many, and he simply wasn't around so much. Lochie was serious and thoughtful, and I'd always liked that in him. I looked up to him for that. But Tiffin, though he was very much like his brother, hid that serious side from me. Instead he was fun, spontaneous. He just made me laugh. Because of the monotony of my life now, I craved distractions from it that only Tiffin could bring. Maybe even most of all I liked Tiffin for what he did for me physically. I was aware of the slightest touch, because I knew each one had meaning. A brush on my arm. His warm breath on my neck. It reminded me of when I was 16 and every glance, every touch from Lochie sent shivers through me. And I liked it when he held me in his arms and spun round with me just like Lochie used to do. Maybe I was just using Tiffin to recreate those happier times that seemed to me to be not gone, but hidden by the day to day banality of life. It was so immature. So selfish. But I knew that's all it was. I was using Tiff but I could stop. It was nothing else.

So the next morning, I was back to normal with Tiffin. I talked animatedly about what his plans were, he was going to the zoo. I was organised with work and getting the children ready for the day. I hugged him, thanked him, and kissed him goodbye on the cheek. Perfectly ordinary. I tried to patch things up with Lochie too. I spoke to him in the day, around lunchtime. He was a little bit short with me but I think that was just because he was at work. I sent snapchats to Tiffin and he sent funny ones back to me. I think we had managed to put all that awkwardness of the past two says behind us.  
That evening when the kids were in bed I was just reading through my notes, and Tiff was on his phone. I put my work down, aware that I'd neglected Tiff yesterday, and it had been that really that had been the start of our quarrel.  
'Thank you Tiff for doing all this for me,' I said coming over to snuggle up to him.  
'It's no problem, I'm glad you are happy,' he said, stroking me gently.  
'You know you don't need to hang round here tonight. Go out and enjoy yourself, it's okay, you've earned it,' I didn't want him to think I had been trying to control him. I really did want him to do something without me, and I wanted to be positive about it.  
'You know, a full day with your kids is pretty exhausting I've realised. I will stay in tonight.'  
'Okay Tiff, I will just finish off a few things and we can watch a movie?'  
'Sure,' he agreed.  
'You know I've made some connections already. I really think even after this has finished I will be able to find something else. I will have a much better idea where to look. I have been given some really good advice.' I told him.  
'Yes I knew it. This is just the first step, then you can work full time, you will have more choice. You will be able to do whatever you want.' said Tiffin enthusiastically. I really felt things were back to normal.  
'Yes I know Tiff, it's brilliant. I have just got to talk with Lochie about some other plans we have.'  
'Plans?'  
'Yes, we were thinking of having more children, at least one.'  
'Oh I didn't know..'  
'You know how much Lochie loves kids.'  
'Yes, but I'm surprised.'  
'Why?'  
'Things haven't seemed the same with you two lately...you don't seem to spend much time together,' Tiff explained.  
'Life gets busy, Tiff. We're fine, he just works hard. We love each other like we always have done Tiff...' I wanted to stress that to him.  
'Oh...' he sounded disappointed?  
'Don't you think you want to find something more permanent for you? So you can have your own place and settle down? It's good Tiff, I promise you.'  
'You want to get rid of me?'  
'Of course not, you are hardly with us anyway, I mean for you. You will need to settle down some time.'  
'Yeah, not yet.'  
'I know, but when you find the right girl.'  
'I don't think I will, Maya'  
'How can you say that?'  
'They are all the same,' he said, nonchalantly.  
'That's an awful thing to say Tiff. I don't believe you mean it...'  
'No, I just mean there's no one special, noone knows me like you do. All the women I have had and only one or two have meant anything at all,' he explained.  
'That's because you don't let them know you, you haven't let them mean anything.'  
'No, it's because I don't want them to know who I am. I can't open up to anyone...'  
'What do you mean?'  
'In the club Maya, come on, we both know what that was about.'  
'No I don't...' I lied.  
'Don't pretend Maya. I'm tired. I don't know what to do anymore. Do you know why I keep going into rehab?'  
'Your drinking.'  
'Yes, but do you know why I drink?'  
'Oh Tiff, I know...I know it's because of me and Lochie. I know that's why.' I felt guilty about that, he knew I did.  
'No, Maya it's not that. I came to terms with that a long time ago. You know I love your children. I didn't jump on to the track because of anything you did, Maya, it's not your fault.'  
'Tiff, what is it? Do I need to know?' I didn't want him to articulate what I thought. I just didn't want it to be true for him, like it was for me. But even so I was leading him on to a point which neither one of us would be able to control.  
'You do know, I think you do know..'  
'Tiff, tell me. If you want, you can tell me.' I felt my heart pounding.  
'You know I love you,' he said, plainly.  
'Tiff, you don't mean it.' Please God, he doesn't mean it. Not in that way. I should have protected him from this. But now I knew it was too late.  
'You know I do. Every look you give me, every touch, every kiss you let me have.' He drew his hand all the way up my thigh, I didn't stop him. I don't know why I didn't stop him.  
He leaned in and kissed me on the lips. I closed my eyes.  
'Tiff please, I can't.'  
'Don't say that. I know you feel the same...I know you feel something.You know what we have been doing, for months... years.'  
I couldn't say anything to that, because I knew it too.  
'When are you ever out of my arms? You sit with my arms wrapped round you more than you do with Lochie.' he continued.  
'You are around more, that's all.'  
'Yes you spend more time with me, because you want to. You admit the way you nestle into me is the same as you and Lochie?'  
'It wasn't meant to be....'  
'So why did you sit astride me, rubbing against me, kissing me? What the hell was that - last week!' He was desperately trying to convince me, but he didn't need to. I knew what I had been doing. But I couldn't admit it to him. I had let him down. It was my last chance.  
'I'm sorry.'  
'Don't be sorry. I'm not. I liked it.' I didn't respond, so he continued. 'And when you slept in my arms at Barrington Tops under the stars and my hard cock pressed into you. Did you like that?'  
'Yes but..'  
'But what? What about that time you called me into your bedroom to show me how you looked in that bikini that was just pure sex? You were practically naked and you didn't bat an eyelid. You wanted me to look at you.'  
'Yes I liked you looking at me, but that's all. I thought you were Lochie...I called Lochie upstairs.'  
'And did you think it was Lochie when you let me touch your body when I loosened your hair? Did you think it was Lochie when you sat next to me to me on your bed, and let me undress you? It was me that stopped it, not you.'  
'Nothing happened. You are my brother that's all.'  
'Yes I'm your brother. When I undid your bra, tell me did you want to lie down on that bed and fuck me even though I'm your brother? Because I'm your brother?'  
I didn't say anything.  
'Admit it. If I hadn't walked away you would have let me make love to you on Lochie's bed.'  
'No. Not on his bed.'  
'That was it wasn't it? It was the fact we were on his bed that stopped you.' I looked away. He understood me too well. I had been too blunt. 'But it was me that walked away.'  
'It's my fault. I'm so sorry I know I've hurt you...'  
'No you haven't hurt me. You keep me alive. You taught me this. You made me see you like this. You made it okay.'  
'Tiff, please..'  
'I can't keep doing this. Why do you think I go away? Why do you think I come back?'  
'I didn't know Tiff, I didn't know.'  
'Look at me Maya. Look at me and tell me you don't feel something.'  
'Tiff, I...I' But I couldn't say anything.  
Tiff leaned in again to kiss me, he pulled me to him his big strong hands round my waist I moved into him, one knee precariously between his legs, astride him again. He pulled me to him. Our lips touched our lips parted and our tongues met. God I loved it. I had thought about kissing him, holding him like this. I thought it was okay - if it just stayed in my head it didn't hurt anyone. It felt like Lochie but not Lochie. Lochie, Lochie. I pulled away.  
'Tiff, I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that.'  
'Well I'm not sorry. I know what I want. I want to make love to you. I know you want me too. Tell me you don't...'  
'You're my brother...'  
'I don't care if I'm you're brother. I like it that I'm your brother. I know you have truly loved for me for years. That's what makes it so good isn't it? That's what makes it better. You told me that was it. I'm sorry I'm Lochie's brother. I'm sorry I'm going to make love to my brother's wife.'  
'You sound confident.' I said. I didn't tell him it wasn't true.  
'Because I know you want me. Everything you've done for me, everything I've done for you. It means something.'  
'What I have with you is different to what I have with Lochie.'  
'So there's something?'  
'Yes.'  
'That's okay. I'm not asking you to leave him am I? Do this for me, for you. I want to have sex with you and I know you want it too.'  
'You are my brother.' I wasn't just reminding him.  
'And if I wasn't your brother?'  
I didn't say anything because that didn't really matter to me. Being unfaithful was wrong. Fucking my brother? I could do that. I wanted to do that. But I mustn't.  
'You can't say no to me can you?' I knew I had to try.  
'Tiff, I'm going to leave now and you are going to let me go.'  
'No, I don't want you to go.You did this to me. When you told me you loved Lochie. How it was better than with anyone else. You told me. Why can't you love me like that?' Why did you kiss me if you didn't want me?'  
'I don't know...'  
'I want more. I'm just waiting for you.'  
'You will have a long wait then. I can't Tiffin.'  
'You can. Let me help you.' His hands reached under my top.' I didn't stop him.  
'I love Lochie.You better leave.'  
'No.'  
'Tiff, if there's anything I did, I'm sorry.'  
'You know what you did. You have been fucking my brother for years. I want to know what it's like. Show me. You told me when you broke that taboo it was you and Lochie against the world. I need that. I have been fighting these feelings by myself for years. I can't do it anymore. Please Maya, help me. Let me know there's nothing wrong with me. Show me that it's okay for me to love you like this. Please say yes to me.' He traced a path of kisses down my neck. I loved it.  
'Think of Lochie.'  
'No, I can't. I have to have you. I can't live like this anymore. I'm living a lie without you. I know you want me too. I can't find anyone else because I only want you.'  
'Don't say that Tiff...'  
'Just let me know...'  
He was pleading with me begging me for something my body already wanted. I couldn't help it. I didn't understand it. But I was as good as married to a man I love very much. I have children with him. Sex is still beautiful with him. But did any of that matter right now? Could I really take away Tiffin's pain by letting him use my body? Because I knew I wanted to use his body just for my pleasure.  
But I didn't want to hurt anyone, not Lochie, not Tiff. I didn't want to say no, I mustn't say yes. I knew I had been toying with Tiff - pretending to my self that I was helping him, when all along I knew I liked him in a different way, in a way I shouldn't for so many reasons. I liked the attention I got from him. I thought it was okay to hold him, kiss him because he was my brother. But he knew what all that meant with Lochie. Why shouldn't it mean the same to him?

I thought of the teenager I had had to tell my secret to. Whom I had dragged over half the world so I could live with his brother, my brother as his wife. I thought of him as he had cried in my arms, when he'd asked me to get help, who had refused to talk to Lochie, who felt it was all wrong. But we had forced him to believe it was right. Maybe there was something in our genes that made us attracted to each other after all, maybe I was made to love my brothers sexually - two of them. Because I knew I did feel something for Tiffin, I had for a long time. I had to follow my body's lead, and right then it ached for him.

'If you knew how I felt without you... ' he begged. 'If you knew how happy I am with you. You like being with me don't you?' He looked me in my eyes.  
'Yes but..'  
'You like me holding you?' He moved his hands over my body.  
'Yes but...'  
'You like me kissing you, like this?'  
'Yes,' I said when I drew breath.  
'Then what's next?' he asked.  
My body was so aroused by him. I knew I couldn't stop.'Oh God,Tiff. Are we really going to do this?' I said.  
'It's what I want. Do you want it too?'  
I nodded.'But you have to understand, if we do this, everything will change. I like spending time with you, being with you. We can't expect that we will be able to go on as we were.' He had to know that as he gained something, he had to give up something else.  
'I know, I know,' he replied. But he was too eager, I don't think he understood. 'But everything we have ever done, everything that we mean to each other has lead us to this. I cannot live just with the anticipation. In the end Maya, we have to do it.' He sounded so sure of himself, but I was worried that in his eagerness to consummate our relationship he was ignoring the consequences. But he was right, his expectation had gone too far. I had allowed it to happen. And I wanted him physically quite as much as he wanted me.  
'I don't want you to hurt any more Tiffin. I don't want you to be alone.'  
'But I don't want you to be sorry for me. I want you to do this because you love me.'  
'I do love you. But I don't love you like I love Lochie. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Do you understand? I love him more than I love you. He is the father of my children, I want more children - with him.' I explained.  
'Yes I understand. But you feel something for me. Something like you have with Lochie. I mean more than a brother?'  
'Yes. Yes.' I kissed him now.  
'That's all I need to know.'  
He turned me onto the sofa and pressed himself onto me so I could feel his weight, his strength. I could feel his cock hard against me. He kissed me, we kissed each other, desperately. I had wanted this for so long. Everything he said was right. I actually needed him inside me. I undid his jeans. I released his cock .  
'God you're...well built.' He was. It made my eyes water. 'You'll be like an eel inside me.'  
'No one has ever said that before...but I can try if that's what you like.'  
Tiffin was amused. His smile was bright and enthusiastic as he looked at me, knowing he was going to get what he had waited for, for years. I realised he was so young 24 years to my 32.  
He pulled my knickers off and his shirt too. I'd seen his chest many times but this time I thought he looked like a Greek god. A fucking beautiful Greek god. He slipped his fingers, two probably, into me and hooked them inside, his broad thumb was gentle on me. God, he knew what he was doing. I remembered my first times with Lochie. I couldn't help but recall it. Our sweet fumblings as teenagers in the dark, getting to know each other. It was a while before Lochie even learnt how to make me come. It was a while before I learnt to let go. Something told me I wasn't going have any trouble tonight. I already felt a shudder just in anticipation of having that huge cock inside of me. Why was I so eager? Why did I feel no shame? I love Lochie. I know I love him.

'Are you ready Maya?' he asked.  
'Yes, Tiffin,' I replied.  
'Can I take your dress off? I want to see you completely naked.' I slipped it off. He took off my bra and ran his hands over my waist. I gasped.  
'Beautiful. You are fucking beautiful' he said. Then he rounded my breasts, taking each one into his mouth in turn. I gasped again. But I stilled his hands.  
'I want to know Tiff, you don't want to do this just to a cross a line? Because if you do I can't let you do it. You will have to force me to do it. There are lines we must not cross Tiffin, and if you don't know that I can't help you. There are all sorts of lines we must not cross so people do not get hurt.'  
'But you crossed that line.'  
'Not just for the sake of it. No one was hurt....except you. I loved Lochie but the line happened to be there. I loved him that's the difference. To cross a line for love, that was brave. To cross it for a thrill is weak.'  
'I don't want to fuck you just because you're my sister if that's what you mean. But I love you because you are my sister. Is that okay?'  
'If you really think you love me, not just as my brother but as something more we can do it. I want to do it.'  
'Yes I love you, you know I love you,' he declared.  
So I sat up and pulled his jeans down and he took them off so he was completely naked for me. He was kneeled on the sofa as if he was about to push me down again. But this time it was he who paused. He took in the sight of me. My pulse was racing. I kneeled on the sofa too, his hands were on my shoulders and mine on his waist.  
'Maya,' he said. 'I know you have Lochie. I have no one....if you don't want me....' I interrupted him. But I didn't use words. He was so sincere. I thought he wouldn't stop, but he would have stopped, for me. I looked into his eyes and he seemed so vulnerable. He was like Lochie was when he took me in his arms and made love to me when he was just a week past his 18th birthday. I knew how making love to me had been wonderful for us, but difficult for him. He wondered for years, had it been right? And I didn't want Tiffin to share those self doubts. I wanted Tiffin to know I chose him. So I kept my eyes on his and I lent forward and licked his shaft from the base to to the tip. Then I took him into my mouth and placed my hand on his cock gently but firmly rubbing him as I took more and more of him into my throat,  
'Oh, God, Maya. Oh fuck!' Tiffin cried out as I moved back and forth, back and forth. He stopped me just as I had to remove him from my mouth, and I spluttered. He tilted my chin so that I looked at him again. He smiled at me.  
'I think that means you do want me?' he asked.  
'Yes Tiffin. You are beautiful. I need you,' I told him. He would always remember now that I said yes. In the end it was me, I wanted him. I lay back and I parted my legs for him and l knew we had both past the point were either of us could stop now. We didn't want to, this was right. We were equals. For whatever reason we both wanted, needed this. I knew I couldn't have him forever. But I had him now and he had me.  
He was a bigger broader man than Lochie, who was 10 years his senior. They were very similar, eyes, nose, mouth, it could almost be my husband on top of me now. Their scent was different both were clean and fresh but Tiff was less groomed, more raw. He inched his hardened cock inside of me and I wasn't as ready as I thought I would be. I didn't know if it was my body or my mind that was stopping me. I was fucking my brother - another one. And I was cheating on the man I loved with his brother. But I didn't stop. I kissed Tiff again and pushed my body to him so he could get deeper. He lifted my hips up and rocked me so he hit my g easily every time. He entered me with a steady rhythm, moving me with him as if he really understood what I needed. I could tell his cock was bigger, longer. And he controlled me so well.  
'I was right,' he said. 'Fucking you feels good.' He powered into me. And he was right. Physically I liked it. Emotionally I liked it. I liked having this man whom I knew loved me inside of me. He cared for me, he protected me and now he was fucking me. Was that wrong? It couldn't be. It felt so good.  
I turned him over and made him lie on his back, and took him inside me again. I moved my hips side to side, back and forth, rubbing my fingers over myself desperately trying to make myself come so I could forget what was happening because of my guilt, yet enjoying it too. When I was close I leaned back and had to call out.  
'Oh Lochie, Lochie, fuck me, fuck me,' I cried. Because the only way I could get through it was to pretend it was him. Near the end I just pretended it was him. Because I felt so guilty that all along I wanted this. I made Tiff beg for me to assuage my own guilt. I had never wanted any man except Lochie until now. Now I wanted Tiff. And then my brother came inside me.

'Tiff, did you find out what you needed to know?' I asked afterwards as I lay in his arms.  
'Yes.'  
'What is it?'  
'That it doesn't matter that you are my sister. I know you are. I don't need to deny it. You are my sister and this is how I love you.'  
'Does that help you?'  
'Yes. Because I don't think there's anything wrong with me anymore. I don't disgust myself. Love is good. Sex is good. The only bad things I have done in my life are when I am hating myself. Loving you has only made me do good things in my life. And I think it's no one's business who I have sex with if they want it with me. And you did didn't you?'  
'Yes, Tiff, I did. Very much.' I kissed his handsome face.  
'You know one day they will let people determine for themselves whom they chose to have sex with. It will change. Maybe not having children, but the rest of it, I think that will be seen as a right,' he argued. He must have been thinking a lot about this.  
'I think that's a long way away.'  
'I'm not so sure....but anyway what do we do now?'  
'I don't want to have an affair with you Tiff.' I said softly, stroking his body.  
'I understand. I don't like it but I understand. It's not what I want at all. I thought you were unhappy with Lochie,' he replied, and I could see he was disappointed.  
'We have ups and downs Tiff, but that's just normal life. I think when we get back home you will have to go.'  
'Are you angry with me? I don't want to leave you. I will miss you and the children too much. I want to be with you. We have been so much to each other haven't we, even before this?'  
'Tiff please, it has to change. I can't do this.'  
'No, I want speak with Lochie.'  
'For God's sake why?' I asked.  
'I need to talk to him. I told him once that he should have told me he was having sex with you before because it affected me, it affected decisions he made about my life. Now I have done the same thing, and I don't want to hide.'he explained.  
'He will kill you."  
'Good.'  
I pulled him to me.  
'Please don't Tiff, I don't want you to get hurt.'  
'Really? Why not?'  
'Because you are my brother. I love you.'  
'Then let me love you properly again.' The tears in his eyes matched mine. 'Let me do this. I don't want just to fuck you. Don't call out his name. Let me make love to you.'  
So I kissed him and said, 'but you understand we can't keep on like this? I can do it today. Maybe I can do it tomorrow, but after that it's the end. I won't lie to Lochie.'  
'Yes, you set the rules and I will follow them. I know you have commitments. I do know that. I just wish you could commit to me, live with me, have children with me.'  
'I can't do that Tiffin. I love you, but I can't do that.'  
'Yes, I do know. I just wanted you to know how I feel. I wanted you to know how important you are to me.'  
'God Tiff, you are so good to me. But I know you will have all that with someone else, I know it. And you will never hurt yourself again? Please tell me you won't. Don't make me do this for nothing. If you hurt yourself after this, because of me, I couldn't live with myself, Tiffin. I couldn't go on without you.' I pleaded.  
He took my hand in his and kissed me on the lips. It was the most perfect, tender kiss. 'Yes I promise, Maya. All the pain I had has fallen away. I won't do that to you again.'  
I kissed him too, my breasts brushing against his body as I ran my fingers through his hair. 'Thank you Tiff. I love you so much. But I need something else from you. Can you stop drinking too?'  
'You are asking a lot... ' He was kissing my neck and my body tingled.  
'I'm giving you a lot Tiff. Please, I'm doing this because I love you. But you have to do this for me. You have to say it.'  
'It's okay, I can't be sure but I don't think I will need that prop anymore.'  
'More than that. Please Tiff, I may not be able to watch over you anymore. I need to know you will be safe.'  
'Yes, yes. I mean it. Look I'm getting better already, you know I have been cutting down.'  
'Yes I know Tiff. You have have been very good.'  
'So I promise when I go to reach for that first drink I will think of you and what you mean to me. Remember that day we were in your garden and I just poured the beer away because you told me to stop?'  
'Yes.'  
'Well I will always remember you are with me now, I promise.'  
'Thank you Tiff.'  
'But I will miss you. I can't imagine not seeing you any more. Not seeing you and the kids.'  
'But I don't think I can live a lie Tiff, I'm going to have to tell him myself.'  
'What if he leaves you? Will you come to me Maya?'  
I kissed him. 'I don't know Tiff. I don't want to think about it. I do love him so much Tiff. And even if I wasn't with him I don't think you and I would be forever. You probably know more than me Tiff, but I think sometimes however good love is, it isn't meant to last. So you and me Tiff, what we've had will always be precious to me, you have taught me so much about myself, but it wouldn't be forever. I really hope what I have with Lochie is.' I had to tell him that, for his own sake I had to tell him we couldn't be together. Because now I really knew for me loving my brothers, not just Lochie, having them sexually just didn't compare to any other experience I had ever had. It really made a difference to me. That's just who I am. And I still think it's right, for me and Lochie. But not for Tiff. I didn't want to keep him hanging on. I knew right then I would always love him in a very special way. But because I did love him so much I really wanted him to have his own life. I didn't want him to wait for me. I knew if Lochie would forgive me, I would never leave him. So I said 'Tiff, make love to me. And I will make love to you. But that's all we will have, we can only do this here. It will break Lochie's heart that you have gone and it will break his heart when I tell him why. That's what we have done to him. He won't let you come back.'  
'Maybe one day?'  
'I don't know.'  
'So I have lost you, like that, I have lost you?'  
'No, you found me. We found each other. We will always have this special private bond, even when we are apart. I will love you forever. But we can't be together forever. We have had this moment and that's it. You don't have to wonder anymore. You've done it. But move on. I love you but you have to move on. Don't think of what you did as fucking your sister. What you did was you made love to someone you love very much, someone you have cared for, laughed with, lived with, everything. All those ordinary things that build up a relationship. You can have it with someone else. You are free.'  
'Do you think so?'  
'I'm sure.'  
'But you will let me make love to you now? I want to make it special for you, for me, I want to love you like I know I can. Tell me you want me inside you again, because of what I can do, because you love me, because I'm me.'  
'Yes Tiffin, for all those reasons I want you. I need you inside me again.'  
And this time I guided him into my body and he used his hands and his tongue on me and he made love to me and I made love to him. And this time I didn't call out Lochie's name I called out Tiff's. He was beautiful, absolutely beautiful and I knew he was trying so hard to make it good for me and to make it last. Because he understood this was all we had. Beads of sweat gathered on his forehead and dropped on to me as he concentrated and controlled every thrust. I saw him smile at me every time he made me gasp. And he made me gasp a lot. I was so happy to have him inside me. It felt so good, so right. I thought it was the most perfect way to show him I loved him. I hadn't anticipated he would be so skilled. I knew he had a string of lovers and one night stands so I thought he would know about pleasing himself, not me. I could not have been more wrong. I loved it when he went down on me with his tongue, sucking on me and slipping his tongue into me. It was so intimate and generous. He took his time, lots and lots of time. He put one arm across my stomach so that I couldn't even move when I wanted to. I know he liked to feel my body try to arch against him. He liked to feel my stomach contract as the slightest movement while his tongue sent ripples of satisfaction through my body. I knew this because of how he looked at me when he paused for breath even as his tongue was delighting my body. It made the pleasure of my orgasm even more intense.  
'This is hungry work,' he said. He was completely masterful, absolutely dedicated to me and my body. I could only think of him now, and what I wanted to enjoy doing for him next. I really think I loved him then. I knew I couldn't tell him this but it really was a special kind of love. I knew then without question there was something different about me because making love to my brother really was beautiful, it really did seem to me to be the best kind of love.

Because he had already come once this time we tried more positions, finding what felt best for both of us. It was wonderful being with someone new and yet someone whom I trusted completely. It was without doubt some of the very best sex I had had in my life. Then when he had finished I could see he was tired, so I lead him into his room. We pushed the twin beds together and we got inside the covers, and we held each other. Soft kisses, tender touches sent him to sleep in my arms. I loved him, I loved having sex with him but I had to take responsibility for what I had done. Tiffin wanted to try sex with me because I had told him it was so good being together with Lochie - it was all I wanted, but I didn't mean sex, I meant everything. So I could only hope that this act of love - for there was love there, not just lust - had healed him.

We woke several times in the night to make love again. One time when Tiff started to kiss me awake I felt not a rush of excitement, but a glow of warmth. I thought it was Lochie kissing me. Lochie seldom wakes me in the night for sex anymore, and I was so pleased he needed me. But when I realised it was Tiffin, I was glad too. First he took me slowly whist on top of me, but then I moved on to all fours as he felt really good inside me that way. Before he came he asked me if he could come over me. I said he could. So he lay me down in front of him and put on the lamp by the bed. He watched as he came over my breasts, then we both rubbed it over my body. Then in the morning I woke early, I didn't want the kids to find us like this, but seeing him in the soft light as dawn began to creep in through the curtains I wanted to play with him again. I had to shake him awake.  
'Tiff,' I said. 'I have to take a shower and get ready. Do you want to join me, darling? Is there anything you want me to do for you?'  
He knew what I meant. We did not have much time left. He nodded.  
'Anything you want,' he replied.  
So I stated by rubbing him as he felt my body, licking him as he fondled my breasts, taking him into my mouth again as he slipped his fingers into me. It took a bit longer for him to reach his full size but I had time. I wanted it to last. It was like sex with Lochie years ago, when we had to be quiet, not wanting to wake the children. But this time it was Tiffin I was making love to, and the children I did not want to hear me were Lochie's and mine. This time Tiffin came in my mouth and I swallowed up his come. I had done everything for him now, and I loved it all. Then he let me lead him into the shower and the water fell on him and me. We didn't have sex there. It was like we were washing it all away. I kissed him, I touched him, he touched me. I hoped he would remember me like this forever.

I got cleaned up and dressed in the clothes I had on last night,as the clothes I needed were in my room. The kids were already awake in our room and had missed me. It was very lucky that they had not come to find me, I knew I had been irresponsible. I got into bed with them.  
'I miss daddy,' said Freya. 'When are we going home?  
'Tomorrow, darling. We are catching a plane tomorrow and will be home even before daddy gets home from work.'  
'But I want to see him now,' she cried.  
'You can't Freya, I have one more day here. But I can give you a photo of him if you like, but you must look after it.'  
'Yes mummy.'  
'I opened my purse and flicked through the pockets. Tucked behind a sleeve filled with credit cards and receipts was my favourite photo of us. The one Lochie had taken of us on the Manly ferry. The photo that had sustained me when he had made us be apart. He looked so happy and young - he was younger than Tiffin is now. All those years together.  
'Mummy why are you crying?' asked our daughter.  
'Because I miss him too Freya. I love your daddy very much.'

Tiff and I didn't touch at all at breakfast, I didn't kiss him goodbye. I went to work knowing he would look after the children but it wasn't him I thought about in the day. I could only think of Lochie. I hated myself for being unfaithful to him. He didn't deserve that. I know he loves me, not because I am his sister, just me. That's why he had tried to push me away years ago, but I never thought loving my brother was wrong. I knew I had to change how I thought about Tiffin. I knew I had to tell Lochie what I had done. But I don't think I could ever tell him everything I had learnt about myself. At least I knew I would never be unfaithful to Lochie again. I just hoped I would get the chance to prove that to him. I knew that whatever I felt about Tiffin I loved Lochie more than anything else in this world. My mind therefore wasn't on work, two of my colleagues asked if I was well, and I had to pretend that I thought I was coming down with something. But I got through the day. When I got back from work we all had dinner together and I talked to the children about their day. They had gone to the beach and a bookshop. Tiff had bought them lots of books. As I walked past the second bedroom I saw the beds had been pushed apart again. I knew Tiffin was thinking about what was good for me, like he always does.

I called Lochie at 6.30 so he could talk to the kids before he left the office. They used the ipad, but when I took it off them I switched the video off my side so I could see him, but he couldn't see me. I tried to speak normally with him but even I thought my voice sounded different, flat. Lochie was trying to talk enthusiastically about my work, how much he was looking forward to having us back, what we could do at the weekend. How much he missed us all, how much he missed me. But my conversation was disjointed, stilted. I didn't pay attention to everything he said. He asked if I was okay, he even asked if I needed him. He said he would fly up, drive up, whatever, if I needed him. So I told him I did need him very much, but it was okay we would be back together soon. It was obvious when we got home there was no chance I could lie to him even if I wanted to. I couldn't even say goodbye to him, I just passed the pad back to Freya.

Tiffin was good and sweet. He didn't put any pressure on me, I think he could see I was upset. I was, because of what I had done to Lochie, but not for what I had shared with Tiff. I guess in spite of my guilt I wasn't ready to end it. I had promised Tiff one more night and I wanted it. I didn't want him to feel guilty, I didn't want him to share my downcast mood. I wanted us to finish with something life affirming, to make a connection that would last forever, because I had a terrible feeling that if Lochie wanted me to have a long or permanent separation from my brother, I would have to acquiesce. So I basically engineered things so that Tiffin would have to sleep in my bed, by putting Freya and Aran in his room when he went out. I was so sure that Tiffin was so caring about my feelings he would try to stop me otherwise. But I had something special in mind fot him, I wanted to teach him something new. And I think, knowing Tiff had had so many one night stands I just didn't want to be another on that list. Tiffin put that thought to rest immediately. He told me if he could he would spend the rest of his life with me, look after my children as his own, have a family with me. It was me that restricted him to one night or so, not him. I was so glad that Tiffin did want all those things, for truly that's what I wanted for him, but I knew it could never be with me. My love for Lochie was just too great. We had endured so much. In the end it would be that which could keep us together.  
When the children were in bed I knew I had to talk to Tiff. He held me in his arms, but it wasn't sensual. it was like goodbye. I knew he was letting me go. So I took his hand and kissed it. I told him I didn't want him to go. He let me take him into my room. He let me remove his towel, he let me draw him into my bed and lie naked next to me. Everything I requested of him he did. I said I didn't want to make love that night. Not until the morning. I just wanted it to be so sensual, so loving. I didn't doubt that Tiffin could do that, he was such a tender, thoughtful loving man. But I didn't anticipate how deeply we would communicate, just how true our connection was. He was finally able to tell me about that night when he had ended up on the train track. He had variously laughed it off before, saying it was an accident, just a whim, the influence of drink. But he opened up to me and admitted he had been so terribly low, so alone, so guilty about his love for me that yes, he had wanted to kill himself. Because the boys were there talking to him he misjudged his footing, his timing. If they had not been there, I would have lost him. I felt heartbroken. We face such horrible prejudice from the world, when all we want to do is love. My brother nearly killed himself for shame, shame about something he felt that was true, good and just misunderstood. That terrible frustration had lead him to seek out a prostitute, someone to pretend to be me. I just loved him more, thinking of how lonely he must have been. I loved him so much. I was so proud of how far he had come. My gentle brother, he was so good to my children, so good to me. I told Tiffin that I would tell Lochie everything that happened on Wednesday night, and into the morning. Anything he wanted to know I would tell him truthfully. So if Lochie wanted to talk to him all he has to say was the truth: we both wanted it, it was passionate, it was good. Any detail Lochie needed to know, I would tell him. But Thursday night, Friday morning was ours. I was sorry that my decision to tell everything to Lochie would reveal aspects about Tiffin to his brother. Perhaps things like how good he was in bed, what he liked, what he could do. I didn't want to demean him. And I knew that what we had done was more significant to both of us than just an affair. It had created an unbreakable bond, we both knew that. So I felt we both deserved to keep the love we shared between us on that final night to ourselves.  
So then I opened up. Tiffin doesn't like to talk about how I looked after him as a boy, then loved him as a man. But after years of fighting my own feelings I could see his absences almost created a new person in my mind. I was not guilty that I loved my brother. That is what I do. I felt stronger just admitting that to myself, to him. So we talked a lot until finally at dawn we made love. It was sublime. It was slow, it was passionate. It was beautiful. Then finally our last moments in bed together were spent with the children who rushed in to greet us. I was pleased. I wanted Tiffin to know that one day there would be children of his own who would only want him too. In the end we were happy. We had to say goodbye, but we were happy.  
I got through the next day of work better. Luckily we were really busy, finishing up what we had to do and preparing for our own projects at home before we met again.  
Tiff came with us to the airport.  
'Can I sit next to you, Tiff,' said Freya.  
'It's my turn,' said Aran.  
'I'm not coming back with you kids,' replied Tiff.  
'Why not?' asked Freya.  
'I've got some work to do here.'  
'But will you be back tomorrow?' she asked again.  
'No I will have to be a bit longer.'  
'Will you be back soon? You said you would take us swimming.'  
Tiff looked at me. Tears were forming in his eyes, but he held them back. He stood up and kissed me on the cheek and paused before bending down and picking them both up, which made them laugh.  
'I will see you again. Won't I Maya? I will see you again?' he asked me.  
I smiled at my beautiful brother.  
'Yes Tiffin, we will see you again,' I replied. But I wasn't sure that was even true.


	40. Lochan

Maya, Tiff and the children left for Cairns before midday. I was sorry to see them go, but they were excited to be having a holiday with their mummy and Tiffin. To be honest he spends more time with my children than me. Plus he is big on fun, but not on boundaries, so no wonder they were happy. I guess I was a bit anxious that he was going to have sole care of them for at least 8 hours a day, but Maya was confident that not only would he cope, but that he was used to doing it. She had been camping with him after all and when he's not working, he will pick up Freya from school and spend afternoons with the kids on the beach if Maya has something to do. Although to be honest I expect Maya is with him a lot then too. But she is their mother and I know she wouldn't have agreed to Tiff's idea unless she had total confidence in him.  
After I said goodbye I realised that I may not at the last minute have kissed Maya, I had been so wrapped up in the kids. But we had a long talk in the morning, and it's not as if we are teenagers anymore, she knows that I love her and will miss her even if I don't say it. I really did miss the presence of my whole family once I shut the door. I am hardly ever in my own home when it is still like this. I didn't like the silence.I put a playlist on sonos so music flooded the house and settled down to get through as much work as possible so that next weekend when they are all back I could have some free time with my family. My work doesn't really run like at at the moment, but I could at least try, I thought.

I worked solidly through till 3pm, missing lunch when there was a knock at the door. It was Kit. I was glad to see him. It wasn't a total surprise as he had told me he was on a biking trip along the East Coast to meet up with his girlfriend, Jo who was on location on a photo shoot. She is a model, mainly for tattoo/burlesque fashions and was doing a swimwear shoot somewhere. He said he would pop in when he passed by. It was good to see him. Now he lives in Melbourne and we are here we probably don't get to see him more than three or four times a year.  
He was impressed with the house - he only had seen it once, before Tiffin got started on the project.  
'Tiff's done a great job,' he said. 'Was he working on his own plans or yours?'  
'It was him and Maya really,' I confessed.' Nothing to do with me. I just paid for it.'  
'Who chose the wood and fittings?' he asked.  
'Oh that was me. I wanted a quality finish - it's a beautiful building,' I replied.  
'Well, it is now. They did well. Where is Maya anyway, I wanted to wish her well for her new job? It's a big step for her after all this time.'  
'You've just missed them,' I explained. 'They left a few hours ago.'  
'I thought it was next week?'  
'No that's when the weekend shifts start. This is the whole week thing.'  
'Oh, well I'm sorry I missed her. I will send her a text. I know it's important. Who's she gone with?'  
'Tiff and the kids.'  
'Is that a good idea?'  
'Yeah Maya says Tiff will be good with the kids.'  
'I wasn't talking about the kids.'  
'What do you mean?'  
'Well I didn't like it when you told me how you didn't felt any space with Tiff around.'  
'He's okay. That's my problem Kit, not yours anyway.'  
'Yeah I know. I don't want to interfere. Maya and Tiff are okay together?'  
'Yes. He's always been her favourite hasn't he?'  
'Yes I know. Do they spend a lot of time together, then?'  
'Yes, I think she's at a bit of a loose end without him to be honest.'  
'Right'  
'What's this about Kit?'  
'Nothing. I'm not suggesting anything.'  
'But you are, aren't you Kit? With that last sentence you are.'  
'Look mate, it's not for me to say. If you aren't worried, it's nothing.'  
'I don't like what you are implying Kit. Either say something or don't. I think you are a bit out of line.'  
'I'm sorry. Tiff told me in confidence so I can't say. But I...'  
'If this relates to my family. I think you have a duty to say it...  
'Right okay.I mean he's better now isn't he? He doesn't drink?'  
'Rarely, and he can manage it like you or me, as far as I can see. He's 24 after all. Although Maya fusses over him a bit.'  
'Does she?'  
'Well she likes to doesn't she?'  
'Yes I suppose so, when you lived in Sydney, I know they were very close. I really think when Tiff isn't working he should stay with me sometimes. I could always give him work if he wanted some. I will have to talk to him about it.'  
'You can try, but I think Maya won't thank you.'  
' I thought you said he's better now?  
'Yes but she likes his company and with my late hours and working weekends at the moment I think it's good for them both. They went camping last year when I couldn't make it, so he is helpful when he stays.'  
'Oh yes I remember. You don't think they spend too much time together?'  
'What's too much? They are brother and sister you know?  
'Yes I know. I think that's what Tiff has a problem with.'  
'I don't like what your saying Kit.'  
'It's just boundaries, Lochie. Do you think he is good with boundaries? I mean at Christmas when Maya was sitting on his lap I thought you would say something to them,' he seemed concerned.  
'I don't even remember what you are talking about,' I confessed.  
'Maybe you should take a look around you...do they still do that?'  
'Yes I suppose so.. There's nothing wrong with that.'  
'Isn't there? Don't you ever think about whether because of your situation you might be a bit too permissive, a bit too tolerant?'  
'I think perhaps you are trying to insinuate something that is insulting to my brother, to my wife and to me.'  
'No I'm not. That's not what I mean.'  
'Well it sounds like you are implying my household is some part of a sick cult.' Perhaps I was being overly defensive. I did sometimes think Tiffin was very close to Maya. But that was for me to judge, nobody else. Kit was right though, because of how I lived my life it was a sensitive subject.  
' Would I say that? Have you forgotten who you are talking to? I set you up in Australia. It's thanks to me you could come here at all.'  
'So you know Maya and I are nothing like that? We are no different to you. I can't believe you would say that. Has there ever been anything in my behaviour, ever, that you would say was remotely inappropriate towards you, Tiff or Willa?'  
'No, not at all, far from it. You were a wonderful role model to Willa and even me, I'll admit it. And maybe especially to Tiffin, until, well you know. It's just I think when you look at Maya and Tiffin maybe you aren't seeing what others see.'  
'There is nothing going on between Maya and Tiffin.'  
'Look Lochie, I'm just concerned that Tiff isn't getting a chance to...well to live his own life. I think he gets too caught up in yours.'  
'Meaning?'  
'I just think he has trouble understanding what his relationship to you and Maya is. I don't think he ever recovered.'  
'He's doing fine,' I insisted.  
'Are you sure Lochie? I respect you and Maya, you know I do. I have been with you on this from the beginning really haven't I?'  
'Yes I appreciate all you have done for us.'  
'Well it's just what you do is ilegaI. I mean technically it is morally condemned. Isn't it? I mean not by me but by society and the law.'  
'You don't need to remind me Kit.'  
'Well look, you are okay, your kids are okay, I'm good, Willa's good. But there is a victim in this you know, and it's Tiff.'  
'You know how I feel about that. I handled it badly, and I've been trying to make it up to him ever since. You are right, I might never make up for it. But I think saying he's a victim is just taking it too far.' I was insistent, perhaps I did not want to agree that things could be worse for Tiffin than I thought they were.  
'Look Lochie, I was there for those years when really he would hardly see you. I saw him daily. It was really hard for him. And though he wouldn't see you, you know he got really attached to Maya. I think he wanted to protect her.'  
'Yes I know all that, that was good for them both. I guess he still does that. Teaching her practical skills, finding her a job. That really is all good.'  
'Yes I know he really cares about her. But you know all the time he just wanted her to be his sister and he couldn't even say it. I was there many times when Maya was in the house sorting something out for Willa or him and he would have friends over. And you know how beautiful she is...'  
'Yes I do know..'  
'And the way she dresses. It's never been overt, that's the point, with her hair and figure she could wear anything but to a group of pubescent boys....'  
"What happened?'  
'Well it's just trivial really but I would see Tiff cringe when the boys eyes would follow her out of the room. And they'd say on a scale of one to 10 how likely would you fuck your brother's wife if you had the chance? And Tiff wouldn't say anything to defend her. I don't think he knew what to say. So I would tell them to shut up but then he just stopped having friends, even girlfriends round after Grace said Maya looked like Willa.'  
'I didn't know all of that.'  
'I just mean he must have got ribbed about his sister in law at school, you know, Having this very ....attractive sister in law round his house all the time...and maybe he got to see her in a way he shouldn't. But at the same time he was getting more and more dependent on her because he cut off his friends and he had cut out you.'  
'Why didn't you say something?'  
'Well we were all working through it with him then weren't we? And I mean I'm just guessing, a lot if this is hindsight...I thought I might be completely wrong. But I often used to wonder, why did he leave virtually the day after his last exam and not come back for was it 2 years or more? I mean be wasn't independent like you, or me at all.'  
'Yes, he left because of me, I know that.'  
'But you were getting on better then weren't you?'  
'Yes, but I assumed when he could leave, he did.'  
'That never seemed a good enough answer to me. And when you were on the phone last week and you said Maya was sitting on his lap and that you wished you got to spend as much time with your wife as he does I wanted to come up here.'  
'So that's why you came?'  
'Partly. I wanted to talk to him face to face, because that reminded me of how he used to be with her when he was 17 or 18 but he's not a teenager anymore is he? Besides there was something he said to me once. And I think maybe Maya encourages him, just because of how she is and you well, I don't think you take much notice.'  
'Well I can promise you, whatever you are worried about, it was nothing. You have had a wasted trip. Yes, Maya sits with him like that all the time. She would take you into her arms wouldn't she? She's a very tactile person. I've never seen you complain when she used to snuggle into your arms.'  
'Yes, if you say so. Yes, I know what Maya's like, and I haven't seen them together lately, you have. I just don't know if Tiff's good on boundaries. He can be quite immature. What's the most intimate you have seen them be together?'  
'Intimate? Surely there's a better way of putting it?'  
'Okay, tactile then.'  
'Well, I'd have to think. He picks her up, that's nothing. They sit watching TV together quite closely I guess. Oh once I was just back from London and...well you probably won't like this...Tiff licked her cheek and they fell on the ground together.'  
'Jesus, Lochie. That's not right is it?'  
'But they were in front of me. He just did it to get my attention because I was just talking to the kids, not them. They had been camping together and I'd been in London and I was just with the kids.'  
'So mate, what did you do?'  
'Nothing, I just ignored it.'  
'I hope that was the right thing to do. I think I would have had a word with him and Maya right there. You lot have always been very much in each other's company. I just don't think you understand.'  
'It's okay. All I have to worry about are some of Tiffin's bad jokes. He tries to wind me up all the time, it's just what he does. I ignore him. But he is good company - for me, not just Maya. I love him like a son, you know that. Yes, I think he is ready to leave the nest but I'm not going to kick him out. And for your information, I do believe he has come to terms with Maya and me since before he first met Freya.'  
'Yes I think you are right.'  
'Thank you. Can we drop this then? It's making me uncomfortable. Let's have a drink in the garden.'  
'Yes. That would be great. But you were the one who picked him up from Melbourne. Didn't he tell you why he ended up on that track?  
'Yes he was drunk.  
'Are you being deliberately evasive Lochie? Or are you in some sort of denial?'  
'What do you mean?'  
'Well he didn't fall did he? He didn't fall because he was drunk. He jumped on purpose. He just happened to be drunk as well.'  
'Yes I know that, because of me and Maya, but he's better now.''  
'Well, you say he's okay about you and Maya yes? Because of that incident with Freya and dad?'  
'Yes. He made it clear to me himself. He said he was okay with it.'  
'But you never spoke to dad about it did you?'  
'No.'  
'Well I did, and I have spoken to Tiff, briefly. I thought you knew. I thought you were looking after him. I thought you were meant to be the intuitive one.'  
'What are you saying?'  
'Tiffin told you he hit dad because he said Freya shouldn't exist, didn't he?'  
'Yes, I know that. You know I'm grateful that he defended her.'  
'But that's not it. Dad said he was beaten to an inch of his life because he implied we were all fucking each other.'  
'Yes well, in the end it doesn't make any difference. That is very offensive.'  
'But that's the problem. That's Tiff's problem. He thinks he's like that.'  
'Like what?'  
'Are you thick Lochie? Do I have to spell it out? He loves, or he thinks he loves Maya. He told me that. He asked me not to tell you that because he said he had been 'cured'. I just thought it wasn't true in the first place. And he thought if he even suggested the slightest thing you wouldn't take him back, so I didn't share what he told me. Because I thought it wasn't true, but that he needed you, both of you. Because that's why he threw himself onto the track.'  
'Fuck off Kit. That's not true. You must have misunderstood him.'  
'I don't think I did mate.'  
'When did you talk to him?'  
'About that? Pretty much the day you brought him home from Melbourne.'  
'He was probably just rambling. He still wasn't himself. I do think I would know. And by the way, so would Maya. Has he said anything since?'  
'No. He said he was getting better. Being with you made him better.'  
'Well there you are then. You misunderstood him. I think you are too quick to think there must be some sort of deviancy surrounding us Kit, and that surprises me.'  
'Lochie, you know me better than that. I was just trying to help.'  
'Okay.'  
'With Maya spending so much time with him and being so down herself...'  
'Down?'  
'Yes, with the move.'  
'I don't think she has been down, Kit.'  
'She has had some pretty lengthy conversations with Willa about it..'  
'Has she?'  
'Well she doesn't like the place.'  
'Doesn't she?'  
'Lochie, what's happened to you? You were never like this. Can't you see what's going on in your own home?' Kit was getting incredibly frustrated, with me.  
'I don't know what you mean. I'm so busy with work. It's a massive project. But I'm in line for a hefty bonus soon, and I will be done.'  
'Listen to yourself. When were you interested in money?'  
'I have a family. I provide for them. I have to. You need money for that. There's a reason I'm doing this.'  
'You provided for us pretty well, with next to nothing.'  
'I don't want that for my kids.'  
'Why not? We were happy. When you took over our home we were happy. Do you know why? Because you gave us your time.'  
'This is the real world, Kit.'  
'The real world is what you make it Lochie. You said you don't even have time to go on camping trips with the kids. You work late nights and weekends with a young family. And I can see the quality of the wood and fittings you've used. This house must have cost a fortune. Time vs money Lochie. You used to know your priorities, No wonder Maya's down.'  
'You keep saying that. It's not true. She is very happy. We are planning to have another baby.'  
'Really? I thought you said you wouldn't risk another?'  
'The kids are 100% healthy. I don't think there's any risk.'  
'Okay. I'm surprised though. But yes that's good.'  
'And if you want to know, sex is great.'  
'Well if you say so.'  
'I just mean, if she was down, that would be the first thing to go wouldn't it? And in fact I can hardly keep up with her.'  
'Too much information Lochie. But while you might be enjoying it perhaps you should ask yourself is there another reason her behaviour has changed.'  
'Such as?'  
'I really don't know. Maybe that's the only way she can get any attention from you. I just don't think you should give yourself superficial answers.'  
'I don't think I am.'  
'It's just I hope you aren't being blind to what's going on in your own home. From my point of view you are pushing them together. I hope you aren't ignoring things because you are so busy, Lochie. He's vulnerable, she's wants to protect him, that's what she is like.'  
'There's nothing wrong with that Kit.'  
'No nothing at all. You are right, I suppose.He's your brother and she is your wife.'  
'That's right Kit. Besides even if you really think I damaged Tiffin so badly, you should know that what I have with Maya, the whole point was we were different. Our childhood lead us to this. I'm glad it did, but that was the reason. Maya and Tiff, yes maybe they do spend too much time together but that's really is all it is. I shouldn't have moaned to you about it. Honestly Kit, anything else really would be impossible.'  
'I'm sorry. You are right of course. I didn't mean they would well, you know. I didn't mean that. I just thought Tiff might need space, you and Maya might need a break from him. I feel a bit stupid now. I guess I'm a bit out of the loop in Melbourne, with you here too now.'  
'Yes Kit. But it's lucky you have made the effort to make such a journey, or I may have thrown you out ten minutes ago. I'm just going to forget we ever had this conversation, okay?  
'You're the boss,' said Kit.  
'Lets go and have that drink then.' So we went outside and talked about mundane things. And I showed him round the house. After about an hour he went to leave.  
'Good luck with the job, Lochie. I hope it goes well. But remember what I said about family, Lochie. I don't mean Tiff and Maya. I guess I was out of line there. But time with your family, you used to be good at that.'  
'Yes Kit, you have a point. This isn't permanent you know. I love every minute I get to spend with the kids, with Maya.'  
'I know mate, I just hope you are getting enough of them. I want you to know, Lochie, I have never come across anyone so devoted to his family. I'm very proud to call you my brother. You taught us to be liberal, open minded people, to take responsibility for things. Anything I said, I didn't mean to cause any offence at all.'  
'Well Kit, thank you. I guess you can come back again after all,' I joked.  
And with that we said goodbye and I watched Kit ride away.

I didn't pay any attention to what Kit had said about Tiff and Maya. Yes I had seen little things, but that's how they were with each other. I wasn't jealous of my brother, it was just he was around a lot. I knew Tiff needed our support, that's why he lives with us whenever he wants. And Maya is the one most able to support him at the moment. I thought I may have been a bit harsh on Kit but now we have children my greatest fear is that people would perceive that because we do have a family that there is something corrupt about the way they live their lives. Yes, I've virtually forgotten that I'm Maya's brother. I haven't seen myself as that for years. But that doesn't mean I think incest is right. If my son and daughter entered into a sexual relationship I would have failed them tremendously. Our situation arose from dysfunction. In other circumstances our relationship wouldn't have started. But it did, and we made it something good. But it's not something I need to even think about. Does any parent? I think about what dinner to cook them, what story to read. We are just completely ordinary. Completely 'normal'. It's the same with Maya and Tiff. She can sit on his lap if she likes. He can fall asleep in her arms. Why not? There's nothing sexual about it at all. I am sorry that an idea like that even crossed Kit's mind. But one thing I remembered was that a long time ago when I had abandoned Maya in England and stayed in Sydney myself it was Kit who had given me the best advice anyone had given me in my life, before or since. He had told me to come back to her.

So I returned to my work, and got a lot done. I talked to Maya and the kids in the evening and they were all happy and excited - all of them. Maya said she was a bit nervous but she sounded vivacious. Maybe Kit had been right about one thing - I hadn't been paying enough attention to Maya. But I was very happy for her now. I hoped it all worked out for her. I know it will. People warm to her easily so I knew she would work well as a team. And she's enthusiastic and talented. She should do very well. I made a point of telling her how much I loved her, and how proud I was. She was sweet and loving to me, and we talked about the next weekend that we will have together, before her 6 week work pattern begins. But we will manage all of that.Tiff was right, it is my turn to support her. So in spite of my rather emotional talk with Kit that afternoon, when I went to bed after 1am, I went to sleep peacefully, pleased I had got so much work done, clearing a space to spend more time with my family as Kit had, wisely, suggested.

I woke up with a start. It was about 4.30am. I had had horrible dreams, visions really - of Maya and Tiffin together, kissing on the sofa in front of me. It was like something from the film Inception. As if by talking about it Kit had planted an idea in my mind, and made it true. I was glad to be awake, and tried to shake those thoughts from me. But there's something about the night. Those same ideas which I had ridiculed in the day preyed on me now. It was okay how Maya held her brother, how he held her wasn't it? I know sometimes I wish I had more time with Maya in the evening when Tiff sits in the lounge with us, but if he stays there too long he is being at worst a little insensitive - he's not jealous is he? Is sitting on her brother's lap wrong? She used to do that with Kit, have pop corn fights whatever, laugh and giggle with him, but he was 17 or 18 and she was 21, maybe a bit older. Should she still be laughing in her brother's arms now that she is in her 30's and Tiff is 24, does that make a difference? No, they just have a laugh together...it's okay. But what about that time he came in after a fight? She didn't want to leave his side, and he looked at me as if to say...I don't know what that look said. Did it say she chooses me? And then he told her to go with me and she did, it was as if she does what he says, she listens to him, not me. I grew agitated. I'd seen him swirling patterns on her back when she is sunbathing, but I thought nothing of it, I was sitting right there, it meant nothing. But as I pictured them together, just them, was there something sexual in it? Did his hands stay on her body too long? He said one day he was looking after her like a brother should look after his sister. I took that as a criticism of me. But did he mean something else? Is my relationship with Maya something he aspires to? My thoughts were running away with me. When morning comes they will go. I couldn't wait for dawn.

I didn't get back to sleep but I forced to think of other things, work, the kids. I was okay. It was a long day at work with but I got through it. I facetimed Maya and the kids.Tiffin answered.  
'Yes, Maya had a good day at work.'  
'What about him and the kids?'  
'Yes we went to an aquarium.'  
'And they are okay?'  
'Yes I told you, I look after them all as if they were my own.' There it was again. I hadn't really liked it the first time he said it. Was it meant yo be reassuring? Or did it suggest that Tiff wanted to be like me, be me, like Kit had said.  
'But they aren't yours.' I stressed. Why did I even say that?  
'Er yes Lochie, I think I know they are your kids.'  
'Yes yes, sorry, I'm meandering.' Why am I apologising?  
'So can I talk to them?' Am I asking for permission?  
'Yes, 5 mins. Maya's giving them a bath. They were so sandy today. She'll call you, yes?' he said.  
'Great thanks.'  
I turned it off.  
I'm being paranoid. Tiff's helping out. Of course he'd look after the kids like they were his own, he's family that's all he meant. The 5 minutes he said it would take to call back took 10, 20, 25. Had Maya forgotten? I analysed all of my short conversation with Tiff. What had he said? He would look after all of them as his own, not just the kids. Did he mean Maya as well? But the kids he said he knew were mine, but Maya wasn't? Why was I even analysing this, it was just words. I was being pathetic. Then the ipad rang. I answered it. It was Freya holding the pad, thumb over the camera, swerving all about. 'Hello daddy,' she was saying. I heard Maya's voice, helping Freya hold it properly. As it swerved round the room, I caught a glimpse of Tiffin who seemed to be sitting sideways on the sofa with one knee up, and Maya sitting into him with her back against him. Kit probably wouldn't have liked that. The camera swerved again, someone must have propped the pad up because then it was still and I could talk to Freya about her day, with Aran popping in and out to show me a drawing he had done and a bumped knee. It sounded like she had had a good day. Then Maya told her to say goodbye and I heard her talk to Tiffin. '  
'Just a moment," she said to me. Then the ipad swayed as she carried it into another room. I heard the door close and the pad noisily propped up again. She was sitting on the bed. She loosened her hair over her shoulders. I could tell she was looking at her own image to see what she looked like. Beautiful of course.  
'Good I have got you to myself,' she said.

First she asked about my day, but I told her mine was nothing special I wanted to hear about hers. Once she got started she was on a roll. It was lovely to see her so happy. She was already back to her old self I could see that. She had funny stories about one of the women wanting to create a room Picasso meets Hilary Clinton, to attract powerful business women, or The Rolling Stones with a hint of Indian spice to attract the aged rock fan market. She could see the whole project could turn into a nightmare if the designers personal tastes weren't kept in check. Maya said she thought her suggestions had been taken on quite well as she was appealing to a slightly broader market, but being quirky all the same. She said she was influenced by some of the immersive theatre shows we used to see when she and I were students in London. It was lovely to talk to her like that, just in one day she had changed. I realised I had been blind to things at home. Not to her and Tiffin - that was ridiculous, but to her. Hearing her talk about creative things, the theatre trips we used to do, reminded me of how I had dragged her to our new but, to be honest, dull town. Yes, it had a beach, yes, the house was beautiful but what else? A couple of cafés, a dollar shop, an Indian restaurant and a few family run shops that catered for tourists, the middle aged and pool and barbecue equipment. But she had never complained.  
'Just a minute,' she said. She got up off the bed and I lost sight of her. 'I've locked the door Lochie," she said. 'We don't do this much anymore do we?' Then she slowly unbuttoned her blouse to reveal a pink and cream lace bra. She pushed her breasts together to emphasise her cleavage.  
'Miss me Lochie?' she said seductively.  
'Er Maya...'  
'It's okay Tiffin's got the kids.'  
She undid more buttons.  
'Where are your hands Lochie?' she asked. She tilted the camera to her face, pulling a pouty face between smiles  
'Er they are on my desk...there are other people still here.' Unfortunately, I was still in the office.  
'Oh poor Lochie,' she said.  
Then she knelt up on her knees on the bed and the camera tilted a bit. I saw she had taken off her top so she was just kneeling of the bed in her little bra and matching pink thong with her auburn hair falling over her shoulders. She slipped her hand into her knickers I could tell, even though she was further from the screen.  
'I miss you,' she said laughing. Such a pretty laugh. Such a beautiful woman. Good god I missed her, I knew that was true and not just from the rock hard cock I now had.  
I heard a knock at the door  
'Oh Lochie I have to go... More tomorrow?' She laughed again and blew me a kiss.  
Yes Kit, I was right I have absolutely nothing to worry about. I know she loves me, thinks about me. But even so. Because of what Kit had said I didn't like to think of her putting on a show for me, so many hundreds of miles away, when Tiff was just outside her door.

On Tuesday I stayed at work later than usual. Maya had sent me funny little snapchats throughout the day. I pick them up if I have a break or lunch, and they always brighten my day, I've stopped sending pictures back, but I text her my appreciation, because I don't want her to stop. She always looks for the humorous things in life, and I like it that she shares that view with me. We are different - I've always been more serious, but we complement each other well. I talked to the children around 6.30, but Tiff was in charge of the pad, not Maya. She had just popped out for something. She texted to say she would talk later. After my chat with the kids finished, as the time reached 7.00, I was very conscious of it because that is the time I should be back home to put the kids to bed, and I hadn't done that for weeks. Then it reached 8.30, the time I set for myself to be home with Maya nowadays but sometimes I don't even make that. What is the point of working like this if I only get to see her 2 or 3 hours a day? No wonder when I come home she stays sitting with Tiff, it's wrong to think she should jump up and give me all her attention, when I have put her a poor second to my work for months. 

I was home at 9.30. At 10pm Maya called on the phone. I asked her about work but she said she wanted to tell me about last night. She had gone clubbing with Tiff. I couldn't hide my surprise. Having made such a fuss of not being able to find childcare at short notice she had picked a random stranger to look after our children in Cairns, to go out with Tiff. Then she told me that I would have liked to have been there, we should do it ourselves again. She said Tiff had bought her a dress to match the bikini I had bought her from Agent Provocateur, that she hadn't worn yet. I must have seemed agitated, she was defensive.  
Why was Tiff buying her a dress? I could imagine it was a sexy little number for clubbing and I didn't like that. That was for me to do.  
'Why had he seen your bikini, when you said it was for me?' I asked. She countered by saying originally I had thought it was fine for her to wear in public, so I shouldn't make a fuss.  
She said Tiffin was her best friend and she shared everything with him. Ordinarily I may not have dwelt on that comment, but today I did. In fact that comment saddened me terribly. If anyone asked me who my best friend was of course I would say Maya. For years, since our teens we had always agreed together that we came to be a couple because of our friendship.We were there for each other always. That is what made our marriage strong. But I was fooling myself. We weren't actually married, we never could be. Perhaps I was fooling myself that we were best friends. But I k ow we used to be. Many many times Maya would call me that. Now I was usurped and Maya didn't even check herself. She didn't even realise she may have upset me. She used that statement to justify why she was showing and discussing personal things about us with our brother. So of course it mattered. It made everything worse. I wasn't with her, I missed her and she was describing Tiffin with superlatives. Yes, I was jealous of the relationship she had with him. I knew they were more similar in temperament than me and Maya. I knew they shared many things together. I knew they spent a lot of time together. She didn't work. He didn't work. How much time were they actually spending together? Because I didn't see them all day was I, like Kit suggested, ignoring how much they were in fact becoming increasingly dependent on each other?

The next day Maya and I patched things up as best you can using an ipad and phone when we spoke, quite early in the evening. But though Maya didn't say so, I felt an unease. I asked her if work was going well and she said it was. If I could have been with her then, if I could have held her like I wanted to, like I used to have time to do, I think I may have found out more. But that evening I wasn't there with her so I couldn't. She was the last thing I thought about before I went to sleep. I promised to myself I would look after her more when she came back, I would make sure that she felt important, that what she wanted and needed was not second to me. I missed her. I missed what we used to have. 

I just knew something was wrong on Thursday. I had one text from her in the day, saying she was busy. That wasn't a problem. But that evening, I don't know why she even called. The ipad worked for Freya and Aran, but when she took it from them she said the video wasn't working for her, so I couldn't even see her. Her words were monosyllabic, she seemed cross with the children and when she mentioned Tiffin it was almost as an apology, to say how very good he had been with the children. I knew he was there with them, Freya had pointed the pad in his direction as he walked around the room.  
'Do you want to talk to Daddy?' asked Freya.  
'No Freya, I'm just out of the shower. I don't have anything to say today. Another time,' I heard him mutter. Then I heard him say to Maya, 'Do you want me to talk to him?' There wasn't a reply.  
Maya then took the pad into her bedroom. I thought she wanted to hear me better as the children had started to play noisily. But she was hardly listening to a word I said. There were so many pauses. She said that work was still good, but she wanted to come home. She seemed to want to reassure me that she loved me, when I had said nothing to suggest I needed that reassurance right then. Her voice sounded sad, tired - and guilty? I didn't know exactly what had happened, but I felt sick. I checked with her that the kids were all right - I had just seen them, so I knew they were. They had talked happily enough about their uncle and their day. I hadn't known her like this apart from those big events in our lives, which had been my doing : when I had tried to break us apart on more than one occasion. She didn't seem like Maya. I knew then that Kit had been right. I had been in denial. I asked her if I could speak with Tiff. But she was insistent that I could not. She said he was going out right then. I wasn't convinced at all. I knew something had happened between them. I had seen them together, being affectionate to each other so many times. I knew he loved her. I just hadn't guessed in what way. I had ignored Maya, I had ignored Tiff. It had been easier like that - it gave me time to spend uninterrupted on my work. And now my wife was miles away, almost distraught, There was only one reason why. I asked her if she wanted me to come to her. If she had said yes I would have done it in an instant, but she said no. I think she sensed I was concerned, because it was at that point she said there was something she needed to talk with me about, but it would be best to talk at home. I could have asked her right then what had happened between her and Tiifin, but I didn't want to. Not when I was here and she was there with him. I wanted to think. How bad was it? What I would do - what she would do? She said she was coming back home but I was nervous. I just didn't want everything we had, to be gone.

I prayed I was wrong. I slept fitfully, but I had no dreams. They would be back this evening. I knew I would be able to tell straight away with Maya what had happened. She was an open book. I had never known her to hide anything from me at all - except it had turned out her dislike of our new home. And I knew she did that for me. She couldn't even keep birthday surprises secret from me. I always got them early, as soon as she bought something. That made me think of all the happy times we had together. Not just sex, that was incredibly important to us, but the ordinary things that make a relationship strong too. I looked at my diary. 9am Meeting. 11am, weekly review. 1.30pm phone call to Auckland. 4.30 pm Team review. I called up the office, I wouldn't be in today, family matters. 'No problem at all,' my secretary said. So I took off my suit, got dressed casually and got in the car. I drove along the beach road for a bit and ended up in the next town. I went to the supermarket and just bought all the special foods Maya and the kids like. I went home and started to make her the cake I invented for her when she was trying a vegan detox and has liked it ever since. It takes a long time and I'm very precise with it. That's what I wanted. I just wanted to do something for Maya, without having to think of anything else. After that I tried to do some work, but really I was just waiting for her to come home. If it was as bad as I feared I just didn't want to know about it. I didn't want to lose my family. I loved them all so much. But if it was what I feared, it was so much worse than 'just' being unfaithful. If she had gone so far as having sex with our brother I really feared it had already destroyed us.


	41. Maya

We had had a short day at work on Friday, so the children and I were home just after 7pm. They had slept on the plane so they were all bubbly and excited to be back, though most of all they just wanted to see their daddy. I thought I would have time to give them some dinner and maybe a bath so that when Lochie came home he could just read them a story as he likes to do. But I had just parked my car in the drive when our front door opened and Lochie came out to see us. He must have been home early. He was dressed casually, just in a t shirt and shorts, it didn't look like he was just back from work. He even had a tea towel over his shoulder.  
He got each of his children out of the car.  
'I have missed you, really missed you,' he said to each one. Then he got down to their level and they swamped him with cuddles and babbled to him together so that you could hardly make out a word they were saying, except as I was getting out the luggage I kept hearing them say daddy this, daddy that.  
Seeing me get the cases out of the car, Lochie rose up, 'Hey kids why don't you go into the living room? I have hidden a present for each of you in there. See if you can find it. It's about the same size as a book and the same shape as a book. Got that?'  
'Yes Daddy,' they said in unison.  
'And you don't have to climb anything to find them,' he called after them as they ran in doors. He was smiling when he turned to me, but it soon disappeared from his face. I think he tried to bring it back but it was just an apology for a smile.  
'Hello Maya,' he said. 'I'm glad you are back too,' as if it was a surprise I was there at all. I looked at him but had to avert my eyes quickly. I could tell he knew something was wrong.  
'Yes, I'm back. We best get in, the kids will be wrecking the place.'  
'Yes,' said Lochie. 'It looks like you have more stuff than you went with,' carrying two heavy cases up the stairs.  
'Well, you know what he's like, 5 days with them, and he bought them everything they asked for.'  
'Yes, I think I know what he's like. Where is he by the way? I thought he had a ticket to come back here again?'  
'Oh no. He decided to stay and look for work at the last minute.'  
'Oh he did? What about the weekend? He said he was going to help me out? What about the Mmondays we need him for?'  
'Er, I don't know about that now...I don't know. Thank you for carrying those,' I said unnecessarily.  
'Right. I see,' he replied.  
I realised Lochie had not said he loved me, not said he missed me, not held me or kissed me. And neither of us had said Tiff's name. He knew. I don't know how, but he knew. In a way I was pleased. It was obvious I wasn't going to be able to lie to him. Why would I? I loved him, why would I lie to him? And yet less than 48 hours ago I had cheated on him again and again.

When we walked into the house, the kids were already sitting down with their books. Freya was reading one to Aran. She could read picture books well already. This one had a lovely rhythm to it even in her little voice. It was a children's version of Chief Seattle's famous speech. It was called Brother Eagle, Sister Sky, and had lots of references to the natural world and pictures to match. Very Lochie. Freya's own book was by her side, Children's Stories by Oscar Wilde. Lochie sat down with the children, helping Freya read to her brother, and then he started to read 'The Happy Prince' to them both.  
'I might just take a shower,' I said to Lochie.  
'Sure,' he replied. 'I will get dinner ready, if it's not too late for them?' he asked.  
'Yes, that's fine. I'm not hungry though, but I will sit with you if you like.'  
'Okay, if you want to,' he mumbled.

When I came out of the shower. I just put on some lounge pants and a strappy top. I looked in the mirror, I didn't look like myself. I looked grey, lifeless, as if something was missing, because I knew once I confirmed what I had done, Lochie wouldn't love me anymore, so half of me was gone.  
When I came downstairs Lochie was already eating with the children. At least he was pretending to. He had made some tagliatelle and was helping them both spin their forks. Whenever he cooks, even just for the kids he always does something special. Not like me, I usually throw a pizza in the oven at the last minute. Today he had made a nice looking pasta dish and a salad with beautiful leaves and raspberries hidden through it, to tempt the chikdren to eat it no doubt. There was a blueberry cake decorated with crystallised lemons which I knew he had made himself. When I was going through a vegan phase to detox I complained that everything was boring, just tofu, fruit, salads, and more tofu. So one Sunday morning I got up and he had made me this most wonderful dessert. It was like a cheesecake but it wasn't really a cheesecake at all. It was made with cashews, coconut milk, and blueberries and he had decorated it with rose petals. He said here was something I could eat that wasn't boring. He knows I have a sweet tooth, but this had no sugar in it, but was still sweet. The base was made from dates. It was really delicious and it looked beautiful. So now when it's my birthday or some special occasion I always ask him to make me a version of it, and he does, though I never know how he will decorate it. I guess there was a certain irony that he made it today, but I don't think Lochie would have made it for that reason... I think he tries so hard with his cooking because when we were kids we used to laugh at his recipes. When mum gave up caring for us Lochie took over cooking. Often it would just be beans and toast but other times it would be things Gran taught us to cook. She died by the time Lochie was 11 I think. But by then he had mastered her Yorkshire pudding, spaghetti bolognaise, apple pie, but not much else, so those meals would turn up on the menu again and again. His soup of the day was a marvellous revelation in how to use up and disguise vegetables in order to get Willa and Tiffin to eat them. We would all laugh at his variations on a theme. But he never stopped trying, even though our budget was so limited, so in the end, after a few disasters at Christmas he became very good.  
'Are you sure you don't want anything?' he asked again.  
'Maybe later, it looks delicious. Is it yummy Aran?'  
He nodded yes as he gobbled it up.  
'When did you get a chance to do all this? I know my cake takes you ages.'  
'Oh, I was working from home today. Well I was meant to be. I didn't get a lot done. Stupid isn't it, I told you I could never take a Monday off then I just take a Friday off like that and don't achieve anything.'  
'It's not stupid Lochie, if you needed to...' But I stopped what I was saying as I knew where this would lead.  
'Yes, I suppose so,' he said, almost lethargically. 'Did you still want to talk to me about something? You don't have to. I know it's been a long week'  
'Darling...I ...I..' I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what Lochie wanted me to say. He looked so terribly sad. I knew I was the cause of that and I hated myself for making him worry, for cheating on him, for hurting him so.  
'Daddy, why don't you tell mummy she has to eat her dinner?' interrupted Freya.  
'I don't tell mummy to do anything Freya, you know that. It's different for adults, they have to decide for themselves what they want to do.'  
'That's not fair!'  
"Mostly it is Freya. Most of the time... Anyway tell me all about your trip.' So the children talked and talked. Tiffin this, Tiffin that. And Lochie listened and engaged with them and marvelled at everything their uncle had done with them. Sometimes though he would look at me, because I was silent, and then I could see a sadness in his eyes. Still, when the children had exhausted their stories about the wonderful time they had enjoyed with Tiffin he turned to me and asked me about my work. Though I used adjectives to describe it as exciting and rewarding my tone of voice suggested anything but.  
After dinner the children played and Lochie sat with them. I sorted out the suitcases and when I came down, Lochie was already putting the children to bed.  
Though I felt tired and drained I knew I couldn't go to sleep without talking to him. So I just sat on the sofa thumbing through a magazine, waiting. 

Eventually Lochie came down, he sorted a few things out and came and sat on the adjacent sofa by himself. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes just because he did that. I didn't like that distance between us, and I knew what it symbolised, I knew why he had done it. Lochie read a book. Well, he held a book in front of him. He didn't look like he was reading at all. So after a while he put the book down and he said, 'Maya, would you like to come and sit next to me?' It was a real question as if he thought I might say yes, or no. But I said 'yes' and sat next him. He looked at me as if searching my face for answers, but then he turned away. But he did put his arm around me and gestured to me to come closer to him, so that I almost curled up next to him. He even kissed the side of my face, and his had upon my shoulder was not still - his strokes soothed me and I felt safe in his arms as if I had been wronged and he was comforting me. But that wasn't the truth of it at all. We just sat there in complete silence, because I think we both knew as soon as one of us talked, everything would be over.

Eventually I knew I had to speak. They were the hardest words I have ever had to say. 'L..l..lochie,' I stammered, 'when I was in Cairns I did something I regret. And it will hurt you.' There was no point holding back.  
'It will?'  
'Yes.'  
'And do I need to know about it?'  
'I think you should.'  
'Do you love me?'  
'Yes.'  
'Do you want to leave me?'  
'No.'  
'Then I don't want to know.'  
'But Lochie...'  
'No. I don't want to know, if it's what I think it is, I don't want to know.'  
'But Lochie, you don't understand...'  
'I do. I have seen him looking at you. I've been a fool to ignore it. And now he's not here. Just don't say it.'  
'Lochie...' I pleaded.  
'Don't say anything. Whatever happened it's done, yes?'  
'Yes.'  
'It's over?'  
'Yes.'  
'Then it never happened. I know I treated you appallingly more than once. You have forgiven me many times. So I don't need to forgive you this. It just never happened. I don't know why you did it, but I know why he did. That's my fault. But I have to live with that.'  
'Please forgive me.'  
'No, it never happened.'  
'But it did. We should talk.'  
'No Maya. Believe me it really is better if we don't talk. I can't talk about it. If I do I might change my mind.'  
'What do you mean?'  
'Look, it would be naive for me to hope that you are feeling guilty about something you nearly did, something you stopped yourself from doing?'  
'Yes Lochie, I did it.'  
'So we are talking full sex? You fucked him?'  
'Yes.'  
Lochie bit his lip, I can't remember the last time I saw him do that. He clenched his hands and released them.  
'Why didn't you come to me before?'  
'I don't know.'  
'Isn't that when we should have talked?'  
'But that's the problem isn't it? We don't talk anymore.'  
'I hardly think that's the problem is it? That's not why we are sitting here right now.' He had a point, but I wanted to make mine.  
'But it is. That was the start of it.'  
'I see. So it's my fault?'  
'No I'm not saying that. But I hardly see you.'  
'I'm working Maya. I'm working bloody hard for the family, for us.'  
'Are you? I never wanted this house.'  
'Fuck this house. I keep telling you when this is over we are going to have more money than I could earn working ten years anywhere else.'  
'I don't care about the money. I wanted you.'  
'Well you have got a funny way of showing it. You want me so you fuck my brother. Good luck with that logic.'  
'Lochie...'  
'Do you even want to know why I took this job in the first place? Are you even interested?'  
'You told me, you wanted money.'  
'Do you really think I'm so shallow? Shall I tell you why I wanted to earn as much money as I could as quickly as I could?'  
'Yes go on then surprise me. You wanted to convert another house.. A bigger house?'  
'No Maya. I did it so that whatever happens you could stay with the children, you could keep them.'  
'What do you mean?'  
'If we were found out people wouldn't just make a moral judgement about us. It would all come down to money, it always does. The newspapers couldn't paint us as some sick hillbillies if our children didn't want for anything, if they went to private schools, if you owned a big house. Why would they take children from that environment and place them in care? They wouldn't do it. The more I provide for them, the more likely you could keep them.'  
'I didn't know Lochie... Why didn't you tell me? What do you mean, they would stay with me?'  
'Because they would let the children stay with one parent, because then there's no incestuous relationship going on is there? And of course that parent would be you. You don't doubt that do you? You know it would always be the mother - but you know I would always make sure it was you anyway.' I did not doubt his sincerity in the slightest.  
'Yes I know that. But what about you?'  
'I guess if they needed anyone to serve time it would be me. I don't have a problem with that, I made my choices. It's been worth it. Even now, it's been worth it. But I guess if we seemed like a good family I could get away with it...I think they just wouldn't want me living with you. Maybe have supervised visits, something like that...'  
'Supervised visits? That's stupid. You love your children. Anyone can see you are a wonderful father.'  
'Yeah, well. I don't know. Maybe I was just being optimistic. That was my plan. I guess they can do what they like...maybe they would take our children away no matter how well I provide for them. But that was my plan. That's why I took the fucking job. To keep my family together. That's a fucking irony now isn't it?'  
'No Lochie, I understand. I see now, it's so like you to do that.. Why didn't you tell me? I wish you had told me...' I thought it wasn't possible to feel worse about myself. It was.  
'Because it's my job to protect you. I didn't want you looking over your shoulder all the time. I just wanted you to enjoy every day, every boring normal day.'  
'But you should have said...'  
'Why? So you would support me? Shouldn't you do that anyway?'  
'Lochie it was hard ...I hardly see you.'  
'Did you ever actually tell me it was a problem until recently? You know it's been hard for me too. Don't you know, can't you even remember who I am? Of course I want more time with you. Of course I want more time with the children. Couldn't you just have remembered how it was?'  
'I should have done, Lochie, I should have done...'  
'Couldn't you see all I was doing was working? I don't have a social life. I don't go to golf, or tennis, or drinking like every other husband round here do I? I go for a run sometimes before any one else is awake. That's all I bloody do. I really thought I was a good husband to you. What an idiot I've been.'  
'You are a good husband Lochie. You are the very best. It's just we have had problems...'  
'God, we have sex all the time, how was I to know there was a problem?'  
'Now you are being shallow Lochie. Why do you think I wanted sex as soon as you walked in the door? Because if I didn't get you interested in me like that you weren't interested at all. You would just say you had more work to do. You know it's true.' 'Maybe sometimes...'  
'No all the time. I only had him to talk to. Only he would listen to me.'  
'Great. He's a good fuck and a good listener. I can't compete with that.'  
'Lochie, don't say things like that. How can I talk to you, how can I explain anything if you don't want to listen. I have to talk to you properly about why I did it.'  
'It's too late now.'  
'No it isn't Lochie, please, let me tell you why.'  
'No. You have hurt me, Maya. You have hurt me so very much. I want things to be like they were. But they can't be can they? But I wanted to try, I thought I could at least try to pretend that they are.'  
'Lochie, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. But you can't live like that.' I reached out to him, but he drew away. 'Lochie, I want to make it better. You have to talk to me.'  
'You can't make it better. Everything we had you have ruined. I will not talk to you about this,' he insisted.  
'Please Lochie, please. It might help you. It might help us. We can't live like this. Sixteen years Lochie. Think of the children. Please.'  
'Okay you want to talk about it?'  
'Yes.'  
'It won't help me to know how many times you cheated on me. If you liked it, didn't like it. If he was better than me, not as good as me. How will that help?'  
'Can't you say his name?'  
'No. Did you?'  
I hung my head.  
'All we ever said was that we were different, that word - incest - whatever it meant to society, it didn't mean anything to us. And now you've made how we live our lives grubby, seedy, not true.'  
'Stop it Lochie.'  
'You are the one who wanted to talk.'  
'Not like this.'  
'No, I choose now. We were going to say our vows to each other!' I could feel his anguish.  
'But I still want to,' I pleaded again.  
'I can't see that happening really, can you?' I didn't like the tone in his voice.  
'But I love you, that hasn't changed.'  
'Yes you have changed. You have changed from the one who was all to me. What can you promise me now?'  
'Everything Lochie, everything.'  
'Will you promise to tell me everything else you plan to do?'  
'My only plan is to love you. I didn't plan anything with him. I was trying to help him.'  
'Oh yeah? Is that what he called it?' he said dismissively.  
'No, he said he loved me.'  
'Why didn't you say you loved me, are married to me? Have children with me?' I could see he was fighting back tears.  
'Because none of that helped him. He didn't understand what we are to each other, how what we have is unique, pure, wonderful. He tried to kill himself for God's sake. But now he understands.'  
'And now I don't. You know Kit warned me about this. And I told him it was impossible. Never mind about Tiffim. I can see he is mixed up. I don't blame him. But it takes two Maya and the other one was you.'  
'I'm sorry.'  
'Good. I'm glad you are sorry. Have you any idea how I feel?'  
'No, I'm sorry.'  
'Don't keep saying that. Do you even want to know how I feel?'  
'Yes...'  
'You have broken me Maya.'  
'Don't say that...'  
'It's the truth Maya. After all we have been through together, everything that was against us, society, the world, whatever, our mother, our father, the fear of losing each other, our children everything - in the end it's you.. It's you that has destroyed me. It's you that has destroyed us.'  
'No Lochie please. We can come back,' I begged.  
'If it was with anyone else Maya. But my brother, your brother. You have looked after him since he was a child. It's not right Maya. It's not what we were ever about.'  
'He went away. He came back a man Lochie. A man who needed me.' It was a weak defence, I know. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry.' I was bereft. I could see the man I loved was in a very dark place, because of me.  
'You keep saying that. It doesn't help. You can't take it away.'  
'I can, I can prove myself to you.'  
'I thought you loved me, you said you did, now that means nothing. It wasn't true.'  
'But I do love you. I told him I couldn't love him like I love you. I didn't stop loving you,' I explained.  
'Then that's not love Maya. What you've been feeling for me all this time it wasn't even love. But I really think what I felt for you was the real thing.'  
'Was?' I asked.  
'Was. Is. I don't know. But it's over. I thought I could act like it didn't matter, but it does. I thought we could go on but we can't. I loved you so much Maya, you have shattered everything I thought was true. It's over.'  
'I'm the same person. I made one mistake. I told you about it because I knew it was wrong. Please Lochie, don't leave me,' I implored but he ignored me.  
'One mistake? One moment of madness?'  
'Yes.'  
'How long did this one fucking moment last? 10 seconds? 1 minute ? 10 minutes? 1 hour? That's not one moment. How long? How many times did you fuck him?' he demanded.  
'I don't know.'  
'You don't know? God, were you fucking him the whole week? With our children in the same hotel room? That's where it happened I guess?'  
'Yes, that's where it happened.'  
'So are you going to tell me? How many times did you fuck him?'  
'Please Lochie....'  
'Tell me. For God's sake, tell me!'  
'No. I regret it Lochie. It was wrong I know that, please I don't want to tell you.'  
'Fucking tell me. You wanted to talk. Fucking tell me, you whore.' He stood up and kicked over the coffee table. Books went flying and my glass of water shattered.  
'One evening Lochie, one evening.'  
'One evening. You fucked him one whole evening? With our kids sleeping there. You slut.' He kicked the table again.  
'Yes I fucked him one whole evening, one whole night and into the morning.'  
'You fucking whore!' He put his hands into his hair and looked up at the ceiling. He pulled me up roughly.  
'That's why I can't tell you how many times, I just kept fucking him, and he fucked me. Everything you do to me, he did to me. Everything I do to you, I did to him. And I liked it Lochie. I fucking liked it. You know I told you none of those other men could make me come? Well he did, every fucking time.'  
'Oh God. You fucking bitch!' He just stood there as if in shock. 'How could you do it to me? I loved you so much Maya. I told you I didn't want to know. You fucking whore. I loved you so very much. All my life I have only loved you. I always thought I couldn't live without you. I don't know what to do...' I was being so cruel because I wanted him to lose control, I wanted him to hate me, to love me. I thought it might be working. It was true, I had loved every second I had made love to Tiffin but I so wish I hadn't done it. I loved Tiffin in a special way but it didn't compare at all to how I loved Lochie. There was no love like this. I had to make him understand the passion I had for him was still there. I hated to see him so upset, I just wanted to take him into my arms and love him, but he wouldn't let me do that, not yet. So I continued.  
'Yes call me a whore if you like. But I love you Lochie, more than anything in this world. You know everything now. That's all there is. It's over with him. No matter what I did with him it doesn't compare to what I have with you. I have loved you since I was 16. No, before that. What is ever going to compare with that? You are the love of my life Lochie. It's finished with him. It's all in the past.'  
'No Maya, don't you see, what we had is in the past. What you have with him is the present. Whether you have finished it with him or not doesn't matter to me. I can't control that. But this I can. We are finished. How can I ever forget you had sex with him? I can't do it, Maya. I can't d it.'  
'I won't accept that Lochie. I don't believe you. It's not finished. You can forget it Lochie, I will help you to forget it. I love you too much. I know you love me Lochie, I know it.' He just shrugged. He bloody just shrugged his shoulders. So I upped it again. 'All right then, do what you want. Throw me aside if you like. But you cannot take my children from me. You understand that - you can't take them from me. I will take them and I will go to him. I don't want him but he wants me. I will go to him and I will fuck him again and I will bear him children too. Do you want me to do that?' I kept goading him. I wanted him to lash out and hit me, because I thought I deserved it. If it would help him I wanted him to hit me. 'That's what I will do if you won't forgive me. I know you love me Lochie. I know you do. Haven't I forgiven you enough? Isn't it just your turn? Forgive me Lochie. I love you. You know what you have done to me before. Please Lochie, please, I'm begging you.' He turned away from me, but pushed me down. Not roughly, but he pushed me down. He still paced in front of me.  
'This is different. This is about incest.'  
'Isn't everything we have ever done about incest? You have cheated on me before, but that was okay wasn't it because that was just you with one of your plans because we couldn't be together because what we did was incestuous. But even if you really believed we had to be apart you could have found another way to do it. I really believe you wanted to fuck her Lochie. To see what it was like with someone else.'  
'No.'  
'Really?'  
'Maybe later...'  
'I was barely 20 years old Lochie, I'd been absolutely devoted to you since I was 16. I did everything you asked of me. And you were such a coward you had to humiliate me in that club.'  
'I've said many many times I'm sorry for that,' he said, biting his lip again.  
'Yes you are sorry. I should forgive you because you are sorry? Then at the point of total humiliation you bent me over and fucked me next to a garbage dump.'  
'You said you wanted me...'  
'Yes I said it. Do you really think I wanted it? I wanted you. I wanted you to hold me, to say you loved me, to say you would never hurt me again, to say you would take me home. That you would look after me. But all I could get from you was a fuck in the dark in the street, with my make up running and the most expensive dress I'd ever bought, to look special for you, torn to shreds. No Lochie, I didn't want that. But if you had asked me that night did I love you, I would have said yes, yes, yes, I love you. And now you say I never did.'  
'I'm sorry Maya, I didn't know.'  
'Now it's my turn to not believe you. And you know what happened next don't you. Find someone else to love, you said'  
'I didn't tell you to fuck around. You did that.' I didn't listen to him. I'd heard that argument before.  
'Where do you live, fairyland? How do 20 something's find love? How was I meant to find any comfort from anywhere after you broke my heart? Hold hands at the cinema? Sit in the park? I needed sex Lochie. That need isn't just a male thing you know. I needed to feel wanted, beautiful, sensual, all those things you took from me when the man I loved, you, who promised to love me always told me I could not be with you because my love for you was dirty.' He was still pacing the room, but he stopped when I said that word.  
'I didn't say that...'  
'But it was obvious how you felt. I never said there was anything wrong with our love did I Lochie? I always always said it was good. And now I'm the one who never loved you. It's the other way round isn't it? Throw me aside Lochie, but face the truth. I love you, I always have. Absolutely always. And you know it.'  
'I'm sorry Maya. Maybe you are right maybe you did love me once.'  
'No Lochie, that's not enough. You don't want me to remind you about you breaking your promises to me, do you?'  
'No...'  
'You choosing to make love to me wherever and whenever you wanted all the time on our first trip here. You said we could act like we were married. You gave me a ring. And then you just threw it away. You knew you were going to stay on the other side of the world and split us up again. I didn't know that. How broken do you think I was then?' Still he wouldn't look at me.  
'Maya, I don't want to think about that. I know what I did was wrong, very wrong.'  
'So shall I not mention what you said to me when I told you I was pregnant?'  
'Don't say it, please.' Finally he sat down next to me with his hand resting on his forehead, rubbing it.  
'Because you know how frightened I was.'  
'I can guess.'  
'But you will never know.'  
'And after I lost the baby and you came back to me, did I ever for one minute make you feel bad about yourself?'  
'No Maya.'  
'Why do you think that was?'  
'Because you loved me then.'  
'Yes I loved you, didn't I? You know I did. What about that time - I wouldn't talk about it, I never have, but you have called me a whore tonight and I'm not that am I?'  
'No.'  
'So I don't want to upset you but I just want to be clear, when you felt it was your fault that our dad took Freya and we endured a whole day of absolute dread and fear, did I ever suggest it was your fault?'  
'No.'  
'What did I do then?'  
'You loved me Maya,' he murmured. Still no eye contact.  
'So you accept you have done things to me not just one evening, one night, one morning but lots of times?'  
'Yes.'  
'And I forgave you?'  
'You didn't even make it seem like I needed forgiveness.'  
'Okay Lochie. You can see where I am going with this can't you? I fucked your brother and it's hurt your pride. I fucked my brother and you think that's wrong. And I enjoyed it. That's going to hurt I know. Can you really, thinking about it, picturing it, can you forgive me any one of those things?'  
'I don't know. I don't want to think about it.' Long long ago, at the very start of our relationship Lochie had fought for us against our mother. He wasn't a confrontational person at all, especially so then. Yet he had dug so deep within himself to put up a fight so that our mother was driven away. He stopped her just with the force of his personality because he thought what we had, what he hoped we had together was so good. So I thought if he fought like that in the beginning, when we didn't really know how emotionally, physically wonderful our love was going to be, if we had only a hint of what was to come, shouldn't I now, at what seemed like it could be the end, shouldn't I fight for it? Everything we had, me, Lochie our children our happiness depended on me convincing Lochie that whatever I had done, it was worth saving. Was I going to put up a fight? Yes I bloody fucking was.  
'But you must. If we want to move on you must. Do you want to try? I say I love you, and you believe it now don't you?'  
'Yes, I do.' Finally, eye contact. Just briefly, but it was there.  
'You say you love me, and I believe it.'  
'Okay.'  
'You gave me a bangle and you said you would love me always. And what ever you did to me, and how ever you hurt me, I believed that you still loved me. So please Lochie if these 16 years have meant anything to you at all, if we are to have any chance at all please try. Please tell me which one you want to talk about first.'  
'Okay.That you enjoyed it, that you kept fucking him through the night. That you didn't stop to think about me.'  
'Yes, I liked it Lochie, it was good sex. That's why I kept doing it. I had the opportunity so I did it through the night. But it wasn't great sex because it wasn't with you. It wasn't the best sex I have ever had if you want to know because I have that with you. Because I love you.' Again he turned to me, almost shyly.  
'But you love him too?' he asked. I knew I had to get this right.  
'Not in the same way at all. I didn't want to have sex with him at first. I had been flirting with him, I know that now, that was wrong. I liked the attention from him. I accept it's a flaw but I didn't like moving here. I don't ike the place, the people are okay but they aren't my sort of people and all I had was him. When he wasn't with me I missed him. You know how we really are used to a house full of people? Even when we lived in our flat I used to spend a lot of time with Kit, Willa and Tiff. I was lonely, so when he came back I made a fuss of him. I lead him on, Lochie. But really all the time I was missing you. I guess I don't do that well either. Like when you were at university, I don't like it.'  
'I don't like being apart from you Maya, that's not wrong.'  
'But moving here made me feel I had a life mapped out that wasn't mine. My self esteem dropped and I probably hid it from you because low self esteem isn't very sexy is it?'  
'I know I should have treated you better. Work is my only excuse and even though I had my reasons, it's not a good one. Tiff saw it though didn't he? He made you feel better.'  
'Yes Lochie, when he taught me all the decorating skills, he gave me a chance, he said I was good. And I believe I was.'  
'Yes, you worked well.'  
'And with the job, he said I could do it and he was right.'  
'Yes I know.'  
'And just lots of other things always, so I did love him, more than I should have done.'  
'I understand.'  
'And I don't know if this makes it better or worse, but it's the truth so I will tell you. Because he looks like you, I think I did like to think you were with me in a way. Because I missed you.'  
'I don't know, maybe that makes it better.'  
'So I guess I enjoyed it because I enjoy sex, you know I do. And I'm not going to deny he is good at it, because he is. And out of all the men I have been with, I guess he will always be second to you. Because all the other men were nothing.'  
'Okay. I can live with that.' I saw the very first glimmer of hope. If he could live with that did he mean he could live with me? So I tried to push things. I knew we could only succeed if we were completely honest with each other. So I asked 'What about you?'  
'What do you mean?' Lochie replied. I really don't think he understood, so I explained.  
'If we are talking about enjoying sex with other people how would you rank us?'  
'Well you are first, you know that. How could that be any different?'  
'Because Kyla is second?'  
'Yes. But it was so long ago...it doesn't even matter.' I think he was being a bit blasé, as if what he did to me over a longer period of time somehow didn't seem so bad to him as what I had done to him for one day.  
'Maybe you will be able to say that about Tiff in 10 years then..' I suggested.  
'Yes maybe...'  
'So what about the others?'  
'Others?'  
'Lochie I know you have had other women.' Perhaps I could use this information I had kept all these years now. God, I was going to try.  
'You do?'  
'Yes.'  
'Who told you, Kit?'  
'No Tiff. A long time ago. It had nothing to do with what happened now. When he found out about us and I said you were so good to me, that's why I loved you he said you weren't a saint. That while I was broken hearted in England you were fucking around in Australia.'  
'How...'  
'How did he know you were fucking around? You told Kit?'  
'Yes.'  
'Well Kit told Tiffin I guess.'  
'Well I only told him because he was angry with me breaking up with you again. So I told him I was really trying to move on.'  
'That's not what you told me was it? When I was leaving Australia you said you didn't need anyone if you didn't have me. That I should be with Tyrese and you would be alone?'  
'Yes.'  
'Well I didn't think you would be celibate forever, I know that's not what you meant, but I thought you were at least going to grieve for us, to make a point that the break up you enforced meant something to you. Not fuck around from I don't know, the day I got on the plane back home?'  
'It wasn't quite like that. Our relationship did mean something. They didn't.'  
'They didn't? How many was it? Tiff said 10 in 10 weeks. Is that right?'  
'Well I don't think it was 10. But it wasn't 10 weeks. I had stopped easily after we had been apart for a month I guess. I knew I wanted you back, but I didn't know how.'  
'More than 10 or fewer?'  
'Fewer definitely. 7 I think. Mostly just one night that's all.'  
'Okay just one night. That's okay then.'  
'We were separated.'  
'Your choice, not mine. And you just said you felt being apart was a mistake quickly - maybe you could have waited just a bit? So you had sex lots of times, I'm guessing you might have enjoyed it seeing as you chose to do it, and then you wanted me.'  
'It didn't mean anything. You should have told me you knew.'  
'Yes maybe. But I don't know it all do I? I told you as soon as we got back together that none of those men could excite me, could use my body like you do, could make me respond like you do. Just so you knew everything.'  
'Yes I know why you told me that.'  
'But I know what you are like. I bet you tried to give all those women as much pleasure as you could. I bet you didn't stop with your own orgasm.'  
'I don't want to talk about that. How can I remember?'  
'Of course you remember. Am I the only woman you have made come or not?'  
'What does it matter?'  
'Because I told you everything, so it doesn't have to eat away at you. I've told you everything so you we can move on. You know I don't really care. But I know you would have done that at least most of the time didn't you?'  
'Yes I probably tried to.'  
'That's fine. You've told me, and it's fine.'  
'I think you are just saying that Maya. But anyway why didn't you tell me you knew?'  
'Tiffin had just found out about us, there were bigger things going on. And I knew it was over, and I trusted you, and you were sad about Tiff so I never brought it up. I dealt with it. Besides Lochie I'm just thinking why is it better to have cheated - on each other - by having sex that didn't mean anything? Isn't it better to have sex that did mean something? You or I could have sex that doesn't mean anything any day of the week. But sex that means something is harder to find, less likely therefore to happen again.'  
'I don't think I'm ready to think about it like that now.'  
'Okay Lochie, I'm sorry. But about those women you had sex with, I bet you couldn't pinpoint any time maybe apart from the past few months when I treated you any differently?'  
'No.'  
'And I didn't call you any names over it when I found out although you were, I guess, quite promiscuous?'  
'Yes I know, I'm sorry I said those words to you.'  
'It's okay. I don't think there are many words we use for men apart from stud maybe. Society doesn't make moral judgements on male promiscuous behaviour. But you are my husband and you called me a whore and a slut more than once.'  
'I'm sorry. I've said I'm sorry. But you have hurt me.'  
'I know but I don't want you to label me. I don't want you to believe that those words describe who I am, as if I would do it again, because I won't. I did it one day with one person. One special person. And I told you about it. I didn't have to tell you, I could have brought him home and pretended it never happened or even continued it, but that's not what this was. I didn't want to live a lie. It's over. I am penitent, I want redemption. You know these words don't you, from church?'  
'Yes.'  
'Then help me find them. Label me with them.'  
'I want to but there's the other things, he's my brother.'  
'Neither of us wanted to hurt you. If you think Tiffin has hated you all these years like he said when he was 16, I will tell you straight away, he doesn't. He loves you, and he tried to stop it happening. Many times when I flirted with him he could have taken advantage of the situation, but he didn't. It was my fault in the end I think, not his, Lochie. You know we really did wrong him. It was the worst age, the worst possible time and place to tell him about us.'  
'Yes I know I talked to Kit. He came here, to warn me really.'  
'He guessed?'  
'Tiff had told him some things, and Kit didn't like how I was handling it, because I wasn't handling it at all.'  
'Well I didn't help did I? I should have told you what was happening. He is vulnerable still Lochie, so please don't hurt him.'  
'I have no intention of hurting either one of you.'  
'But you said you don't want me any more...'  
'I said it. Do you really think I meant it? You are right I have to talk about it. I don't want to hurt you.'  
'So I will tell you why I had sex with my brother?' I took a deep breath. This wasn't going to be easy. Lochie nodded but I could tell by the way he held himself, this was perhaps the most uncomfortable point for him. But I continued. 'You know from the very first day I never thought of you as my brother, and Tiffin I do. I did it because he needed me to do it. We had made him accept something that he thought was wrong, we told him it was right. We had made him lie to his friends as soon as we got here that we were not siblings at all. And if he made a mistake, he knew the family would be ruined. So I think he could only convince himself it was right if he felt like that too.'  
'I understand, I think.' I could see Lochie was really trying to work with this, to see my point of view. I loved him for it.  
'He forced himself to love me in the way you do. All he wanted to be when he was like you wasn't it? He wasn't independent like Kit...'  
'I know. He never caused us any problems did he, till we told him...' Lochie actually took my hand in his. I don't think he was aware he had done so, but in a moment, perhaps realising what he had done, he let it go.  
'Yes, we are both to blame for that,' I agreed. 'So when he went away he was only 18, he had no support at all. So he started drinking. That caused a vicious circle and he went from hating himself to wanting to prove to himself it was okay. It didn't help I think that he only has casual relationships with women. That's our fault too you know. Ever since he felt his girlfriend Grace was going to work out we were siblings the burden just got bigger and bigger. I don't think he has been with anyone for more than a month. He's very promiscuous when he's away from us but he's better with us. He attracts all the attention but he's not interested. We should have seen something was wrong, but I didn't know he had been feeling like that for years..I'm sorry Lochie, I did everything wrong.'  
'We both made mistakes with him. But why did having sex with you help?'  
'I think it was, and I'm not trying to be crass, but I think it had just been growing, it was an itch he had to scratch. But for me, why did I do it? It was an act of love. Physical love wasn't the main thing... But it was part of it for me. I'm sorry Lochie. I know you will find that the worst thing, because he is my brother.' Lochie just shrugged. I think he was exhausted. 'But also it was love, a really pure love exactly because he is my brother, and I am responsible for him. You know if we say we would die for our children, we know we would, because we love them. And you know we have used sex between ourselves to comfort, to heal each other. So I wanted to do anything I could for him, and he needed to use my body. And even if I had thought I wouldn't get any pleasure out of it myself I would have done it. I do believe I can use my body how I like, if it doesn't hurt anyone, so that's what I wanted to do. But someone did get hurt, you. And if I could detach myself from everything, even though I do think I have helped him, I wouldn't do it again. I did enjoy it Lochie. But I regret it so very much. Because you are the most important person in my life. Not me, not Tiffin, not even our children. They exist because I love you. And it doesn't mean I think incest is the norm I don't. I love you always. I loved him like that just once Lochie. We created this situation and I ended it. There's no forbidden fruit anymore. He's done it, it's over. He can move on. And I think he will. I talked to him about taboos, and I don't think it was anything to do with that. He just wanted to know what this love you and I share was really like. It was sort of a mythical Golden Fleece. But in the end I think he realised that everything is not about sex at all. He just needs to find someone he can truly love. But it isn't me. I think the thing he regretted the most at the end was not living with us as a family anymore. He is going to miss the kids but he knows there had to be a price. That's his. I take responsibility for flirting with him, and for having sex with him. I take the blame. Sometimes he seems so young, I know you have said that too.'  
'Yes.'  
'Well I think we sort of stunted his emotional development so that something I may do with Kit, a playful squeeze a kiss on the cheek, he took as a sign he could go further, so he did, and then I did and that's where we ended up. I could have stopped it, if I had told you when I felt I had kissed him in the wrong way or he had kept his hand on me too long, but I didn't. I liked the attention. I was weak. But I think because he went away when he was really still a boy and we didn't see him for years..' Lochie nodded. 'Well I think when he started paying attention to me I didn't think of him as my brother so much anymore. I certainly didn't think of him as the boy we brought up. Perhaps it is easier to have sex with him because I have sex with you. But it doesn't mean I think incest is right. I think love is right, mutual love.'  
'Yes, so do I. But it seems to me worse than being unfaithful ...''  
'I think it's worse because we both know you love us. I can't excuse it. I can try to explain it that's all. If you don't want me to keep saying I'm sorry I won't. But I know you didn't deserve this.' He let me take his hand and I held it gently. 'I know you love us and work hard for us. I don't know how I can prove I would never do anything like this again. But Tiffin, I think now he knows sex with me is just sex. If he cares about any woman more, if he spends more time with them, the sex he has with them will mean more too. He has just enjoyed sex as a physical thing - a lot. But he hasn't enjoyed it as an emotional thing at all before I don't think. You know like say you or I are tired, and the other one wants sex?'  
'Yes..I guess that happens.'  
'Well if you are tired but you still make love to me because I ask you too, I really like it because though we may stay in one position and it might be over quickly and I might not come it's really good. I know you are doing it for me. It's just a loving thing to do.'  
'I will remember that next time. I might save some energy.'  
'Next time? Will there be a next time?'  
'I think so, don't you?' This time, at last he held my gaze.  
'I hope so,' I replied quietly.  
'You know, I thought I would sleep with the children tonight and just go away with them to think about things for the weekend. But I don't want to do that. I don't want to leave you and you I think don't want to leave me?'  
'No.'  
'So if we are going to stay together we are going to have sex together at some point, so can we share our bed tonight?'  
'Yes I'd like that.'  
'I don't know what will happen, probably nothing. The first time after him is going to be difficult for me. But I'd like you next to me.'  
'Yes Lochie, anything you want to do will be right.' It was too early to say for sure, but I thought I may have saved us.

'Can I speak now? he asked, softly.  
'Yes. I think it's your turn now.' I agreed.  
'I think I'd still like to go away with the kids this weekend, just to think, is that okay?'  
'Yes, of course.'  
'But I will be back Sunday and when I'm back I might want to talk some more, or I may not. Can you bear with me on that?'  
'Yes.'  
'Are you in touch with him, Tiffin?' He said his name.  
'Yes I know where he is.'  
'Then you can tell him I know. I will talk to him on the phone if he wants, but I won't see him, now it's my turn. Do you understand?'  
'Yes.'  
'Okay I will say it. If you want forgiveness I forgive you everything. But I think we both know I have done things, maybe longer ago, but you have forgiven me that's clear. It hasn't changed how I feel about you. You have done so much for me. Everything I have written to say to you in our vows is still true. So I hope yours are too, if you still want to go ahead with those plans.' I think he was trying to speak quickly so that he remained precise, I could see it wasn't easy.  
'Yes, I didn't dream you would say that.'  
'I'm hurt, I can't deny it. My heart aches like it never has before. But I'm not going to make you feel bad about yourself. You are beautiful, good, kind, the woman I adore, the mother of my children. Even when I hardly have anytime at home you make the children think I'm wonderful. They never think I'm letting them down because I'm late, you always make them think I'm the best dad in the world.'  
'You are, Lochie.'  
'Only because you support me in that, in every choice I have made. I will love you for ever. If you let me I will share my life with you.'  
Thank you god, I said to myself.  
'I mean every word. I'm not going to punish you or or him. I'm not going to be unfaithful to you. I don't need any revenge or mind games. I won't belittle you. I wronged Tiffin as a boy, I see now he never got over it. Now it's his burden too, but maybe yes, what you did will help him get over it. I hope so. And even so it was he who saved our daughter, I know that. What would Ian have done if he hadn't been there? We will never know. Do you remember once you gave me a message from him to me, on the beach? Well now you can give him the same one. Tell him I love him. I don't want to see him. But I love him.'  
'How can you say that?' I was amazed.  
'Perhaps my visits to St Mary's have helped me with that, after all. I knew there was a reason why I went there that first time. Maybe it was for this. But also I made my own rules about love a long time ago. I loved you when society said I shouldn't. And I love and forgive him when society would think I wouldn't. My love for you makes me strong, not weak. Besides, he's more than a brother to me. If he could think of me as a father figure at all I would be proud of myself. I'm responsible for the man he has become. But this isn't a Greek tragedy, this is our lives. One day I may be able to help him get through this, but not now. I don't want him out of my life. That happened before because of me and I didn't like it. You can tell him, if you want he can see the children again. Not right now, but soon. They love him. All my life all I have wanted is to keep this family together, I'm not going to break it up. But I need time.' He paused.  
'Lochie..' I took his hand again and he drew mine closer to him.  
'Please, I have more to say.' I nodded. 'I owe you so much, he continued. I don't even know if this makes us even, it probably doesn't. I'm not going to work out a formula for forgiveness. I just know every single day with you has made my life worth living. I sometimes think back to that day when mum came bursting in on us and I think if she had won I really don't think then I could have kept on living without you. So this really is nothing Maya. I'm sorry I spoke harshly to you at first. I guess that's human nature. I'm not broken, if I was you have fixed me already by reminding me how much you have always loved me. I love you, that's who I am, who I always was, who I will always be. I cannot separate myself from the love I have for you. I won't ever try to do that again.  
'Lochie how can you be so...' I couldn't finish, I was so in awe of his dignity, his integrity..  
'So what?'  
'So loving.' I stated.  
'If that's what I am, that's the man you've made me into Maya.' His tone then changed slightly. I don't think it was because he thought he was giving too much away, I think it was just because he really needed me to know this. He said 'If you ever lie with Tiffin again - with anyone - I swear I couldn't deal with it. I would take our children with me. I wouldn't stop you from seeing them but I don't want them to live in a home like that. Do you understand? Is that fair?'  
'Yes I agree, that's fair. But I hope you really know I won't. It's not me. I only want you.'  
'Yes I believe you. After all we have been through I believe you.'  
'I don't deserve you, Lochie.'  
'That's just it though isn't it Maya? We do deserve each other. We always have. If I'd known that at the beginning I could have saved us both some pain. Maybe even this.'  
'This isn't your fault, Lochie'  
'Yes, yes, I know. I wish it hadn't happened but it has. Maybe I haven't been supporting you enough...but I have always been loving you Maya.'  
'I never doubted that.'  
I began to cry, and so did he. We just held each other till his tears stopped first. Then he took me by surprise, he tilted my chin up so I could look him in his eyes and he kissed me, and he held me so tenderly stroking my back, my tears stopped completely.

Sometime afterwards he said 'Will you come to bed with me now? ' and I did. I just lay in bed, we were not touching, he was turned away from me and I thought he may have gone to sleep. But after a while he turned over and said 'I'd like to make love to you, is that okay?'  
'Yes,' I told him and he helped me take of my satin slip so I was naked underneath him. I parted my legs for him, and with virtually no foreplay he pushed himself into me. It was one of those slow fucks I had just talked to him about. I swayed with him as he pulled out most of his length and pushed in again and again. It didn't take too long for him to come inside me. I didn't try to finish myself, or ask him to do it. Instead, when he moved off me, I didn't ask, I just found my position in his arms and he held me like that for most of the night. I thought he had been so very brave to make love to me then. I think even at that point, so soon, he wanted to show me that we could put it behind us. And I knew he did it, even though he didn't speak to me, I knew he did it because he loves me.


	42. Maya

Lochie says we deserve each other, but I know I am the fortunate one. I get the better deal. It wasn't just that Lochie forgave me it was that he never acted once like I needed forgiveness. He didn't behave as if he was insecure. He said he loved me and he did. I guess he did make some practical changes. I assumed after I got back from Cairns I would have to give up my job. With Tiff not on hand to cover Mondays it would be too difficult to find a minder all day for Aran and Freya till 8.30pm at such short notice. But the first thing Lochie said when he came back on Sunday was he was working from home for the first Monday and Wiila could come the next two. That gave me a month to sort out some childcare, could I do that? I said I could and of course it was easy, friends helped out, it wasn't a problem, and I completed the project well. It was so easy for me to work everything out. I realised I'd been wallowing in self pity before I went to Cairns. I'd been deliberately ignoring Lochie in favour of Tiffin. I'd actually been horrible to him even before I'd been unfaithful. It was, I remembered, Lochie who had encouraged me to do a degree in the first place. I'd been such a fool.

I didn't look for more work immediately. I made the most of being at home and I liked it more, I wasn't restless. I still had our ceremony on the beach at Fraser Island to plan for. When I had got home from Cairns, a few days later I had found the most gorgeous dress hanging in my wardrobe, just like the one I had drawn for Tiffin. It had capped lace sleeves like I wanted, and was demure enough to be enticing and showed enough skin to be sensual. It was the quality of the fabric that was most special. Beautiful lace, finest silk and very delicate tiny vines twisting up the bodice in a green thread that matched my bikini perfectly. I had put the sketch under the bed, Lochie must have found it. So I thanked Lochie for it.  
'I will love to wear the dress you gave me for our day,' I told him.  
'Are you sure? I'm glad you like it so much. It will mean a lot to me if that's what you want to do. You will look beautiful in it but I thought you wanted something more traditional? You can choose something yourself, if you like,' he replied.  
'It is traditional though, just prettier. Did you have second thoughts?' I wondered.  
'Me? No. I will wear that suit you said it was okay?'  
'Yes it's perfect,' I hadn't meant his suit though - 'You and I will just look right together.'  
'Oh I hadn't thought of that,' said Lochie. 'Do you think so? My sand suit next to pale grey?'  
I suddenly realised we were talking at cross purposes. He thought I meant another dress he bought me in Sydney. I realised the wedding dress was from Tiffin. Dear sweet Tiffin. I knew if we hadn't gone to Cairns together, if I hadn't danced with him in the club like that, made such a scene about him being with anyone else or if I had been able to be just a bit stronger, he was preparing to let me go. Maybe buying that dress was his way of coming to terms with the fact that I belonged with Lochie. I texted him to thank him for it. Lochie knows I am in touch with him - I have to know he's okay, Lochie isn't insecure about it - he asks me to tell him if he is all right. If Tiffin wasn't okay I know it would be Lochie who would go to him. Tiff's been fine though. He sticks to the deal we made. He is in work and he doesn't drink. Tiff said yes, he had gone to Hong Kong with the sketch I had drawn and got a dressmaker there to make it in a few days. I don't know how he knows all these things. I guess there was that part of his life when we didn't keep in touch and he travelled widely. Anyway he was glad I liked it but understood I couldn't wear it now, and I could do with it what I wanted. So one day when the children were out, I made a small fire in the garden and burnt it. I watched the beautiful lace crumple and turn gold then black, leaving practically nothing behind. I gave thanks for everything that had happened in my life, the people in it, but now everything was new.

That evening I told Lochie I had changed my mind about the dress again. There wasn't much time left. Could we go to Sydney at the weekend I asked? I wanted him to choose for me. We went together, leaving the kids with Willa in Sydney, where she still lives. We looked in all the shops - no matter what the price, Lochie said if I liked it I could have it but I said he could choose by himself. So he took me to the craft market in Glebe that we used to go to even on our very first trip to Sydney. He asked me if I would have time to make something myself. I said I'd have the time, but I didn't know if I would have the ability. I could make simple cotton dresses but I'd never tried anything ambitious. Lochie said I shouldn't doubt myself and he wanted to buy metres and metres of every lace, silk and shimmering fabric that I said I liked, just so that I would have choices when I got home. But I stopped him. I told him I didn't want him to keep spending money on me. If I could have anything at all in my life it wasn't the biggest house, the newest car or the most expensive dress. If Lochie could find a job when the travel one finished that was rewarding for him but meant he could be at home more reasonable hours, but would obviously pay less, that was all I wanted. He had earned enough to make us secure enough. Sending the children to private schools wouldn't keep them safe I told him. But having him at home more would keep them happy. I asked him if it was okay if I bought the fabrics myself, from my first pay check. I didn't know if that would have any negative connotations for him. He said that was a good idea, he wanted our ceremony to mark lots of new starts. It took a long time but eventually I narrowed the fabrics down to four. A white silk for a slip and lining, a shimmering blue- turquoise fabric for the main body, a very sheer gold just in case, and the most delicate soft white lace there was which would cover it all I thought. So when we got home I felt inspired because Lochie had faith in me and because it was so important. In the end I was very pleased with what I made. I kept it simple in shape so that it would be effective, with the beautiful fabrics doing most of the work. It was very different to the design I had drawn for Tiffin, which was what I wanted too. The suggestion of colour went well with Lochie's suit. My idea was that we were the sand and the sea merging into one, and it worked. I liked it, and I know Lochie did.

We had postponed our ceremony, for several reasons. My work for one, rather than Lochie's. He has changed the way he works. He is always home by 7 or just after, except Fridays when he works later. Every other Friday I arrange a sleep over for Aran and Freya. I have a friend, Elodie, who has a son Freya's age and a daughter the same age as Aran. I have been making more of an effort to make friends, and I have found out there are nice people here - people who are in fact a lot more interesting than me. We were at Elodie's house one Sunday - for a barbecue ( that still is the biggest form of entertainment here) and one of the fire pits got knocked over, burning the grass and causing quite a fire. Elodie's husband grabbed one of the kids and kept them out of the way, and I was next to him, while Elodie tackled the blaze. I asked him if he was going to lend her a hand and he said she could handle it - which she could. She had been a hostage in Syria when she worked for Medicines Sans Frontiers, after all, he said, so if she could handle that she could handle a barbecue fire. At first I thought he was being flippant, but it was true. Elodie had worked for that organisation all over the world in crisis zones until she had her children, and she was thinking of going back in a few years too. Another friend was preparing to climb her final peak in her 7 peak challenge and others were just nice decent people earning a living and looking after their families and I realised there was nothing wrong with that. 

So when it's Elodie's turn to have our kids, once a fortnight, I drive to Brisbane to Lochie's work. I get there about 8 and we go out to dinner and then we go on to one of the clubs - I like Cloudland best - one of the rooftop bars or one of the music venues. Then we stay overnight at a hotel and have really wonderful sex together, especially when we have both just had a little to drink - but not too much. It probably took Lochie two or three weeks after I got back from Cairns to make love to me like he used to. After the first night we didn't do anything for three or four days, then it was just him on top of me, fucking me slowly. Then a few days later he let me go on top and gradually we built up like that. But it's our sessions at the hotel that are the most fun as we know we won't be wakened at 6 am by one of the kids crawling into bed with us. We don't have to leave the hotel until 11am to get back for the kids at 12 so we can have sex all night if we want to, and we do. Lochie will always buy me something new to wear, and I have no problem with that. But the nicest part is we have started to film ourselves having sex together again. I put a time limit of 10 minutes on it as I like Lochie to be involved in what we are actually doing but he usually wants to film more. I think he's beginning to see himself as a bit of an auteur. We only use our phones so the angles are sometimes limited. A couple of times we have watched the clips back and they make us laugh because one of us has held the phone badly and you can't even tell what's going on, it looks like contortionists having sex. My favourites are the ones I film, close ups of Lochie entering me. Lochie wonders why I always like the same thing, but I tell him that's the point, it's never the same. He likes the films he makes of me following his instructions about what to do to his body, which I have to admit are fun to create. It just seems so easy now to make more time for each other.

Lochie told me everything Kit had told him, how he had been right about Tiffin and me. I guess he has always the most perceptive one - he worked out Lochie and I were an item within weeks when he was just a boy. So Lochie asked me, and asked me to ask Tiff, if it was okay if Lochie confirmed Kit's suspicions. He didn't want Kit to think the matter was unresolved and to be honest I think Lochie knew that all his life Kit was the one who had given him good advice and he didn't want Kit to doubt his own intuition. But to spare everyone any embarrassment he asked if it was okay if we just said there had been something that we had dealt with before anything became serious. Lochie, still thinking of his brother's best interest, said he really wouldn't mind if Tiffin felt he needed to tell the truth to Kit at any time. His pride would not be hurt. I hadn't seen Tiffin since Cairns, I just talked to him on the phone, but I could tell even so that every little message of support I passed on to him from Lochie really helped him move forward. He knew he was really loved by Lochie for whom he was, his brother. In fact I did suspect that there was more, as if Tiffin had rediscovered the kind of love and respect he used to have for him until he was 15 or 16, and I really hoped that they would meet again, so Lochie could know that too.

It was while we were discussing when to reschedule our day that I brought up another subject, one that we hadn't talked at all about since just before Cairns. I said I dearly wanted another child with him, if he still wanted one too. He said he did very much, although I had to be aware that having a baby would affect my career more than his, simply because of the physical process and because we both felt bonding with the baby through breast feeding was best. I accepted that. I did tell him that best of all I wanted to be pregnant when we said our vows to each other. I wanted his seed growing inside me, for if anything said growth or rebirth it was that. He liked that idea too, but he said that part of my surprise was that we were going to finally have a honeymoon for 10 days. He had to check dates with Willa as she would look after the kids and would I mind if he chose the destination? I didn't mind at all. So he said he wanted to avoid me having morning sickness, which probably meant I should not be more than two months pregnant. I knew I had always been very fertile so chances are we could time that well. I was so excited about everything. My whole life now was perfect, because Lochie was in it and he was so precious to me.


	43. Lochan

I knew I had been in denial as Kit has said. I didn't want there to be any suggestion that Tiffin and Maya had feelings for each other. I had come to terms with the fact that I loved my sister intensely, physically. I could explain that. But my brother and sister as well? That made us seem like an inbred cult from the movies or the mountains. So I ignored it. The irony is if I had confronted either of them I honestly believe it - sex - wouldn't have happened. So I felt guilty too. That old guilt that had crushed me and my relationship with Maya so many times before. But this time I thought, no, I won't let it destroy me, us. I thought I don't even need to know the details. If it happened , it happened. If it's over, it's over. I knew above all things I did not want to lose my family, and that included Maya. So when she came back home without Tiffin, I knew what had taken place. She wouldn't look me in the eye or say his name. I knew. I wanted to hold her, to say I understood, to tell her it was my fault too. But I couldn't. I just hoped she wouldn't say anything. Then we could get through that evening in silence together and act as though it never happened.

But she did talk and she made me listen and she made me talk. And I think for a moment I hated her. I hated her because I loved her so much and only she could cause me so much pain. But gradually she helped me see how what had happened fitted into the pattern of our lives, how I had misunderstood so many things. She reminded me how much she loved me. She tried to make things easier for me by saying she loved Tiffin because he reminded her of me, or that being unfaithful in this way, because she really did love him, was better than the multiple times I had had meaningless sexual encounters with women whose names I did not know or had long forgotten. At first I thought she was clutching at straws but eventually I could see that she was right on both counts. Tiffin did look like me, and he was almost the same age as I was when we exchanged our rings and pledged ourselves to each other for ever. It was at that point that I finally stopped playing games with her, breaking us up, reuniting then, breaking us up again. Things were so happy, really ever since that day until I, of all people, became swamped in the pursuit of material happiness at the expense of the true happiness I already had. I guess I was not used to having a lot of money. I wanted wanted to provide for my family but I had lost sight of how to do that. So yes, I could see why Tiffin appealed to her even without any effort on his part. And besides, at least I could confirm I was her type, though I couldn't exactly laugh about it. That she did it for love, yes that was better. That was still the Maya I knew. There are lots of different types of love, self sacrifice is one, and without wanting to seem like martyrs we both know about that. We both put our family before us before we were even adults. I can understand that they both may have thought it was better to consummate their relationship, to bring all that tension that must have been there to an end. At least, Maya has convinced me that was so on her part. Tiffin? Maybe he hoped for more. I'm also glad she told me that she enjoyed it. I would rather know the truth, if she had said anything else I wouldn't have believed it. A beautiful, sensual woman has sex with someone she loves? Yes, I think there's going to be a lot of enjoyment for both parties there. She told me she did everything to him, he to her. So as the weeks went on I just thought get over it. He did this, but I'm the one doing it now, and tomorrow and forever. I didn't stop loving her emotionally and for us the physical side is the demonstration of that, it's a validation of our relationship so I wasn't going to let go of it. In fact that was the least of my worries. I know how much pleasure I can give her, and how much she gives me, so I didn't even surprise myself that that wasn't something I wasn't insecure about at all.

My biggest worry was how it would affect the family. I didn't want to cast Tiffin out. He had tried to kill himself once and there was no way I was going to let him attempt that again. So straight away I wanted Maya to tell him I loved him. I attached no blame to him, I felt I had failed Maya, he had not. I couldn't see him, that is male pride I guess, but Maya could contact him anyway she liked. If she had wanted to see him, she could. I hope I made that clear. But she chose not to. I softened the situation with Kit, and I know for a few weeks he took him in, which I was pleased about. I didn't want him to disappear. I don't think Maya would have handled that well at all. The fact that he didn't showed me that he was facing up to things, not running away. To be honest, I was proud.

We postponed our vows for many reasons. I didn't want to say them to each other just because we had a date in the diary. I knew I wanted to say my words to Maya, but I didn't want to rush Her. I didn't want what she said to be an apology, I needed love. The other reason I delayed things, but I didn't tell Maya, was Tiffin. I didn't want to look back at such an important event and think that he was not there. And I thought it would be good for him to see how strong Maya and I were. But it wasn't easy. I could not bring myself to phone him or text him even. However I knew if I was going to have him at out ceremony, I was going to have to meet him first, and I couldn't keep pushing the date back. Finally I texted him 'I want to meet with you.' That's all. He replied 'Yes Brisbane?" Perhaps he thought we could have a formal meeting in my office. But I said 'No - yours.' I knew he was back in Cairns. He had left to work with Kit in Melbourne during the time Maya was finishing her work there. I don't know whose idea that was. But she had finished two weeks ago and he was back. I took a day off work. I didn't tell Maya what I was doing. I booked my flight.

He was living in a one bed apartment, single storey units. The exterior was faded. The door was open when I arrived, though it was not particularly warm that day. I think Tiffin wasn't sure how to handle that initial 'hello' so we dispensed with it. Inside the walls were blank, the room Spartan. Tiffin kept the place clean and tidy, he was good at that, besides he had very few possessions. My first thought was I didn't like to see him living like that. It was so different to the busy households I had always run. I could see why he liked coming home. I was sorry that he had spent so long away over the years.

He offered me water but then sat down in a chair, waiting for me to speak. I sat opposite him. My opening line was going to be difficult. I had thought out a whole conversation but I knew it wouldn't go that way. So I began:  
'How are you Tiff?'  
'I'm good.'  
'Yes, Maya tells me you are well, and you are not drinking? '  
'No of course not.'  
'Good, Maya's pleased about that.'  
'Okay.' I could tell he was not wanting to reveal more information than he should.  
'Look Tiffin. Maya's given me what I think is a pretty full account about what happened between you over the last year or so. Especially, of course in Cairns.'  
'Okay.' I have to admit I found his composure slightly frustrating.  
'Look you fucked my wife. You fucked your sister. There are obvious problems for me with both those things. I'm not looking for your side of the story, is that alright? But I want to know do you have problems with either of those things?'  
'I'm sorry you are involved. But I'm glad about having Maya. And I wouldn't change it. I can't pretend I would. There's nothing else I can say.' Well, that was honest, if a little blunt. It was fortunate that I didn't want details. I wasn't going to get them out of Tiffin. I suppose I should not have been surprised. He was probably expecting me to be building up to some kind of verbal and/or physical assault. And if I did, he would probably let me attack him on both counts. But I wasn't going to do either of those things, so I thought I should let him know.

I took a deep breath and told him I didn't blame him. He said it was his fault: he had persistently tried to get close to Maya. Maya had explained to me that the fault was hers - she had encouraged him. So I suppose all that suggested was there was probably desire and persistence in equal measure on both sides. They themselves knew how much they wanted the other. That was not my point. My point was it was my fault. Going back to the very beginning, it was me. I didn't use the word Kit chose to describe Tiffin - as a victim. I knew that he would not accept or like that label. But I told him ultimate responsibility was mine. He had grown up since the age of three without a father. From pretty much 8 years old he had had no mother present. I had tried to fill the gap of the parental role that was missing. He hadn't seen any positive adult relationships. He was probably just about aware of the time when mum was at home living a carefree life with one, then another man, that resulted in his own neglect. Though he was surrounded by a positive adult relationship, Maya's and mine, we had to hide it from him, so he didn't really have any example of what a serious adult relationship looked like. 

So that's what I had come to say. I had failed him, not the other way round. But Tiffin said 'No.' He said he couldn't let me take responsibility for his actions, and his conversation became more effusive. We had been over and over his reaction to my relationship to Maya before. He felt if anything his problem had been that he had thought about it too much, probably every day throughout his last years at school. Only leaving home had helped. He conceded that if it had not been for us those sexual thoughts he had for his sister may never have entered his head. But he said Maya was like a mother, sister, friend and now he hesitated over the words - now she was his lover too. And he paused and looked at me and said words which Maya had told me would not be true anymore he said 'Lochie, I still love her. I suppose she told you that she loved me? At that moment she loved me?'  
I nodded, and I know I looked down . But Tiffin added: ' She kept telling me she loved you, and in a deeper way, forever.' I was glad he was honest about himself, I understood for a time at least Maya really did love and need him. But what Tiffin said about Maya's love for me, I believed him.  
'At the end of the day Tiffin, I can't tell you who to love. You will say that I'm a hypocrite if I say I can love my sister intimately and you cannot. However the circumstances are wildly different. And you have to understand Maya is with me. We have been together 16 years. One night with you has not diminished my feelings, my love for her is strong, that's what happens when you are in a real relationship Tiffin. Everyday you say to yourself 'I love this woman more than anything in the world,' and it's true. Yet everyday I love her more. At least that's how it is for me.'  
'I'm glad she has you Lochie. And by the way I know we will never be together again. It's just all the ways I love her are still confused. I thought, she thought what we did would help me but it hasn't. All it's done is made me.....celibate' He laughed. 'I haven't had sex with anyone since and it's been two months.'  
'Tiffin, that's not a bad thing. I'm glad you aren't rushing in to anything. You don't have to answer any of these questions but is two months a long time for you not to have sex then?'  
'Yes, pretty much. I have never done that when I have lived away from you and Maya before.'  
'And is it right you have never had any long term relationships?'  
'Well there was Grace.'  
'You were 17 then Tiff.'  
'There was one woman I cared about, quite a lot. There was a teacher I met near Perth. We lived together for a few months.'  
'That's good, you see you can do it. This party lifestyle might seem fun now but it probably has gone on too long. You aren't making emotional connections. Do you even know how many different women you have had? I hope you stay safe Tiff. I hope you thought about that with Maya.'  
'I wouldn't have done anything to put her at risk Lochie. I am usually good about that, and when I haven't been, if I have been worried I've been tested. I don't know what you want me to say. We didn't use anything but she will be okay, I swear.'  
'Okay.' It was my turn to use few words. I hadn't asked Maya about anything like that. Perhaps I had been naive to think that they may have used condoms, but I wish they had.  
'I can't tell you how many different women there have been. I stopped counting when I was out of my teens. I'd say a hundred, but it must be more. I'm not proud of it. I don't do it for that. It just the way I live. I actually prefer it when I live with you.'  
'Well in that case having a break while you think things over is a big step for you. I don't think you can get over something like...like Maya easily. But it's a good thing, not a bad thing that you haven't had anyone since. Even if you don't know it you must be thinking of the emotions and consequences and that's good.' I don't know how I could be so detached. Well actually I did know. I didn't see Tiffin as the man who had seduced or had been seduced by my wife. I saw him as someone who needed my advice and guidance. The world would so easily judge me, so I would not easily judge him. He made a mistake, we both knew that. The kind of mistake you could not forgive in a friend, and most would not forgive in a brother. But he was so much more than that to me. I really wanted to tell him that although there was only 10 years between us, seeing him like this, being able to talk seriously with him, I really could only think of him as my eldest son who needed my help. But the time was not right. The Oedipal similarities were probably too noticeable then. Besides I felt it was something he had to discover for himself, I could not prescribe it for him.  
'Maybe you could make some changes to how you work? Work for Kit more?' I suggested.  
'Yes, I could do that.'  
'And maybe think about that one woman you said you lived with. What was different?'  
'I liked her.'  
'Well that's something...'  
'No, I mean she was nice, kind, good. Sorry, I should think of some better words to describe her.'  
'I think kindness and goodness are things we should all aspire to. Those are valuable words in any relationship. Do you want to tell me any more?'  
'Well I met her in a different way, I guess. Her name was Bonnie. I was working on a rural schools refurbishment project. She was one of two teachers there. We drove out from Perth to renovate various schools. I stayed there a while. The building had to be gutted, new pipe work. There were just two if us working on it, until Roger broke his ankle. Then it was just me, they never sent anyone else out. I think the budget had run out. It's probably the lowest paid job I've done. But it was my favourite.'  
'So what happened?'  
'Well I was just bunking with a family. There wasn't much of a town, well no official place to stay. After a bit she asked me to move in with her, and I did.'  
'So then what? Did the work finish and you leave?'  
'No not really. I moved onto another school some distance since away, but I'd drive back at weekends. I liked her a lot. I thought she liked me. There wasn't a lot to do there, so I would just sit outside playing on my guitar, go and swim at a watering hole. We just spent time together. I guess looking back it was a very simple life, idyllic really. But when the work was all completely done I knew I had to go.' I could see he looked wistful remembering all this.'So I asked her to come with me, I thought, she's a teacher, she can get a job anywhere. But she said she couldn't. She said she didn't want to.'  
'I'm sorry, that must have been very difficult for you.'  
'Yes it was. I thought you know she could come back with me, to Sydney. I didn't mean immediately, I knew she would have to give a term's notice or something. But she said she was on a special contract - she had been given a grant and extra pay for the rural job and was committed to 2 years. She had a year and a half to go. We had really awful rows about it.'  
'I'm sorry Tiff. Yes I've heard of those incentive schemes. But that was her reason then wasn't it? She wasn't rejecting you.'  
'Well it felt like it. I'd never put myself out there like that before. I remember thinking Maya wouldn't treat me like that. I thought Maya is the only one who really cares about me.'  
'And she does. She still does. But in a different way. What you wanted you could have had with this woman if you hadn't been, well perhaps too stubborn, maybe a little immature. How old were you?'  
'I think it was nearly 2 years ago. It was just before that Melbourne thing.'  
'Oh I'm sorry. Yes, you must have been suffering quite a lot. So do you think it may not have just been because of Maya that you did that?'  
'My feelings were mixed up. I was only thinking of Maya then. I'd shut Bonnie out. I thought if I couldn't have Maya I didn't want anyone and if I wanted Maya I was sick. Don't worry I won't do it again. I have passed that point, you and Maya helped me with that. I was so pleased when you came to get me from Melbourne. It was like when you would come to school and sort any problem out for me. I'm sorry Lochie. In all of this I haven't been thinking of you at all. I was jealous of you, your wife, your kids, your home. Everything. I wish I could change things, but I can't. What I did, I did for me. I know that was wrong.'  
'Its okay Tiff. You can't change the past. But we can work on the future. That's why I'm here. I want you to come back to us, one day. Maybe work for Kit for a bit longer, or stay here if you like for now. Give me and Maya some more time. But I hope that if you want to one day you can come back. And then we will set you up on your own. I will help you if you can help yourself.'  
'I didn't expect you to say anything like that today. I'd like that but I don't think I can see Maya yet.'  
'That's okay, in the future, not now. Why don't you see if you can connect with this teacher again first?'  
'I think she will have left that school by now. I don't have her number. I broke my phone, so that's ship has sailed.'  
'Couldn't you find her, through the school system?'  
'I did think of that once, but that info is all private isn't it? No that's gone now.'  
'Yes, perhaps you are right. But you know may be that was your first love after all. Think of it like that, as a good memory. Then you can hope you will find something like it again.'  
Tiff agreed. He then asked me about Freya and Aran. He obviously missed them and I was sorry for that, but coming to see him was all I could do, I couldn't offer him more than that, not now


	44. Maya The wedding

The day had finally arrived. Lochie and I were going to say our vows together. We had delayed things quite a lot, and completely changed the nature of the event. At first we were going to go to Fraser Island, just me and Lochie, our siblings and their partners - Willa had been seeing her girlfriend Lorna for two years and Kit had been with Jo for about 18 months. Neither of them had told their partners about our linked DNA. Lochie felt bad about that, the fact they were being asked to join in a celebration about which they were not fully informed. Kit said it shouldn't be a problem. He said if he stayed with Jo for longer, if he knew their relationship was going to last he might tell her, but not now. All she was doing was supporting our happiness, and there was nothing wrong with that. Kit felt we were the only ones who could determine why we were happy. She wasn't being asked to make a moral judgement, she was being asked only to accept what she saw between us, which Kit said was clearly mutual and rewarding love so what was wrong with that? 

So with Kit's words of encouragement in his mind, Lochie asked me if we could perhaps invite other friends, and just have a beach party from afternoon to sunset, just along from our home where there is a quiet cove. I liked the idea. More people would create a friendly party atmosphere, and I didn't really want to be the centre of attention, I just wanted at some point in the evening to take Lochie to one side and say my words to him and hear his words to me. So I organised everything. I wrote to the council to ask to use the beach, as they grant permission out of high season for occasions such as this. We were allowed music and food and drink, with just some reasonable restrictions for timings, capacity and recycling. I sent out invitations and we had 80 or so confirmations, most of the people being old friends coming from Sydney for the day, plus local friends and neighbours. I knew several people were bringing their guitars and some of my friends from Sydney were part of a theatre group who were going to be doing flame throwing, juggling, mime and that kind of thing. Rather eclectic, but Lochie and I wanted that kind of vibrancy. 

Amidst all the excitement of the preparations, there was something that saddened me, the fact that Tiffin wouldn't be there. I knew that wouldn't be right. I phoned him once a week, but over these past months- nearly 4 - our conversations had been fairly brief. I learnt more about what he was doing from Kit who was keeping in closer contact with him. But I hadn't seen Tiffin since Cairns and neither had Lochie, he hadn't even phoned him as far as I know. I just couldn't bring myself to see him. I just didn't know how to go back to what we used to have, when we used to just enjoy being together, before every glance and touch became loaded with sexual tension. Though everything I told Lochie was true, I didn't want Tiffin in that way anymore, I was just worried that my body might betray me. Only time could erase that physical desire and I just wasn't sure it had been long enough. I wouldn't act on anything, but that would just confirm I couldn't be with my brother anymore, and I guess I just didn't want to know that. That would be another failure. It was just so complicated for me, I realised how hard it had been for Tiff to handle such feelings, for years. 

I was also upset that Freya and Aran didn't ask about their uncle anymore, I suppose that was my fault for not talking to them about him either. I had told Tiffin we both would have a price to pay before we made love to each other, and this separation from the family was his. I thought my price would be rejection by Lochie, but that never happened. I think we are stronger than ever, not as a result of my infidelity, but because we talk to each other more now, make time for each other and don't take the other for granted. Tiffin is special to me, he always was. But I only want him as a brother now, and if I can as a friend. I thought it might help Tiffin to see Lochie and me as a happy couple proud to be affirming, publicly, our love for one another. But I knew it would be difficult for everyone to meet again, and I could not ask that of Lochie, and at the moment I could not even ask it of myself.

The other thing I wanted was to be pregnant on the day. We ended up with only two months to try to achieve that. That turned out to be a good thing for us to do too. We had already made sure we had time throughout the week to give each other quality lovemaking but trying for a baby made Lochie especially seek to increase the quantity of sex we had. I think he likes to put a lot of effort into making babies because for a long time we thought that was something we could never have. Lochie saw I had bought an ovulation kit to check when the most likely time for me to get pregnant would be. Lochie said that was just a waste of money, he just wanted to have sex every day so why did it matter? So though I had loved every moment of making love to Lochie since I had been back from Cairns - I think at first I'd even been grateful for it - now that we were trying for a baby we could just have a laugh about it too. This took some pressure off Lochie as I think sometimes he was trying to top every performance because I had told him - because he wanted the truth - how much sex I had had with his brother, and how much I had enjoyed it. 

Lochie clearly had been reading up on how I could get pregnant quickly. One tip he told me after he had come inside me one night was that I should stay lying on my back and pedal in the air as if I was riding a bike. I said I would if he would - but we didn't. I did tell him it was okay if we missed a day, but Lochie said he had no plans to do that. So sometimes he would just make love to me quickly in the morning before he went to work, but every evening even if he had done so he said that didn't really count so would make love to me again, taking his time. He'd also read that it helps to conceive if the woman has an orgasm. I didn't bother telling him that that was rubbish, I just let him get to work on me. Finally I had to take back some control. He was so determined not to waste a drop he wouldn't come in my mouth - I had to ask him to do it, not the other way round. I knew he appreciated the gesture. It's probably what he wanted me to do anyway.

We had certainly been dedicated. But after a month I took a test and it was negative. Two weeks later, the same thing. I know it hadn't been long but I really had wanted to be pregnant when I walked along the sand with Lochie. So in the last two weeks I didn't take a test at all because I would rather think I could be pregnant than know I wasn't. I told Lochie the night before that I was disappointed. I was just watering some flowers downstairs. I had kept changing my mind about which ones to have in our home, I looked at some distinctive Australian cut flowers such as kangaroo paw and eucalyptus leaves as I thought it might me fitting to acknowledge the fact that we had been really been able to live the life we wanted when we settled here. But I found the hues and shapes a little harsh. It was Lochie who found a picture of beautiful antique roses in all hues. They were just so romantic especially when all the colours were mixed together I knew I had to have them. I ordered twelve bouquets of twenty stems which was very special but not too extravagant for such an occasion. I ordered them to be delivered two days before our event as the next day we would be going away, and I wanted to appreciate them. The florist assured me they would then actually be in their prime for the Saturday. So on Thursday afternoon I was expecting the delivery - but I thought there had been a mistake. There were 40 bouquets of roses in different quantities - they must have filled up the whole truck. Luckily glass vases were provided and Willa was there to help. I had roses everywhere, in the living room up the stairs, in the kitchen, and all around the balcony. Our bedroom was filled too. I wasn't annoyed that Lochie had spent so much money. How could I be? I felt like a perfectly pampered princess. The look of them, their scent was absolutely overwhelming. 

It was on that last evening, the Friday, that I was going round topping up the water in every vase that I mentioned to Lochie that I hadn't taken any more pregnancy tests because I didn't want to be disappointed. Lochie just took the jug of water from my hand and said 'Maya you have done everything here, come to bed.' So I let him lead me upstairs and he very slowly took off each item of my clothing caressing me and kissing me as if I was his muse. Then he lay me on the bed in front of him and circled his hands over my stomach and then kissed me there many many times so tenderly. 'It's okay Maya,' he said. 'I can tell our baby is already growing inside you. We don't even have to have sex tonight. I'm so sure. But if you want to, we can...' Of course I did. My body was so aroused it didn't take long for me to come at all, and it was so intense I could feel my heart pounding long after the contractions ceased. It was so wonderful, the sight and scent of the roses in our room adding to the sensuality and beauty of our bodies moving together. It probably was the greatest, most satisfying, most loving sexual experience I have ever had. Afterwards I made sure Lochie knew how I felt, and he said the same. And I really felt different, as if I could be pregnant after all.

When I awoke Lochie was already up. He was downstairs wearing just some shorts, sorting out breakfast for the kids who were at that moment going up and down the stairs smelling all the roses. Luckily no damage had taken place to roses or children. Lochie looked totally calm and at ease, a marked contrast to how I felt.  
'Lochie, I called from the balcony 'Can't you get Willa to take care of the kids? We have got so much to do.' Luckily Willa had come down to help since Thursday, and was staying with the children while Lochie went on holiday afterwards. Where she was then, I do not know.  
'It's alright Maya,' he said. 'We have got plenty of time, everything is done. What do you have to do now except brush your hair and put a dress on?' he teased. 'Come down here I want to talk to you about something.''  
'Lochie, how can you say I'm just going to put on a dress? Do you know how long I am going to spend doing my hair and make up today?'  
'I can imagine...but please come down.'  
He sat the kids at the table to eat their breakfast. If he hadn't got me so many roses I think I would have made him wait, but I came down and curled up to him on the sofa. I felt calmer just being in his arms. He stroked my hair and kissed me.  
'I just wanted to ask you something. It was a last minute decision so I am sorry I didn't ask you before.'  
'What is it?' I asked intrigued, it must be something to do with our honeymoon I thought.  
'Well I have been on the phone to Tiffin, and I've asked him to join us today.'  
'You have?'  
'Yes. Is that okay with you? I know you haven't seen him these past few months, though you know I shouldn't have minded if you did. So do you mind? Would you be uncomfortable?'  
'No. I'd like that. There's no reason why I haven't seen him yet. You know I don't have those feelings for him anymore, don't you?' I asked.  
'Yes of course.'  
'It's just it's hard to make that first meeting take place. I wasn't sure if he was 100% ready either...' I did feel nervous but if Lochie wanted it, I felt it was the right thing to do. I was so pleased it had been his idea, but I did have reservations, not just for me. So I asked Lochie, 'But what about you? Don't you think it will be harder for you to meet him for the first time today?'  
'It's okay Maya,' he replied. 'I've met with him a few times already. We are good, he's good. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I didn't want to speak about it. We have just been working things through.'  
'I'm glad you were able to do that Lochie, but I'm not surprised.' He smiled at me and held me tighter.  
'I wasn't sure how I would feel about him attending until today, but now I know I really want him here. He's going to catch the next plane, if you say it's okay.'  
'Then tell him yes, I will look forward to seeing him. Thank you Lochie, thank you.' I had missed him so much, I realised this was my chance to prove to myself I was ready to be just normal around him.  
'It's alright, Maya. Everything will be fine now. Maybe we could talk later about him living nearer to us again?' I nodded, there was no limit to my husband's generosity of spirit. 'I thought you might like to know today that everything can be normal again, if you are both ready for that.'  
'Yes, I'm ready Lochie,' I said - I had to find out for myself after all. 'Are you sure about all of this?' I was worried that he may be moving things along too soon for himself as well.  
'I'm sure I love you and I'm sure you love me. What else is there to know? I just want to keep an eye on Tiffin for a few months but he has some plans of his own, if he wants to move on I will support him, emotionally, financially, anything he needs. I want him to know our door is always open for him.'  
'Lochie, that is the best present of all, to know you haven't changed how you love him. I think if he can spend more time with you he really will be all right.' I was happy because I really felt I just wanted the same for Tiffin as Lochie did now, I loved him as my brother and I just wanted him to be happy, safe and well. I was a little nervous about seeing him but that's all... I'm sure of it. I was full of love and pride for my husband.

We still had a few hours to get ready. We weren't doing that 'the groom mustn't see the bride' thing completely so I sat in my slip doing my makeup in the bedroom while Lochie got dressed. It was true it was going to take me hours but Lochie had a shower, shaved and got dressed in about 20 minutes. He ran his fingers through his damp hair to ruffle it up a bit and asked 'Do I look alright?' Stupid question, he looked absolutely gorgeous. I think maybe he knew it too. 

Willa had set the kids up with a movie and was helping me with my hair. She was going to do a plait that swept all around my head from left to right until it finished over one shoulder. We had practised it when she arrived on Thursday. But after all that effort I told her, 'I don't think I like it after all, sorry Willa, it's just not me.' Willa was very agreeable and helped me undo it all and I decided I would just have it in loose waves. I got out my straighteners that I use for curling and Willa went downstairs to check on the kids. Lochie was sitting on the bed talking to me. I thought of that evening in Cairns when Tiffin had been watching me, how he had so carefully curled my hair and what that had lead to in the next few days. When I had returned home and Lochie and I resumed our sexual relationship properly I sensed that he was making sure we tried every sexual position we had ever done before so that he could assure himself that he had made love to me again in every way that Tiffin had done. But actually I realised the whole episode of curling my hair was in fact very significant, it had been almost erotic. I really wanted Lochie to do it for me too. So I asked him to come over to me and told him what I wanted him to do. At first he drew back, laughing that I really didn't want him styling my hair on such a day, but I took his hand and said I wanted him to try. So he did. He was different to Tiffin who had been all brooding sexual charisma like Heathcliff, if Heathcliff had ever had the chance to get his hands on some GHDs. He had curled each lock in silence standing so close to me. Lochie was more of an artist, precise in his work, and he talked to me the whole time about every step he was taking and that combined with the feeling of him running his hands intermittently through my hair got me aroused quite as much as when Tiffin had done the same thing to me, if not more. The finished look was good too. I just had to add a little uplift to the roots here and there and I was pleased that Lochie had helped me. He thought he had done everything Tiffin had done for me, but that was only true now.

Kit arrived at our house with his girlfriend and they went with Lochie to the beach, taking Aran and Freya with them, to make sure everything was being set up properly. Willa stayed with me a little longer, then we went to the beach as well. It was about 11.30, and there were already about 30 people there, mostly our local friends with children who wouldn't be staying the whole night. First I found Lochie who made his way to me as soon as I caught his eye. It was the first time he had seen me in my dress that I had made. It was just right I felt for the occasion, it had a bodice that accentuated my breasts, tight enough to cling to my hips but styled so that I could enjoy myself on the beach all day like everyone else. Lochie was seemed satisfied with the result. He nodded his approval and picked me up and kissed me. When he put me down he adjusted my bodice so my breasts were more prominent, he never minds if other men look at me, he is proud of how I look, and I did think I looked good that day.

Lochie suggested we mingle. I was already looking out for Tiffin, though I doubted he would be here yet. I had a knot in my stomach and I wasn't sure if it was because of the event itself, or waiting for him. So I kept chatting with everyone as the beach got more and more busy. Sometimes Lochie was by my side, sometimes he wasn't. Willa, Kit and Elodie were taking turns to look after Freya and Aran, and the theatre troupe who were dressed as a sort of alternative medieval travelling band put on a show for the children after lunch. Tiffin still had not arrived. By 4 pm some of our local friends had gone home, to return later for the evening events and some more friends had arrived for the afternoon - evening session. Elodie had taken our children back to her house for a couple of hours. Soon, a DJ was coming and the actors were going to put on an acrobatic show later too, they had really gone to a lot of trouble with their costumes so it was a bit like a Mardi Gras as they wondered amongst us. 

I managed to stay with Lochie for sometime after 4. I was holding on to his arm chatting to some of his colleagues from work, when my eyes wandered round the beach and then I saw him. Tiffin had just entered the beach from the path that runs down from our house. The path that we had walked down together everyday when we picked up Freya from nursery, invariably swinging one of the children between us, laughing as we made our way to the beach for a play or a picnic. But this time he was alone. He walked slowly and I was transfixed by him even as I drew closer to my husband. He was wearing jeans and a white shirt, sleeves rolled up. He had his guitar across his back. There wasn't a more attractive man on the beach, except one. He was maybe 100 metres away from me, crowds of people walked in between us but I could see no one else but him. An involuntary rush of excitement passed through my body. I suppose that was why I hadn't wanted to see him all these months. I was linking arms with Lochie and he paused his conversation only briefly and followed my gaze. He put his free hand on mine and kissed me on my cheek gently. I stayed with Lochie all the time that he chatted to his colleagues, not listening to the conversation. I watched Tiffin sit down next to Kit, first in a tense position arms locking round his knees, but gradually when Willa came to join them he relaxed, almost lying down propped up on his elbows. I knew what I would have done less than 6 months ago. I would have gone to lie down next to him and he would have turned on his side and run his hand over my back and through my hair. And I would have giggled and lowered my eyelids, pretending it didn't mean more than that. But now he didn't even look in my direction.

The sun began to set. Lochie managed to extricate himself from some friends and took us on a walk down the beach. The acrobats were dancing with ribbons and lights. I saw Willa coming down the path with Freya and Aran, towards Tiffin. But it looked like he got up quickly to avoid them, and moved away, taking his guitar with him. He went to join a circle of my friends. I think Lochie deliberately stopped to talk to some people so that we were just nearby. I heard Tiffin begin to gently start strumming a tune. Handsome man. Beach. Guitar. God my brother was so beautiful. I already knew how satisfying it was to fuck him. Oh God. This is the closest I was going to get to anything like a wedding and I was holding on to the man whom I loved more than anyone else in the world. But still I felt as if I could very easily make a fool of myself if Tiffin even just raised his eyes to meet mine. Oh fuck. I just didn't know what I was feeling. Then he began to sing. People began to walk over to the group and they started to join in with him. The song he was singing was The Scientist by Coldplay. I felt my legs weaken, and I think Lochie had to help me to keep standing as I stumbled.

'Oh God, Lochie' I said.'Please Lochie, he shouldn't have come.' I turned my face into Lochie's chest and he held me close to him as I tried, and failed to blink away my tears. 'Please take me home. I was wrong Lochie. It is too hard. I can't see him. I want him to be my brother Lochie, that's all I want. But he can't be my brother now can he? I have ruined everything. Why did he have to sing that song?'  
'I think it's a lovely song, Maya,' said Lochie. He wouldn't let me avert my eyes from him, gently touching the side of my face so that I turned to him and he looked right into my soul. 'I think he's telling you he loves you and he's sorry.'  
'Oh God, how can you just stand there and say that?'  
'I asked him to come today exactly for this Maya. You can't put off meeting him. You love me, I know it. Our child is growing in you right now. I know he still loves you, and I think you love him. Only you two can define what that love is. I think you should go and talk to him. I think you need to do this, for us.'  
'Lochie..' I implored.  
'It's okay Maya, go to him.'  
Just then Freya came running up to us.  
'Mummy, Daddy, there's a man breathing fire, come and see.'  
Lochie picked up his daughter. 'I'll come with you, let's find Aran. Mummy is going to talk with your uncle.' Holding Freya he kissed me on the lips, Freya leaned in for a kiss too.  
'Don't be long mummy. It's magic isn't it?'  
'Yes Freya,' I said. 'I believe it is.'

When Tiffin finished his song it looked like he refused all requests to play again. He put his guitar over his back and stood up. He managed to slip free of everyone and began to walk down the beach. He hadn't looked at me once. It was easy to catch up with him. He was just sauntering along, his hands in his pockets. Then he stopped to skim some stones. He was always good at that, 7,8,9 jumps was no problem for him. So I just walked briskly up to him. Then as I got nearer I thought what do I do? Shall I hold him onto his arm to get his attention, touch his shoulder to make him stop? But I didn't want to do any of those things, I knew what those simple touches had meant between us for so long. So I just stopped about 10 paces from him and I called out, 'Tiffin!'  
He stopped skimming stones and turned round.  
'Hello Maya, you look beautiful,' he said.  
I don't know if he extended his arms to me first or if I went towards him before he had even done that. But I was instantly caught up in his embrace. He kissed my hair as I bent into his chest. I waited for that rush of excitement to come through my body but it didn't happen. I just felt safe, secure.  
'I'm so happy for you and Lochie. I'm glad I didn't ruin things for you, come and sit with me. Let's talk.'

My brother lead me by the hand to sit down with him so we had a good view of the festivities on the beach. The sky was darkening, I could see flames being thrown, fluorescent sticks being held as people danced and could hear the soft beating of music.  
We talked and talked and talked. He may have been holding my hand sometimes, he may have touched my shoulder or I him. But it was nothing more than what it was. We laughed about things the children had said or done the last time we came to the beach. I talked about the honeymoon I was having tomorrow, and where I thought we might be going. We talked about my work, his work and I knew why he was such a good friend to me. We thought of things in the same way. The same words, phrases or quotes from films just made us laugh in a way, no one else including Lochie would ever understand. Even now as we chatted I could tell Tiffin was trying to slip quotes from some of our favourite movies such as The Lord of the Rings or Star Wars into our conversation, to remind me of one of the silly games we used to play on each other. I asked him why he had chosen that song.  
'I chose it for you Maya. Is that okay? Did you like it? I was too nervous to look at you whist I was singing it."  
'You didn't seem nervous Tiffin. It was lovely. It made me cry.'  
'I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen. There aren't really any songs about a brother and sister who love each other like we did. I wanted you to know I love you, but I want to go back to what we had before. Lochie has given me a second chance Maya.' I knew what he meant when he sang about going back to the start with me, he meant back to when we were brother and sister together, and I knew that's all that I wanted too because it was so wonderful to have a brother like him.  
'I will never forget that night we had together Maya. I loved every second of it. I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen. I'm not ashamed because I know you thought it was good too. I don't want to make you feel awkward but if I close my eyes I can still picture you naked in my arms. Do you think of me like that?'  
'Yes, Tiffin. You are beautiful. I told Lochie exactly what it meant to me and I'm not ashamed either. We loved each other like that just then, that's all. I'm glad I've known you like that. Those images are already fading though,' I said to him, though it wasn't true. Did he sense that? Did he know it was better to say that for all of us? I hadn't been able to see him these two months because I thought I would still want him, because in a way it was never over. And I could still want him, I knew that. I suspect he could still want me., that's what his song said to me. I hadn't ever lied to him before, but I had always told him another truth, I loved Lochie more. So I continued. 'But all the other things we shared, playing on the beach, you larking about with the kids when we went camping, that's as clear to me as if it happened this afternoon.'  
'Yes, I feel like that too.' Tiffin replied. I looked into his beautiful blue eyes. Thank you Tiffin, I thought. Thank you for releasing me, on my wedding day.  
'Is it okay then Tiff if we don't talk about it anymore? You are special to me for so many different reasons, we don't even need that now do we?' I knew I had to say it, to make it true.  
'Yes I think you are right. I won't keep looking back... You know Lochie has found me a job here, and a flat. Would it be okay if I came home?'  
'Of course. Is that what you think of this place, home?'  
'Well, it's not the place that makes it home is it?' He put his arm round me. It was absolutely fine. My brother was so strong now. I hoped in some way my demonstration of my love has helped him find that. 'I just want to have a few months of being a family with you all again, but I will give you space to be together this time. I know I monopolised you before. It was Lochie's idea for me to come back. I don't know how he can do that, but I know he means it.'  
'I told you when you were 16 what a special man he was didn't I?' But I instantly regretted referring to our conversations which had mixed up his emotions all those years ago. Tiffin seemed to know what I was thinking.  
'You know Maya, it wasn't just learning about you then that confused me. I think the prospect of coming to Australia to be with our dad had got me thinking about how we had grown up. I had no father since the age of four, no mother since the age of eight. And I really believe it was just because they didn't want us, I know I am right, look how dad treated us even with a second chance. Were we really awful children Maya?'  
'Of course you weren't. I think the problem was you were all such good sweet children. Kit went off the rails a bit when he was 12 or 13, but I can understand that, given what mum was doing them. But you were all wonderful children. To be honest I think that's why our parents left. They were both incredibly selfish people, you are right, Dad just treated you as toys. Mum's alcoholism didn't help. I think your goodness just highlighted their failings and they didn't want to be made aware of that every day. But when that happens I think it's easy to chose to be different. Look at Lochie, he really is the perfect husband, I see that again now. And he is a wonderful father - and not just to Freya and Aran, isn't he?'  
'I know what you are saying. And you're right. The thing I regret the most is that I hurt him, when throughout my life all he has ever been is good to me. I think in some perverse, subconscious way I wanted him to reject me like mum and dad had done. I think the reason I could never commit to anyone is I just didn't believe I deserved to be loved, because of them.' I could see tears welling up in his eyes. 'I'm so sorry, Maya.' He drew his knees into his chest, forming an almost foetal position. I took him into my arms and I heard his sobs grow louder then quieten as I held him. When his tears began to stop I wiped them away with my fingers.  
'Surely everything that has happened proves exactly how much you are loved? Kit has looked out for you before and afterwards hasn't he? And you know I loved you in every way I could, and Lochie, well I think we are both in awe of how much love he has to give us aren't we?'  
'Yes I know, he has helped me so much. He's made me consider how I want to live my life. I don't sleep around anymore, Maya. And he made me value that woman I told you about in Perth. I think I loved her Maya, and I think maybe she loved me.'  
'I Know who you mean Tiff. I'm so glad you already know what love is. You speak of it as if it's in the past. Are you sure it's over?'  
'Yes it was a long time ago, two years.'  
'Tiff, two years is nothing. Why don't you call her? Maybe she's worth the risk?'  
'I don't know Maya. I think she broke my heart. Besides I don't have her number anymore. Maybe one day I will go back to where she lived. She doesn't live there anymore but I think it will be good to return to somewhere else I was happy.'  
'That seems like a good idea, Tiff. I think we might all have something to look forward to then.'  
'Why? What's your news?'  
I took his hand and placed it over my womb. 'You are going to be an uncle again. Tiff.' He kissed my cheek and smiled.  
With that, Tiff stood up and pulled me up too. 'I think it's time you returned to your husband and your party don't you?'

I held onto Tiff's arm as we walked across the beach to where nearly everyone was watching the acrobats perform against the background of the sea. I picked out Lochie in the crowd. It looked like he was holding a tired Aran in his arms. Tiffin withdrew his arm from me. 'There you are, he's over there. You go to him.'  
'Aren't you coming? He will want to see you..'  
'I don't know, maybe not on this day..'  
But Lochie had seen us and called us over.  
'Maya, Tiff, you have been a long time. Did you have a good talk?'  
'Yes Lochie,' I replied. 'We did.'  
'Excellent. Come and watch the show, they are fabulous.'  
I took Lochie's hand and Tiffin went to find a space further back.  
But Lochie called out to him 'Tiff where are you going? Come and sit with me. Freya, make space for your uncle. Tiff, do you mind her sitting with you?'  
Freya jumped into her uncle's lap as if he had never been away, and he cuddled her in the same way.  
'Thank you Lochie,' said Tiff.  
'There's no need to thank me Tiff. We are all just pleased you are coming back, aren't we Maya?' He patted his brother on the back, and turned to me. I just kissed him. So he said: 'I think Aran will be asleep shortly, we will have to say our vows soon."  
'Well I'm ready when you are.' I said, resting my head on his shoulder.  
'Okay then Maya....If I go on too much just remember all I'm trying to say is I love you, always.' He kissed me and I smiled at the man I love so much, as he kissed our son who was falling asleep in his arms.  
'But Lochie,' I said softly 'when I was so overwhelmed about Tiff, about that song, how did you guess what we would say to each other, that it would be all right between us?'  
'I didn't have to guess,' he replied assuredly. 'I knew. I knew everything would be good.'  
'How did you know?'  
'Faith Maya. I had faith in both of you.'

We had both given each other presents in the days before the wedding from watches, written and real vouchers for all sorts of things from sexual favours to hotel and spa breaks, clothing, first edition books and art equipment. But after we had made love once more, so very gently and tenderly because it was so late and we were both so very tired, Lochie said to me 'I have a present for you that I designed myself.' He seemed a little nervous.  
'Lochie, really? You made me something?' That was the sort of thing I did, not him.  
'Well I used a special programme on the computer and had it made for you.'  
'That counts. I'm intrigued'  
'Lochie went to his cupboard and brought out a rectangular shaped present, roughly A3 size, wrapped in delicate tissue covered in flamingo and zebra print and matching silk ribbon.  
'Did you wrap it too, Lochie?'  
'Yes, as soon as I saw that paper I thought you would like it.'  
'It's beautiful Lochie, almost too beautiful to open, darling.'  
'Go on, Maya. I think you will like this,' I could see almost childish excitement in my husband's face. So I made him wait.  
'Well it feels like a frame. Have you drawn me a picture Lochie?'  
'No, Maya. I don't think you would want anything I could draw on the wall...'  
'A certificate? A pretend marriage certificate?'  
'No Maya, it's not that.' He looked disappointed. 'Is that what you would have liked?'  
'No darling. I'm married to you, you are married to me. We both know that here,' I said, touching my heart 'where it counts.' I kissed him.  
'Maya are you delaying things?''  
'Yes Lochie, because this is so special, but I will open it now.' I peeled open the parcel carefully and slowly. Lochie was looking intently at me.'  
I pulled out a grunge style intricate metal frame embossed with clock pieces and other metal parts. It was a work of art in itself, but the photos it contained made me gasp, smile and hold my husband in my arms. It was repeated images in chrome, sepia, black and white and transfer tones of my favourite photo, Lochie stealing a kiss from me on the boat to Manly, when we were so young. I was 20, Lochie just 21. What a lot of happiness and love it showed. It was absolutely beautiful, but it also made me feel so terribly sad.  
'Maya, don't cry, please don't cry,' begged Lochie. 'I thought you would like it, I got it wrong, I'm so sorry.'  
'No Lochie, you got it absolutely right. I love it, I love it, just as I have always loved that photo. But I didn't know you had it? Did you find mine?' That photo had meant so much to me for so many reasons. Lochie had taken it in the days when we had to destroy any photo that remotely suggested our love. Yet he had let me keep it. Though that picture captured perfectly our true, genuine and contented love for each other it was created a few days before Lochie left me - for the second time- sending me back to England while he stayed in another continent. It was also the only thing that sustained me when I discovered I was pregnant with , and subsequently lost, our child, when I was all alone. That was the reason why I had kept the picture to myself, it was so intensely perfect and personal. I had kept it on my phone until I changed handsets, but before I discarded it I had printed it out. I just made one copy, deliberately, because I wanted to treat it like a rare and precious stone. It stayed in my purse from year to year. I liked the fact that it was showing signs of aging, much like Lochie and me, though the people in the picture were eternally young, their love enduring.   
'I have always had that photo Maya. I sent it to my phone the moment I flicked through your photos. I know what it meant. We were lovers and in that self contained world of that photo we could admit it, even though I knew in the real world I had to deny you again. I know you have always carried that photo with you, but you never talked about it so I knew that time still caused you pain. You must have hated me for what I did, yet knowing that you carried that picture with you I thought I know you loved me always too.''  
'Lochie, I have never hated you. You know I never did. I have loved you all my life, not many people can say that about their husband can they?' Lochie smiled. 'I was only sad then that you wouldn't let me in. But when you let me keep that photo I knew it was a secret message to me that you knew our love was good. You just had to be proud of it. But when you came back to me, I knew you were. What did the photo mean to you, Lochie?'  
'That you would never be far from me. That I would always love you, no matter what I had to do. That you are not just the love of my life, you are my life.'  
'Oh Lochie..' He took me in his arms and his tongue swirled in my mouth.'  
'What made you make this now? It is very, very beautiful.'  
'Do you remember that night you came back from Cairns?''  
'Of course...' Lochie put his finger on my chin to stop me bowing my head.'  
'Don't do that Maya. You have no cause to do that. I have married you today knowing everything about you. That means I accept everything about you, anything you ever did, and you, me. You have no cause to be ashamed, not now, not ever. We are equals.'  
I just looked at him with total admiration and complete love. So he continued his story. 'That night I put the children to bed. And of course as you remember, without you even telling me I knew what had happened, I knew I might be going to lose you.'  
'Lochie..' He kissed me gently to stop my tears from forming.'  
'So I read Freya a story and after that I asked her to tell me her best and worst parts of the trip, just as I always do, about any day so she can learn to express her feelings. The best thing I think was Tiffin taking her and Aran out in a dingy and him diving out of it into the water as they came in to shore to catch a shark. You can imagine the sort of thing he might do and which he and the kids would find really funny, and I wouldn't at all..' he said with a smile.  
'Yes, I know, but they need him, precisely because he has always done things like that..' I knew both Lochie and I have been very protective, and probably quite strict in some ways because we have always been anxious that they are safe and that they are perfect children to contradict any criticism of their genetic heritage.   
But returning to the story Lochie said 'So I asked Freya what the worst thing was, and she said it was missing me. And though she is barely 5 she said that's what was the worst thing for mummy too. And that to make her happy you let her keep a picture of me and you that you kept in your purse, and though it made her happy it made you cry.'  
'Because I love you so much Lochie.'  
'I know darling, I have always felt it. So I said what I said that night by rote. I didn't mean any of it. I was hurting but I loved you and I curse myself for ever saying to you that night, however briefly that I did not. So that's why I wanted to make this picture. That boy in the photo knew our love was good. And I am proud of it.'  
'I'm glad you are Lochie Whitely, because this isn't going to be tucked away in a corner. It has been too long kept out of sight. It's going in the lounge, you know that don't you Lochie,'  
'I hoped you would say that.'  
I put the photo carefully to one side of the bed and climbed on top of my husband. Still we managed to make love one more time. It was lovely and very very good. I had such a gilded life.

I knew without a doubt that I would spend the rest of my life so happily with Lochie. He was so contented now, and so was I. He had such integrity, and I think really that is what I loved most about him. But our wedding, that really highlighted all his qualities. He clearly had forgiven his brother, and was helping him so much. If there is one thing Lochie likes it's redemption. I know he feels he had to redeem himself over the years, because when he was a young man he tried to separate us so often. But the pain I felt then healed a long time ago, because of his love for me, and because he supported me so we could have children together. That was so good for us. Then he showed me his complete understanding of me and selflessness - in his vows to me he included the word 'sister' in his words from the bible, more than once, because he knew how much that recognition would mean to me, even though no one, except our siblings would have noticed its significance. Then as one of the last songs for us to dance to in the evening, when there were very few people left on the beach, Lochie asked the DJ to play a song from the 60's as we both like to listen to that kind of thing on a Sunday morning. He had chosen Sam Cooke's 'Nothing Can Change This Love.' I held him close to me. He let me unbutton his shirt, and I rested my head on his bare chest as he held me. His body was silky and muscular and beautiful. I kissed him. And yes I cried. Because I knew that his love had never wavered for me. I had so very nearly broken his heart when I had left him, or at least put him aside, during my time in Cairns. But he had welcomed me back to him, and his love, his love for me had never ever changed. He was my husband, my lover, the father of my children and as he liked me to say to him, he really was my very best friend. I knew two things absolutely that day : I had never, would never love anyone else like this, and that the simple four letter word could never ever express what I really felt for him, how much he meant to me, how much he enriched my life and my very being. 

I also could not deny that our wedding was the perfect opportunity to appreciate his gorgeous looks and physicality again. I had remembered what Lochie had said to me that evening I returned from Cairns, that he had no time to himself anymore, that he just very rarely went for a run, he was so wrapped up in work and any time he had after that he spent with the children. So in the ensuing weeks I told him it was okay for him to return to any of the sports he used to like - I would not be so selfish and begrudge any time away from me. So he did take up some weight training - ironically that seemed to ease some of the pressures at work, helped him deal with things, so he was more efficient, had just as much time for us and his body once again took on the form he had when he used to row at university. Strong, taught, and lovely defined muscles on his arms, chest and abs. I was very lucky indeed I told myself, but I'd always known that. The other thing I was looking forward to was making love to him. Even when he had been overworked he never stopped loving me like that. I loved his eagerness for my body. I loved it that he continued to surprise me, tease me, want me. One night with him had never been the same, or mundane even after all these years. It was almost as if every time he entered my body it was like the first time. I think though Lochie didn't like to acknowledge it, he knew our love was that little bit special, because I was his sister and he was my brother. I know deep down he did feel that too. Besides, we really did love fucking each other so much. I told Lochie that night I felt so blessed to have him, and he smiled.


	45. Lochan  - London

I saw Tiffin quite a few times before the day of our celebration came around.After our first meeting, which was naturally awkward it got better. He came to Brisbane the next few times, meeting me in the office at first, but then we would go to one of the roof top bars. We were there early and I was usually home by 8.30 so Maya never enquired where I had been even though 8.30 used to be the norm, it isn't anymore. But as long as I give Maya advance notice, it isn't a problem. I actually began to look forward to seeing him. We didn't go over and over the same thing: it was just brothers catching up. I enjoyed his company. I remembered how it was when Tiffin had come back the day Ian had taken Freya and Tiffin first came to live with us after years of separation. I loved him then, and I loved him still. I noticed he didn't drink which was good but I also noticed he seemed totally oblivious if any woman was trying to flirt with him. I didn't believe it was because he still harboured feelings for Maya, but it was of course possible. I thought it was simply a case of not being able to move forward, and I didn't want that for him. I had expected that Maya would have made an attempt to meet him by now but she hadn't. I didn't want an invisible barrier to be built between them. I felt that if they didn't see each other there would always be an unspoken 'what if' between them and I didn't want that either. Living with guilt destroys things that are good, I know that myself, I just didn't think there was any need for it, for them. I trusted Maya absolutely, but I wasn't sure if she trusted herself. 

As for Tiffin, I did think we had conditioned him to some extent. It wasn't just coincidence that he loved his sister in a way that was similar to me. So in the end it did make a difference to me that Maya had sex with our brother, because I could forgive him. I couldn't help but worry that he could not move on. His suicide attempt had not been a cry for help, it was just a fluke, a twist of fate that he hadn't been killed by a train that day. And I wouldn't want that fate to befall a stranger, let alone my brother so although over the years since there had never been any suggestion of any kind of depression or darkness growing in him I didn't want the fact that he had slept his brother's wife, his sister, to be any kind of trigger for a relapse. I think to be honest that helped me get over it quickly. No one had been hurt except me, and if I was okay with it, then Tiffin should be too. Maya had told me that he was going to miss the children terribly. She didn't even talk about him to them, but I made sure I did and I know they missed him too. So I knew I just had to man up and get him back in our lives, if that's what Tiffin wanted as well.

Maybe it wasn't the best timing to invite him to our celebration on the day itself, but once that day approached I knew it couldn't pass without him being there. However I am only human, and it was while gathering my strength to invite him the images I had of them together became clearer. Tiffin had known this event was coming up - he'd even talked with Maya about what she was going to wear yet he had still had sex with her. Maya must have been already working out what she was going to say to me on this once in a lifetime occasion within days of giving Tiffin, knowing Maya, one of the best fucks of his life. So even though I loved Maya as my wife and Tiffin as my brother, it wasn't easy for me to ask Tiffin to attend until the last minute. I knew that once I made that decision, and Tiffin came to our ceremony I would have to be able to give Maya 100% of my support. I wanted this day to be perfect so that she would know the rest of our life would be perfect too. I knew she was committed to me, I did not doubt the sincerity of her words when she came back from Cairns. I knew I had taken her for granted just because I believed our consanguineous relationship was special - and therefore perhaps thought it did not require as much effort as any other relationship. I wouldn't make that mistake again.

When Tiffin arrived he stayed at the far end of the beach away from the main group. I wasn't surprised. But though it seemed Maya was transfixed by him she made no attempt to go over to him. Perhaps she thought I would not like it - when in fact the opposite was true. Fortunately, Tiffin had brought his guitar, he told me he would, but I did not know what he might sing, if anything. I directed our meandering along the beach from one group of friends to another so that we were well placed to hear him. Once be began to sing I could tell it was completely heartfelt and I admired him for being so brave. Maya turned to me, I could see she was genuinely upset, not because of Tiffin, but I think she felt she had failed me. But she hadn't. It was difficult because of course she loved her brother, so I encouraged her to go over to him. I took Freya and Aran with me to watch the entertainment, but I watched Maya and Tiffin too. I was glad that their hands touched, Tiffin put his arm round her, and I saw them laugh. I saw Maya looking so beautiful, take her brother who looked so vulnerable into her arms to comfort him. It was a natural thing to do, and if they were both at ease with each other to do that then I knew we could all move on. We were going to be okay.

There was just a glimmer of sun left as we said our vows, made our promises to each other. I don't think everyone heard what we saiid to each other, but they saw us and they watched us kiss, and that I think told them everything. It certainly told me all I needed to know. A lot of what I wanted to say to Maya was personal, but there was one thing I wanted everyone to hear. So I began to speak to the assembled audience. 'Some of you may know that Maya and I have very different views about religion. I go to church when I can, and I have been doing that for quite a few years now. I will be the first to admit I'm not the typical Christian, but I never like to label or define myself or others with one word anyway. It's helped me with a lot of things. Maya lets me take the kids if I want, but she has never set foot in the church herself. I hope one day I might persuade her. Getting married in a church isn't right for us. But I didn't want that to be replaced by something just sanctioned by the state either, it doesn't convey who we are either. Maya is a bit of an original so we are just doing this our way, and that's good enough for me. But I asked Maya if she would mind me reading some words from the Bible, and I think because I have filled the house with roses she is going to let me get away with it... But I didn't want to waste the only biblical words I will be allowed to say on something from Corinthians, I think we all know them too well. So I have chosen something from the Song of Solomon. Is that okay Maya?'  
She nodded, she knew nothing about what I had actually selected. I took her hands in mine, I'd learnt it by heart.  
'You are altogether beautiful, my love;  
there is no flaw in you.  
Come with me from Lebanon, my bride;  
come with me from Lebanon.  
Depart from the peak of Amana,  
from the peak of Senir and Hermon  
from the dens of lions,  
from the mountains of leopards.  
You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride;  
you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes,  
with one jewel of your necklace.  
How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride!  
How much better is your love than wine,  
and the fragrance of your oils than any spice!  
Your lips drip nectar, my bride;  
honey and milk are under your tongue.'  
Maya was smiling but tears were forming in her eyes. I had managed to tell everyone assembled that I was marrying my sister, without telling them that at all. I knew Maya would like that. I tend to deny we even have a sibling connection, but I know Maya likes the fact that we do. So she pulled me to her and whispered quietly, 'Thankyou Lochie, that was beautiful.''  
I held her to me and quietly said 'I'm your brother, and it's been so good.' Her tears fell then, we kissed each other and everyone clapped.'  
I had also persuaded Maya to let me give her a new ring. Before the day I had given her the first two parts: a diamond engagement ring and an anniversary band because in a way we had already had those things but because of who we were we never really marked them except between ourselves. On the day I slipped on the final band on to her finger which brought it all together. She still insisted on keeping the silver band on her ring finger that I had given her many years ago when I returned to her from Sydney. It was such a cheap little thing after all this time the engravings on the outside had started to wear away, though on the inside it said 'Lochie' clearly. I was actually pleased she wanted to keep wearing it. So that I could have something symbolic on the day she had commissioned a copy of my silver band with the same engravings on the outside and inside in gold. I really felt that we were telling everyone we were married to each other, as much as we could be in the eyes of the world, and completely in our own.

Afterwards we joined our siblings who were sitting on the sand. Tiffin had stood holding Aran in his arms the whole time. When we sat down he passed him to Maya. Freya had her head on Willa's lap but with Aran out of the way she saw her chance and crawled over to Tiff. She put her arms round his neck and went to sleep instantly. Tiff looked at me as if to say sorry that she had chosen him but I hope the look in my eyes and the smile I gave him emphasised there was no need. She loved her uncle, she had missed him these past months.  
'Tiff,' I said, 'if you want to stay the night with us, there's one bedroom free. Willa and Lorna have got your old one but you can take the spare, that's okay isn't it Maya?'  
Maya nodded.  
'Its okay, Lochie,' said Tiff 'I'll just head back to the airport and wait for my flight,'  
'When is it? There can't be another one till the morning now?'  
'Yes, I will be okay in the airport, it's not a problem.'  
'Have you even got a flight Tiff?'  
'Not yet but it's never a problem.'  
'When do you have to be back at work?'  
'I'm okay till Wednesday...'  
'Willa, is it okay if Tiff has the kids till then? He's been flat out at work for months, the kids have missed him.' Willa nodded.  
'Lochie..' I think Tiff wanted to protest.  
'Sorry Tiff is that alright with you?'  
'Yes but...'  
'Willa, you could show Lorna the area?'  
'Sure that will be nice. It's okay with me.' She turned to her girlfriend and Lorna seemed pleased.  
'Maya okay?' She linked her arm with mine and smiled.  
'Yes, the kids would like that,' she said.  
'There you are, it's sorted. You've even got some of your things here haven't you?  
'I guess so.'  
'You sure it's okay, you don't have to, Tiff.' I didn't want to push him into something he didn't want to do.  
'No, no, I want to, it's just I never thought...' he began.  
'Yeah I know you've been busy.' I interrupted. I didn't want him to say too much in front of Kit and Willa. But I turned to Kit, who knew a bit, but not all, of what happened. I just acknowledged him to let him know I was handling things this time.  
'I'll give you that number about the job, you can ring them on Monday. See when you can start?'  
'Yeah sure.'  
'Okay then. Well I'm going to put this one to bed.' I said. I stood up with Aran in my arms. Maya took Freya from her brother and helped her walk sleepily across the sand. Tiffin said he would come and sit for us in twenty minutes so we could rejoin the party but Maya said he could leave it 45 minutes as she wanted to get changed too.  
It took about 5 minutes to put the children to bed. They were so tired we just slipped them out of their sandy clothes as best we could. So I said 'Okay Maya, you need 40 mins to get changed? I will see you on the beach then.'  
'Lochie,' Maya replied 'you take one step outside that door and you will regret it. Come on.' She lead me to our room and shut the door, bidding me to take off her clothes. She had told me she had thought of wearing her emerald bikini but that in the end she had chosen something else, something better. So standing behind her I unlaced her ties and pushed her bodice down to reveal her uncovered glorious breasts. I took each one in my hands and kissed her neck. Then I turned her around and pulled her dress down past her waist and over her hips and bottom so that she was standing beautifully naked, soft and smooth before me. She stepped away from her dress and I lifted her onto the bed. She turned over onto all fours and I just unzipped my trousers ready to enter her. I ran my fingers over her body and pulled at her beautiful hair as I thrusted into her, helping her body to find different angles to stimulate her too. I came quickly but Maya said we best get back to our party as soon as we could so rather than making her come too I just stayed with her while she got dressed. Walking round the room naked she went over to one of her drawers and got out a package wrapped in tissue paper. Out fell a bundle of very fine rose gold chains.  
'What do you think of this?' she asked.  
'Well, I'm intrigued,' I replied, which was an understatement. I wasn't sure what it was, but it was interesting to say the least.  
So she slipped it on. 'I bought it from Agent Provocateur for you. It is the most expensive thing they sell, but I thought, why not? We are only going to do this once aren't we Lochie?' I agreed with her, though at that moment watching her curves slip into a body suit made of a cascade of delicate chains I would have agreed to anything. Each one was like a very fine necklace, that sparkled beautifully. They fitted around her body, and you could see about ninety nine per cent of her flesh. It was an Art Deco style - curved across her hips, around her breasts. I could get to every part of her body without removing it. It was absolutely wonderful.  
'How does that look?' she asked.  
I didn't answer the question directly, instead just saying 'Let me touch you...'  
But Maya stopped me. 'I don't think we have time,' she said.  
'We do... We do...' I begged. To be honest the whole concept of time was lost on me right then. I slipped one hand through to hold one of her perfect breasts as I kissed her. My other hand reached for her lovely round bottom, which I squeezed. Then I took that hand round to the front and I made her part her legs as she stood in front of me. My fingers had to negotiate a series of chains. I imagined them rubbing against her as she walked. But for now I just slipped my fingers into her so she gasped, one, two, three times. But she stopped me again.  
'No Lochie, you have to be patient. I will make it worth your while.'  
I think of myself as quite a patient man but waiting to have my wife wearing this erotic costume was going to be difficult. But I gave in to her and withdrew my hands from her body.  
I watched her as over the top she put on a golden dress, one of my favourite colours on her. I knew why she had chosen it: the fabric had texture to it so that anyone who put their arms round her as the said goodbye would not know as I did that she was covered in rows and rows of chains. She cleansed her face and just put on some mascara and lip gloss. She brushed her hair and quickly used her straighteners, transforming herself for the last part of the evening. Beautiful, as always.

She was just finished getting ready when Tiffin came in to stay with the kids and we went out to enjoy the company of friends until they said their goodbyes. Kit seemed to have already organised clearing everything up and we were eventually left alone on the beach. I did think of taking off Maya's dress and touching her body as the chains glistened in the moonlight but it was almost as if this day transcended everything even sex. We had been together nearly 17 years and we had really thought of ourselves as being married for most of that time. But after everything that had happened this year we decided we would count this day as the start of something new. Life was really so good, being a family together, having a partner whom I loved intensely. I was just looking forward to everyday I was going to have together with them. And yes, I did thank God for it. It seemed to me as though I really had been blessed with a beautiful wife, happy, healthy children and love from all of them that sustained me. That was more than most people ever had.

All I had told Maya about our honeymoon was to pack for spring, a wet spring, so I think that told her Europe. We hadn't travelled much. Rome once, Paris once. Macau. So maybe I could have come up with something more extravagant. I did want to do a road trip round some of America's National Parks one day, but probably when the children were older. But I think what I had planned was more memorable. I didn't let Maya look at her ticket, didn't tell her what gate we needed and was deliberately late getting to the gate when we changed planes in Hong Kong so she didn't know what call we were responding to. We were travelling on Norwegian Air so I think she thought that's where we were heading. I think she worked it out though towards the end as she must have heard some of the announcements about the journey, for we were preparing to land in Heathrow. Even if she hadn't, the grey rain clouds at the end of April as we disembarked would have been enough to tell her where we were. She wasn't disappointed though. She thought it was a lovely idea, I think she knew why I had chosen it. We had never been back to London together since we moved to Australia. I'd been back on a couple of business trips but that was all. I remembered how important it had been for Maya all those years ago that we could hold hands or kiss in public, but I'd always been over cautious and virtually always had said no. But I remembered how happy she had been any time I said yes. We were staying in a good hotel near South Kensington, so Maya could easily spend any free time we had in her favourite museum, the Victoria and Albert. We could walk up the hill to Kensington Palace and stroll through Hyde Park. And yes after 17 years we still wanted to hold hands and kiss each other as we walked along together. We went shopping in Regent Street and all the shops leading towards Covent Garden. Maya said the reason she decided to marry me after all was because I never get bored waiting for her as she chooses things to try on, and comes out to show me everything before she goes back in the changing room with another selection. It's true, I enjoy it. She values my opinion, looks beautiful in whatever she buys. But she said most men don't so that makes me a keeper. That's fine by me, though when I said I married her because of the children she brought for me she said I was just too serious.

I hadn't really planned anything for most of the days. I thought Maya would like to chose what to do. So she found a couple of immersive theatre shows she wanted to see. Some one act Tennessee Williams plays were being staged in a hotel, and there was a series of Grimm's Fairy Takes taking place in a warehouse by the OXO tower which was just the sort of grungy thing Maya likes. Some days we would talk to the kids at 8am - 6pm for them - and then just stay in bed all day. It was our honeymoon really, after all. On those days we would hardly eat anything, despite using up loads of energy - I made sure Maya brought her chain body suit. It was so delicate it could have been forged by elves, but we created our own magic when she wore it. So afterwards after making love all day and just intermittently falling asleep in each other's arms Maya would wake up and demand something to eat. I said we could order from room service, no problem, but she said that wouldn't do. A few blocks away was one of London's famous cup cake shops. I don't know how they manage to sell those things to adults. To me they look garish however much skill has gone into making them - and they taste even worse. But Maya thought they were adorable and bought a box of four every time we passed. She didn't eat them all, luckily, just had a bite or two out of each one but even so I wondered if not only was she pregnant already but I thought perhaps she might be further along, perhaps one of the tests was false. I had thought her breasts were a bit fuller, but that's never something I complain about. But a thought came to me, what if she was pregnant already? It was only four months since she had unprotected sex with Tiffin. She was always very neat when she was pregnant, but four months, I would definitely know that, absolutely, I would know. I love her pregnant body. At four months her stomach would be rounded and the baby would already be rippling inside her. But absentmindedly I began to circle her abdomen, and Maya noticed.  
'Are you still convinced I'm pregnant?' she asked  
'Yes, I was just trying to tell how far along you are.'  
'Well I am a bit late, but it's difficult to tell for a few months when I come off the pill.'  
'So when did you do that?'  
'You know when, about 10 weeks ago.'  
'Okay. So you were on the pill all the time before?'  
'Yes Lochie. All the time.' Then she added, 'so when I was with Tiffin I was on the pill. I've had a period since then anyway. If it was his I'd be four months along and as big as a bus. You aren't really thinking of that are you?'  
'No, not really, but I'm glad it's not possible.'  
'Yes Lochie, it's not possible. I wouldn't have done that to you. But even if it was Tiffin's though you wouldn't make me have an abortion would you?'  
'I wouldn't make you do anything, Maya. But you know what I think, I'd rather you had it, though I would probably want to bring it up as my own.'  
'Yes, I thought you would say that, but it doesn't matter anyway. But we haven't talked at all about disability this time. Are you still okay with that?'  
'Well I can't see how we can be so enthusiastic about making a baby and then abort it because it doesn't fit our idea of what you need to be to have a worthwhile life. I think we could make any baby happy, have the best life they could, as long as we were allowed to keep it, so yes I think the same as I always did. But you are the one carrying our child. The final decision would always be yours.'  
'I knew you would say that too, darling. I don't think I could have an abortion either.'  
'But Maya, I don't think we need to worry. I don't want to seem mystical or anything but I really think our babies will always be well. We have a good gene pool, I'm sure of it now. I don't want you to be upset or worry about anything, not now.'  
'I'm not going to worry that my husband would love any baby we have unconditionally am I? And I know you would, because that's how you love me.'  
'Yes I suppose I do. I don't know why.'  
'You might want to rephrase that, Lochie Whitely or I'm going to go to the cupcake bakery right now. And I will bring back a box of 12 and make you eat every one. Or, let's see, it's 4 o'clock, I can make it worth your while for an hour if you say something nice to me.'  
'I don't know if I can, Maya. I'll go with the cupcake option,' I told her, and I regretted it immediately, and for some time afterwards.

The children were bright and bubbly whenever they talked to us. Especially when Tiffin had them. I have to say I wasn't worried about the children at all even though we were on the other side of the world. He had the kids through till Tuesday when Willa came back from a trip with Lorna and then Lorna headed back to Sydney. Tiffin said he was coming back at the weekend and would take the kids camping with Willa if that was okay with us, which it was. Tiffin said he was able to start working on the seafront restoration anytime from the next two weeks, so if that was okay with us he would take the room I had found for him near us with a 6 month tenancy. But I had already talked to Maya. We told him we wanted him to save up some money so he could have a nicer place than the one room he rents when he isn't with us. So I told him, if he wanted, when Willa left he could knock a doorway through into the two spare rooms so he could have more space when he lived with us again. But ideally I wanted him to work all year, not just work enough so that he could get by the rest of the year on very little. To my surprise he said he had thought it was time to change himself, so likely this was the last time he could live with us as there is more work in the big cities. After this job he was going to have one trip to see friends in Perth then he was going to be what he called a responsible adult. I was proud but I also felt a twinge of sadness as any parent might, perhaps when the youngest leaves the nest.

We had a couple of days left in London and I asked Maya did she want to go and see the house at Bexham? She said she did. It had been less than 10 years since we had left but it seemed much longer. I think we both felt a bit sad going back, but we wanted to do it. We got off the W12 bus, it was a route I knew so well. We walked through the park which had been our secret place when we had been teenagers and I spoke with Maya about the trepidation we had both felt when we had both started to realise we had physical and emotional feelings for each other. I wish I could have gone back in time and said to that boy 'it will all be all right, it will be better than all right. Your life will be wonderful with Maya by your side.' Because that would have saved him so much pain and would have meant we could have just got on with life, living and loving every minute, like we do now. So many things seem so important when you are a teenager, dark times seem desperate. But when you are an adult you can look back and think it was just one part of the journey we had to take, and I was so glad we had made it together.

We slowed our pace as we approached our old house. We had been quiet for a while as we walked along and now I felt Maya try to draw her hand from me.  
'Maya, its okay,' I reassured her. No one is watching us behind their curtains. No one cares. I can hold your hand. I can kiss you.' So I held Maya's face in my hands and kissed her on the lips but then used my tongue too, until she pulled away laughing because she didn't expect me to do that there. As she moved back her hand touched our old gate and it clanged open and shut. It was the same wooden gate it had always been. The gate posts had been placed a centimetre or two too close, so you had to lift the gate up to get the latch to close. It always got on our nerves. Both Maya and I had spent hours trying to fix it. It was at that point a woman approached us holding some shopping. I apologised for blocking her way and told her that we used to live here, and that we had just got married and wanted to see our first home again, now that we lived in Australia. She asked when we lived here and we told her. She said she had heard about the family of children who had brought themselves up was that us? So I quickly said that was me, I was Lochie, the eldest but Maya didn't give her name. She said lots of the older neighbours said what good children we were, I must have done a good job. Did we want to come in? So we did. The downstairs was much the same, with an extension on the back. We didn't go upstairs, but the woman told me that the loft had been properly converted. I looked up the stairs and could see the doorway to Maya's room. So much had happened there. I could see Maya was looking thoughtful. Then I heard a banging on the front door. It was very aggressive. In that one moment I closed my eyes. I was that boy again. That nervous frightened boy. I wasn't the man with two children waiting for me at home. I wasn't the man who ran a magazine office, a man who supported his siblings, a man who was respected in the community a man who had a wife who loved him. None of that existed. It was like it was a dream. I was just a frightened boy with a stammer who had just committed an act which though I regarded it as love it was regarded as a crime by everyone else. I was standing there naked. My mother screamed at me. She called the police. I was so ashamed. I wanted to die. 

'Lochie!' Lochie!' Maya was calling to me, shaking me.  
'Maya, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' I repeated, still not aware of where, or who, I was.  
'Lochie it's okay, I'm here'  
Then I heard another voice.  
'Is your husband ok? He looks like he's seen a ghost.'  
Maya put her arms round me and I came back to life.  
'Yes he's fine. Some bad things happened here. Our mother - his mother - was an alcoholic. It wasn't awful, it was really mostly good things but I think there's one or two things he has tried to forget.'  
'That's fine love. That postman would wake the dead. I told him off for leaving parcels in the recycling bin and he is paying me back by knocking like that. Let me get you both a coffee.'  
The woman was very kind to us two strangers and I drank a few sips and felt better. We gave our thanks, made our apologies once more and left.  
Outside I apologised to Maya again, telling her what had flashed before my eyes in that instant. but she was kind to me.  
'Its all right Lochie, it just shows how far we have come. And I do think in the end mum was sorry. If she could see us now, if she met her grandchildren I think she would be pleased for us. She had an illness, I have forgiven her long ago. Don't be haunted by her Lochie. After everything that happened, we are still here, nothing else matters.'  
'I love you Maya' was all I said.

We had planned to go out to dinner at a Berners Tavern off Tottenham Court Road. I didn't know about the food but I knew Maya would like the decor when I was researching places to go. But I still didn't feel myself. So though it was only 4 o' clock we just went back to our hotel. Maya made me a cup of tea and I felt better, it was just like I was suffering from the after effects of a migraine, and I fell asleep. When I woke up Maya was in bed with me with just her underwear on. It was a nude half cup bra with red flower appliqué I had chosen for her yesterday. The thong matched. It didn't fit many flowers.  
'Are you feeling better now, my love?' she asked, as she ran her hands through my hair.  
'Yes, I am now.'  
'I've been watching you sleep. You look beautiful, Lochie. So I put this on for you. Do you like it?'  
I extended my hands to her breasts so they spilled over the cups of her bra. Delicious.  
I didn't need to say anything except 'Keep it on,' and I beckoned her to sit astride me, which she did, just slipping off her thong so I got a better view. Then she gave me one of those long slow fucks we both like so much. and then Maya told me exactly what she needed me to do to her too. I felt revived and afterwards we went to Berners Tavern in the evening so in fact I managed to eat out twice that night.

We had only one day left in London, and we spent that leisurely, walking along the Thames. I asked Maya if she felt it had been a good honeymoon and she said yes. I think for us not only did we have time to be physically close but it was emotionally rewarding too. And unlike most honeymoons I guess, I got to lay some ghosts to rest too.


	46. Chapter 46

Our ceremony ended perfectly. Lochie said some beautiful words to me on the beach and I hope he felt the same about mine. I meant every thing I said. I asked him if he had changed anything because of what I had done in Cairns and he said only a little, because he loved me more.

Tiffin was back in our lives but I had the feeling that it would not be forever, I sensed that he knew himself now that he would move on, but I think we all wanted to have happy memories of being a family together again. I know you shouldn't have favourites in a family but Tiffin had always been Lochie's even when Tiffin would not speak to him. Maybe it was because they were so similar. I think that's why Lochie tried so hard, and succeeded in putting Cairns behind him. He also encouraged me to spend time with my brother so that I could count Tiffin as my friend again. Even on our wedding day, as we decided to call our day on the beach, when we came back into the house it was Lochie who encouraged me to wake Tiffin as he slept on the sofa. At first I said no, let's just cover him with a blanket, but Lochie said it's okay, you can wake him, he's your brother. So I crouched down and ran the back of my hand over his cheek and whispered, 'Tiff, wake up.' His eyelids flickered and his blue eyes met mine. 'Go to bed Tiff,' I said. 'If you are going to be looking after our children tomorrow you are going to need a proper sleep.' He stumbled up, mumbled something incomprehensible, kissed me on the cheek and went upstairs to bed. It was just so completely ordinary.

Our honeymoon was however completely wonderful. I guessed we were going to London. I think Lochie wanted to keep that from me for as long as possible because he thought it wasn't exciting enough. But to be honest that's not what we needed. Lochie wanted to take me to all the places we used to go, the museums, the galleries but as a couple this time. In the past we knew too many people who would be doing the same sort of thing especially people on my art course. So we had bumped into people we knew in galleries and at the theatre which reminded us we had to be careful. But now, no one knew us, so it was special just to hold hands in the park. It was good as well to just be together. I don't mean sexually, though that was of course lovely. We make more time for that at home now anyway. It was nice just to walk and talk with him. One day we were in Hyde Park and we stopped at one of the outdoor cafés. Lochie just wanted a black coffee but I was more fussy so I said he could find a table while I got them. It was busy so when I turned to look for him I had to scour the tables to find him and when I did I was so pleased that he was mine. Every other person, even if they were sitting and talking to a companion, had their phone out, not paying attention to each other. Those on their own were buried in their phones too and I thought how easy it is to miss the present by planning for the next thing, or how important things are forgotten in favour of trivia. But Lochie was not like that. His phone always stayed in his pocket unless he needed it, which wasn't often. He sat pensively until I caught his eye, and then he pulled out a chair, took the coffee and thanked me. His eyes smiled at me as he drank and I thought how lucky I am, he is at least as handsome as he was when we were last here, all these years later. Then he began to talk to me about some of the things I wanted to do and he just made me feel as if I was important to him. 

I was glad too that he took us to Bexham. I had long felt that Lochie had missed the chance to make things up with our mother. She had her flaws, but she was our mother. So I thought maybe visiting the house was his chance to say goodbye. I think he may have been more emotional about the trip than he was letting on, because he seemed to have a panic attack like he used to as a teenager once we were indoors. I know some memories in that house were awful for him, some things I did there to him were horrible. He was so young to have taken on so much responsibility, younger than Willa is now. I know he was thinking of the things mum did or nearly did too. But I told him nothing matters, we are together now, we always will be. By the evening he was better, calmer, happier. I made sure he knew he was important to me.

Within the month of returning home I discovered I was pregnant and my first scan confirmed I had been pregnant when we got married on the beach like Lochie said, we were both so happy, I think then we knew we wanted a houseful of children together. I think we just didn't feel so frightened anymore about what could happen, so we didn't base so many decisions on being brother and sister. We were husband and wife now, and I liked it that way.  
Lochie supported me in every decision I made about my career. I managed to find some interior design work in Brisbane, to develop my CV and worked from home on small domestic design projects too.Everything just seemed to be falling into place. Lochie said if everything worked out with timings when his contract finished he would take time off. He would have his bonus - which looked like it would be good. All the hours he had put in meant the business was thriving and would be sold at a much better price than had been estimated when he took over and I was really pleased for him that he would have that time not just with the baby but with Aran and Freya too. He had told me when I had come back from Cairns that he would change how he prioritised his time so he could get back to being the man he wanted to be, the man I fell in love with, so this was further proof that he meant what he had said. But he has always been the man I love anyway, I forgot it once, but I never would again.

Tiffin was working hard and it was a good idea of Lochie's to let him have two rooms so he had more space. Tiff said he had monopolised my time when he was last with us, but actually I think it was the other way round. I missed having Lochie with me in the evenings when he worked late so I would get that simple physical contact from Tiffin. Leaning on him with his arm around me, siting on his lap with my arm round him. It hadn't been fair of me at all, given the conversations we had had in the past. So this time I gave Lochie and Tiffin space to be together. Tiff actually started to teach Lochie the guitar and he was a quick learner. I'd get Sunday dinner ready and encourage Tiff and Lochie to go to the beach with the kids, and they did. They both seemed happy to have each other so I thought that Tiffin was now perfectly well. It wasn't, after all, because I had given myself to him that day, but rather it was his brother who healed him, by showing him really what it is to be a man, a father, a husband. I knew Tiffin wanted to be all of those things and took on board all of Lochie's advice. 

After about three months Tiffin introduced us to his girlfriend who he had been seeing for two months. He had never used that word before except when he talked about the girl in Perth, though it seemed to me that she had been more important to him even than that. This woman's name was Sara and she was nice enough, but I thought not good enough for Tiffin. I was probably too picky, but I wanted someone he could settle down with, and Sara was very much a girl who wanted to party. I was surprised because I felt that wasn't what Tiffin really wanted anymore either. She stayed over some weekends and then we wouldn't see much of Tiffin. I thought like any relationship in the first few months it's all about sex, but I did think even so it was a lot of progress for Tiffin to be with the same girl for so long, so in the end I thought Sara must be okay for him. I think Lochie and I felt a bit like Tiff's mum and dad when we would discuss things about Tiff in the evenings. I don't know if Tiff knew we did that, but I think he knew we wanted the best for him.  
So everything was good. 

The baby's first scan was fine but the second showed some concerns. They said the baby was small, wasn't growing. I thought this is it. I didn't want my blood ties to Lochie to found out and I didn't want there to be anything wrong with our baby. But the doctor told me to come in a month before my due date and prepare for a caesarean. Still Lochie told me it would be okay. The baby was just small, that's all. They'd do that for anyone, and 32 weeks wasn't really premature, the baby would be fine. I still felt incredibly nervous. I loved the life we lived together. I didn't want it to be taken away. On the day I met the anaesthetist he told me what to expect. They then sent me for another ultrasound. I dreaded what they would tell us. But in fact they said it might be that the baby had moved or maybe they had measured incorrectly for in fact she was average size everything was normal. So we went home, relieved. 

Three weeks later my contractions started which was okay, it was close to my due date so I wasn't worried. When we left the hospital last month they had asked me to give birth in hospital this time so that's where we went. Luckily it was a Saturday so Aran and Freya went to play at Elodie's house. I don't like hospitals but with Lochie with me I felt safe and even though we had the scare last month Lochie made me think nothing would go wrong. He said our babies were perfect and we could have as many as we wanted. The birth was quicker than the previous two. I like giving birth. I'm not frightened of the pain. I think something so unique should come with a price and it makes me feel very alive and special, because only I can give Lochie the gift of a little baby to love. Lochie is always a wonderful support to me and sometimes I wonder how he can see me like that, giving birth, and then go back to seeing me as a sexual being, but he does quite easily. He says he is awe of my body. I guess saying things like that helps me reclaim my sexual identity anyway too. So this birth was a little easier and it just got harder when the baby was emerging from me and I struggled to push. Then I thought everything was quiet, just a few seconds, but it made me anxious. The baby didn't cry, and I saw Lochie look at the midwife. But they didn't say anything except to say 'it's a girl' Then, Lochie wrapped the baby up in a blanket, like a little hooded shawl. My other babies had been passed to me uncovered just their naked little selves in my arms, so I noticed that. And Lochie held on to the baby longer than he had any of our other children. I was worried there was something wrong.  
'Lochie? Is everything okay?'  
'Yes, yes,' he said looking over at the midwife again. 'She's very cute.' I had never heard him say that word before. 'She is little though, like a little hamster. She's gorgeous Maya. I love her so much already. She's perfect. Thank you Maya. I love you, thank you for giving me another daughter.'  
I felt better immediately hearing his words, but still I had to ask 'can I hold her, Lochie?'  
'Yes, Maya, sorry.' He seemed reluctant to pass her to me. I guess he found the process as overwhelming as me. But he gave her to me so she could nestle in my arms by my breast. She was indeed very very cute. She had a little button nose and I told Lochie she didn't look like our other babies, who both took after Lochie.  
'I think she is the perfect blend of both of us Maya.' Perhaps he was right. She had a little round face. She felt quite big to me, but maybe she was shorter than our other two who were quite long. I put my nipple in her mouth. I love that part when the newborn starts to suck. The sounds they make when they begin to feed so greedily. But she just seemed to keep the nipple in her mouth, she didn't seem to want to suck. Lochie noticed. He stroked my hair, calming me.  
'It's okay, Maya, she is just tired. She will start sucking, won't she?' He directed that question to the midwife, who nodded. I stroked her little forehead, and pushed the little hood down. She opened her eyes so that I noticed their almond shape for the first time. I looked at the flattish shape of her head and the tiny little ears.  
'Oh Lochie,' I cried 'what have I done?' I could tell just by looking that the little baby in my arms had Down's Syndrome and all my hopes for her, everything I saw mapped out for our family disappeared. My arms holding her became weak and Lochie quickly supported her so that I could still hold her.  
'You have made a beautiful baby Maya. We both have. She's just a baby. All she needs is love. It's going to be so easy to do that Maya, she needs us. I know she is going to make us very happy. She's perfect Maya, look I think she's ready to feed.'  
I turned to look at my baby who was trying to find my nipple again with her little mouth open. I put it inside her mouth and she clamped on like a little magnet. She didn't seem to suck as hard as my other babies but she was having a good try. She intermittently opened and closed her eyes. She really was very cute. But still, I couldn't help crying. Lochie held us both in his arms and I saw him shed tears too.

Ironically, after years of worrying that we would have a disabled child we had one, but it was nothing to do with being brother and sister. It was just to do with an extra chromosome. Either Lochie or I could have had a baby with Downs with anyone. They sent a doctor to see us virtually straight away. She was a junior doctor who seemed unfamiliar with the process of giving counselling, I think they are trained to be positive, but the way she said things seemed like she was sorry for us as she listed all the health problems we could expect : heart, eye, thyroid, hearing, developmental delays in speech, walking, behaviour and even weaning. Maybe it was just me, but I found it overwhelming. I think Lochie noticed because he stopped her and said  
'But I think a lot of people with Downs can live full and happy lives? I think I read about a boy who climbed Everest ?'  
'Well I don't know about that,' the doctor replied.  
So Lochie gestured to me and the baby in my arms and added 'Well, it's lucky I do then isn't it?'  
The doctor then started to list all the tests she needed to have. Some like blood tests she could do right there and others we needed to book her in for in the future such as eyes and ears. An ultrasound on her heart would be done in the next few days at the latest. I needed to stay in hospital for a few days while they checked responses and that she could feed properly. Of course the mention of blood tests made me nervous but Lochie took charge of that too.  
He said he objected to tests on his baby that were not in her interest. He asked what the blood tests were for and the doctor said to confirm that she had Downs. He told her he regarded that as unnecessary, and asked whether any test was compulsory on his child. The doctor said she didn't think so. I think he saw a chance because of her hesitation that he could manipulate her and instead of being defensive he changed his tone becoming more charming and asked if she had children too, she did. So he said his faith taught him to value every life equally, he viewed the baby in my arms as his daughter first and foremost and he would do anything to ensure she had a happy healthy life. He would take her right now if they wanted to arrange an ultrasound on her heart. But he didn't want her life to be dominated by her condition so he wanted to start from the day of her birth to protect her. He asked me if she was feeding right then as she was attached to my breast again. I said she was. Lochie explained she was our third child and we knew what to look for if she was failing to thrive in the next few days, and thereafter. He said he wanted to take us home today. I think the doctor warmed to him that he had such strong convictions but she said it would be unusual to recommend mother and baby go home today.  
'But not impossible?' asked Lochie. The doctor said she would go and see about the ultrasound and check. The midwife said she had run a bath for me and Lochie took the baby from me and placed her in her little see through cot and helped me into the bathroom. It was attached to the birthing suite so it was private. Lochie kept the door open so that he could see no one came for the baby whilst I bathed in the water that my body had quickly turned red with blood. Lochie helped me out of the bath and kissed me.  
'Everything will be all right Maya. I love you. No one will take our baby from us, I swear to you that will not happen. How do you feel?'  
'Yes I'm okay. I felt sick when she talked about tests.'  
'Well I'm just going to get out of as many of them as we can, or delay them for as long as possible so they decide they are unnecessary. I think I can do it, she is our baby after all. If Jehovah's witnesses can refuse blood transfusions I don't see why we can't refuse tests. I just don't know if they will find more than they are looking for if we allow them to take her blood. That's why I need you to come home Maya.'  
'Yes Lochie,' I replied. I was to be honest still exhausted from the birth. Normally I feel exhilarated afterwards, such a rush of adrenalin I think, it makes me want to give birth all over again, but this time with the threat of discovery and my daughter's diagnosis I did feel a growing sense of loss that I was trying to control. I think Lochie could tell, for he tried to reassure me, he knew all the things I might be worried about. He talked so much more positively about it than the doctor, partly because he had a vision already about how our baby would fit into our lives. He said he always read up about disabled children before any of ours were born so he was familiar with special needs. Although he hadn't thought we would have a baby with Downs he had read up on it in passing. The story of the boy climbing Everest was true. Others with Downs had swum across the English Channel, someone was training to be a pastor, some were actors. There was so much possibility today for people with Downs. He said he would find out more. He said he was giving up work as we had planned in the next two months. He was ahead of schedule, with an interested buyer having made a good offer, so he could do a lot of work from home. It was mainly in the hands of the accountants now, so he would arrange meetings from home. He never took parental leave because he didn't make any official record that he was his children's father which always saddened me. But work were not expecting him back in the office for three days so he would be with me constantly for 72 hours at least, then he would pop into the office on Friday, then be with me at the weekend. He said anything I wanted to do I would still be able to do, I knew he was talking about my career.  
'I don't care about that now Lochie' I said.  
'But I care Maya. If you want to work you can. You have been building up momentum, you can keep going. Everything we have planned, you can do. I will stay with the children. You know I will be able to look after her. But if you want to, you can. You don't have to decide anytime soon. We are going to be financially secure for a while, after everything, my job has at least afforded us that. Come, let's see her.'  
So we went over to her cot. She was so quiet. But I loved the way her little limbs moved, like any baby. I loved her little compact body. I just wanted to hold her. Her little almond eyes were shaped in such a way that it looked liked she was already smiling. Lochie helped me back into bed as I wasn't strong on my feet yet. He passed our baby to me. I stroked her soft blonde hair. It was beautiful.  
'What do you think of her?' Lochie asked.  
I smiled at him. 'She is beautiful. I love her so Lochie. I just hope she has a strong heart Lochie. I don't want to lose her.'  
'Don't let the doctor worry you. They have to tell us all those things. When we get home we can read up on everything. With us as her parents she will have a good life Maya. We can do this. I'm so proud of you. I love you, I love you both so much.' He said kissing us both. I think that was the point when I really felt this physical sensation of love for my little girl.  
'Lochie,' I asked,''what about her name? Can we chose one now?' We had waited a few days to name Freya and Aran, to see what name fitted them. But I didn't want our new baby to be 'the baby with Downs' I wanted her to have a name.  
'Well I think we should name her after something beautiful, like Rose or Skye?'  
'I like Rose or Rosie. But I was thinking of something more beautiful even than that. I guess it's more intangible but it's a name I was thinking you might like if we had another daughter.'  
'What is it Maya?'  
'I wondered if we could call her Faith.'  
'That's perfect Maya. I had been thinking of that too, but I know you are not religious in the way I am,' he said happily, so I told him why it meant a lot to me too.  
'I know I don't fully understand your relationship with God, but I do understand the way you live your life. I know your faith is a big part of who you are though you aren't showy about it. I see your faith in the way you treat people, me, your children, Tiffin. And I love you for it.' I didn't tell him, because I didn't want to mention it at this point but I also liked the name because to me it meant I was giving him the gift of this little person whom he loved because I loved and trusted him. It also signified I pledged my absolute faithfulness to him forever. We had become a different family in the past few hours and I didn't know much about Downs Syndrome at all. I did believe there would be practical difficulties ahead, I didn't shy away from that. But every word, every look, every gesture Lochie said or made had been so right. He made me feel better just by being there, he had always said he would love any baby we had and he had proved that as soon as Faith had been born. Although it was true I wasn't religious like Lochie I did feel completely blessed that I had both Lochie and our daughter in my life.

When we got home Freya and Aran were delighted with their little sister. We didn't tell them there was anything different about her. We introduced her to all our friends as Faith. We told them she had Downs and she was gorgeous, or she had Downs and we loved her. We never said she had Downs but... because it wasn't a problem for us, and we didn't want people to think they needed to be sorry for us. Willa asked me how I felt and I did confide in her all the problems we could face in her development and how things could impact on Freya and Aran. So then Willa said she was sorry I was worried about that and if she could help in anyway she would. 

There was another change during that time, before even Faith was born. There was about a month to go on Tiffin's contract and he broke up with Sara. He seemed okay with that. He told Lochie, well asked his advice really, if it was all right for him to go to Perth when his work finished. He wanted to catch up with friends there. He had also been in touch with the company he worked for on the schools project and they had asked him to carry out some work under their guarantee. He said he was looking for an excuse to go back, so he would do it. He also said afterwards he was thinking he would be able to set up his own home. As they were going to be selling the bungalow when the current tenant's contract ended he would have money for a deposit for a small home. He wasn't even sure which city yet, he seemed to have connections everywhere. I felt a pang of sadness, but I knew that time would come eventually, but I was proud of him and made the most of having him around.

So with the 6 months up, Tiff left us for Perth. He called us weekly. Then we didn't hear anything for a couple of weeks. I was worried about the baby who was still growing inside me at that time so I think I was transferring some worries to Tiffin too. Lochie reminded me that the signal when Tiffin was on the schools project before had been appalling, so I felt better. But one day I got a text from Tiffin saying could we chat on Skype on Sunday. He had some good news he wanted to tell us. I had a feeling I knew what it might be, I thought I wonder if he has found his old girlfriend? He hadn't mentioned her for a long time. He had never even told me her name because I think he wanted to keep that private. I could tell though when he had spoken about her that he had loved her though perhaps back then he had not even been able to express that to her.

So on Sunday he skyped me. Lochie was out with Freya and Aran so I had time for a nice chat. The call came through promptly at 2 pm like Tiff had said. The connection was quite spluttery at first but it was good to see Tiff at all. I thought he might be in an Internet cafe or on his phone somewhere in Perth but he said he was still out in the rural town, he had installed a better wifi service so we would be able to talk more. I could see he was in a house, but he was sitting on his own. He talked about his work and said he was actually going to stay a bit longer. He asked about the children, and I said they were fine, I didn't want him to worry about the baby so I didn't tell him about how the doctors thought she might be small. I could hear some noises in the background so I knew he wasn't alone.  
He said 'Maya, I'd like you to meet someone.'  
So I thought I must be right, he is going to introduce his girlfriend and I felt happy for him.  
But then he moved out of shot and I heard some noises and I thought, he hasn't just got a puppy has he? I can imagine him doing something like that. But instead he sat down with the most adorable little girl on his lap. He didn't have to tell me who she was, I could tell straight away. She looked like one of my babies, she was definitely a Whitely. She had gorgeous auburn hair which fell in curls, a little lighter than mine. She had blue eyes like his and I could tell she was a chubby happy little thing.  
'This is my daughter, Maya,' he said proudly. Then he said to his little girl, 'do you want to say hello to your Aunty?'  
'Hello,' she said, I think she was looking at her own image on her screen.  
'Tell Maya your name,' she was quiet.. I don't think she was 2 yet. Tiffin tickled her and she laughed. 'Who's this?' He said pointing to her tummy. She touched her own tummy and said 'Eppie, Eppie' smiling and showing the most beautiful dimples. Then she leant in and put her arms round Tiffin and said. 'Daddy home. Daddy home.' I had never seen Tiffin look so happy in my life.  
Then I saw Tiffin extend his hand to someone. 'Maya, I'd like you to meet Bonnie. She's my wife, we got married Maya.'  
When Bonnie sat down she was nothing like I thought she would be. She was a red head, naturally pretty, wearing no make up which just highlighted her big green eyes all the more. She seemed very shy. She said hello and smiled but really she seemed wrapped up with what was going on around her not with me or her image on the screen, looking at Tiffin, not me. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and Eppie seemed undecided which way to go, to stay on he father's lap or go to her mother. She chose her mother, who put her over her shoulder and as she did so Tiffin leant over to kiss her. I had seen a kiss like that before. I have a photo of it. It was just like the kiss Lochie gave me on the Manly ferry. Eyes smiling, mouth curled up. Yes, Tiffin loves her. I was so happy. Bonnie then said she was going to get Eppie ready for a nap and Eppie said 'bye bye' to me. I watched Tiffin's eyes follow them out of the room, full of pride.  
'What do you think, Maya?' he asked.  
'They are both very lovely Tiffin, you should be very proud. And congratulations Tiffin, I am very happy for you both.'  
'Yes, I'm sorry it was so sudden. We just got married yesterday. I have been so completely wrapped up in them since I found them, three weeks ago.'  
'Do you want to tell me about it Tiff?' I asked. He filled me in. He assured me he didn't have the slightest idea he was going to be a father. He had phoned Bonnie a few times after he left begging her really to go with him, but she wouldn't. He understood now that it was really just that she couldn't, and he was being petulant, his pride was hurt because no one ever said no to him, it was always the other way round. He kept trying to convince her because he knew she was special to him, but he wasn't very good at it. When he was with her he felt they were the only people in the world but he didn't tell her that. But without her he was weak in so many ways. During their last conversation he had with her he threw down his phone in the street, breaking it. He just kicked it into the gutter, leaving all the numbers he had on it behind. Then he said, there was that Melbourne thing.

Bonnie had tried to contact him when she found out she was pregnant. But she couldn't. She tried getting in touch through his ex employers but they either didn't have his details or weren't telling. Tiffin didn't have any online presence so she couldn't find him that way. He said she became depressed. The baby growing inside her was all that kept her going, she found being cut off from family and with a new baby in this tiny township difficult. I can imagine it was a horrible situation to be in. When the baby was born she had tried to find Tiffin again, but with no luck. Then one day Tiffin's former work colleague, Roger, came to complete a one year check on the work they had done. Tiffin found the next bit of the story difficult to tell. Bonnie asked if he knew where Tiffin was and he said he had heard that he was married and living in New Zealand. Tiffin guessed he had just got him muddled up with someone else, but it was really hard for Bonnie because she knew she loved him even then. Bonnie had already put up all the photos she had of Tiffin in her daughter's room because she had hoped that one day she might find him and she wanted Eppie to know who her father was. But hearing that news, she thought any hope of that was gone, so she didn't look anymore, but the photos stayed up. She had extended her contract for another year but if Lochie and I hadn't encouraged him to find her it may have soon been too late. Then he may never have found them or even known he had a daughter at all.

Tiffin said it took some persuading when he turned up on her door last month, to convince her he wasn't married. She wouldn't let him in to her house at first, but within a few minutes a little toddler came up to Bonnie and held on to her skirt. Tiffin said he could see straight away especially with her auburn hair that he was the father. Bonnie didn't stop him from picking her up and the only word she said was 'daddy' because Bonnie had taught her to recognise him from the photos.  
'So,' continued Tiffin. 'I said to Bonnie, I think you are going to let me in your house now aren't you? And she did. But she still wasn't convinced I wasn't married so I said I can't prove to you whether I am or not, but I can tell you I'm not and never have been. But, I said, maybe the only way I can prove it is if we get married, unless you think I would be a bigamist too. I told her I don't care where I live as long as it's with you. If you love me like I love you we don't need to waste anymore time, let's just do it. So obviously she said yes, and here I am. And I am incredibly happy, Maya, I really am. I just I wish I hadn't missed the first two years of my daughter's life.'  
I reassured him. 'She knew who you were straight away, Tiffin. Bonnie had made you part of her life. She is only tiny Tiffin, she will never remember the time you weren't there, only from now on she will know you are there for her. You have done it the right way round, think of all those fathers who leave before their children start school and then are never in their lives. You know about that. They are the ones who don't know their dads. You are there for her now, forever. ' I think that helped him, but I had a feeling that Bonnie would have told him much the same already. She had clearly taught her daughter to love her absent father so I guessed that now he was back in their lives permanently everything would be just as they wanted it to be. 

I asked Tiff if Bonnie could hold off putting Eppie down for a nap for a bit as Lochie was going to be back any minute. It wasn't a problem, I think Bonnie has just been trying to give Tiff and I space to talk. So I was still talking to them when Lochie came in. Freya and Aran ran upstairs and Lochie came over to join me on the sofa.  
'Is that Tiff at last?' he said, and he kissed me as he sat down.  
'Oh I see you have found Bonnie, I thought you might didn't I?' I noticed that Lochie knew her name. He introduced himself to Bonnie and I could see he was much better at putting her at ease than I was, and she introduced Eppie to him. I think she was pleased when Lochie said she looked like the perfect blend of both of them, only a lot prettier than Tiffin. He also said that we had trained up Tiffin very well for her. Had Tiffin told her that he had been left in charge of not one but two children when we had travelled to the other side of the globe? She looked impressed with Tiffin but she said she had no plans to leave his side for a while. Lochie asked them to come and visit when the baby was born - he didn't act as if there would be any problems - and Tiffin said they would.

 

When Faith was born Tiffin was marvellous whenever I talked to him on the phone and I wished he was nearer. I spoke to him a lot because although he was interested in how Lochie and I were feeling, and in Faith herself, I could also just chat to him about ordinary things and he still sent me links to funny news stories on Twitter and snapchats of him and Eppie so that my world seemed unchanged. He had been going to wait to come and see us when Bonnie had a school holiday, but I know that because Faith had Downs he came within her first month, bringing just Eppie. He was only positive about Faith and wasn't nervous about holding her at all like some people were, he was just his natural self around her. He said he wished our families could be closer so that all the cousins could grow up together and maybe one day he could take us all camping again. 

Eppie I could see was a precocious child, very advanced in her speech for example. Very active too though completely docile with her father. I asked Tiffin what he thought about married life and fatherhood. He said quite seriously that I has been right, settling down was the best thing. He loved Bonnie more than he thought possible. He particularly adored her for the way she had instilled positive images of him for Eppie even though she had thought it most likely they would never meet. She could have handled it so differently. He also told me he had said some terrible things to her when they separated including some distortions of the truth. He told her that he had had hundreds of lovers and living with her for three months had been a mistake. He had told her he didn't want to live like that after all. So he was surprised she had taken him back, that maybe it had been just for Eppie's sake. But he knew that wasn't the case now, he knew she had always loved him, like he loved her. I told him that she could probably tell what he had said wasn't true, that he was just hurting, she would have known what a good loving person he was just because they had lived together, and she must have always loved him very much to teach Eppie about him for years. I know Tiffin was pleased I said that, and I do believe it was true. About fatherhood specifically, Tiffin said he loved it. He knew he always wanted to be a father, which was just as well because he said within two months of being together again they already had another baby on the way. He laughed and said he was not very popular with the in laws, he said that was one problem Lochie and I didn't have. Having never met him until recently they only thought of him as an irresponsible itinerant worker who had seduced their daughter once only to leave her when she was pregnant and now she was expecting another baby within moments of him returning two and a half years later. He said he thought they only tolerated him at all because Bonnie was an only child and it was fairly obvious he could give them plenty of grandchildren. I wasn't surprised, I could imagine that Tiffin was quite as committed as his brother when it came to making babies. He said he was so grateful to me and Lochie for helping him to grow up and to realise what love was. I don't think for one moment he was referring to our night together. I think that had all but disappeared for him now. I was very glad he was contented, for that made me happy too.

Faith was a lovely cheerful baby, more so because within a month of her birth Lochie's work was completed and the magazine was sold so he was able to stop working earlier than he planned. With his bonus - which was substantial - he paid off most our debts including a big chunk of the mortgage, like he had always said he would. I guess I could have felt guilty that I had ever turned to Tiffin when I felt neglected by Lochie when all he was doing was working so hard for all of us. But Lochie never made me feel like that. He worked out he could take a career break and look after the children for 6 months, while I worked, though I was at home with Faith for the first three months full time too, which made things a lot easier as we learnt about her needs together. So it came about almost in a circle, Lochie looked after a family again, just like he had done when he was a teenager. My career grew - mixing freelance small projects for homeowners to hotels and offices, I tried to work from home as much as I could. I wouldn't earn as much as Lochie earned, but we were okay. Lochie did a little freelance work, writing a column for a couple of magazines. He could really write on any subject, nature, literature and family columns, including articles about raising a child with Down's. I don't know how he found the time, but he said he worked very efficiently because he wanted to spend as much time as possible with his family. I knew working in Brisbane must have been a huge sacrifice for him, and I was so glad that was over and we had got through it in the end.

Tiffin came to see us again when Faith was a few months old, bringing Bonnie and Eppie this time. It was good timing, we were going to move Aran and Freya into separate rooms shortly but hadn't yet so Bonnie, Tiffin and Eppie had the two rooms that used to be Tiffin's. Lochie had already finished his work so he was at home too, so we all got to know Bonnie well. I could tell Bonnie liked Lochie, his manner is welcoming and unassuming. He must have seemed familiar to her too because Tiffin, after spending a lot of the last 6 months that he stayed with us in Lochie's company, had taken on some of his brother's mannerisms. He would always be the joker in the family, but he seemed more at ease now. I think the similarity between them helped Bonnie feel like she was part of the family quite quickly. She was quiet I think rather than shy, but though she was clearly in love with Tiffin, she wasn't a push over. I was impressed that she hadn't given up on her rural job for him I and that Tiffin was putting what she wanted to do first. I did think that she let Eppie get away with being quite mischievous. Our house was not baby proof - we taught our children boundaries and they followed them. We were going to put in things like safety gates for Faith when she needed them for example, though we had never used them before. Lochie never raised his voice to his children, they just knew when he said something, he meant it so he never had to say anything twice. I saw that Tiffin had started to be more like him in that way too and so it was he who would control his daughter just by speaking to her softly. Bonnie I think may have let Eppie swing from the gallery before asking her to get down. I didn't blame her though. I imagined how much I would have indulged Freya if for whatever reason I had been separated from Lochie. Because although I love each of my children as individuals, for who they are, I always think how I owe so much to Lochie for the fact they are in this world. I often feel as if whilst I carried the baby they were more mine but once they are born they seem so much more than 50% his, I see him in them all so easily.

I got to know Bonnie quite well in that week. She liked arty things like me so we had that in common. She said she had planned to work in rural schools before she had a family but things had turned out differently. There were lots of advantages there though because children had to make their own entertainment, playing outdoors with mud and sticks was Eppie's favourite thing and it was impossible to live a materialistic life. She conceded that she was lucky, she had a well paid job so she could buy any of the necessities she needed. The local community had big problems with unemployment, and therefore drink and drugs and there was very little for teenagers to do. She was starting a theatre club for the older children though, which she hoped would grow. She said she was an only child, and her parents lived in Sydney. She was a couple of years older than Tiffin and her parents were approaching their 70s so she wanted them to be near their grandchildren, so she had applied for a job there. I was so pleased that Tiffin and his family would be nearer to us, not on the other side of the country anymore. Bonnie was already 4 months pregnant at that point. Towards the end of their stay, she explained that Tiffin wanted a big family like he had, because he told her each sibling made his life better. Bonnie said they thought they best get on with it if they wanted 5. But I corrected her, 'you can stop at 4 if you want the same as Tiffin.' But she said 'No Maya, Tiffin definitely said 5.' I was pleased that Tiffin had told her about Lochie and me for so many reasons, he was the first of our siblings to do that. I knew that meant that he accepted us for who we were and what we did, I had known he loved us for a long time, but the fact that he wanted to share that with someone made it better. Also I hadn't guessed that Bonnie knew so that made me not only like her more but made me realise Tiffin must have made a convincing case about why I loved my brother in the way I did and why Lochie loved me, his sister, like that too. It made me feel proud of him, and proud of Lochie and me as well. Finally I knew that Tiffin would only have told Bonnie about us if he believed he had found his soulmate, and just looking at them together, which was very different to how he had ever looked at me, I knew he had.  
When they left Lochie and I were very happy. We knew we didn't have to worry about Tiffin anymore. He had found his place in the world and it was a good place to be.


	47. Lochan

When Maya found out she was pregnant she was very happy, we both were. She is always radiant when she is pregnant and I love her body as the baby starts to grow inside her. With her auburn hair falling around her shoulders when she is naked lying in bed surrounded by crisp white sheets I love to see her - she looks like an aesthetic masterpiece. I like to caress her pregnant body too, each curve becoming more distinct.

She looks so serene and radiant I know it's my job to keep her looking and feeling that way, she does all the hard physical part of growing the baby so I make sure she is emotionally at ease. Every time, whatever I am feeling I tell her it will be okay, the baby will be healthy, we won't be found out. I don't see there's any point in worrying her. I want her to enjoy her pregnancy as if I was not her brother. When she is pregnant I always read up on any stories in the news about incestuous couples having children around the world, but especially in Australia. It's the only time I do that. I find it quite depressing for lots of reasons. Often I do think to myself what some people are doing is wrong, depending on their circumstances. I guess that's hypocrisy. But also I think it's only when I'm reading those articles that I remind myself that I'm Maya's brother at all. She has called me her husband for years and that's who I think I am. But I persevere in case there are any arguments I can put forward if we are discovered, or if I can deduce how common disabled babies born to brother and sister may be. That information though is impossible to know really as healthy babies like ours aren't discovered so I think the odds of having a healthy baby are quite high. I also read up on disabilities so that I can comfort Maya straightaway. I know it would be a very traumatic time for us because as well as knowing our child had special needs any tests that were done could ensure sympathy would soon turn to disgust. I want to protect Maya and know what my rights are.

When they told us the baby was small I knew something was wrong, I think the Doctors knew too, which is why they did the extra ultrasound. But perhaps Faith's measurements of her head and body were just close to the normal percentile so they couldn't commit to telling us anything for sure. But our other babies were long so I knew this baby was going to be different for us. 

As our little daughter came into the world I was really hoping our baby was healthy. If she had been our first I may have thought all babies look like that. But she was different, I could see that. I wasn't sure how at first until I held her in my arms. She was wrinkly so it was more difficult to tell on the face than I thought. Mainly it was her little body that I thought seemed different. But the midwife didn't say anything at first so I thought perhaps she was trying to give me that moment alone with my baby that I wanted to give to Maya. That one moment when I could just love her for being part of me, part of Maya, for just being here. As I made sense of her features I realised if she had Downs Syndrome we still might be able to keep her, and that's all I wanted. I wanted Maya to bond with her, I wanted the baby to suckle at her breast so that Maya would know how much she was needed. So I wrapped her up covering her little ears and part of her head so that all you could see were these tiny little facial features which I loved straightaway. It wasn't that I thought Maya wouldn't love her, it was just that I thought the emotions of giving birth alongside the threat of having the baby taken away would be too much. In ordinary circumstances I would have shared that discovery with her. But in the end I think I did the right thing. I was able to let her know that I loved our child before she even held her, and I was composed enough to support her once she worked out our baby had Downs by herself. She was ready to love our baby quite as easily as me, and we were able to keep her. None of the tests we let her have lead to a revelation of her parentage. We were still a family.

Faith was actually a very easy baby to look after. She didn't feed very well, but she didn't cry a lot either. So in order to make sure she drank enough milk we would set alarms to wake us up to feed her, instead of being woken up by a baby's cries randomly through the night. At first she didn't seem to have any preference for Maya's breast or the breast milk in her bottle, which meant I got to have that bonding time with her too. She sometimes would twirl her tongue over the nipple or the teat and drink very slowly. Often when either of us would go to get her she would be awake but not crying, just shuffling about or looking at the toys in her crib. I really think that was just her personality. She was happy to be in this world and just liked looking at everything around her. She was incredibly endearing and we loved her so much. I wouldn't have wanted her to be any different than who she was. The muscles in her mouth gradually got stronger until at around 3 months she was sucking on Maya with lots of force like she had just discovered something wonderful. Then things got difficult for me when Maya started to work. Mainly she could come back at lunchtime if she was on a project fairly locally but if not then it was a problem as though Faith would make do with a bottle what she really wanted Maya. She would start whimpering around 4 and Maya would usually try to be home by 5pm. On those days Maya could not get through the door fast enough : her little baby would be panting for her desperately and she would latch on to Maya and suddenly her world would be perfect again. I sometimes found that last hour exhausting - certainly the hardest work I had ever done. Maya would laugh at me as I had to sit down for half an hour with a cup of tea while she has a contented little baby in her lap. But I kept persevering, I had promised Maya it was her turn to work and I tried harder to help Faith feel settled without her mother whilst in my care, and gradually I improved in my role for Faith.

It was good to be in contact with Tiffin. I was glad he had an instant family. It was probably the incentive he needed to give up his old way of life and start something new. Even though Tiffin had not been in his daughter's life for two years she seemed very much his child. She was happy and exuberant just like I remembered he had been as a child. I liked Bonnie. She seemed gentle and loving which he needed, but I think she seemed feisty and strong enough to deal with his moods. I think she could be quite serious and well organised which was good for him too. He had spent his adult life being completely spontaneous. He still liked to find the irreverent in things. When he visited the first time with Eppie, I was just tidying up having put Aran and Freya to bed. They had made a den which Eppie had played in during the day. Tiffin had already put Eppie to sleep an hour earlier, but after I listened to my two read and then read to them, I let mine go to sleep in the den together. When I came downstairs Maya was watching the latest quasi-ScandiDrama with Tiff, like they used to. Only they weren't wrapped up in each other's arms like before. Instead Tiff was at one end, Maya at the other, holding Faith in her arms, but they were just enjoying each other's company. Every time I walked by there would be some sort of bloody corpse on the screen and they would be in hysterics. They were watching one with a typically high body count.  
I asked them, 'is this meant to be a comedy?'  
Tiffin said 'No, that's what makes it so amusing.'  
And Maya added 'You would like this one, the murderer is actually a killer wasp emerging from a mummified mammoth.' Then she laughed so much tears were forming in her eyes, and Tiffin had to take Faith from her. She hadn't laughed like that since Faith had been born and I was pleased. I came to sit next to her and put my arms round her. Tiffin shrugged his shoulders as if to say it was nothing to do with him. But it was. Her younger brother made her happy and that was good.

Tiffin asked me if he could have my permission to tell Bonnie that Maya was his sister. To tell her therefore the truth about our relationship. I said he didn't need my permission. He knew Bonnie, he would know if it was right to do that. I guessed why he wanted to do it. Since Faith had been born, Maya and he were back to normal. During the 6 months he had lived with us after our wedding Maya had ensured Tiffin spent more time with me than her. But perhaps she felt more confident to communicate with him over the phone and Skype. So Tiffin would call her a lot to talk about Eppie, for advice. I think it must have been fairly obvious to Bonnie that Maya wasn't just his sister in law and to be honest I didn't want him to start off his relationship with Bonnie with that pretence. He told me he was proud of us, there was no shame in who we were. He wanted Bonnie to know that too. She was liberal he said, she had accepted him despite the things he had done. But he added he would not tell anyone about him and Maya, he said there was no reason for Bonnie to know that as it was in the past. It did not represent who they were now. He said he thought it was probably harder for him to get over it than Maya, because Maya had me. But coming to our wedding really marked the end of it for him. He told me he would always love her in a special way, but he said it was more like she was his twin, there was nothing sexual or sensual in how he loved her anymore. I didn't doubt him. He felt Maya thought about him in the same way, which I conceded was true, I think they always will have a symbiotic relationship and I'm not threatened by that at all. I think Tiffin has matured a lot to be able to value that relationship for what it is, emotionally supportive, like the best friends they want to be. So I asked him would Bonnie be happy with that, that he had a special relationship with his sister? He said yes, she would understand that. He had told her already that the relationships in our family were different, and that really the person who had brought him up, the person whom he really thought of as his dad was me. I didn't know what to say. I had really felt like that for so long. I had been looking after him really since our own father had left when he was 4. I had certainly known challenging times with him too. I think I must have looked embarrassed because he said 'it's okay Lochie, I don't want to call you Dad or anything like that. I just wanted her to know, I want you to know you are special to me too. But you are my brother and my friend so you can pick any of those labels as well.'  
I couldn't really ask for anything more than that. 


	48. Maya

Lochie was so devoted to Faith she was seldom out of his arms. He'd come to the door, just walk around the house, even prepare dinner with her always in the crook of his arm. I used to tell him not to do that all the time, she needed to try to develop her muscle tone by being on the floor. So he took my advice as much as he could, and helped her with baby exercises too. But he said he liked holding her because he could speak to her all the time then and that was good for her language development, which was true.

Faith was doing very well. She did everything more slowly than our other two, sitting up, walking, talking, even weaning wasn't easy. But she was an absolute joy. She really was always happy, never frustrated at all. I think in part it was because that was how Lochie had raised her. She would keep her self very busy. She loved music, so she always had her little instruments nearby. But she was very curious and she would pat tunes on the furniture and listen to sounds she made such as crunching up paper close to her ear - even that would make her laugh - so we thought her hearing must be good. Lochie took her for lots of barefoot walks on the beach to make her little leg muscles strong. She made a good range of verbal sounds but individual words weren't there yet, but it was early days. The most noticeable thing about her was her laugh, a pretty little giggle. Lochie made her laugh all the time, and even when she was by herself she would be just giggling with her toys. She was such a rewarding baby to have. I asked Lochie if he would like one more child, our last one. I told him I didn't think I could manage 5 but 4 I could do. We knew we had a chance that this child would have Downs too, but we thought that could be a good thing for Faith anyway, to have someone in the family like her, whom she could share experiences with. Lochie loved Faith so much that I thought he would never let her go, that he planned to keep her with us always, but he told me he wanted to raise her to be strong and independent. He thought it would be lovely if we had two children with Downs who could be each other's best friend and maybe live with each other in their own little flat near us when they started to make sense of the world themselves more independently. I think he had it all mapped out how their lives could be. So we weren't worried about that at all.

Lochie was more worried about the finances. He had put away some money in a bank account we did not touch and had made some other financial investments with the bonus he had earnt. He thought it was unlikely we would both go to prison anymore but he thought that if we were discovered negative publicity would affect our careers and earning potential, so that was our safety net. If we didn't need it, by the time the children were adults, it would be theirs. It just meant we didn't have as much money available now as we would have done. But it was just at that time that Kit, Willa and Tiff decided to sell the bungalow having been renting it out for a while. They wanted to split it five ways but Lochie was adamant he wanted nothing of our father's money. He is generous with forgiveness I know but he could never forget what our dad had done or threatened to do, with Freya. But once the bungalow was sold our siblings said it was their money now and they wanted to give us at least one quarter. They said it was in thanks for raising them, so that we could raise our own. So Lochie was able to be a stay at home dad, and developed his writing too. So when Faith was 18 months old we already had our fourth child on the way.

Faith continued to develop well. She was small, with short little legs, but she was determined too, and when she could walk properly she seemed to be tied to her daddy by an invisible string. She would follow him everywhere. At 2 years old she loved going beach combing with him and had her own little box of treasures she had found. She was very well loved by her brother and sister too. She was so docile and placid she would take on any part they wanted her to play in their games. If they were playing dressing up she didn't mind them putting her in any costume and when they were giving her quite complicated instructions she looked so intently at them that even if she got something wrong they just adapted their games to fit in what she could do. Being around them really helped her progress too. 

Her Downs affected her mildly we were told, but you could tell by looking at her that she had it. Lochie was so proud of her and he thought she was so pretty - her eyes and smile would light up a room, her blonde hair had grown into beautiful curls. Even so I was surprised when he asked if he could audition her for a chance to model for Baby Gap Australia as they were looking for a toddler with Downs for their campaign, he had seen an advertisement. I knew Lochie wouldn't have wanted that at all for our other two children, but I think he just wanted other people to see his little girl and realise how happy and beautiful children with Downs could be. So he took her to Sydney and she was chosen of course, I knew she would be. As long as there was something to look at, like bubbles in the air or a ball to catch she would clap her chubby hands together and smile. Lochie was so proud. He organised a few more advertisements and catalogue pictures for her and let her be the subject of a few Downs Syndrome Society magazine articles. But then Lochie decided to stop. In part I think he wanted just time with all his children at home as it generally meant trips to Sydney, but also I think he was aware that she could become the most famous child with Downs in Australia, and if that became of interest internationally someone may know that her parents Lochie and Maya were brother and sister. So Faith had her own bank account with her earnings locked away and a portfolio of pictures of herself which she loved to look at and show to anyone who visited.

When Faith was 2 1/2, Aran 7 and Freya 8 1/2 our son Mackenzie was born, we had refused all prenatal checks for Downs, but he was born without that condition. He was entirely healthy. Tiffin said his name was too much of a mouthful, so he just called him Buddy, and then we all just called him that, and that name stuck. So our family was complete and no one was ever going to break it up.

Tiffin had moved back to Sydney about 18 months ago, so Bonnie could be near her parents. Our father did not live there anymore. Willa saw him from time to time as she lived in Sydney for most of the year as she lectured at the university while completing her PhD. He had moved to Port Macquarie permanently. So Lochie asked me did I want to move back to Sydney? It made sense to live either there or Brisbane for both our careers, though I had grown used to our church house now and I know Lochie liked being able to just walk down to the sea with Faith. But I think the pull of family was too strong. Tiffin had two children now. Eppie was 4 1/2 and Jonny was nearly 2. Tiffin said he would be pleased if we were nearer, his in laws still caused him grief even though he managed Kit's construction business in Sydney now, so he and Bonnie were well off enough for Bonnie to work 3 days a week. He was 27 now and as lovely and as loving a person as you could get. When his third child arrived, a girl Aimee, Tiffin said he realised how hard it was looking after 3 children, and he was at last grateful that his in laws were around so that he could have any time at all with Bonnie. He said that made him think about mum who had to struggle looking after five children on her own. He was sorry he had not been able to say goodbye. His memories of her were not bad, there just weren't that many of them. He said he did remember some happy times, for example when she planned a picnic one summer and as they left the house, it must have been just him, Kit and Willa because I don't remember it, it began to pour with rain. But they still went out to the park and she danced and everything they took to eat was ruined, but it didn't matter they had fun and it was exciting to get so absolutely soaked through. I told him perhaps that's why he was like he was, the part that was spontaneous and free, maybe there was some of our mother in him and that pleased him. When I told Lochie that story he remembered it though. He said our mother had a whim to go on a picnic and had asked Lochie to get everything ready. Lochie told her that they should go out early because the air was heavy, it was June, and a storm was coming. But she started drinking early that day and was asleep by lunchtime. The clouds were grey and Lochie thought they wouldn't go after all. Then he had a call from one of the old neighbours he did odd jobs for asking for him to come and bring in her lawnmower and her washing as she had no mobility in one of her arms since a fall and rain was coming. He hurried round to help her and did some other jobs too because the rain had started to fall and he would have got soaked. When he came back mum and the children were gone and he was worried. So he went out to look for them. They must have crossed paths for when he got home they were already back. So Lochie thought Tiffin's memory of that day was false, because he knew mum was drunk and thought she was disorganised and irresponsible. But I said no. In Tiffin's memory she was happy, and they had fun, so his memory of that time was true for him. We can all have different perspectives on the same thing, and Lochie agreed.

I think it was because of that nostalgia that Tiffin said he was going to go and see our dad at Port Macquarie and he was taking his eldest two children with him. He said he didn't want the last time he saw his father to be basically the time he knocked him out. He asked Lochie if he wanted to go with him, but he didn't. The last time he had spoken to our father was that day too, the day he had taken Freya from his arms, and Lochie hadn't mentioned him at all for years. I think he had no intention of ever seeing him again. But Tiffin spoke to Lochie after his own visit and said he was pleased he had done it. He said it was really like visiting an old uncle whom he didn't know very well. But he wanted our father to see he was successful, happy and had a family of his own. I think he just wanted to perceived in that way by his own father, and I could understand that. I knew Tiffin probably thought maybe if his father could respect him he could love him too, but I don't think that was going to happen. Tiffin said our father wasn't going to change. He still lead a solitary life, he was still writing and had a new dog. He really was the antithesis of us, always surrounded by each other or our own children. Tiffin thought that was probably it, our father just wanted a different life. He probably had had five children because it didn't make any difference to him, it was just a number. He didn't think of us as people he had to guide through life, people whom he would have to make sacrifices for. Tiffin said it was probably indifference, rather than than irresponsibility, which was our mother's trait, which described him best. He said our father seemed weary but he had been interested enough in his grandchildren. He knew we had four children too. Willa sees him about twice a year and she must pass on the news. He said Dad thanked him for coming but neither of them suggested meeting again, but Tiffin said he might. He said he asked after me and I felt a bit sorry that I had not made any attempt to see him since leaving Sydney. But what surprised me was Tiffin said he specifically said he wanted to see Lochie. So I told him. And I was even more surprised when he said he would go.


	49. Lochan

I never thought I would see my father again. If Tiffin hadn't gone first I probably wouldn't have made the trip. But I had been thinking for a long time that the only person who knows about Maya and me outside our close family is him. I didn't think he was ever going to go to the police anymore. He would have done so by now. But I thought it was quite possible that he could inadvertently reveal it. I didn't know for example if he had ever told our half brother and sister about us,we had not been able to develop any connection with them because of how we lived, so I didn't know what sort of people they were.

My concern was growing as the children got older. I remembered I had to take in my birth certificate when I sat my exams in a England, or when I had applied for a passport. My children had the surname Whitely because of me. Their mother's surname was Rose. Yet I was not named on their certificates. I didn't know how we would explain that to them. We had said before we would tell them by the time they were 18 but I couldn't see that any time was right. Especially after Maya and Tiffin slept together I did believe that just by being aware of incest in the family it could make my children curious. It could make them feel different and want to be different. I had seen what that had done to Tiffin. He had tried to kill himself. And I personally believed if I hadn't been around - if I had left Maya - in the absence of tracking down Bonnie, I do think Tiffin would have taken my place then. But I really didn't want that kind of relationship for my children. I didn't want there to be a second generation like me and Maya. I was desperate that they shouldn't find out. But if for whatever reason they met their grandfather and he - a Whitely - identified Maya as his daughter my children would know about their parentage. My looks after all already identified me as his son. So for me, I had to go to see him.

I took Faith with me. Perhaps it wasn't fair to her but I did decide to bring her with me precisely because she has Down's. I remember some of my father's last words to me. That we shouldn't breed, as if Freya was an aberration, that she shouldn't exist. And I countered that she was perfect, so she should be here. Freya was, and is a beautiful, clever, healthy child, able in everything, excelling in everything. And Faith isn't. She is beautiful, not in the way most people would accept, though I think many people can see her as Maya and I do. She is happy and tries to please in every way. She can look at books and recognise some words. But though there isn't going to be a limit to how much she enjoys her life there is cap to a lot of her skills that will be lower than her brothers' and sister's. And although her condition is not related to the fact that Maya and I are brother and sister I wanted my father to see that she had just as much right to exist as her siblings, just as any child with any disability would have done. To me I suppose Faith was perfect too. I loved how she delighted in small things, how she was equally happy in her own company as with others and I loved it that she loved me and she showed me that she did all the time. So in fact I suppose I wanted my father to see her because she was here, she wasn't perfect by many people's standards. And we loved her so much.

I went to see my father at his house. Faith held my hand. She talks to herself quite a lot and seemed perfectly at ease in his home. She likes to carry a little bag with her and fills it up with little things so she began to look round my father's house to see what was interesting. There wasn't a lot, even for Faith, so I gave her some coins for her to sort out. I was surprised because my father went to get a pot of bubbles which he said his dog chases on the beach and he blew some for her. Then she just wanted to sit with him, waiting very patiently for more magic. But he didn't initially talk to her. Instead he said 'I heard you had a Downs Syndrome child.'  
'Her name is Faith, Ian' I said. I was annoyed because I had already told him.  
'I'm sorry. Yes, Faith. Willa has shown me some of her magazine pictures. I have some of her, look.' He went to a drawer and took out some cuttings of Faith. There were a couple of photos of Freya there too up to the age of 18 months, and one of Aran's newborn photos too. After that, we hadn't kept in touch.  
'I hope you don't mind?' he said apologetically.  
'Of course not,' I replied, surprised. 'But do you show them to anyone, do you say they are Maya's children, or mine?'  
'Yes I have shown them to some neighbours. And I say they are my son's children. They take your name don't they ?'  
'Yes. That's why I am here really Ian. I never want them to know about Maya and me. I don't want them to find out by accident.'  
'Well they won't from me. I can see why you wouldn't want that. But I don't know if it helps at all, I suppose it doesn't make any difference apart from the genetics but I'm not Maya's father.'  
I was dumbstruck. He could see that.  
'Your mother had an affair. I found out when Maya was a baby. We tried to keep going but it was difficult.You probably don't remember when I left the first time?'  
'No.'  
'Your mother told me at first the next baby she was expecting wasn't mine either. That was Kit. But we both said things to hurt each other then. Our relationship was very volatile. But I was still around you and Maya as much as I could be. You were lovely children, so close to each other you were like twins really. I treated Maya as my own, well just like I treated all of you. So when Kit was born I could tell he was my side of the family and I came back again. But I think the damage had been done. We both had affairs over the years. Your mother had a couple of abortions in between Kit and Tiffin. Not mine she said. I probably should have left then but our relationship was addictive. After Willa was born I said we could start a fresh in Australia, I had been offered a job in Sydney. But she didn't want to come. I felt it was my chance, my chance for a different life. So I'm afraid I asked my mistress to come with me. I wasn't very good at being alone then, strange isn't it? It's what I prefer now. But I have to say that was the worst decision I made. I think your mother was incredibly hurt that I could turn around and make the same offer to another woman. Plus your mother and I had never married, but I married Amanda before we left England. I know she didn't take that well. She asked me not to contact you. To be honest I thought you would be better with out me, so after a few Christmas cards, I stopped. I don't really have memories of Tiffin and Willa especially. I remember Tiffin was quite an affectionate little boy. Willa was well, just a baby. Kit was quite sporty. You were quite serious, always. But Maya in particular was such a happy child. She reminded me of your mother, when she came to a Sydney for the first time. Very strong willed isn't she ? But captivating, like your mother.'  
'Yes,' I concurred. 'She is all of those things and more. But why didn't you tell us?'  
'It made no difference. I hadn't treated any of you very well. If I did anything right, it was to treat her the same as all of you, if that's worth anything. I think my relationship with your mother was too overwhelming. I have never thought I was wrong to leave Lochan. I'm sorry I can't say that I regret it. I loved and hated her in equal measure too strongly. Tiffin and Willa, they are mine you know. I think your mother kept wanting to prove she was going to be faithful to me by giving me more children in the end. She knew I was very fond of babies, I wasn't good as they grew up. Well you know that don't you...but perhaps it makes a difference to know you are related only by your mother.'  
It really seemed a woeful tale of misplaced love, the absence of affection, things I just couldn't recognise in how I had ever lived my life. But I was please he told me his unfiltered history. 'I don't know.' I replied, trying to make sense of his revelations. 'Maybe that will mean our children will have healthier lives. I thought we had just been lucky. So thank you for telling me. I shouldn't have guessed you know. To your credit, I think you have always treated Maya well, when we lived in Sydney, apart from that time when, well, you ruined everything.'  
'Yes. I never thought it was the child's fault. That's why I was so ashamed of myself about that time with Freya. It was inexcusable. I'm sorry. For a long time I have been very sorry.'  
'Thats in the past now Ian I can't really talk about it though.' The pain of that day had only gone away for me because I did not think about it.  
'Understood,' he acknowledged.  
'Because you know even though Maya's my half sister, what we do, how we live, it's still incest.'  
'I know.'  
'Does it disgust you still?'  
'I told you about my life with your mother so you can judge me. Make of that what you will. If you love Maya, and I think you do, and you are raising four happy children together I think you have done a better job than me.' I think that was very high praise from him.  
'Thank you,' I replied. There was silence for a minute. Faith seemed to see her chance. She offered Ian her shiniest coin. He took it from her and put her on his lap. He actually didn't seem awkward as some people are when they meet her for the first time. He let her take his glasses off his nose and talked to her as if he could understand every word, though I know the flat tone of her voice can make some sounds difficult. He pulled faces at her and made her laugh so she settled down on his lap to look in her bag again as if she was quite comfortable sitting where she was, with him.  
But then I realised something. 'So when Freya was born, when everyone said she took after your side of the family, you knew, you knew she was mine?'  
'Yes, I remember thinking she looked similar to all of my boys. But she was a baby, I didn't know for sure. But then that grey eye colour held. And every time Maya pointed out some feature that was similar to mine all she was doing was confirming that the child was yours.'  
'But you were kind to her. Until that day, you were good to her.'  
'I wasn't sure if I was right, I couldn't absolutely know. I thought I did .... But I was very pleased there was a new generation. I thought I could deny it and do better. I didn't want to harm the child, you know that.'  
'I do now. I didn't then.'  
'And Maya was always well...I don't know why but she was always my favourite. As if because she wasn't mine, she was a gift. I did think you may have manipulated her. I think that was my fear.'  
'Well,' I said, feeling uncomfortable, 'you know that isn't true?'  
'Yes you have all made that clear. I couldn't understand it at first, but I think I do now. And from what I have seen Maya was perhaps the driving force...'  
'Well, I think we both see ourselves as equals, that's what is so good.' But I knew what he meant, Maya had never denied what she felt was right. Passion and love really was what she was all about. But I felt awkward talking to my father about it, although I think finally, he meant well.  
'Thank you for telling me about things though. Did you tell all about your relationship with mum to Tiff?'   
'No, I didn't.'  
'Well I think I will. He's the one who I think has struggled over the years. I think he felt you left because of us, because you couldn't cope with five kids.'  
'Yes five children was a lot. But no, I stayed as long as I did because of you. Surely you remember me better than that Lochan? You were 12? 13?' He seemed a little anxious that I should have some perfect memories of a happy family locked away, but I didn't. With my parents' tumultuous personal life going on as I was growing up, perhaps that was unsurprising.  
'I don't know, it's a bit of a blur. You weren't exactly a hands on dad were you?'  
'I don't think many fathers were then... Tiffin says you stay at home now?'  
'Yes, for now.'  
'Well no that wasn't me. But I was building a career.'  
'Yes I've been there too.'  
'So you understand what it's like?'  
'Yes I do. I built a career to support my family.'  
'Exactly,' He didn't seem to get my point, so I was blunt.  
'But you seem to have built a career to bugger off.'  
'Well, if that's how you see it..'  
'Well you didn't provide for us over the years did you?'  
'I wasn't well off then. I gave your mother a lump sum when I took redundancy from my post at the research centre.'  
'I don't know about that. How long was that meant to last?' I didn't remember any point in our lives when money hadn't been a problem.  
'I guess that was up to her.'  
'Was she an alcoholic when you left?'  
'Not quite. She drank.'  
'Well you left a heavy drinker with a lump sum of money, no career to speak of and five kids. Guess what happened.'  
'I don't know what to say.' For a writer he was incredibly sparse with his words.  
'Well I do. I honestly don't think the pair of you had a clue. You were both selfish, completely self absorbed and inept. I'm sorry I didn't come here to say that at all. You know I'm pleased you told me about your relationship with mum. It seems entirely in keeping with the whole mess. Do you understand I brought up your children, because I had to? Because I wanted to? I honestly believe if I look at my life and absolutely everything about it - and yes I do live my sister as my wife - I sincerely believe I am a better man than you.' I surprised myself by saying all of that to him. I don't know what I hoped to gain from saying it, except I believed it was the truth and I didn't really care if he knew it. In fact I thought it would be good for him to know it.  
But his answer surprised me. 'I think you may be right.'  
'Really?'  
'Yes. I suppose I should apologise but it's a bit late for that. I don't think we have anything else to say to each other then.'  
'No I don't suppose we do.'  
'Perhaps it's unsurprising that it is Willa I see the most, as she knew me the least. And now Tiffin, although I have to say that was unexpected.'  
'Yes you are probably right about Willa. And Tiffin is probably the most thoughtful and sensitive one of us all, so if he wants to connect with you I really don't think you should waste that opportunity. But tell me do you keep in touch with your other family?'  
'No, not for a few years.'  
'Good God, Dad.'  
'Dad?' He noticed that I called him that for maybe the second time since I had been in Australia. I think it was because I pitied him, the fact that he could let two families go. That was anathema to me.  
'Sorry. That was a mistake. Ian. What I meant to say is do you want to see Maya? I think she hasn't seen you since we moved because of me. But I don't want to be the one stopping you.'  
'I might like that.'  
'Well if you decide for sure you would really love to see her and your grandchildren again I will leave our details. Then it's up to you.' I think that was my way of making peace with him, as best I could. 

I told Maya the fact that our father was after all just mine. I think she was a little sad. She had memories of him living with us till she was 12 and had not ever thought she was treated differently. She felt guilty that she had not been in touch with him, and was pleased that I had made my peace with him. She was the one who would go to visit him in Port Macquarie about 3 or 4 times a year after that, with some or all of the children. He would never venture to make any trips to see us of his own accord unless Maya invited him, but that was probably because of me.

I was grateful to him though that he had explained his relationship with our mother. I think it brought a lot of peace to Tiffin to understand finally that it was his parents' faults, not his, not ours, which lead to the breakdown of any semblance of a traditional family. In a way it was strange that all of us, except Willa, had ended up at really quite young ages with stable relationships and families. I guess having not had that growing up it was what we valued, that was what we aspired to have. Willa too, though she was younger, looked to be in a very committed relationship with Lorna and I know she wanted children at some point, so I think we were all very family orientated.

I was, I admit, pleased to know that our children had three different grandparents, not two. That surely had made a difference to them. However had Maya not occasionally brought him back to Sydney to visit I would have not worried if I had never seen my father again. I guess I'm not perfect in that way. The love I have for my children is limitless. But I think a parent has to earn love and I didn't believe he had. Maya, Willa and Tiffin were able to forgive him and give him as much love as he could accept. They didn't have any religious faith to draw that forgiveness from, that was just the kind of people they were. I think for me it wasn't just what he had done to Freya that day that I found difficult. I think I looked back and could see how hard his absence had been on the children growing up, emotionally, financially, I had seen that. But Tiffin said that part he could put behind him, especially because he recalled his formative years, when I took over, as a happy childhood that lacked nothing, and Willa said the same. So I suppose what Maya told me was true, we can have different perspectives of the same things and that shapes who we are.


	50. Maya

We started looking for a place in Sydney about a year after Tiffin and Bonnie moved back there. We would have gone back sooner but it was difficult to find a house big enough for us that was affordable and near the sea. Lochie wanted that because he thought it was good for Faith. He wanted her to get as much exercise outdoors as she could and she was very tactile, she loved the sand and the water. In the end it was Tiffin who found us a place. With his connections to the building trade he had been keeping a look out for something for us and he found a fairly decrepit old colonial house that had a fair sized plot going for auction. It had some preservation orders on it so could only go to someone who would restore it, so as it would be a big project interest was low. Lochie told Tiffin he liked it, it would be ideal but he didn't want to get swamped with escalating building costs like we had before. So Tiffin asked him what our maximum price was for a house was and Tiffin said that wouldn't be enough to convert it, so he would keep looking. A month or so later we went to have another look in Sydney and Tiffin said he had found something else, something that needed less work. But I knew he was driving us to the same place. He had a team of builders working there, but I could tell it was going to be a beautiful home. Tiffin said it had gone for much below the asking price at auction and he hadn't told us because he wasn't a hundred percent sure how low he could do the conversion for. But it was all good, the structure was sound. He had followed the conservation rules and where there was leeway he had not used the most expensive materials. So if Lochie and I wanted it we could have it at below our maximum price anyway. He said if we didn't want it it had been good practice in preservation work for his builders and he would sell it for a profit. 

Of course Lochie and I realised that what Tiffin said wasn't true. Even though he was in the trade he would have spent his own money on the house. I knew he was just making up the story so as not to hurt his brother's pride. I didn't have a problem with it. I wanted that life for my children, and for Lochie and me. Lochie I think hesitated. But Tiffin said how much he used to love picking up Freya and Aran from preschool and just walking down to the beach with me from our house and playing there or having a picnic. And I knew Lochie thought that yes, he wanted that too with Faith still, and Mackenzie. So we gave Tiffin all the money we could raise and the deeds were transferred to us.

I had to make an overnight trip to Sydney one day for work before the house was ready. I had the keys with me so in the evening I thought I would see how the work was progressing. It was mostly done. It had large rooms, high ceilings, two storeys, a lovely veranda. From what I could see Tiffin had used much better quality products than he was letting on. There wasn't much left to do, just some finishing touches, wiring, plastering. But I heard some sounds coming from upstairs, nothing that unnerved me, maybe an open window banging or perhaps an animal had got in. So I went upstairs to one of the bedrooms and it was Tiffin, plastering one of the walls by himself.  
He was surprised to see me.

'You've caught me at it,' he said happily. 'I don't get time to do this sort of thing anymore, it's all just paperwork for me these days. But this is the bit I like. Making things just right. Do you remember anything I taught you?'  
'Of course I do,' I said. 'You were a very good teacher. The best. Pass me that bucket and I will show you.' So he gave me a bucket and some plaster and checked that I could mix up the plaster properly so it was fit to use as he said that is usually the first mistake people make. But he was impressed with me. Before I started though he told me to slip out of my shoes and dress because the plaster would ruin them. He gave me a shirt that one of his builders had left behind and he buttoned it up for me.

Then we worked side by side for a couple of hours like we had done years ago. I couldn't remember a time when we had been completely alone together, with no one else even in the house since forever. Maybe not since I had called him into my bedroom when I was trying on that bikini, for even in Cairns the children were there. I may have blushed recalling that to myself, as I had wanted him so much that day. But things had changed. We just reminisced about things, talking about our futures. Everything, we realised, was happy and positive for both of us. I thanked him for the house. I said I knew he had spent his own money on it. He smiled and said yes, it was true, but it was just a house. Lochie and I had given him much more than that. Without us he would have never had found his family. If it was not for Bonnie he would probably never would have settled down. Only she could put up with him, he laughed. He said he loved his wife, his children, his life and was grateful for it. I told him he was right, Bonnie and he were a perfect fit, and they were lucky they had found each other again. But I added, he was very easy to love anyway. He put down his tools and turned to me. He took my face in his hands and brushed some plaster off for me.  
'Do you think so?' he asked.  
'You know I do.' I replied.  
'Is it possible to love two people at the same time?'  
'Well I did that once...' I said looking away briefly. But I turned back, I wasn't ashamed.  
'Because I always have. You asked me not to speak about it to you on your wedding day. So I haven't. But I still love you. Lochie knows it I think.'  
'Yes Tiffin.' I said. 'You are probably right. I guess we crossed that line together and it's hard to get back. I think we have done well though, haven't we?'  
'Yes. We have. Lochie let me back into your lives and I wouldn't jeopardise that or my life with Bonnie. I knew I could talk to you. I just wondered if you felt the same, after all this time.'  
'Yes, Tiffin it's the same for me. You are always with me, but that's okay. Remember what I told you in Cairns? That I loved Lochie differently to me and you? You and Bonnie are like that, you are one. We are just side by side.'  
'Yes that's what it is like. More than brother and sister but less than lovers now.'  
'That sounds pretty good to me Tiffin,' I confirmed.  
He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed me on the lips. It was a lovely sweet kiss. It was nothing that either Bonnie or Lochie would need to worry about. I was his sister, he was my brother. We were just special to each other. It was a different kind of love, but it wasn't destructive. It just meant I wanted the best for him and he wanted the best for me. Incest is a horrid sounding word but all it had lead to for me was richer, more deep emotions and I was proud of that, I was pleased I could feel things on that level.

We finished our work off and Tiffin was pleased. We could move in next month he said. That would be good for my work, and Lochie's. He worked from home, but Sydney was the ideal base to network from. So it would be another exciting time for us. Tiffin asked if I wanted to come back and stay with him and Bonnie that night. The children would be asleep but she would be happy to see me. I told him I already had a hotel room. He could go home to her, I would lock up. So we said goodbye and I just pottered around a bit downstairs where the lighting was already in place. I could get cleaned up because the plumbing was already done too. I was just so happy imagining our family living and growing in this house, I could tell we would be happy here. So I called Lochie and told him all about my day, including plastering the bedroom with Tiff. Freya and Aran were still up, they were just watching a movie with their dad so I spoke to them too. Then I pulled up a bundle of cotton sheets that had been left on the floor. The house smelt of wood shavings, plaster and paint. Every little sound echoed in the hollow rooms and everywhere was dark. But I went to sleep in my lovely new home all by myself quite peacefully, because I was so contented about how my life was and how it would be in the future. I knew Lochie and I had such a beautiful life still ahead of us.


	51. Lochan - Blue Mountains

Although we were going back to a place we had lived before, this time it felt different to be in Sydney. Maya and I were very much equals, she was happy with her career, I was with mine. I happened to look after the children a little more because I mostly worked from home but Maya was self employed too so if ever I needed to travel anywhere for research or attend meetings she was able to work around that. I knew we were very lucky to work like we did and yet have such a wonderful home. That was down to Tiffin. He didn't cease to surprise me, no that was wrong. I wasn't surprised by him at all. Whenever he was set a challenge or set one for himself he met or surpassed it. He didn't just manage Kit's Sydney business for him, he expanded it. Someone from the council was impressed with how their company was developing a niche in conservation work, after Tiff rebuilt our house, so recommended him for some projects in Christchurch after the second earthquake to help restoration of heritage buildings. I know he found that rewarding work. As a father too he was very committed about how he was raising his children and I did think though I had more years' experience I did learn from him because he was easy going but very self aware.

Tiffin and Bonnie lived in Sydney too but they were on the other side, so although we went out together occasionally and went to each other's houses we weren't in each other's pockets. Maya probably saw more of Bonnie than she did Tiffin as they went to Yoga and did some things with the kids together. One thing Tiffin liked to make a point of joining in with was our trips to the Blue Mountains. He had always enjoyed walking and his children were sporty and strong like him. I was hoping to take the family to America for a road trip. Willa was doing a few years placement at Washington State University, she was doing some research concerning some sort of mollusc found along the Western coast. She knew I'd always wanted to see herds of animals like elk, and bison, and bears. She and I had always taken an interest in that kind of thing. She recommended Olympic National Park and said we could then drive about 10 hours to Grand Tetons, and maybe Yellowstone. She said the elk were plentiful in Olympic and it was peaceful. Bears and flower meadows were wonderful in the Tetons and even though it would be busy, we shouldn't miss the famous sites of Yellowstone. But then she said, maybe that would be too much for Faith. I know she meant well, and I wasn't disappointed because there was truth in that. That kind of trip would be difficult for many 5 year olds. Mackenzie was 2 1/2, therefore if he was tired I could carry him. But Faith tended to get out of breath uphill and was simply too interested in everything around her to have much of a sense of purpose when going on a fixed walk. But I thought we could try by practicing at home. It would be good for Faith to take some more uphill walks in the mountains whether we went to the USA or not. We often stayed on low level walks, in valleys because of her but I thought I would try something new.

Tiffin came with us with his eldest two. Eppie was 7, Jonny about 5 too. Both were like deer running through the trees back and forth up and down the paths. When he managed to catch Jonny Tiffin would pick him up in one arm and tuck him up towards him making him laugh as he walked nonchalantly up the hill. Aran and Freya ran on ahead too and they would wait for us at certain points along the trail for us to catch up. Tiffin walked beside me. I had Mackenzie in a carrier on my back. Bonnie was at her parents' house with their youngest. Maya and Faith were falling further and further behind. I loved walks with Faith. She would always stop and look at everything. I think Aran and Freya were already fed up with their dad pointing out this bug, that flower, this bird in flight. They made up their own entertainment now. But Faith was never bored. I would show her an insect, she would sit and watch it. I would show her a flower, she would find me a stick. And I think the wonderful thing about her was she was never going to lose that joy. Hers was the sweetest kind of innocence. But I had told both Tiffin and Maya about my plans and they both went along with it but I knew they thought like Willa it would be too much. I just wanted to show them they were wrong. I guess I wanted to show them that Faith could do anything, she didn't limit us as a family, we could do it all.

I stopped a few times to let them catch up. Maya had her hands full of sticks that Faith had found for her. I could see that Faith was trying very hard to keep up. She was a little bit pink and her little legs would move quicker than normal whenever I called her name. But still she fell further behind because she would double back if she realised she had dropped a particular stick or if she decided she wanted to look at something again. I knew she did things like that. I liked that she did things like that. But normally our walks were just a saunter. I'd stay back with Faith, Maya would set up a picnic and if we joined in half an hour later it was not a problem at all. We would all be happy, we would all enjoy ourselves, that's why we came to the Mountains so often. But today I had a plan to cover a certain amount of ground and I kept that in my mind even though to be honest the path was steeper than I expected. I think for the first time as I watched Tiffin's children run about effortlessly, I realised that we did have limitations on us as a family, on this type of outing, because of Faith and I didn't want to admit that.

So I stopped for about the tenth time so Faith could catch up with me and Tiffin. I didn't even have to call Faith's name. She knew why I had stopped, she was looking for sticks again and she came running up to me - her little cheeks were reddening now. She had two hands outstretched holding out a precious stick for me. She was babbling away. I think she thought it was very special. It had lots of moss on it.  
'Hurry up Faith,' I said. 'You are dawdling. Put that stick down. You have enough. Can't you see we are all waiting for you? Come on.' I didn't speak particularly roughly, but I turned away from her and took a pace or two up the hill. But Tiffin stopped me. He put his son down whom he had been carrying under his arm for a bit and told him to run up to his sister. I turned around. Maya was further down the hill. Faith, the absolute apple of my eye, had dropped her stick and was standing still shedding silent tears. I wished the world would swallow me up I felt so pathetic.  
'It's alright Faith,' said Tiffin. 'You have walked so very far today. When your brother and sister were your age your daddy would never have expected them to walk so far as you have done. I think your Daddy must just be tired, don't you? Here's your stick. Would you like a rest?' Faith nodded. 'Well you can ride on my shoulders then. But don't use my head as a drum will you? Or I will put that pretty stick in my pocket.' Faith laughed as he tickled her and he raised her easily on his shoulders.  
'Are you okay up there? Do you like it? he asked.  
'My like it,' she said.  
'Good. You can keep an eye out for snakes for us up there then. Your mummy doesn't like them, do you Maya?'  
Maya had caught up with us.  
'You're talking about snakes again aren't you Tiff? Every time. Every time.'  
'Yes well we've got something scarier with us today haven't we Faith? Your Daddy when he's grumpy.' He smiled at me.  
'I'm sorry Faith. I was grumpy because I can't keep up with Freya and Aran. Look how far ahead they are. Would you like some water? You look hot.'  
'Yes Daddy.Water peas.'  
I gave her a bottle of water to drink.  
'Faith,' said Tiffin. 'You aren't going to pour that water all over me are you? You wouldn't dare to get me soaking wet would you?'  
Faith hesitated I don't think she was sure what Tiffin's tone of voice compared with his words meant.  
'Go on Faith, I think Tiffin's hot. He wants you to pour the water over him.' I told her.  
'She won't do it Lochie. You know she won't,' said Maya.  
That was true. 'Here Faith, give the bottle to me,' I told her. She handed me back the bottle. Tiffin braced himself and held on to Faith with his hands so he could be dowsed with water and not let her fall. I squirted them both with the water and Faith giggled as Tiffin shook his head then moved her on to his hip.  
'You little pixie,' he said rubbing noses with her. 'He got us both, didn't he?' She was laughing with her uncle now. My harsh words were long forgotten.  
'Thank you Tiffin,' I said.  
'Don't worry about it. It's easy to forget what you can expect a five year old to do when you have older ones. I make that mistake too. I'm fine carrying Faith on my shoulders as far as you want to go, old man. I think she needs a rest. It's really humid today isn't it?'  
'Yes you are right about everything, except the old man bit. I think I will put our trip on hold for a couple more years. It's not as if Old Faithful is going anywhere without us. And there is enough nature round here for us to explore anyway.'  
'No, you will be alright Lochie. I think you can drive round a lot of Yellowstone in the car. The kids will like that. Just don't make it into a marathon for them. Go and see Willa. I'd do it if you really want to.'  
So I gave the back carrier to Tiffin who shared carrying Mackenzie with letting him walk along with Maya. I said to Faith 'would you like to ride on my shoulders now, darling?' She nodded and smiled at me, and I placed her on my back until she wanted to explore again. We made it almost to the point which I had planned and we sat and had a picnic. On the way back, seeing as all the other kids were worn out we walked pretty much at Faith's pace, and her siblings and cousins were pleased to take all the gifts she found for them. But whenever Faith fell behind I crouched down and let her run into my arms and I picked her up, so she was happy and so was I.

So I don't think I there was anything left of my old battles. Should I love my sister in the way I did? Would my children be taken from me? None of that was relevant anymore. I just wanted to be the best husband and father I could be. I guess I was quite used from my teens to making decisions but that didn't mean I was always right. Sometimes like anyone I got that wrong. The best decision I had made apart from loving Maya was probably keeping Tiffin close to me. I had long appreciated Kit's advice in many things, but geographical distance kept us apart. But my younger brother had stepped up to be quite his brother's equal in that respect. I knew he still loved Maya, he always will. And she loves him in her own way too. I almost think there should be another word to describe the love they have for each other, just as I think the negative connotations of the word incest simply does not reflect the richness, the goodness, the pride I have in loving my sister like I do. I surround myself with people I love, including my sweet little Faith, and this encourages me to try harder, to be better and to remember what is really important in life. So I keep it always in my mind, making the journey I take together sweeter. I'm grateful for every day that I share with them


	52. Lochan - Ithaca

Our house in Sydney was perfectly placed to view the beach. It was on a hill, and one day I found in one of the outbuildings a hand carved plaque with the word 'Olympus' on it, for that was the house had been called, on account of its view, before it had fallen into disrepair. I liked the quirky look of the sign and toyed with the idea of rehanging it. But Olympus sounded too ostentatious for our home. With four children between the ages of 2 and 11 it was to be honest frequently chaotic, mind you the way the Greek Gods squabbled between themselves maybe there was a parallel. But finding that sign made me think we could perhaps come up with a name for our house. I planned to be in this one for a long time.

Maya and I were sitting in the garden. We were just finishing a dinner party and as it was January the doors were pulled back and light had flooded the garden. Four guests were left when Faith stumbled bleary eyed onto the veranda. The noise from the party and the lights had probably disturbed her. I only needed to read stories to Faith and Mackenzie now, Freya and Aran"s bedtime routine just involved me making sure their iPads were put away. I carried Faith back to bed. I knew she would think it was time for another story, she likes routine, but not wanting to leave our guests too long I tucked her up in our bed with her favourite toy, a much loved koala. She knew that was a special treat and I stayed with her while she fell asleep, which just took minutes. I then rejoined our party. We finished off a couple of bottles of wine between us and then our guests said their goodbyes.

Maya went to tidy up. She likes to do it immediately, or not at all. But I said to her 'Leave it, beautiful, I will do it later, come to me.'  
She had had a little to drink, not too much but when she is just at that bubbly, happy stage I find her incredibly sylph like. Her body is always sensual for me but she is even more nubile then. I guess I had had a bit to drink too as I could picture her body arching in to meet mine right then. But I wanted to talk to her first. She came over to me and rested in my arms. It was January and it was still hot though the sky was dark. Maya was wearing a floral dress with cut outs at the waist so I could slip my hand in to feel her body.  
'I don't have to tell you what's special about next week do I?' I asked.  
'No of course not. It's our anniversary.'  
'Remind me how many years we have had Maya?'  
'No Lochie you tell me,' she said as she moved across onto my lap.  
'Let me see, it's been a long time hasn't it. We are going into our 24th year. I can't believe it.'  
'Why not?'  
'You still look the same Maya. Your hair is shorter but your face, your body you are still as beautiful as the 16 year old girl I fell in love with.'  
'I don't think that's true.'  
'It is. You are even more beautiful, even more serene.'  
Maya smiled. 'Thank you Lochie, you know what to say.' She kissed me. 'But you are really quite different from the boy I fell in love with. I think we have changed a lot, but I always knew you had potential.'  
'I think that's good then?'  
'Yes it's very, very good.' She kissed me again. 'But what about me ? What was it about me that made you fall in love with me? To stay in love with me so long?'  
'You know what I love about you. You are so different to me. You have a fire within you, a spark that never goes out. I liked it that you never doubted our love was right. You fought for me so many times. It was very attractive to know you felt so strongly about me. And learning about sex with you, that was very special too.'  
'Yes I knew that would be somewhere near the top. You didn't mention that in your speech to me at our wedding did you?'  
'I did allude to it, quite tastefully I think. You know what I said.'  
'Tell me again.'  
'I said I worship at your body and I like to watch you in the throes of ecstasy.'  
'Lochie you didn't say that at all.'  
'Well I would have done if there hadn't been fifty people watching. So I'm saying it to you now.'  
'Okay I like that, because I actually know that's true'  
'I will go on then?'  
'Yes I think you should.'  
'I admire your bravery. You were brave to love me, brave to give me children, brave when I did all those terrible things.'  
'Lochie...'  
'It's very true, Maya. You were stronger than me. And another thing. You were very brave to tell me that you had sex with Tiffin.'  
'Don't. That wasn't bravery at all. I was weak.'  
'No Maya, it's okay. You told me straight away. It was all right. In a way I think it proved that our love was strong. It was weighed and measured and it wasn't found wanting.'  
'Lochie, only you could say that.'  
'It proved to me how much I loved you.That night when I lay in bed with you I turned away from you because I wanted to think, for sure, what did I want? To turn around and see you there next to me, and know that I would have you for the rest of my life or if I could imagine being alone, without you. And I couldn't do it. I could not imagine living without your love, you support, your strength, your beauty. Our love could survive that because our love is so much more than sex. Maybe it started like that but it soon became so much more.'  
'That's why I love you. You think so much about things and are always kind and good. Firstly all the love you showed to our first family, that was amazing. The older I get, the more children we have I can't believe you could support them like that, through your teens.'  
'I guess I had to, we both did.'  
'No it was you. And then the love you showed towards me, towards Tiffin. Not many people could do that. And when I told you I was pregnant with Freya. I knew you were worried. I knew you had to think about it but once you decided that was it. I could tell you loved our child while she was still growing in my womb.'  
'Of course I did. We had made her together out of our love. I think that's wonderful.'  
'And Faith. I know some things are difficult but you love her just the same if not more.'  
'You are the same. She is very special. I think she has made us look at the world differently, and it's made me a better person. I used to think Freya and Aran were the best kind of children because they were intelligent, traditionally beautiful. But that's only part of it. Our lives are richer with Faith in it aren't they?'  
'Yes. I think I'm a better mother now.'  
'You were always the best.'  
'No that's you. You are the best parent.'  
'Lets say we are a team then. I think we have always supported one another in that. So it seems we have quite a lot going for us? Enough to see us through another 25 years perhaps?'  
'I think you might be right.'  
'So I have been thinking. I said our relationship was not all about sex?'  
'Yes you made that point?'  
'But to be honest with you looking like that, with you sitting on me like this, it's really all I have been thinking about for the past ten minutes.'  
'Really? Well I can help you with that. Let's go inside.' Maya went to stand up, but I stopped her.  
'No, I don't want to. Faith is in our bed, and hardwood flooring isn't the best..'  
'So what do you suggest?'  
'Well I have been sitting here and I think on the left hand side of this bench no one can see the garden.'  
'I see. Yes that could work. I forgot to say another thing I love about you is your predilection for outdoor sex.'  
I kissed her, mumbling 'if I had known you were so keen...'  
I got up and turned off any of the lights that were shining into the garden. I picked up a throw on my way back to Maya and lay it down for her on the grass and beckoned her over to me. I went to take her dress off.  
'No Lochie, I'm going to keep my dress on. Faith was out side just an hour ago.'  
'True.' I didn't push my luck, I thought if she hadn't had anything to drink she may have said no altogether. But I took off my shirt and discarded it.  
She lay down next to me and we kissed. Although I knew Maya would insist we cut down foreplay while lying in our garden I was in no rush to enter her. It was very sensual being outside with the warm air surrounding us and our hands running over each other's bodies.  
'We are very lucky to have all this aren't we?' I said.  
'What do you mean?'  
'Our home, our children, each other, time to be just like this.'  
'I don't think it's luck. We have worked hard for everything, on everything.'  
'I don't know. It's more than that. Maybe it's fate. I know what we have is special. I know you feel it to..' I seldom alluded to the fact that we were brother and sister but after 25 years of such powerful emotional and sexual connection I felt there was something there, some magic behind it.  
'Yes, of course I do. I think it comes from that very first time when we realised we loved each other. When we had to reveal how we felt, even though we knew it was against the way we are told to feel about each other.'  
'We were both so vulnerable,' I agreed.  
'Yes and that was just for our first kiss...' Maya laughed.  
'And then the first time we were naked for each other... '  
'The first time we touched each other...'  
'The first time we made love. I was so nervous...' I confessed.  
'So was I. But you were so gentle and yet so strong. You are still like that..'  
'Am I? I hope my technique's improved....'  
She laughed and kissed me.  
'You were lovely. Maybe it was over a bit quickly but I did know it was special. I did know then it wasn't going to be our only time. I knew we had a lifetime of love ahead of us. So yes, maybe it was fate.'  
'Thankfully mum didn't manage to put a stop to us.' I agreed.  
'I don't think she could have done, whatever had happened. Only we could have done that. I think we loved each other so intensely even then. Only we could have stopped it. And I wasn't going to, not ever. And I saw how much you loved me then. You weren't going to give up were you?'  
'No. You are right. It was meant to be like this. We were meant to have this life. But even so, it's been better than I ever hoped.' I pictured her as that young girl revealing herself to me for the first time, the captivating young woman I took clubbing with me in London. The beautiful sensual woman who made love to me, who let me put a ring on her finger, who bore me children, who married me, who loved me. Always so happy, eyes sparking, so intense, so free. 'I love you Maya.' I told her. Perhaps she knew what I was thinking for she took pity on me. She unzipped her dress and slipped out of it so very briefly she was completely naked before me. In the dark like that she looked like some sort of beautiful dryad and I wanted to be her seducer. She let me run my hands over every gorgeous curve. Then she reached for my shirt that I had put beside us and put it on, but she left it unbuttoned so my view of her was unrestricted. She unbuttoned my jeans and released me, and she went astride me taking me into her easily. She is so beautiful everyday, but when I watch her move like that, rocking herself against me, making herself find that spot with my body that gives her so much pleasure it really is the most beautiful thing in the world. I reached out to touch her but she took my hand to her breast instead. I think she did not want to make too much noise herself and I knew I did not want to stop the perfect rhythm she had and came quickly inside her. Then she lay back down next to me in my arms.  
'Thank you Maya.'  
She smiled. 'I love you Lochie. We will never be apart. Remember when we thought we might be? When we thought anyone would actually care?'  
'That's long ago now. You are right we have each other for ever now.'  
'Perhaps this will be the place where we will always live. I like this place, it's my favourite,' she said wistfully as she ran her fingers through my hair.  
'Yes, Tiffin chose well. He did it for you, this house, you know that?' I explained.  
'Do you think so?'  
'Of course. He loves you.'  
'He told you that?' 'Sometimes. Not for a while, but I know he does.'  
'Yes, he told me too. And you don't mind?'  
'No. Why should I? Loving your sister like that is a very special thing. I should know. I'm not threatened. It's a different kind of love. It's better. I'm glad you meant something to him. And he to you, I'm guessing?'  
'Yes I love him. It's not sexual though. I just think we have a bond because I guess we were vulnerable with each other once too. I assume you know that's what it is. You don't seem worried. In fact you seem very self assured.'  
'I like it that you have so much love to give and yes, I'm not worried. But I'm not complacent, I don't take you for granted but I do know we will grow old together.'  
'Yes. I hope we are like one of those really old couples who die holding hands. I don't ever want to be without you Lochie.' Tears began to form in her eyes.  
'Don't talk like that Maya. Do you know how much longer we have got left together? We are not even half way. Let's just make the most of every day and it will seem even longer.' I wiped away her tears. 'Come let's talk about something else. I have been thinking about what to call this house after I found that sign.'  
'And what did you think? You are good with words.'  
'Well Olympus got me thinking of the mythology I used to like to read and there was a poem I have always remembered from my comparative literature course, a modern one, about Odysseus.  
'So what did you come up with?'  
'Ithaca'  
'Odysseus' home?'  
'Yes. We have had a wonderful journey haven't we?'  
'Yes. I don't think I have been a very patient Penelope though, waiting for you to come home...'  
'No, we took the journey together, I couldn't have done this without you. You raised me up. You kept all those dark thoughts away from me, whenever you could. Those cyclops, those draconians.You defeated them not me. You didn't let me carry those fears inside my soul. Instead you showed me all the beautiful things in my life, your love, our children. You gave me this wonderful journey, and if there was nothing else, absolutely nothing else, I know how rich you have made me just by loving me.'  
'Lochie, don't make me cry, you know how easily I do that. You know we have so much ahead of us. The joys of seeing our children grow, and visiting all those places you want to go. Everything you aspire to do, we will do it. I don't think this is the end of the journey at all. I know we have so much more to do together. We have had such wonderful experiences together. But there is more. I love you Lochie Whitely. Come inside with me now.'

We gathered ourselves together, and went inside. When we got to our room I paused to look at Faith sleeping in our bed. She always looks happy when she is asleep, and it's our job to see that her waking hours are like that too. Even before I started to go to church in Sydney there were certain things that made me think when times were hard that there was a God. One of those things were bluebells. Back in England, when Maya and I would walk in the woods in April and the trees would be bare, the trunks a dullish brown it would seem so ordinary, so plain. And then we would turn a corner and suddenly close to us and far, far into the distance there would be a carpet of wonderful blue. It was as if it's only purpose was beauty, the only result from seeing that was joy. And Faith was like that too. It was as if she was my very special gift from God, her purpose was just to love and be loved. And I thought having all of my wonderful children, having Maya by my side all this time, surely he loved me too. I really do believe he watched over me when I was low and rewarded me with joy when I deserved it. That was my perspective on my life anyway.

So I picked up our darling daughter and carried her back into her room. Maya brought her Koala and we tucked her in together. She stayed asleep. I put my arm around Maya and kissed her. I told Maya I would tidy up downstairs. I didn't want her to help me. I just wanted some time to myself because after our talk I just felt overwhelmed because I used to think my life was so good I didn't deserve it. But I think now I felt my life was so good, and I did. I realised I had felt like that for a long time, ever since I had stopped being afraid. So I went back upstairs to Maya and joined her in bed where she was waiting for me. Maya made me feel so loved, so alive. I knew without her my life would have been nothing like this and it was the best life I could possibly have had. I knew she was right. Our journey wasn't over at all. It was going to last for years and years, together


	53. Maya

Our life in Sydney is good. I guess some people would think it is very ordinary. I go to work, Lochie goes to work. We raise our children. We pay the bills. But we have such a lot of love and laughter between ourselves and with the children. If I don't laugh so much I cry at least once at the weekend something is not right. But I always do. Lochie has always had such a very dry sense of humour I love him for it. When he used to work so hard in Brisbane he became quite serious, but that's not him anymore, I think having Faith helps too. We see things through her eyes and the world is new again.

When Bonnie and Tiffin come round to dinner afterwards,for Bonnie and me, the entertainment is just watching and listening to Tiffin and Lochie talk together. There's such a lot of good humour and love between them. I think they are so similar: when I look at Tiffin it's like looking into the past and with Bonnie in Lochie she can see the future. Tiffin says three children are enough for him and Bonnie at the moment. They are very happy together and I count Bonnie as one of my best friends. She will never know about Tiffin and me, and that is right. 

On special occasions when Kit and Willa join us with their partners and children too the house is full to bursting. It's like our Christmases in Bexham. Complete chaos but such fun just to be together. I wish mum could see us all now. I know now it was just that she couldn't cope, but we could, thanks to Lochie. I did ask Dad to come one Christmas, it was a bit much for him, but we meet up through the year too. I call him Dad, because although I tell the children I'm his daughter in law it's normal to call him that. And I want him to know that I do feel as though I am his daughter now, even though in fact I'm not. In our family I think we chose the labels that fit the person. Dad, wife, brother, sister ours aren't standard relationships, but it works. I know Dad was sorry about what he did, and Lochie told me how he collected pictures of Faith. So he sees his grandchildren as much as he can I think. He is quite good with them. It's like he had to skip a generation to learn what his role should be. 

Freya and Aran are teenagers now. I watch them together to see if there's anything in them like there was between Lochie and me, and me and Tiffin. But there isn't, they are just friends, just brother and sister. I think Lochie was worried in case there was any inclination towards incestuous relationships, but clearly it is nurture rather than nature. The love I have for Lochie has been such a good thing but I think after all it was because who he was, his qualities as a person, that made my love so great - nothing else. 

Faith and Buddy are good friends too. Faith is doing well at mainstream school and most of her friends are from there at the moment though we do meet up with friends we know from her groups too. We have no plans to tell our children who we are. They are all well balanced, happy children, I don't see why they have to know. They may marry, have children, get divorced, be happy, or be sad at some point in their lives because that's how life is. It will be nothing to do with their parentage. It will just be the choices they make for themselves. Whenever they need us we will support them because we are their mother and father, that is our role for them.

So we just get on with life, enjoying it together much like any other family. I guess there may be something that sets me apart, and I don't fight it. Sometimes even now when I see Tiffin and he looks at me in a certain way - nothing sexual at all - just so beautiful, I do think of that night we had together. I can't help it. I thought for a long time I had sex with him because I wanted to heal him. Of course I wanted him physically too, and it was wonderful. But it was some time later I realised he had healed me. I used to be sad when I would look back at myself as a young girl who just fucked around having meaningless sex, sometimes sex I didn't even want just because I craved attention and love from Lochie. I was sorry that that was my only other experience of sex, marked by the absence of any love at all. But Tiffin had given me something else, something that did have meaning and love attached to it. We have never spoken about how we feel about each other since the evening when I found him working on our house by himself. But I was so glad we did speak then. I think we both continue to think of ourselves as just a special brother and sister now, that will never change. Certainly that's how I feel. It is a deeper love than I feel for my other siblings, though I loved them very much too. But it is very nurturing, with an awareness of each other rather than an attraction. We are not self conscious with each other, because there is nothing except that love there, if he holds my hand, brushes my skin, kisses my cheek there are no lingering glances no unrequited feelings. I do know if he didn't live in Sydney I would miss him too much, I would yearn to see him. Maybe Lochie guessed that, and that is why he sought to rebuild the relationship between the three of us so quickly, so that we could just get on with our ordinary lives. But I like to think, because it was an important part of my life, of that time Tiffin and I had together. I told him on my wedding day that I didn't want to talk to him about it anymore and apart from that one occasion, we never have. That was to protect me, as much as him as my feelings for him then were still raw. They aren't anymore. I know I will always think about all those times we had together, he was so tender and good to me - helping me with the house, the children, finding me a job. But that night in Cairns I will think about till the day I die. Whether he does too, i don't know. To be loved liked that, to be needed like that if only briefly is really what the human condition is all about. It reminds me of a field Lochie took us for walks in one summer. The farmer must have planted it with wild flowers, cornflowers, poppies, marigolds, little white flowers - I don't even know their name. We would go evening after evening and see the field change, and watch the sun set behind it, until one day they were gone, the field had been ploughed. We checked back the next year and the next but the farmer never sowed the field like that again. The last year we lived in London I went back there with Lochie. The field itself had disappeared, houses were going to be built in its place. So I think of that night with Tiffin like that beautiful meadow. A beautiful moment that could not be preserved except in memory because the physical love I had for him was only transient, it has gone too. I knew just that once what that love was like with him and he will always be special to me, but for all the other things he ever did, and does for me. I keep those feelings alive within myself, and I feel no guilt that I do. Lochie knows how we feel about each other and understands it isn't about sex at all, it's just a special kind of love. That just makes me care about Lochie more. He still is the most important part of my life. He knows he is the love of my life and he always will be.

I'm so pleased Lochie is such an assured, charismatic and confident man that he has never, since Tiffin came back into our lives, regarded him with anything less than love. I asked him once if he remembered how shy and anxious he was in school and whether he could pinpoint any moment in his life that made him into the man he is today. He said he could. He laughed and said yes, he could pinpoint the exact minute, second even. He refused to tell me when, but I knew what he wanted to imply. He said he was proud of himself that he had followed his heart and found love and shared his life with me. He was glad he hadn't thought our love was forbidden, after all. He told me every single day we have together and with our children was perfect and his truly was a wonderful life because there was so much love in it. He could not imagine his life being any other way. Each of us made him into the man he was. I just kissed him. Because when I think of my love with Lochie I have so many memories to chose from. I am living that life and loving him still. I can't imagine what my life would have been without him in it. If our mother had forced us to part, if we had denied our love. Nobody would have gained anything, but we would have suffered so much. We are meant to be together, we have known that for a very long time now. That will never change. So with Lochie the field is still there. I hear the sounds of children, love and laughter when I picture it. It grows more beautiful every year.


End file.
